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[27 Mar 2007|03:30pm] |
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i'm such a crybaby; it's ridiculous but i cry every other hour of the day. i just lie in a foetal position, sobbing into my pillows, burying my face in the sheets, digging my nails deeper into the cushions, and just crying until i get exhausted and defeated, and feel like i'm going to choke. i despise myself for it. i don't even know why but everything upsets me so much, and it's not even because i'm over-analysing things, because i know i'm not. even before i can start to make sense of things, the tears are there.
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[27 Mar 2007|06:05pm] |
today i taught somehow how to write summaries and informal letters, went through a literature portfolio and the entire term's worth of work, and explained things along the way. i really felt happy-- genuinely happy, and at ease, and it was nice to feel useful, with someone listening to your every word. i found myself having to re-think my choice of words sometimes, because i was afraid of getting the point across wrongly, but it was nice. i'm not earning a cent but that hardly matters. revisting secondary school work brings back good memories-- i was always either the teacher's favourite or the most troublesome student, and often i managed to be both at once. i think all my teachers had a love-hate attitude towards me. i also miss writing essays. (i bet i won't when i get started on my uni essay though).
i don't know what i want in life, but i'm not ruling out being an educator, especially to kids who are way behind in school. i wish money weren't a consideration in staying alive-- i really want to help people for free with my knowledge and abilities. i want people to be assured that i'll do my best because i am personally concerned, and not because i'm being paid by them. i think when money enters the picture, a lot of human relationships are altered fundamentally, and for the worse. i've never earned a cent in my entire life although i've worked in various places, and i dread the day i'll be a paycheck slave. i dread the day i'll have to look at my employer as a source of income rather than as a potential friend, and the day i'll start comparing my employer's paycheck with mine and feeling miserable and bitter.
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