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[12 May 2007|02:11pm] |
i had a dim sum breakfast with my family today, which was really nice and filling. tonight is going to be fun-- concert at (ughh!) zouk, but first i think a nap is in order. i have eyebags, and i rarely get eyebags. today the world feels like a different place, and i think it's because i actually woke up at seven in the morning, instead of past lunch.
driving is turning out ok-- i can reverse park; it's really fun. i'm dreadful at making humongous right turns though. they're just not the same as left- and U-turns, which are nice and sharp and quick. after the big right turns you're supposed to end up in the right lane as well, but for some reason it's not the same as making an ordinary right corner-turn. sometimes i don't even know where i'm going to end up and it's a bit nerve-wrecking. i'm used to turning at the start of kerbs, but where the big right turns are concerned, you have to start turning just past the junction, when you're in the little curved turning pockets. also, i have a fear of ending up in the left lane and being hit by an oncoming car. this fear has resulted in me swerving across lanes in a desperate bid to avoid an imaginary collision, even when there is not a car in sight around me. i also think you have to turn the wheel more slowly, or release it more slowly, and i don't like turning the wheel really slowly, like you do during bends as well. driving in the rain is annoying, because the cloudy side windows bother me.
today's another sweaty day, and i'm missing the rain a lot.
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[11 May 2007|04:15am] |
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rid of me (letterman youtube video) by pj harvey |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VwihpQ4r44
i've decided, the next time i get my hair cut i'm going to take my ipod along and show this entire video to whoever has to deal with my hair. perfect for headbanging, and so simple. i might also buy a good straightening iron soon, because i suddenly feel inspired.
( ... )
amazing videos i've been watching over and over:
[i learnt how to rip youtube videos into my ipod, FINALLY! there's so much i want to rip, i don't know where to begin so i'm just making little link-lists, starting with pj harvey]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5CvUS6UE-0 (live performance, good fortune)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48GIaN7SrGU (i'd kill to look like her at 38)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7s9bnkGeBc (i think i was learning to walk back when dress was released. she was around my age then, which is INSANE. i don't think i'd ever do anything 0.0001% as cool as this in my entire lifetime.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNa_NgA6Q7g (amazing 2006 solo live cover of dress, almost 20 years after the original. i need to see her live, soon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX7Bv4l6Rug (another live performance of dress, with her band)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7pLalNVc2Q (she's gorgeous here. bjork's with her and she looks cute/fierce, i can't decide)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEv6rPYDEN4 (will's song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4PZIhaM9zU (her voice here is eerie--was she a pretty girl/does she have pretty hair?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru2a4BlTrtw (brilliant live jools holland performance of down by the water. i love the way she looks here)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P92M5s3MMto (i'd forsake heaven/to bring you my love-- this is both electrifying and devastating at once)
also:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUNDkiRkrtk (pagan poetry, i've never seen this one. bjork looks really pretty here. and the dress, ahh!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlzixwWyrwU (--> my hair right now looks almost exactly like bjork's hair in this interview. and again, she's really pretty)
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[10 May 2007|07:08pm] |
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the everlasting by the manic street preachers |
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i love this. i don't want to talk about it, because i'm afraid that what i have will be gone tomorrow, and also because everything is temporary. i'm not sure if i want anything beyond temporary, so this suits me fine. but this much is what i know, for sure: i'm in a state of mutual adoration. i'm in the mood to share. i'm watching my words when i speak, and am trying to be careful not to reveal too much at once, tempting as it seems. this is, i realise, paradoxical to my sudden desire to share, to cut off bits of myself and set them free in far-away corners. i don't know what to keep secret and what to disclose. it's confusing.
(i had a scary dream last night where you ate my right ear and i told you, stop!stop this hurts! but you didn't stop and there was blood everywhere and my ear was gone)
my mum and dad are going on work-related trips again, separately, this month. my back hurts-- it's been hurting a lot recently, and i really need another physio appointment. i need someone to pass warm electric currents through my spine, stretch my bones and muscles, and basically just pound me senseless.
i'm exhausted and confused. i'm sweaty from lying in bed for hours (reading baudelaire and bukowski!) without air-conditioning or even the fan turned on, but it's a nice feeling.
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[09 May 2007|11:04pm] |
thank you for letting me win both times today (i could tell, silly!)
i'm pretty sure my third win was legit though, even if it was because you were distracted.
i bought a lot of clothes today, including yet another dress. it's soft and in a dusty pink shade, and the bottom half floats around perfectly. it reminds of of clouds and rabbits and seems to scream, 'wear me out and get grass stains all over!'. it's almost too delicate for me.
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[09 May 2007|12:30am] |
dear philips satin ice epilator, i.e. cheapest epilator in the world, i love you.
i also love homemade garlic bread, toast with huge slabs of butter and honey, new sewing machines, fresh peach juice, my newly resurrected ipod (hooray!), lush fabric, banana cinnamon muffins with cream cheese frosting and carbohydrates in general.
i also love paydays, mm. not because i love money (i don't, it makes me feel sad, and i either feel guilty because someone had to pay me, or obligated to spend). what i love about money is being able to take someone out and foot the bill. i want to spend my life and money giving people little surprises. i love buying food and clothes for others and i suspect it's one of the things you do naturally as an eldest child. i also tend to open doors for people in public, and it scares people. i find it a natural thing to do, especially when i'm closest to the door. who cares if i'm not a man? i am such a gentleman-- except i'm not, really. i don't know.
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[07 May 2007|09:07pm] |
(i still wonder if your fingers would be icy cold, or warm)
(of course i'm obsessed)
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[06 May 2007|09:16pm] |
to do:
-russian revolution essay
-buy moisturizer, cinnamon powder, jell-o pudding mixes for making late-night tart fillings
-transfer thousands of songs from cds to ipod, re-add 50+ podshows i haven't caught up since post A levels
-deal with anger/temper/violence/rudeness issues :(
-spend a few minutes at rjc, and then head for rgs and hang around for a few hours
-book driving lessons
-buy shower scrub, more nail polish, this month's long-overdue nylon, frankie and Q mags, dressmaking wheel
-buy presents/make things for may kiddos and mothers' day
-go swimming soon
i'm also starting on dresses finally-- tight dresses, shift dresses, A-line, half A-line, balloony dresses, kimono dresses, etc- it's all so mindboggling, i had to draw all the different cuts on ohp sheets (based on a fixed basic dress template) and then i had to put all 12 sheets together and see how each cut differs from the neckline to the collars and shoulders, to the sleeves and the drop of the waist from the underarms, to the hips and the ends. it's really fun in a strange way. i've grown sick of sewing 30+ skirts, and pinning hundreds of box pleats and knife pleats and doing darts that it's exciting to move on to something new, i.e. dresses. i hardly wear skirts but i've recently been buying lots of dresses, and i have all sorts of ideas. i can't wait to be confident enough to experiment on real, expensive but pretty fabric i've been lusting over on the internet (:
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[06 May 2007|01:04am] |
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porphyria%27s_Lover
!!! i just read the commentary below the poem, and re-read the poem with the commentary in mind. i also googled it a bit because i was intrigued (no, fascinated) and ugh, too late, i am freaking out now. it's too vivid, i can see her! dying-- but not quite! was it murder? everything about it is gruesome, bloody, perverse. the more i read it, the more plausible the asphyxia scenario seems. i'm quite terrified now, damn lurid 19th C poets. i don't really understand how kids who smoke hookah pipes get a high from the oxygen deprivation. i'm also beginning to wonder about famous supposed autoerotic strangulation deaths, e.g. micheal h. (former inxs frontman). do you actually know exactly when the 'high' ends and the dying begins, does your brain or heart stop first, and do you end on a 'high'? if your brain stops do the pain receptors/nerves fail to work and does that mean the actual moment of death is painless? i guess i'll never know-- not that i want to, anyway. the whole thing makes me feel sick in a way i can't explain.
now it's your turn, share with me your asphyxiation in literature scary find (or anything that's been scaring you lately).
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[05 May 2007|10:54pm] |
(today) i love my body. i'm glad that i'm learning and achieving things bit by bit, and am honestly wanting things to work out in the end.
today i am embarking on a daily ritual of healing (whatever that entails). today i am the strange girl at the bus stop with a daily meditation book clenched in her hands, searching, limiting herself to just a page a day (according to the dates) rather than reading the whole book in one sitting-- something very uncharacteristic, something that hints at a desire for discipline and order.
while the boys have their army revelations, i will have mine.
other stuff: ( ... )
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[04 May 2007|01:04pm] |
so, i guess this is what it's like to feel 'uncomfortable': to make yourself physically sick by sheer willpower alone, refusing to take the pink panadol menstrual pills and choosing instead to writhe in pain, to curl up sleeplessly, to force yourself into this state where you are painfully aware of yourself, of your breathing, of the way your throat chokes and goes dry, of the slight throbbing headache that never goes away, of the way your head feels heavy and your ears feel like you've just hit the water hard, after catapulting yourself off a diving board. somewhere between these things the realisation sneaks in that i don't know how to make myself feel comfortable and secure again. i try to read but i'm in the midst of at least six books and have forgotten the plots and characters. i watch catherine denevue movies and am troubled, more than ever.
i'm going to take a shower, it always makes things seem less bleak.
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[03 May 2007|06:24pm] |
today i woke up at 4pm to loud doorbell noises, and was pleasantly surprised by several registered mail packages, filled with my single indulgence, umm, lingerie. more exciting than proper clothes, and enough to last the year, i suppose. i did the perfectly normal thing, i.e. tied up my messy bed-hair, drew the curtains shut, and tried every single item on and it made me so happy, happy enough to twirl in front of the mirror like it's the most normal thing in the world. it's silly how things like pretty underwear excite me, and make me feel so much better instantly.
i'm starting to hate driving lessons-- i'm a dangerous driver because i'm hopeless at controlling the steering wheel and i keep reversing too quickly. yesterday i swerved across two lanes after a huge right turn, because i was afraid to release the wheel quickly. thank goodness each time i do something stupid, the road happens to be clear and nothing serious happens. i don't think i'll ever get over my fear of driving in crowded places, and negotiating scary bends at high speeds, and well, crashing into bus stops (i swear, the article in the newspaper on the freakish bus stop crash is A SIGN, it could happen to me). i'm also a lane wobbler; i keep jerking the wheel suddenly because i find it hard to stay in the middle of lanes and to judge whether i'm headed perfectly straight. i'm also starting to hate people who run across the street at non-designated crossings, because it makes me feel uneasy and i have to slow down suddenly to avoid killing them. overtaking is also annoying, buses are annoying, and taxis are impatient. i'm driving at 60km/h presently. it's a bit frustrating because i keep having to slow down at bends and when i'm making turns-- i don't think i'll ever get to 80km/h at this rate, and i'm dreading expressway lessons.
i've been eating chicken rice nonstop over the past 2 hours, and i also had like, 2 litres of fresh, cold banana milkshake. i love bananas, they're quite possibly the only fruit i eat out of my own free will and choice.
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[30 Apr 2007|07:51pm] |
today's interview went awesome. no, it was beyond awesome. i wanted to just go on talking forever because it was really fun, and i felt respected. the interviewers actually listened to me and they had a good sense of humour, and thank goodness they seemed aware that studying a particular course doesn't mean you have to end up doing what is generally expected. we talked about micro-credit financing and the nobel prize and driving and a lot of cool, non-academic things. they asked me about the policies i'd like to implement and the things i'd like to change, and though it took me by surprise, i felt completely relaxed, and it was a 360 degree change from the law one a few days back, which was horrible. i never want to see those professors again because they made me feel tiny, like a mite in their path. one of them today was drinking water when i said something funny and he laughed so hard the water sputtered; it was hilarious and totally unexpected. the other candidates were also really nice; i keep making friends at interviews these days, and i'd like to study with some of these people. i told the interviewers i was really interested in the course, despite having indicated it as my LAST choice, and they said they'll look into it.
and you know what? i had a bloody handwritten cv, because everything was so last minute that typing and printing would've taken much longer, and yet i wasn't made to feel stupid.
ahhh, i want to change my choice of faculty right now.
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[30 Apr 2007|09:46am] |
this is ridiculous but maybe i should really go for the business and public policy interview, i mean i've not started reading anything business-related or prepared my cv and my eyes are really puffy and my head feels so heavy i have to consciously keep it upright and i scratched my eyes so hard i have little abrasions but i still have almost 2 hours left to maybe print a one-page cv and get myself together, despite 0 hours of sleep last night (i slept on the sofa downstairs instead of in my room, my neighbourhood is pretty noisy).
yesterday i suddenly had this 2am fit of sheer terror and i started praying, just for something to make me feel better and get me through the night. since i haven't read the Bible in over 6 years i decided to randomly flip to a page and start reading, because i needed comfort, i needed to hear someone speaking to me clearly and telling me what to do next, even though i'm not very religious. as a kid i read the entire Bible in a day once, but then again back then in primary one i was freakishly enthusiastic, smart and happy; happy and determined enough to read c.s. lewis novels and the entire Bible (except songs of solomon, too loveydovey and bizarre) in a day and still feel hungry to read more. these days, even reading books of my choice has become a chore. everything is too strenuous, the lights are too bright, the world is too noisy. anyway when i searched all over in my room there wasn't a Bible there, even though i'm pretty sure i had 1 or 2 in my room. i didn't want to wake anyone else up so i went back downstairs feeling miserable (forsaken perhaps? what was i expecting really), and listened to bbc world service until the newspaper guy came at 4am on his hellraiser-style noisy bike. then i heard my dog growling (he growls softly at night, grrrrrr grrrrr grrrrr over and over like he's having some sort of epileptic fit. maybe he does see ghosts) and the next second, or so it seemed, i was hearing lots of loud noises and seeing bright lights and watching my sister and brother leave for school. i obviously couldn't go to sleep after that so here i sit with puffy eyelids which make me feel like a ventriloquist's dummy because it feels like there's a string pulling my eyelids taut from above and keeping my eyes open.
n/us business school, here i come.
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[29 Apr 2007|09:06pm] |
i've never cried so hard in months, i used up too many kitchen towelettes (tissues are no good), i'm hyperventilating, my ears are throbbing, and well, i'm not going for tomorrow's interview. i should be a professional crybaby at this rate. it feels like the tears are shooting straight up from deep down in my pelvis, and everything is blurred and my nose seems to drip continuously. i don't even want to go to university. these days, i'm finding it a chore to meet anyone, even close friends, and am coming up with excuses (sorry), skipping driving and dressmaking lessons, and putting off planned trips. i'm having a bad headache and right now i actually want something really bad to happen to me, like the ceiling collapsing or a helicopter crashing through my window and splitting me into two. what the hell is happening? i'm terrified. i hate it, tomorrow i'm going to have to call the business school people and tell them i'm sorry, i won't be able to make it. i feel like such an idiot, and i really need to do something about the insomnia. everything bothers me at night-- even the sound of the air-conditioner, and i'm scared of the dark now-- so much so that i usually fall asleep with the lights on, or beg my brother to let me sleep in his room. i can't stop thinking throughout the night, because i am a worrier.
i swear there's something wrong with me, i don't know why i'm such a wreck. that, and a wuss. it's so much easier to hide things in public; there are incentives to look forward to, things to distract me, and peoples' energy and good vibes to live off. i guess that's why i always have to sit in a public place if i need to get studying done.
i'm systematically wrecking my life, destroying my options, making things difficult for myself. i don't deserve anything, i need to suffer.
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[29 Apr 2007|07:49pm] |
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5 years by bjork |
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i miss you, you're the only one who made late night conversations, listening to really gay simply red songs AND SOBBING, giggling breathlessly and whispering secrets fun and exciting and dangerous. crunching ice cubes and smashing blocks of ice against walls, and talking about caravans and hair and music and movies and everything i'd never dare to talk to anyone else about. oh god your fingers, your eyes ('two big muffins'), your lips and your hair were so pretty. so phenomenally gorgeous, so warm. i don't think i'll ever have the capacity or the ability to feel so much for someone and to feel so blissful and relaxed.
it's been (almost) five years. i'd known you for seven years then, and honestly nothing, no one, compares.
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[29 Apr 2007|02:44pm] |
another sign of my immaturity:
(today's law written test)
'the law should not be changed as it stands. it should not stick its nose where it is not required, and in areas clearly out of its jurisdiction. it should stay out, tempting as it may be to lunge forth, grab and tear apart, lest it end up governing every aspect of the human experience and severely compromising the ability of individuals to make rational decisions on their own. in other words, if an addition is absolutely, absolutely necessary, and since i feel pressurised by the question to contribute something, and because if i don't i will not have answered the question, i have decided to go ahead and suggest a small amendment. i propose that following 5(2)biii, there should be something added to the effect of: were you expecting something to be changed?! HA, good one'.
it was quite fun anyway, even though the test hall made it seem like the a levels all over again. so many familiar faces! i had a good time dissing everything, and went a bit overboard because the questions were so....safe.
MY BUSINESS INTERVIEW IS TOMORROW AND I DON'T WANT TO STUDY BUSINESS AT ALL AND IT'S TOO LATE TO CANCEL.
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[28 Apr 2007|04:48am] |
restless as hell. i really should take on a night-job, working in an international firm with a completely different timezone. i should also make more nocturnal friends.
it just started raining really heavily, and i'm hungry again despite my 1am cup noodles.
ughhh fuck, i just realised the sudden storm means today's newspapers (which were just delivered a few minutes ago) are soaked, soggy and completely destroyed.
(edit)
scary photo of the week, thanks to stephen hawking:
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[27 Apr 2007|08:10pm] |
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lick the pavement by garbage |
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i learned to bribe i learned to say please
i like you best when you're on your knees
i love feeling warm, so physically warm that i want to be someone else just so i could hug myself and feel the warmth rushing in, so warm it feels like there's an invisible heater brring away inside me, warm enough to make me just curl up in bed in my underwear, close my eyes and tuck my forehead and knees in towards my chest and want to stay dormant forever, warm enough to feel magical when the cool breeze from the fan skims across my back. warm enough to feel better, to sing crazy, rather embarrassing shirley manson songs i used to sing when i was 13, and feel, for a second, perfect.
i am craving tangyuan so badly-- after shopping tomorrow i'm definitely going to get a few bowls of the sticky melty sweet stuff in soya bean curd porridge, in creamy peanut soup and every other soup available. i have at least 30 little pink bites all over my body from one day alone, and since i'm always curled around the laptop (which never leaves my bed) i've been attacked by a fair number of little firefly creatures. two nights ago at 3am a cockroach flew through the kitchen window and directly at me, and i almost keeled over in fright thinking it was a bat, because there are lots of bats where i live.
p.s. is it just me or are the ns (i.e. local compulsory conscript army) guys being downright strange? most of them have cryptic codewords in their msn screennames and seem to be in a different world altogether.
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