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mood |
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dead tired |
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music |
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echo and the bunnymen |
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last night was bizarre and i didn't get any sleep at all (which is why i'm awake at 8.51am on a saturday morning), and within the next 20 mins i've to bathe and get changed, find and photocopy all the documents i need (ie. a helluvabloodylot) to pass to the UCL law lecturer (he's shocked that i still haven't received my offer from them and said my ucas form had been sent in really late). to be honest though, i don't think i'm ready at all for london (two months had me aching already). LSE and KCL have accepted me-- as far as they're concerned, they're just waiting for me to turn up there in september. UCL is where i'd like to go, if going to the uk will indeed be my final decision, but then the london school of economics and political science has such a nice ring to it-- i can't think of any other more prestigious uk university besides well, oxbridge. it's also not easy to get into: there were 3000 applicants for law courses (and only 189 were taken in last year). and looking at impressive, exciting lists of famous alumni and nobel prize winners (http://www.lse.ac.uk/collections/pressAndInformationOffice/aboutLSE/worldLeaders.htm) & (http://www.lse.ac.uk/collections/pressAndInformationOffice/aboutLSE/nobelPrizeWinners/Default.htm) makes me wish i could just pack up and go back there, pronto, and be a part of it all.
here's what's stopping me:
1. my parents think i won't be able to live on my own; they also think i'll suddenly drop dead or something (recent events seem to have terrified them)
2. i'm not entirely convinced that i'll be able to be alone in london for at least three years-- it never really was a concern until i actually tried doing so for 2 months and it was quite emotionally and physically draining
3. the crazy fees, living costs, etc-- even if i were to live frugally it would cost $300, 000 for me just to complete the course, and a lot more if i can't curb my sudden consumption rampages
4. the local uni is almost on par and if i were to get in, i'd only have to pay a relatively inconsiderable amount. it's also really near my house, which must count for something
5. i don't know anyone else who is going-- this doesn't really matter to me though, it might turn out to be more exciting if i didn't
6. too many 'what if's which can't be answered until i'm actually there
7. honest to God, i am completely, utterly clueless as to how to go about applying for a scholarship (though i'd like to, and probably should!)-- i have the huge-ass bag filled with brochures, but i don't know where to start. if only i could pay some kind/wise person to do it all for me, or at least help me a little :'(
why do i feel so fucking mediocre deep down inside, where it counts? i don't mean in terms of my grades or anything, just ...everything else i guess.
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