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[18 May 2007|06:46pm] |
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my first karaoke session ever-- we did the most amazing covers of 'because the night' (10, 000 maniacs-style) and 'heart of glass'. they're both stuck in my head, my fingers still smell strongly of pineapples, i went shopping again today (my excuse is that i need 5 years' worth of clothes, all of which need to be here right now even before i begin), i miss my mum, my lower back hurts because i've been getting into all sorts of odd positions, and i'm just so exhausted. i'm yawning every minute or so, and i'm thinking about a lot of things and just worrying endlessly. i'm dreading tomorrow's nus tea thing (i skipped today's smu one) because i have no company this time-- no friends to loiter around with, no familiar face to make me feel less lost. the thought of staying here for the next 4-6 years to complete my degrees is terrifying, especially when everyone seems to have their own little groups of friends with them, as well as preconceived notions and stereotypes. on one hand, i want to be somewhere completely new, because i want to start afresh. i want to erase the last twelve years and all the associations and networks which have trailed along and defined me thus far, and make friends with people who are similarly alone, starting from absolute scratch. on the other hand, though, the more practical side of me wants desperately to see familiar faces, and to cling on. i hate introductions, and whatever path i choose, i foresee having to explain myself to people over and over. i will give them the same half-hearted answers, and try to sound convincing and enthusiastic about things i no longer care about. to be honest, there's nothing i feel strongly about anymore. i have outgrown myself and my identity, but i have nowhere else to squeeze myself into. it's like my skin stopped regenerating and i'm slithering blindly, a naked snake desperately patching bits of moulted skin all over the rawness. it's confusing and unsettling.
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