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[06 Mar 2007|04:31am] [ mood | thirsty ] HOLY FUCK THIS IS BIZARRE. it's 4.31AM, i'm hungry and i'm just sitting around waiting for the newspaper man to arrive in a few minutes. he's usually here by 4.20AM and i'm anxious and annoyed because he's late. sometimes i feel so restless, maybe i should creep out of the house and work the night shift in a factory somewhere. i really can't wait for school to start; without discipline i can't keep myself together and i swear i'm going insane, because there's just so much you can say to people, and then i keep getting the same compulsive urges to type type type even if it's just utter rubbish no one reads. and then i walk around in my room at 3AM with a tiny, fluttery dress on, pinning things to the wall and then tearing them off, folding my underwear into neat little bun-like squares for no reason, painting nonsense, staring out of the window, rolling around in bed with my ipod in my fist, then suddenly getting up to dance, drawing animals to represent people i know, re-reading my old essays and TRYING TO DO COORDINATE GEOMETRY SUMS FROM SEC THREE, &etc. thank goodness my neighbours aren't nocturnal, because i leave the windows open and it would be highly embarrassing, considering how normal i act during daylight hours. someone somewhere should really invent a sleeping pill which will allow me to fast-forward the next few months of my life, and emerge on my 19th birthday in july, like rip van wrinkle from the old story. right now i wish i had someone to spend tonnes of money on; i am in the mood to give and be generous with my time, my resources, my energy, and every bit of myself. maybe i should just run away to cambodia and adopt an orphan TO LOVE. ok thank God, the paper man has arrived ! 14 comments|post comment

[06 Mar 2007|02:39pm] this scares me incredibly-- there really was a total lunar eclipse in some parts of the world on march 3. i had no idea it happened, but all of a sudden, yesterday morning's dreadful black sky dream makes perfect sense. and wow, my mum was evacuated from her office today for a few hours, because the building started swaying and there were tremors. and apparently there was an earthquake in indonesia. "a horizontal earthquake rather than a vertical one", according to the news, and i vaguely remember reading something about the different types of earthquakes back in my uhh, past life as a geography student. my neighbour's three kids are making an insane amount of noise right now, the bloody little fuckers. when they first moved back in the day before chinese new year, they used to throw rotten mandarin oranges at my dog. now they're throwing what looks like soapy water as well as pebbles, and jumping up and down, rattling the gate and pretending to be retarded dogs. the worst thing is that my room is right next to their driveway, which means there is no way i can filter out the noise. i want to throw a stick of dynamite in their faces and tell them to shut the fuck up, but i'm scared that their mother or grandmother will pop out of nowhere. it's raining right now and i hope the thunder and lighting will scare them back inside their house so i can have a little peace. post comment

[06 Mar 2007|09:45pm] [ music | fat-bottomed girls by queen ] some people have a knack for doing the utterly unnecessary. i've only been eating today and yet i'm exhausted. i've also decided that maybe i shouldn't bother with a single scholarship at all, since i don't have a character referee. it's not like i did spectacularly; i don't think i will even get into the local uni courses i'm applying for. i'm disappointed with myself, and i ask myself what kind of fucking nutso would stupidly skip a paper in the hope that it wouldn't be reflected at all in the certificate. in fact i feel like i've been cheated, in the sense that i probably would've gotten the same triple-a grades even if i hadn't studied at all. it all seems like such a waste-- perhaps i should have slept in late and skipped lessons more often. perhaps i should have been a quiet dormouse during tutorials, and not asked a single question or bothered to answer. no, i should have just acted as though i didn't have a voice, and just blinked back at teachers with a vapid, unconcerned look, and waited for someone else to do the answering. perhaps i should have been boring, so boring that no one would have had an opinion of me-- because more often than not being quiet gets you out of trouble and out of harm's way. i'm very upset because 5-6 people i'm quite close to seem to have simultaneously gone into some sort of self-enforced seclusion; i don't know what to do or say to make them feel better, and our conversations trail off into nothing. right now i'm talking to one of them and i miss her incredibly. today i also realised that i've been a rafflesian pretty much my entire life and if there was a decent raffles university around, i'd probably enrol myself there, just because. every school i've been to (rgps, rgs and rjc) has been such a blessing, and i get annoyed when people diss the raffles schools. if anything, they've given me a damn good non-academic (i can't stress this enough) education. they let you figure things out on your own, there are so many opportunities for everyone, and in rgs we were exposed to a lot of things which might have been viewed as a privilege by people from other schools. it's crazy, but i remember insane cha-cha lessons, even more insane teachers, mass swimming, the canteen, being virtually in the midst of orchard road, my sizzling evaporating dish flying like a rocket in the air across 2 science lab benches and crashing spectacularly, discussing movies and books and music and parodying stupid boybands, learning to light a bunsen burner for the very first time during my chemistry prelims, my amazing/lovely/special friends, stripping in our classrooms after every PE lesson, our physics teacher gasping in horror every time he stumbled into a class of 40 girls in various states of undress, the math teacher with the zero noise tolerance and the braces, pregnant teachers, teachers with kidney failure, tons of relief teachers (like the really, really nice mr arthur kok who took us out to watch the pianist, and then there was the granny who was studied life sciences and did cancer research in the 70s), the most amazing celebrations in the most amazing amphitheatre ever, and so much more. i created a brightsparks.com.sg account today, feeling as though i might have stood a chance (what wouldn't i do for $400, 000 right now?). it's only been a few hours, i only logged in once, and i feel like quitting already. all i can do is pray for a magic flying carpet with $400, 000 to miraculously appear and whisk me away to lse. ok omg i'm going for some strange cardio latino course with a friend this weekend. post comment

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