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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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06.50 am :: this little disappearing act
|
bit by crummy bit, their turgid hearts are beginning to show weakness. they are on their way to missing me! which wasn't part of the plan, pulling away from the familiar; there was never even a plan. ... two months AWOL, mister consistency-is-key turned up again on my metaphorical doorstep, exactly one hundred fifty-three hours, gmt +800. and , despite the tiny schoolgirlish *squeeeeee!* i let out at this invite, i really have lost all compounded biannual interest. go find some other crowbar, lover.
current music: headstate:  sleepy
current music: headstate: i get along without you very well - nina simone
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| Saturday, February 17th, 2007
| |
10.15 am :: it ain't over til feb 15.
|
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| Saturday, February 10th, 2007
| |
03.09 pm :: speaking in parables
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| Monday, January 8th, 2007
| |
12.14 pm :: fare me well!
|
waking up to cat lint and the stale, dry taste of oh, look, you! what a way to say goodbye by making that couch again and lying in it. you see, he knows he's not
just remembering this dance
he's there
in both moments
simultaneously.  just then, it's obvious: time's a lie.
current music: headstate:  relieved
current music: headstate: stupid memory - sondre lerch
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| Sunday, January 7th, 2007
| |
11.34 pm :: very demi.
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|
some somethings are better than some nothings but very rarely when that something has the nature of, say, pedophilia.
this is totally charlikin-territory (welcome to the wilderness!): five foot ten inches of tall, lanky, unadulterated catholic-flavored goodness. the small of my back rendered h.e.l.p.less.
h is for hurry...
e is for urgent...
l is for love me...
PLEEEASE!
current music: headstate:  curious
current music: headstate: do what you want - okgo
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|
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| Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
| |
04.26 am :: red-lettered
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| Monday, January 1st, 2007
| |
01.39 am :: back in god's good graces, i s'ppose.
|
some people want it all
but i want no--nothin' at all
if i ain't got you baby... but then again, some people have universally certified gay men for their hot new boyfriends making it harder to officially complain. things like this feel so hand-of-god ish, invoking more than the usual schadenfreude point-and-snicker fit. it's as if a certain balance in my world has been restored; a sense of hope, renewed. ... coz if there's something to learn from 2006, it's that divine providence doesn't take to whinyness too well.
current music: headstate:  cheerful
current music: headstate: if i ain't got you - athlete (alicia keys cover)
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| Friday, December 29th, 2006
| |
01.30 am :: regular operating hours
|
|
the slightest sound rouses me to movement. life's on permanent date stand-by. centuries of fine tuning the mating rituals of our species and they still ask you out for 2pm on a monday, or early christmas morn. ask you out or over.
i could become a rules girl, lil miss never-after-a-wednesday. but when he's damn edible like that?
current music: headstate: on hold
current music: headstate: smile like you mean it (the killers cover) - david gray
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| Monday, December 25th, 2006
| |
09.54 am :: constipated with happiness and helpless against your su'thern charms as a matter of course.
|
(you, the waldorf salad, our lovely biannual affair.
i'm running purely on warmfuzzies at this point.)
♥ ♥ ♥
wonderful christmas morn, everyone!
current music: headstate:  high
current music: headstate: i'm glad i hitched my apple wagon - the boy least likely to
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| Saturday, November 11th, 2006
| |
06.06 am :: acting civil.
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|
you never get to what the phrase actually, existentially, means until after four months of not seeing him, he turns up, within a good eye-clawing distance, and you're suddenly unable to decide how to make use of that space between you two. manually dismantle his trachea? rip his clothes off?
or maybe both; you've certainly got the time now.
current music: headstate: spoken too soon
current music: headstate: it's over - sondre lerche
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|
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| Friday, November 10th, 2006
| |
05.47 am :: mis-sent
|
|
on one hand, the message smelt of smug intellectualism, with the mention of things like "the teleological" versus "the preferential".
on the other hand, "sex/vanilla" and "desperate for a boy" were used in the same sentence.
...
"kasi minsan, you can only forward the worst foot, or message, whatever."
current music: headstate:  distressed
current music: headstate: sullen girl - fiona apple
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| Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
| |
03.10 am :: the hardest part
|
Where the waves hit the shore, I pull the car to the side of the road, touch his shoulder. He wakes up, looks at me, not really shyly at all, and not apologetically, devoid even of any emotion, or maybe overflowing with too much of it. Why can't I tell with him?
Perhaps that's what he wanted originally. To fall asleep in a stranger's car. This has barely anything to do with me at all.
We get out, walk up the hill to the rocks I like. You can see everything from here.
"It's not enough to want to be happy," I say, finally. "It doesn't stop there. First, you find happiness. You wait till it sticks to you, like a baby to the womb, until it's strong enough for you to carry it without having to worry it's going to fall off. Then you have to be happy with your happiness. You have to want it to stay."
"That sounds quite complicated."
"Maybe it isn't. Maybe you just have to want it. Maybe you can will things into existing."
"Well, fuck."(icicle@sevenphonecalls.org)
current music: headstate:  uncomfortable
current music: headstate: only the lonely - david gray
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| Saturday, October 21st, 2006
| |
03.02 am :: crush via osmosis.
|
that "dark and twisted place" is my head, of course. i'm an external hard disc for emotional trauma. she says she's over mr. cuckatoo head (we believe her) and i'm on auto-stalk. for the record, i'm retracting previous affirmative responses lent during that one round of KLKNSMB? in mindoro. my visceral regions are sympathetic like that s'all. (bladder and heart, particularly.) ... ba ba, ba ba.
this is the sound of settling.
ba ba, ba ba. nothing like a death cab for cutie song from a death cab for (not-so) cutie boy to kill off instant gratification impulses. |
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| Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
| |
11.51 pm :: nostalgic for meaning
|
google knows the truth but waits. and waits and waits and waits fourteen spin cycles plus tard; the mess of half-broken things, breaking  over the obvious // all wrapped up in itsellf in a forming blanket of accidental limbs--spindly, mine far from it // and how i(t) couldn't have been any less exquisitely stupid.
current music: headstate: retroactive broken hearts
current music: headstate: 9 crimes - damien rice
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| Monday, October 2nd, 2006
| |
11.43 am :: [ quantificational tristesse ]
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| Saturday, September 16th, 2006
| |
12.34 pm :: We couldn't deny it / because we could not admit it
|
August & September, by Elbow
Suddenly last summer, I started going out of my head
In a tiny hotel room lying naked on a bed
I knew what you were doing, and I knew what you've done
Your life with me was ending; your new life had begun
But I was cursing your name and I was cursing that room
And I was praying for the strength to stop loving you
I started writing you a letter which turned into the book
Gonna reach across the oceans and force you to look
But what kind of man was I--
Who would sacrifice your happiness to satisfy his pride
What kind of man was I--
Who would delay your destiny to appease his tiny mind
 We couldn't deny it because we could not admit it
If our love was too strong to die or were we just too weak to kill it
|
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| Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
| |
09.43 pm :: no pressure over nescafe freeze
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| Friday, August 18th, 2006
| |
06.02 am :: "coz in the end, we only get what we don't deserve."
|
i'm letting loose all the other things, but please don't talk of her eyes like they were mine.
« tu es le bonheur ! » mais pas la tienne, je sais.
...
you could be happy and i won't know //
somehow everything i own smells of you / and for the tiniest moment it's all not true //
do the things that you always wanted to / without me there to hold you back / don't think, just do //
you could be happy - snow patrol
[ edit: also posting for jeremiah, because you are not that monster. ]
current music: headstate: out of breath
current music: headstate: you could be happy - snow patrol
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| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
| |
01.27 am :: it was right there and i missed it.
|
[backdates, naturally]
waking up, him grinning like an autistic child at you - the can-opener - you; with one disoriented "wtf?", you realize: he just made you breakfast. awww.
the blushing that was too soon for the day, all because he whisked lint from off your dress in mid-sentence.
that morning's drive to the DA's office, the let's-just-stay-in weather, his ratty carseat, and the separation anxiety disorder.
"heart. soul. brain. phone. sanity. am i leaving out anything?"
"me."
the criminally saccharine holding your hand under the table, but your waist in church.
current music: headstate: inattentive
current music: headstate: be be your love - rachael yamagata
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| Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
| |
05.50 am :: do-over
|
things are looking up & hopeful again, i can tell. bright-eyed & bushy-tailed with other bambi depictions. and i know i know i know, not-so clean slates often disappoint, but if we could only be more careful of other hearts (even) when not standing to lose our own, because seriously, honey, not everyone's looking to get fucked.
current music: headstate:  awake
current music: headstate: nos de caridad - david gray
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| Friday, August 4th, 2006
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03.51 am :: never take love personally.
|
but what if you were the substitute and not her?the thing is, love. thing is... { it is a restless moment. she has kept her head lowered to give him a chance to come closer. but he could not for lack of courage. }i've always known.
current music: headstate: sullen
current music: headstate: for nancy (coz it already is) - pete yorn
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| Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
| |
04.36 am :: but i'm in the morning now.
|
i found your letters to her, my darling petitioner.
thoughts of sell-by dates make me want to hurl when life isn't a wong kar-wai production.
well you don't want me and i should have known / my heart can't seem to let you go /
you're not so special / you're not even close / you mean the least but you take the most //
light switch - jamie wyatt
current music: headstate: hollow
current music: headstate: light switch - jamie wyatt
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| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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01.57 am :: si jowein, pag nade-depress, naggugupit ng sariling buhok.
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| Monday, July 31st, 2006
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05.52 am :: the heart, it seems, is particularly slow to learn.
|
last weekend, over cake and the iced tea that we've learned to love, jeremiah asked why the wannarexia. the defense is that i've become a very literal fiona apple. 'honey, i don't feel so good, don't feel justified
come on put a little love here in my void.'
he said 'it's all in your head'
and i said, 'so's everything,' but he didn't get it.
i thought he was a man but he was just a little boy...
hunger hurts but starving works when
it costs too much to love. "but i do hope this isn't over the same guy." "please. can't i eat my cake and finish it too?"
current music: headstate: cyclical
current music: headstate: paperbag - fiona apple
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| Saturday, July 29th, 2006
| |
02.56 am :: for the damaged
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| Friday, July 28th, 2006
| |
05.43 pm :: early morning heartbreak.
|
[backdated]
two am found me on the streets of old santa mesa, looking to reload phone credit. the convenience stores were the usual inconvenience; attendant #1 hit on me as #2 explained the various rate schemes. it must've been such a science to them.
...
self-portraits. 120x100 pixels of hopeful reassurance. that green beach ensemble might have just saved my life.
...
it has been five hours of trying not to go completely mad and i'm sink, sink, sinking. thank god for eunice but that call to her meant sticking it out another three.
staying awake's probably the worst way to do this. speed dial 2 and it's you, my dear skirt-chaser! (train or no train, it'll be back to the old story.) that second cup of nescafe freeze wasn't the most brilliant idea after all.
...
six am, eastwood, libis. we're dining on my bleeding pigeonheart, al fresco.
"suck it up." and that was all the advice eunice was willing to lend me. i deserved the frugality. we stayed on for a half-hour more, to watch alsatians go by. (non-metaphorical ones, no kidding.)
current music: headstate:  rejected
current music: headstate: the scientist - aimee mann (coldplay cover)
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| Sunday, July 16th, 2006
| |
09.40 am :: there's a cat on my lap (everything's not lost)
|
... is true if & only if there is one such cat, on one such lap.
there may be hope for me yet!
:: same ::
by snow patrol
maybe somewhere else
will not be half as cold as me
the curtains drawn
the winter sun makes
patterns on your face
it looks like some kaleidoscopic
breathing exercise
it’s the same
it’s the same
it’s the same
( baby, won’t you breathe? )
current music: headstate: hope floats
current music: headstate: same - snow patrol
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| Monday, July 3rd, 2006
| |
07.08 am :: lady iron knickers
|
tricks tend to track you down
even when you're high
it's the reason they made it all easier
you'll never know the hit
tricks they track you down
tricks they track you
.
:
,
down still leeringly replaying events of the night with boy from SoCal, and finding much, much better alternate endings to "uhm. i need to get back to my friends now. try to behave yourself. ok, byeee!"i have turned into Lady Iron Knickers and i'm not liking it one bit.
current music: headstate: damn.
current music: headstate: (tricks, they) track you down - sondre lerche
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| Friday, June 30th, 2006
| |
02.10 am :: thus spake ciriaco.
|
this is the transcript of one of sir sayon's class lectures (nicomachean ethics, probably), where he talks about filia and the therapea of the soul. i was sifting thru old semagic files and remember having typed this close to two years ago. " … to put it in nutshell, socrates' answer to why one should live one's life a certain way is that that's the only way in which the soul can be kept whole. ( so what does it mean, to have a divided soul? ) certain themes in life, you find yourself constantly reverting to. and it's unimaginable just how much these particular two figure in mine.
current music: headstate:  okay
current music: headstate: choked up - whiskeytown
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
| |
11.14 pm :: no, not even this time.
|
[backdated: 21.06.2006]
the evening was, happily, without that god-forsaken nappa leather jacket with which i've had an unfortunate familiarity throughout highschool. ... it began as soon as i got in the car. (hmmm, leather seats. oh, don't we just love animal hinds!) nervous conversation and very incriminating music selection covered much of the drive to. maybe this time
it'll be love and they'll find
maybe now they can be more
than just friends... no mr. murphy, not even this time! (to be fair though, it was the radio--easy listening FM--and not his iPod.) i was supposed to be in charge of the itinerary since i did volunteer to tour him, but all i could say was 'pressure! pressure!' and titter and knock out his knees and sorry, but i could not make (simple) rational, adult decisions. buriadian's ass phenomenon. so finally, he decided and we settled and were about to eat grilled animal bits then i thought café breton would've been the better experiment. nobody made eye-contact until the absolute last moment, because then it'd be too obvious; nine, ten years, and we didn't know each other at all. he spoke of work, future projections, home mortgage, getting- where-you-want, and not really missing much of the things he'd left here. i shared my general panic of being *gasp!* twenty-three, adrie, nonwork, those-who-matter, forgetfulness, and never really being able to let go of certain things, of anything. i bet neither of us turned out the way the other'd pictured in their head. a lifetime as warm, dancing misconceptions. i don't want anybody else to die like that anymore. (but at least he remembered the blueberry cheesecake.)
current music: headstate: protracted solitudes
current music: headstate: wasting time - jack johnson
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| Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
| |
06.23 pm :: bennet street .isLove
|
Bennet Street isLove ...
  
( coz everybody'stalking )
when you talked earlier about after a few years,
how a couple begin to hate each other, by anticipating
their reactions, or getting tired of their mannerisms. i think
it would be the opposite for me; i think i could really
fall in love when i know everything about someone:
the way he's gonna part his hair, which shirt he's gonna wear
that day, knowing the exact story he'd tell in a given situation.
i'm sure that's when i'd know i'm really in love.
~ celine, before sunrise
current music: headstate: satiated
current music: headstate: something in the air - elbow
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| Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
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04.30 am :: love, because it's so easy now.
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| Friday, June 9th, 2006
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05.39 am :: "baby"
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| Monday, June 5th, 2006
| |
05.02 am :: songs of solomon, 2:7
|
the universe, it seems,
has gotten in the way of things again,
as it always manages to do.
but, if somehow,
you make your way to this:
it's yes.
yes, yes, absolutely, yes.
(because what else could it have been?)
current music: headstate:  exhausted
current music: headstate: this year's love - david gray
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| Thursday, May 18th, 2006
| |
11.09 pm :: whitney houston choruslines
|
and to the age-old question "where do broken hearts go?" the answer it seems, disappointingly plain, is 13 dizon street. espionage therapy, i call it. ... mark had asked how i've been, the press release within the french circuit being "gula-gulanit nanaman ang puso ng hija de ***, emergency french summit!""asking about you wasn't rhetorical at all.
and i dunno where broken hearts go either.
summer is full of shit. ohwell." and now i'm almost certain the incestuous love is mutual.
current music: headstate: warm
current music: headstate: the scientist - coldplay
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| Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
| |
11.41 pm :: "words are the closest thing we've got to being together. always."
|
[backdated]
"but have you ever really been with someone; i mean, truly with them?"
"well you, here & now. i'm with you."
"barely."
...
"and the island, it's really beautiful. hope to share it with you some fine day."
"my fourteen beach-ensembles will be ready!"
"i miss talking to you."
"i almost thought we weren't friends anymore."
"i almost thought that too. i'm happy i can still enjoy your company. and at 4 o'clock in the morning... wonderful."
"but i'll be needing to go in a few..."
"sleeping? or just plain bored?"
"not sincerely, no. g'night?"
"good night, maggie."
current music: headstate:  nostalgic
current music: headstate: the professor - damien rice
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| Friday, April 14th, 2006
| |
11.19 pm :: gaano kadalas ang meantime?
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| Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
| |
09.09 pm :: skyline updates
|
la lune has on her thin, sinister smile
(but there's no telling you tonight)
a smoker's grin, wrong & inviting
(like there's no telling you apart)
...
|
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| Monday, March 27th, 2006
| |
02.48 pm :: chuckie - love advice? (part two of three)
|
'"once upon a fairytaletime...
on a day like any other day...
a boy, like any other boy, met a girl...
a girl unlike any other girl he's previously met...
their meeting wasn't as spectacular as you might have expected, with the mounting build up all those ellipses up there have led you to believe.
but see, this girl, she liked ellipses.
and it took the boy quite a while to figure out all the other odd things the girl liked...
a terribly l-o-n-g while, in fact, that the boy had started slipping into forgetfulness, wondering what he was doing with all the precocious verses almost drowning him in bed...
(it wasn't his bed, of course.
and neither was it the girl's; at least, not the girl he met a terribly long while ago, on a very regular day it could've been today...)
that girl, the boy had left to wait for him...
and so she waits, waiting...
 
( ... and they didn't live, as you might have guessed, happily ever after that terribly long while. )
current music: headstate: (and waiting still...)
current music: headstate: switiching off - elbow
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| Sunday, March 26th, 2006
| |
09.08 pm :: (i'm just happy you feel the same)
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| Friday, March 17th, 2006
| |
08.54 pm :: look up.
|
tonight the moon's an impossible saffron, looming headily close in your purview; like it knows full well that every one of your little truths, as is everything else about you, is three-quarters water.
current music: headstate: disconnected
current music: headstate: lonely lonely - leslie feist
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| Thursday, March 16th, 2006
| |
03.47 am :: a bit of sunstoke and right away i wanna run off with someone.
|
|
well it's time to begin as the summer sets in
it's the scene: you're set for new lovers
you play your part, painting in a new start
but each gate will open another
june, july & august said,
"it's probably hard to plan ahead"
june, july & august said,
"it's better to bask in each other"
gatekeeper, seasons wait for your nod
gatekeeper, you held your breath
made the summer go on and on
well they tried to stay in from the cold and wind
making love and making their dinner
only to find that the love
that they grew in the summer froze
"february," april said,
"don't be fooled by the summer again"
"february," april said,
"that half of the year, well we'll never be friends"
gatekeeper, seasons wait for your nod
gatekeeper, you held your breath
made the winter go on and on
gatekeeper, gatekeeper, gatekeeper
seasons wait for you
and on that note: gaddamet! we're halfway through summer '06 already, and i still have at least five new/unphotographed bikini-ensembles, nesting lonelily inside my getaway bag, smelling of chlorine because these days all i have is pool access.
a bit of sunstoke and right away i wanna run off with someone. anyone.
c'mon. you&me, baby. let's go!
i'll bring the music and
you bring the smutty romance-novel ending.
current music: headstate: stircrazy
current music: headstate: gatekeeper - leslie feist
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| Monday, March 13th, 2006
| |
12.08 am :: (i promised charlikins, next time, no more secrets.)
|
when i'm big enough to be honest, i'll tell you about the weekends that have gone missing and the strawb'ry moon influences and soi-disant affair and i won't care so much who knows it just please don't confront me personally.:
.(i'll still deny everything.)
current music: headstate: crypt.
current music: headstate: song bird - coldplay (oasis cover)
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|
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| Friday, March 10th, 2006
| |
03.16 pm :: or maybe it's supposed to be augustine?
|
|
lately, it's been dream after dream of bad kisses, britney-in-concierto, and always always having on the wrong pair of shoes in crucial moments of phone-related depression.
+++
in one sequence, la casa de san josé is back under tyrannico-medieval parental dictatorship. i am exiled to ilocos (!), to be chastised, apparently—using the word in the archaic. when friends visit, all they bring are stories of marriages of convinience i'll as soon wish for myself.
in another, you are saint abelard, locked in a confessional for several hours, in prayer. as you get up to leave, a scarlet woman reveals herself. she is very naked and very horizontal. you immediately break out of character which is a surprise to no one.
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| Sunday, March 5th, 2006
| |
03.56 am :: yes, maybe, i felt that word for you.
|
he had always wondered how honesty would taste like, coming from his own mouth. so he turned to the small, friable shape in his bed and said, "i'm afraid i'll break you."
"you make it sound like a promise," she replied, growning into an almost impossible smallness now.
but the things that rolled in his tongue were raw and limp and he was disappointed. he waited for something more epodic, or at least in parts vulgar. "i don't know how to be with you."
+++
there is only so much truth one can handle at four in the morning. the tea's not even warmed up and already, he's left her; he'd given up, at that precise moment, several hours before either of them was even awake.
 and although she's the one who'd do the actual, physical, leaving in the days to follow, it wouldn't be until the final clearing away of things--things she'd left with him, for him--still many, many months off, that he will have realized what'd been lost that morning.
current music: headstate:  sick
current music: headstate: ain't no love - david gray
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|
|
| Friday, March 3rd, 2006
| |
05.45 am :: break-up scenario 2: (still fiction)
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|
| Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
| |
09.36 pm :: st. maria goretti, pray for us. (x-posted)
|
the universe, in its infinite boredom, seems to have taken interest on me again.
but why does it feel like such a trick, always?
current music: headstate: (only to be with you)
current music: headstate: love is no big truth - kings of convenience
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| Monday, February 20th, 2006
| |
04.50 am :: settling. (x-posted)
|
i gave me away
i could have knocked off the evening
but a lonelily landed my walls in her hands
in a way i felt you were leaving me
i was sure i wouldn't find you at home
and you let me down
could have knocked off the evening
but you lonelily let him push under your bone
you let me down
it's no use deceiving
neither of us wanna be alone
you're coming home
i gave me away
i could have knocked off the evening
but i was lonelily looking for someone to hold
in a way i lost all i believed in
and i never found myself so low
and you let me down
you could've called if you'd needed
but you lonelily got yourself locked instead
and you let me down
it's one thing being cheated
but you took him all the way through your bed
and now you're coming home
and i'm trying to forgive
you're coming home
and i'm trying to forget
you're coming
and i'm trying to move on
you're coming home
and you haven't called yet
you're coming home
i gave me away
i could have knocked off the evening
but i lonelily loomed her into my bone
you let me down
there's no use deceiving
neither of us wanna be alone
current music: headstate: stepped on.
current music: headstate: lonelily - damien rice
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| Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
| |
08.25 am :: happy v.d. (x-posted)
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| Monday, January 30th, 2006
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10.56 pm :: pod people (x-posted)
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the ipod will be here by tomorrow. i'm looking forward to tuning out for good; it's best not to expect to see me anytime soon. and with materialism the only reliable happiness these days, i don't think there'll be any missing-yous either.
current music: headstate: signing off.
current music: headstate: the stops - elbow
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anxious
blank
calm
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