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[14 Mar 2007|02:06am] |
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mood |
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it's only been four days but i miss my dad-- even more so than when i was away for two months.
and well, i haven't seen someone else since mid-october and it's quite devastating. i am gradually forgetting tiny details but i see bits of you in my mind, scattered, with the focus on some part of you and the rest of the picture spinning out of focus. i see: a neck viewed from the side, eyes blazing, hair, limbs sprawled, shiny lips pursed in concentration, a frown and furrowed brows, then lower jaw hung slightly ajar as it hits you all of a sudden and you grab an eraser, and you grin that secret grin of yours when you think no one is looking, and erase everything. suddenly i am no longer looking at you from the side; now i am the worthless sheet of paper. and as you erase frantically, the screen in my mind turns into a mirror-- a ghastly mirror where everything is reflected. except my face.
i don't hate myself per se, but i hate myself for being a frustrated fool. i'm dead tired and i wish i could just not turn up at work tomorrow. and i probably say this every day, but i miss school incredibly and i feel like someone just sucked my personality out through my ears. i'm petrified when people ask me simple things about myself these days. it feels like everything is a lie and i'm terrified. everyone, and i mean EVERYONE (besides my family) is telling me to go to LSE/KCL/UCL/Nottingham and i really don't know what to do, because prior to the past few months, i'd always imagined myself studying in the UK. i'm really hoping i get into ANY one of my NUS choices because i am 99% sure that if i study overseas i will break down spectacularly. i don't think an LSE degree is worth becoming a complete nutter for.
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[14 Mar 2007|07:17pm] |
if the rest of my life is going to be composed of one dizzying morning commute after another, i'm terrified. i also need to get a good, expensive pair of mock-croc skin black heels-- the higher and less stable it is, the better. i saw a gorgeous pair today, it was $59.90 (after 50% off) but it didn't come in half sizes, and i have sz38.5 feet. i also need more white work shirts and lovely black waist-high pencil skirts, which i am beginning to love.
recently i've been wishing i could go down just 1-2 bra sizes: i always end up having to buy work shirts which are too big, just so my chest won't look like it's going to pop one of the buttons. i wore a blouse today which did just that (thank goodness i noticed). also, even though the shoulders and waist fit me well, the chest area was so tight that the fabric looked stretched and wrinkly, as though it hadn't been ironed at all. i'm a uk size 8, but usually end up getting everything a size or two bigger just so i don't look obscene. it's incredibly annoying, and i wish people who made clothes didn't just cater to the below-C cup set. same with thighs: real women have thighs!
ok, enough for now. work today was boring; i learnt how to use the law library and did a lot of slave work (i.e. utterly frustrating excel docs!!). but i also went out for lunch with the other interns, and they're all IMPRESSIVE. definitely more impressive than anyone i've ever met at rjc. they're all so sophisticated and they seem to know everything about the legal system. i don't even know how to read citations. i am making friends with lawyers three times my age and i actually feel comfortable and at ease around them. i get their jokes and their sense of humour, as they walk past and see me flipping through their files like a maniac. maybe i am secretly an old man.
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| Chocolate shortbread slices |
[14 Mar 2007|11:53pm] |
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music |
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door to the river by manic street preachers |
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( recipe! )
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