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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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i don't love anyone by belle and sebastian |
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tomorrow i have to go for another ultrasound scan-- yet another trip to the hospital, another round of prodding, another bleak day which will make me wonder if i even have a future ahead of me and if i should even be bothered about the future at all. another day which will make me question whether i'll even be alive ten-- no, five-- years from now.
my parents are convincing me to take a degree in geography or english lit or economics/business because they don't think i have what it takes to be anything besides a teacher, i'd be less likely to drop out of the course midway (since they're subjects i'm quite familiar with), and at least i'd have a pretty stable job afterwards. they also don't want me to get myself stressed out doing something demanding. they think it's ridiculous that i'm applying for law, of all things, since i don't want to be a lawyer per se, but rather, i want to undergo the training that lawyers go through, in order to better prepare myself for a slightly different path in the future. and the thing is, i don't even have a dream anymore, or a fantasy of what an ideal future would be like. in fact, i've never had a serious goal in life and all my life, i've always had to come up with stock answers to give everyone who asks (e.g. working in an embassy and traveling a lot, writing, working in a multi-national corporation or a bank, as an investor, as a social worker, etc), to avoid facing the embarrassment of not having a goal, and to deflect temporarily comments about me being unmotivated, boring and lazy. sometimes the more i think about it, the more i want to just be a plain old housewife, albeit a happy and satisfied one. i don't want to work for anyone besides the people i love and i don't think i'd go very far as a career-person. i'd be languishing somewhere at the bottom and i don't think i'd be very productive.
i'm essentially a part-time teacher right now: in the past month or so, i've taught primary school art, math and english, sec three additional math, and in a week's time i'll be teaching literature to a 14-year old boy who scored 0/100 for the subject (!). i'm enjoying it, but there's NO way i'd want to teach as a career. everyone i know seems to think of it as a job of last resort, and maybe it's just the same with me. almost every teacher has left me scarred in some way or another, and perhaps it's sad but i've never met one who truly had my respect.
anyway here are some lovely pictures of two tall skinny girls totally rocking several nice outfits and making me jealous of their helmet-hair updo/fake red hair extensions and pink skin (though i don't usually like pale skin):
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