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[22 Mar 2007|12:55am] |
one by one, people are starting to confess things to me, and regarding one confession in particular: i don't know if should be furious. on one hand i was made to go through a terrifying time, but on the other hand, it's been months, and it's too late to still be personally offended.
anyway gosh, i've been having the most bizarre conversations with r, jh and j about national service (i.e. compulsory conscription for all guys here), they've been patiently (and still are) answering all my crazy faqs. jh is telling me about the brutal mental torture commandos go through, and i've never been more thankful for being a girl. i really want to know everything there is to know about ns though, because it actually keeps me awake at night wondering what's happening at ns. silly and strange, i know.
also i'm very annoyed because more strange people my age are claiming to have known me--it's weird to think that i was mentioned during...umm, in a ns platoon of all places, by someone whose name doesn't even vaguely ring a bell. the other person who claimed to know me today is a girl from hpps, and apparently i met her in secondary school. i honestly don't know who these people are and it's worrying, because as far as i know i don't have amnesia. or maybe some parts of my memory have been wiped out, maybe i'm suffering from brain failure and don't even know it.
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[22 Mar 2007|09:34pm] |
it's my last day at d&n tomorrow; i'm really going to miss my time there. i kept feeling like an imposter dressed like a proper, professional adult in suits and skirts and heels. i'll miss raffles city and the really amazing people and the sound of non-stop laser printers brr-brr-ing away endlessly for ten hours. i'm going to miss gushing to people about dostoyevsky and having insane online conversations on oscar wilde, on the company's kickass instant messenger programme. i'm going to miss sieving through case files for 10 hours straight on blurry screens till my eyes go bleary and my vessels burst. everyone's telling me to extend my time there (especially the interns/pupils); they're shocked that i'm leaving so soon and keep telling me to ask around, but i think it's too late to do anything. i don't know anyone there personally since i got in without any special contact, and by my own merit. i really feel like i need a break though. maybe the working world just isn't for me in some ways-- i am such a child and i need to grow up a whole lot more.
one of my really nice friends there (who kept patting my back and teaching me things) said i seemed like someone who'd be easily bullied by older people-- she said it with a sigh, and i guess it's true. a LOT of different people have told me that i come across as someone who can be easily bullied and violated and hurt-- someone who is vulnerable in many ways. i find it almost impossible to say no when i'm overloaded with work, and i aim to please, and i think i really have to be more firm and authoritative when i start working, wherever that is. i really need to toughen up. i'm the sort of person who speaks up in class, and when i have something to say about a subject i don't often hold myself back, but when it comes to the real world, i am a bit of a wuss unfortunately. when faced with real people and real situations, i am weak and just can't say no. i'm also very fearful of insulting people, and i wish i could be a little bit more brash, no-nonsense and curt, like some people i've met.
but there are some things which make me excited about the big, bad corporate world. i actually feel important in my power-suits and with my all-access staff id pass, and i'm going to miss all that when i take the next few weeks off. just a few hours ago i spent 300 dollars on (yet another!) perfect suit and a pair of black, clunky and astonishingly comfy leather heels, and i think it's money well spent. i'm thinking of things in terms of investment values and mileage, and if this goes on, maybe in a decade i will be a different person. i've got eyebags and my cheap drugstore eyeliner is always smudged by lunch break, but it's all worth it. every morning during my train rides, cheery morning songs repeat themselves in my ears and my sleepy kohl-rimmed eyes stare out at the morning landscape, and the construction workers and the flats and the trees and the tangle of roads beneath all flash past in quick succession, but always in the same order, and then my eyes pause. for a second or two, only to linger at someone's aged fingers, or tie, or scarlet toenails, and then it's back to the window again, and then i unconsciously tap my feel along to bad 80s disco-pop with the crazy automatic drumbeats that everyone else can probably hear, and i feel amazing.
anyway tomorrow i'm going to have to wake up at 5AM (!!) because i've to rush to work and then straight to the supreme court for an exciting chamber case i'm sitting through. i'm reading the affidavits right now, these days i've been guzzling cheap 50cent canned drinks at the office vending machine, munching on cheese pancakes and slurping up affidavits bright and early for breakfast, YUM. i'm still annoyed at having missed DS's nkf chamber hearings earlier this week-- apparently they were exciting and impressive as hell. i don't know why but i'm suddenly so psyched about just starting uni, whatever course i decide to pursue in the end, and where i go, seem rather immaterial.
right now i'm thinking, maybe i shouldn't even bother applying to nus/smu (except for business, just to keep a highly possible option open)-- i should just mentally prepare myself for life at lse, because everyone's saying fabulous things about it, and i'm tired of coming up with lame excuses, like i'm not mature enough to deal with living alone, etc.
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