Never rains, but it pours.   
01:17am 09/02/2009
 
mood: blank
So. Was on break at work and it's probably good that I was. If I had been on the floor and gotten the call I did, I would not have been able to answer. Needless to say, the call was not a pleasant one.

Was the eldest of my three little brothers. My older brother died the night of the 7th. And needless to say, I did not stay at work. I was shocked when I got the call, and it took a fe wminutes for it to sink in. I was shaking when I left the break room and my voice was shaky when I asked to be let off work. Was upset and on the verge of tears on the way home. But, I haven't cried. I can tell my brother was when he called, or had been. And when I called my mum, she was pretty torn up as well.

I've gone on functioning almost as normal. Which kind of bothers me, as there is a part of me that just wants to break down and be upset. And I say "almost as normal", because I've been kind of half-upset since the call, voice wavering a few times, eyes watering, but nothing concrete. And I'm kind of pissed at myself that I'm not more upset. But, it's been a couple years since I've seen him, and I am in Baltimore. Base says it's most likely the distance, and I am inclined to agree. It will probably be like when my Grandpa passed away - I'm kind of fine now, but when I get there, I'll lose it.

I leave Tuesday, will be gone til Saturday and fuck what work thinks - the flight's booked, so if they try to wheedle me into working, I am saying NO.

For now, I just need to keep myself busy - I can't sit and wallow, or force myself to do something, cause then I WILL break down and I won't be able to function real well at all. I just need to hold on until I get home. Got a call from a friend back home, offering support and condolences, and Base gave me a hug when I got home and let him know.

Hope to be back in better shape by Saturday.
Ja ne, minna-san.

~Zero, out (of everything.)		  
   
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