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LIFT UP THE RECEIVER I'LL MAKE YOU A BELIEVER (...) |
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i'm feeling stressed right now, i need to squeeze/grope/hug someone. when i'm stressed in the slightest bit my body produces way too much immunoglobin, which means it's not like normal stress. my body actually exhibits crazy symptoms-- i get raised mosquito-bite like bumps in the shape of crosses, streaks and circles-- sometimes even alphabets, and it's scary. the past two years i've been shrugging it off as mosquito bites (the bumps look and itch exactly like them), allergic reactions or just hypersensitivity. it's a bit like how some catholics get stigmata (signs), and start to bleed from the forehead/eye/wrist/ankle/chest, etc, except mine doesn't involve any blood, thank goodness, and i don't get possessed of course. i also get very restless and sometimes, when i can't help it, i cry. during the a levels, it was insane-- i remember being so agonized by the constant awareness, the desire to cry for no reason, to lash out at others, or just get up and pace around a bit. before the a levels, i had to drag myself to school and i did all my studying there, because it was the only place where i could concentrate somewhat, because i could see others studying, and it helped. the most annoying thing is that it's not just mental/emotional stress which causes these symptoms-- slight temperature changes (e.g. if i enter a cold/hot room suddenly), changes in the air composition (e.g. if the air is hazy/polluted) and basically anything that is sensitive enough for my skin receptors to pick on tends to throw me off balance. it's always an unconscious thing-- personally i think i'm pretty good at handling stressful situations, and i think i'm quite a strong person, but then my body tells me to slow down, and my tear ducts well up with tears even when i struggle not to cry-- during arguments, for instance. (i hope i'm not making this sound exaggerated or worse than it really is)
right now i'm really tired but i've got work to do, and i've to run around and buy tons of things in a few hours. my dad will be back from india as well. i'm looking forward to that, i miss him because he's always offering to drive me around, makes us dessert after dinner, and talks about all sorts of interesting things. i think he'll be getting on the airplane soon, and i might stay up till noon to see him.
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