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[25 Mar 2007|01:32am] |
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la tristesse durera by manic street preachers |
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in my dreams i am walking towards you with a huge smile, i am raising my right hand and messing up your hair, closing my eyes for the briefest moment, seeing fireworks and feeling tingly; i am trying not to let the butterflies inside escape through my lips, i am trying so hard not to explode, and things go quite well. i say to you, 'hey, silly, you look like a dinosaur today', and you seem not to mind, even though you don't even know me. we talk, and it's excellent. you're excellent.
in reality, i am too afraid of what you might say to me and how you might react. is it better to get straight to the point or wait for a sign? and i don't know what sort of person you are-- would you make me feel embarrassed right away, or would you make the words come out easily and honestly? would i be a wreck, or would looking at you calm me down and make my thoughts coherent? would you let me finish what i'd like to say, or would you stop me midway? and if you stopped me midway, what would you do next? i know for sure that you'd be surprised, but would you laugh and say something funny, or would you go silent? would you say something shocking, and if yes, would it be pleasant or painful? would you ask me why it took me so long, and would you understand at all why it was so hard for me?
you're not extraordinary but you're definitely unforgettable, for reasons even i cannot comprehend or come to terms with.
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[25 Mar 2007|05:44pm] |
today i had a nice walk (in the blistering, cursed heat) at the rail mall-- i really like that place. it's like a mini holland village without the crowds, parking is free, and there are lots of little, cosy dining establishments, some of which i'd love to try out someday with someone fun. anyway i bought kettle chips and a whole family-sized honey glazed chicken and ate them both, myself. this is going to sound strange, but i love sitting in my room with a warm honey-roasted chicken in an oven-safe bag, and thickly-sliced kettle chips with a cup of yoghurt by the side for dipping (and to offset the saltiness), and just eating and reading the papers in a room that's always at a comfortable 22 degrees C, any time of the day. and yes, i'm like that crazy girl with the roast chicken fetish (the one who killed herself while listening to an old record and with guests in her apartment) in girl, interrupted. i think it's a sensual experience-- the way cooked chicken flesh feels, the way it comes apart in perfectly neat, white strips, the way it's warm, the way the stuffing oozes out and gives you herb breath, the warm grease/oil and the juices, tearing off the legs and wings one by one, and the way you constantly have to lick your fingers. give me a whole roast chicken carcass any day. it's the only meat i enjoy, besides turkey, and definitely is one of my comfort foods. 99% of the fun actually is in not using carving knives, and just destroying it the good old way. i gave my dog the breast bit though-- when he eats meat, he basically crunches and eats the huge bones as well. it's the same with crabs, and it amazes me.
these days i've been singing a lot of breathy songs (to myself), massacring french, spanish as well as english '50s big band-style classics, and intoning dangerously, wickedly, breathlessly, like pj harvey. it's fun. right now i'm singing an easy song, playground love by air because it's one of the songs that always get stuck in my head, and i love the saxophone solo. it's incredibly sexy and sultry, especially so when you listen to it at night, and gives me goosebumps. i wish i had someone to sing with, or to sing nonsense to. my neighbours must be annoyed though. haha, tough.
i want to watch the teenage mutant ninja turtles movie-- i'm hoping to drag my brother along soon. lately he seems preoccupied and listless and is becoming rather broody and (dare i say?) mature. my sister and i had a good laugh over some things today, and it was nice. i also want to watch the lives of others, which is in german and is only at the picturehouse. maybe i'll go on my own tomorrow. i hate dragging my friends to movies which they wouldn't have wanted to watch in the first place.
another annoying development-- kcl or lse? all the adults i've been asking lately have been telling me that kcl is vastly superior and more established where the law faculty is concerned, and that the lse law degree is much more diluted, since it's rather interdisciplinary, and doesn't really belong in a university with economics as the sole draw-factor subject. i don't know if i should care, i don't even know what a degree means to me right now. i'm also thinking of bristol vs lse/kcl/ucl-- i didn't bother applying for bristol but i went to bath/bristol on my way to stonehenge and it was lovely; a refreshing change from the big city, i must say. i might end up not applying for nus/smu either, at the rate at which things seem to be going.
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