Thursday, December 23rd, 2010
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04.43 am :: because some of the rest of most of you just aren't special enough, hmp. (19.09.2006)
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Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
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02.53 pm :: I dunno why it took me this long to reread 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'
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"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically." ... "Free! That was the great word. Out in the open world, out in the forests of the morning, with lusty and splendid-throated young fellows, free to do as they liked, and--above all--to say what they liked. It was talk that mattered supremely: the impassioned interchange of talk. Love was only a minor accompaniment." ... "[T]he discussions were the great thing: the love-making and connection were only a sort of primitive reversion and a bit of an anti-climax. One was less in love with a boy afterwards, and a little inclined to hate him, as if he had trespassed on one's privacy and inner freedom. For, of course, being a girl, one's whole dignity and meaning in life consisted in the achievement of an absolute, a perfect, a pure and noble freedom. What else id a girls life mean? To shake off the old and sordid connections and subjections." ... "Both sisters had had their love experiences ... [but] neither was ever in love with a young man unless he and she were verbally were near: that is unless they were profoundly interested, TALKING to one another. The amazing, the profound, the unbelievable thrill there was in passionately talking to some really clever young man by the hour, resuming day after day for months. The paradisal promise: Thou shalt have men to talk to!"... And take note: first 15 (of 283) pages palang yan ha! Tapos ang pogi-pogi pa ni D.H. Lawrence: 
Very GQ lang devah!
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Tuesday, August 31st, 2010
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10.45 am :: Ang matagal ko nang pangarap!
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Monday, August 30th, 2010
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03.45 pm :: Nagal!t ang Buwan sa Haba ng Gab! (1983)
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"Di ko hinihiling na makinig ka sa'kin bilang ina mo, ni bilang isang babae na ginawa ng Diyos na sadyang marupok. But please listen to me as a human being."* (Laurice GuiIIen to daughter Jan!ce de BeIen, when the latter asked the former about her rumored affair with another man.)  Currently playing on PBO. _________________________________
*I paraphrase; I didn't catch the exact dialogue.
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Sunday, August 29th, 2010
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10.40 pm :: Pag-ibig, pag-ibig, at PAG-IBIG LAMANG.
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Rome captures the essence of DUP's 0rosman at Zaf!ra most succinctly: "Alam mo yan! Twice ko cia ni-watch this run. One for each 0rosman. Pero in the end, kina ZeIims padin ang puso ko. Hihi." 
Pag-ibig, pag-ibig, at pag-ibig lamang! |
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Friday, August 27th, 2010
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10.38 pm :: Spinster-domestique!
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It's a Friday night. There was a choice between going to a temple event, a gaytogether, or a nondate; I deigned to stay home and instead sniff noxious fumes while applying wood vanish to the newly-installed bookshelves.
Welcome to Domestication: Spinster Edition
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Monday, August 16th, 2010
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08.12 pm :: No wonder she kept buying make up.
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"And what was left when she excluded all the ephemeral criteria of love? What was there left to be loved for when she'd removed the body, the intelligence, and the assets?
Like Descartes, not very much. She was left with pure consciousness, a pure kernel of being, a desire to be loved for the simple fact that she existed.
 No wonder she kept buying make up." (The Romantic Movement, Alain de Botton)
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Saturday, August 14th, 2010
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05.57 pm :: Hausfrau mode: ON
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Nothing like a good day of vacuuming and playing with power tools to help you get over your non-issues. (The kape-kape with The Eternal Spinsters yesternight did its part too.)
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Monday, August 2nd, 2010
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01.40 pm :: Isang beses ka pa magtago sa abaniko mo at kukurutin ka na talaga ni Jean-Paul Sartre sa singit.
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I was leafing through Donald Palmer's Introduction to Western Philosophy when I encountered this bit that made me want to take up Sartre again. "Take the example of a woman who has consented to go out with a particular man for the first time. She knows very well [his] intentions ... She knows also that it will be necessary sooner or later for her to make a decision. But she does not want to realize the urgency; she concerns herself only with what is respectful and discreet in the attitude of her companion. She does not apprehend this conduct as an attempt to achieve what we call "the first approach": that is, she does not want to see possibilities of temporal development which his conduct presents. She restricts this behavior to what he is in the present; she does not wish to read in the phrases which he addresses to her anything other than their explicit meaning.
If he says to her, "I find you so attractive!" she disarms this phrase of its sexual background; she attaches to the conversation and to the behavior of the speaker, the immediate meanings, which she imagines as objective qualities. The man who is speaking to her appears to her sincere and respectful as the table is round or square, as the wall coloring is blue or gray. The qualities thus attached to the person she is listening to are in this way fixed in a permanence like that of things, which is no other than the projection of the strict present of the qualities into the temporal flux. This is because she does not quite know what she wants. She is profoundly aware of the desire which she inspires, but the desire cruel and naked would humiliate and horrify her. Yet she would find no charm in a respect which would be only respect. In order to satisfy her, there must be a feeling which is addressed wholly to her personality--i.e., to her full freedom--and which would be a recognition of her freedom. But at the same time this feeling must be wholly desire; that is, it must address itself to her body as object. This time then she refuses to apprehend the desire for what it is; she does not even give it a name; she recognizes it only to the extent that it transcends itself toward admiration, esteem, respect and that it is wholly absorbed in the more refined forms which it produces, to the extent of no longer figuring anymore as a sort of warmth and density.
But then suppose he takes her hand. This act of her companion risks changing the situation by calling for an immediate decision. To leave the hand there is to consent in herself to flirt, to engage herself. To withdraw it is to break the troubled and unstable harmony which gives the hour its charm. The aim is to postpone the moment of decision as long as possible.
 
We know what happens next: the young woman leaves her hand there, but she does not notice that she is leaving it. She does not notice because it happens by chance that she is at this moment all intellect. She draws her companion up to the most lofty regions of sentimental speculation; she speaks of Life, of her life, she shows herself in her essential aspect--a personality, a consciousness. And during this time the divorce of the body from the soul is accomplished; the hand rests inert between the warm hands of her companion--neither consenting nor resisting--a thing.
Finally while sensing profoundly the presence of her own body--to the point of being aroused, perhaps--she realizes herself as not being her own body, and she contemplates it as though from above as a passive object to which events can happen but which can neither provoke them nor avoid them because all its possibilities are outside of it."(Jean-Paul Sartre, Being And Nothingness, pp. 146-148) Bow. |
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Sunday, June 27th, 2010
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05.14 pm :: A Moment in June (2009)
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Moral of the story: Wag sina-suggest ang LRT bilang tagpuan.
Bigo tuloy si ateh.
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010
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11.11 pm :: Momoe ♥ Tomokazu ♥ Momoe !
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This totally made my yesterday!
Sari: Ikaw ba yung asa profile pic mo?
Me: Hinde. 'Chungking' reference yun.
Sari: Eh bakit kamukha mo?
Me: *blush*
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Monday, May 10th, 2010
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05.58 pm :: Photopost: Freeeeedom! (Tastes like chicken.)
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[ 08 & 10 May 2010, outside Yuan Thong Temple, Bacolod City ]
Who the hell breaks out of a monastery? Apparently I do. Less than a week before my flight back to Manila, I decided to scale the temple walls* and run to freedom.** I treated myself to the most exotic food available in Bacolod: Chicken. And not just any sort of chicken. Fast food chicken.  Coz vegetarianism to me is about saying YES to things. Even meat. http://snailmailove.multiply.com/photos/album/445 |
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Saturday, April 17th, 2010
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11.45 pm :: And also with you!
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Monday, March 29th, 2010
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04.05 pm :: And here I thought I'd been doing so well.
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Unexpected separation anxiety moment of the day:
 I was off to return to Bo's backpack to her. Putting it on for the last time, I realize it'll be a while before I get to have that sort of weight resting on my shoulders again, to have something wrapped snug around my waist. A while, if at all. (So much for not thinking of things I'll be missing. YKWYA.)
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Sunday, November 8th, 2009
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06.50 pm :: Photopost: JD' House-colding: A Faghag's Dream
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[ 07 November 2009, Mandaluyong, malapit sa Shakey's at katabi nung banga factory! ]
JD's moving out of The Chairless Apartment so he decided to throw one final party for the fags (fagurls & fa-mihn). In a room full of beautiful gay people, I'm still the most bading. At this point, I'm no longer surprised.  ( parlor games ) |
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Thursday, November 5th, 2009
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03.07 am :: "So that whole time was like this sad memory for you?"
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Friday, October 16th, 2009
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02.08 pm :: Glad to have you back, baby.
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And yes, this calls for a bitty celebration.
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Sunday, October 4th, 2009
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10.54 am :: Not herd.
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"So. Are you still joining?"
"I don't think so. I'm having problems with the org."
"Like how?"
"Well, y'know."
" ... "
"Morally."
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Friday, September 25th, 2009
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12.36 pm :: Shhh.
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Tonight, it's been decided:
( ... )
Thanks to everyone who cared and listened
and indulged in the crazy and looked out for me.
Love my lovely friends <3 ! Always.
But let's be done with all the silliness and move on!
(I'm excit'ish!)
c: ,
TeamCarmi
(↑ wacky ↑)
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Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
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08.32 pm :: B/W Photography: Lines
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Friday, July 31st, 2009
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12.41 pm :: The (New) FrenchKids: An Introduction
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Meet the Frenchkids!
They're too cute! - Nagpipictorial sila dahil... wala lang!
- May konteksto sila mag-pose!
- Gumagamit sila ng props!
- Mabilis silang mag-upload!
How could I resist? Tapos pinatawad ko narin ang occasional "ate" incidents kasi nga naman 10 years ang gap. Their mothers raised them well eh. Tapos keri na na mahilig sila mag-wacky. Within a certain age range cute pa umarti ng genon, I suppose. |
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Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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11.49 am :: Single, female, 26
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Unedited.
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Monday, June 15th, 2009
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12.50 pm :: And this is Georgiegeorgie...
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Monday, May 18th, 2009
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06.49 am :: Meet Georgie
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My old new camera. (New old camera?)
Bought him off my brother, I-chan Moneybags (who's been looking for an excuse to upgrade, god bless his ma-ma-materialistic soul), as soon I got the check for my tax refund?/de minimis?/13th month? from the office.
Georgie shall be my escort until such time that a proper Photographer-Mowdel-Boyfriend relieves him from his post.
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Monday, May 11th, 2009
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06.35 am :: Hint:
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Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
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11.39 pm :: The ghost of words, or How to write a (non)love letter
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It was at a local bus stop where she found him; not really waiting for the bus or anything at all, but still, just there: waiting.
She was fixing her gaze at him but was distracted by the cold, how he looked cold; to her much like a mislaid coat, with pockets outturned.
Headed home, she asks. A cursory glance is all the answer he offers.
He, too, was distracted by the cold, how it's upon us all of a sudden, everywhere. Cold is an almost foreign concept, where he is from.
Home, he begins to say, is sixteen hours away. But his breath forms smoke like the ghost of his words, and these do not reach her.
Home is a far along way from here, she hears him, barely. Just as he was opening his mouth again, the bus rolls by and she disappears onto one of the seats at the back.
She wanted to talk to him about summer and the shortcomings of the sun and how everyone's headed home, eventually, but she's bound elsewhere. She moves to the glass that now separates them, like datelines and globe hemispheres, and with vapour trails traces for him maps and awkward heart-shapes and wishes of warmer days.
Home is a far along way from here and he almost tells her. But just as soon, he stops the saying of things and becomes the waiting again.
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Sunday, February 15th, 2009
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12.31 pm :: Dahil hindi krimen ang maging choosy!
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VDay 09. I didn't want to be assaulted by throngs of sappy-happy couples (hellllo, Sta Mesa Manila!) and I didn't want to be Miss Girly Angst Brigade four years in a row either. So whadda I do, where do I go? Divisoria of course! Coz nobody goes there for dates, right? Except... uhm... Unis. (Ahahhaha, ateh sorry naman.) In the midst of retail therapy, I found these non-standard wanted postings. (There were lots!)  Napa- 'GO GURL!' ako ng di oras. I wish I had these ladies' badassitude. Because choosiness is a RIGHT, not a privilege! |
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Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
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03.05 pm :: c: / :c
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I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not built for happiness, or unexpected kindness, or any sort of softness that comes from the heart. What could be the point, then? Coz I'm all drawn-out and I just want to rest on something home.
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Sunday, June 15th, 2008
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10.55 pm :: White flag
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It wasn't strictly a siege. Or anyways who could be bothered with putting up any sort of resistance against it, had there been one. The surrender was offered, never exacted, with mercenary smilies committing the highest of treasons. Fast-forward to NOW: when my phone's switched to silent and I carry on pretending to no longer be waiting on it.
any...
minute...
now...
... or now.
How about now. NO?
Coz now's still good.  And this is what happens after too many Tudor episodes. Damn you, Ann Boylen and your self-undoing corsets! |
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Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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03.36 pm :: Love affair with audio cassette
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Forgetting could be awesome sometimes like on a random day, you stumble upon some cool shit you were absolutely nuts about a while back but eventually forgot, and now it's dusted itself off and somehow managed to find you again and you're like ohmigod! ohmigod! ohmigod! like you can't believe and it's this intense reunion and falling in love twice over.
current music: headstate: Sticking with you - The Velvet Underground (Juno OST)
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Monday, January 14th, 2008
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12.39 pm :: 1st Asian Tour: Path to Boy
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I was certain that the first time I'd tour Asia, it would be a Wong Kar Wai retrospective: burying secrets in Angkor Wat, running all over HK or Macau after five million cheongsam changes, perfectly putting on blood red lipstick only to be smeared off by a mystery boy in Singapura.
But nerr.
Asian tour '08 is clearly Path to Boy. (Unfortunately, not my boy.)
May 14-29, Singapura - Malaysia - Thailand(?), with head huntress Charlikins.
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Monday, December 17th, 2007
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08.40 am :: This plain housewifery thing
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... ain't fun one bit.
I'm almost tempted to let them starve just to get a point across. (Never works, btw, coz there's always salvation in Ginisa Flavor Mix.)
I completely understand Mother now. Nagging is love on a loop. On a loop. On a loop.
current music: headstate: clumsy - fergie
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Saturday, December 1st, 2007
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08.12 am :: year-end target: someone who'd love me, false eyelashes and all (na STRAIGHT, pls god, pls.)
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Friday, November 30th, 2007
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12.12 pm :: carfuw
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and single, consuming thought was,
"papaano na ang ministop?"
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Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
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07.53 pm :: this week, in dvds:
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Thursday, October 18th, 2007
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05.12 am :: parlour game: exchange boypren
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a nasty little game of musical chairs (version: your boypren) is making its way into my once-immaculate social calendar. with forces much stronger than i am, i've resigned to the fact that:- he, who is a he, prefers him, who is a himgolf is code for "man-date"
- it's october; it's inevitable
which i understand, but...
how come i get the
carless,
pobre
one
in this exchange?... waahh. somebody, anybody, please come to my rescue. here's a stalker-friendly rundown of next week. consider this a personal invitation. it'll be awkward, i promise. ( no, seriously. )
current music: headstate: short-changed
current music: headstate: as lovers go - dashboard confessional
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Monday, October 15th, 2007
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10.55 pm :: pelicula 07: the compensatory return
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in the grand celebration of freedom and bitterness (because those two go oh-so beautifully together, donchathink?) i've dedicated three full days of last week to pelicula '07: the 6th spanish film festival. five of the seven screenings i went to, i went to alooone--two of which were even LFSes (last full shows, baby), which is kind of sad & mad & very tragic spinster-found-dead-by-her-cats-three-da ys-after, but at the same time stays true to the overall sentiment.
( ... )
current music: headstate: compensating
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Thursday, October 11th, 2007
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10.29 am :: sarah, ang munting prinsesa
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my folks just got thru the consul interview.
it's official.
i'll soon be a princess sarah
(that makes charlie... ermingard?)
current music: headstate: sad (meep!)
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Monday, August 6th, 2007
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05.54 pm :: unleash the inner drag queen
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 false eyelashes is the absolute next level--so i come to work, a different pair each day like it's the most natural thing.  ( ... ) |
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Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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04.06 pm :: dapat ata nag-iinvest din sa mga friends at hindi puro nalang bathing suits. / end lesson
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( ... )going hermit crab = not most brilliant travel strategy, especially when: 1) expenses will be split three ways and 2) decisions are called by the majority and they easily out-vote me, two:one. there ought to be a skinny on the cdo - camiguin trip somewhere here, but i'm straining my neck trying to write it up as ouchless as possible.  soon, comrades.
current music: headstate: out of order
current music: headstate: maybe - up dharma down
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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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05.24 pm :: i take time to warm up.
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why does everyone keep missing that?
i love forever&ever for always so what's the rush,
and where to, exactly?
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Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
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07.26 am :: can't have your cake and eat it too when you're wannarexic.
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these days, i'm so zen it's not even funny. i am also celine freakin'dion singing 'all by myself (don't wanna live)' to an audience of exactly zero, which could be funny but isn't the point.  ( THE POINT IS... )it's seven full hours of sleep and not needing to rock myself first. it's accidental babies by damien rice without the thought of a personal dedication. it's forgetting. in all five dimensions. it's reading about her and my pigeonheart not breaking. it's not feeling the need to read you write about her at all. but it's also switching off.
it's impatience.
it's days and weeks folding into each other, indistinct.
it's finding nothing and eventually not even looking anymore.
it's july rain, it's skin and song stripped of meaning.
it's static taken for silence.
current music: headstate:  sleepy
current music: headstate: silence is easy - starsailor
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Saturday, July 7th, 2007
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09.42 am :: aquasocks in aquablue with heart detail = serious emotional investment
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the so-called "wanderlust buddies" are a bunch of soggy serial flakes.
taker-for-granters of the five-paged itinerary, which, unbefuckingknownst to them, was borne of purelove. anal tendencies. whatever.
you.. you... YOU TOURISTS, YOU!
current music: headstate:  disappointed
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Monday, June 25th, 2007
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05.11 pm :: so i'll stop. (or at least, you won't be hearing any more of it.)
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back to seven hours of sleep, and here, you see, is the final connection.
i cut back on the meiji bars, spa sessions, retail therapy, so it doesn't feel like cheating. like maybe all of it's chemical.
but when is happiness ever not borderline chemical anyways?
synthetic, i mean. and maybe 'happiness' is the wrong word (oh!) to claim and wear around one's pretty little neck when wasn't it just five minutes ago we decided on heartbreak coz at least that, that'll stick for good. i'm sorry. in hindsight, i should've realized how this could be depressing (in a compare & contrast sort of way), but we really ought to stop doing that and you can hardly think it's personal. you shouldn't, is what i'm saying.
...
then, of course, the moment you realize it, claim it for your own, your lovely new pashmina's gone.
i hope the next time won't have to be a celebration in a lockbox. |
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Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
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07.33 am :: strawb'ries & bananas -do- mix.
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this is, i sincerely suspect, the happiest i've been (since, well...)
when did happiness become all and only about unguarded glances and lips & hands wet from always kiss kiss kissing and cellotaping hope onto the moment (any moment) just long enough until maybe it might actually mean something, anything, as if hearts-on-sleeves were a universal arts & crafts project. when did we start doing that? and why?
when the world can hold a whole lot more, and will for you if you knew how brave it is to ask nicely, a lot more than your put-on tragedies and awkward touches and blood thinning over pages of stale verse; you've always been so weightless, and we couldn't forget.
since learning to work my mouth again, and exhale when it's become impossible to take everything in.
-------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
current music: headstate: they do! they do!
current music: headstate: speeding cars - frou frou
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Friday, June 1st, 2007
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08.07 am :: caught twenty-two
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Monday, May 21st, 2007
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11.57 pm :: it'll be six months since by june.
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guess who rekindled things (or is it just kindled- sans prefix, coz the last few times didn't really count?), sounding scandalously s1ngle despite friendster status?
ok, that doesn't narrow it down to anything.
but vague insinuations of region one cohabitation were flinged around with such torturous ease (and snatched, posthaste), i could be imelda marcos. or is it more aptly gabriela silang?
current music: headstate: right on cue
current music: headstate: one more night - apostle of hustle
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Saturday, March 10th, 2007
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02.18 pm :: there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place...
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"meet me... at the kanto."
been here a week but everything else that isn't soiled denims or canned food or toothbrushes had thoughtlessly been left to sit inside boxes marked "HANDLE WITH CARE <3" (although, after the battle with unending rolls of packing tape, we start to mean it less and less).
no one has even bothered with the new address. like bunched up underpants, something wrong you'd need to get used to eventually. yesterday, i got locked out because i was carrying around my old keys. we could try but we may have elected, preconsciously, to fight feelings of settling in.
current music: headstate: homesick
current music: headstate: when it's over we still have to clear up - snow patrol
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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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06.50 am :: this little disappearing act
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bit by crummy bit, their turgid hearts are beginning to show weakness. they are on their way to missing me! which wasn't part of the plan, pulling away from the familiar; there was never even a plan. ... two months AWOL, mister consistency-is-key turned up again on my metaphorical doorstep, exactly one hundred fifty-three hours, gmt +800. and , despite the tiny schoolgirlish *squeeeeee!* i let out at this invite, i really have lost all compounded biannual interest. go find some other crowbar, lover.
current music: headstate: sleepy
current music: headstate: i get along without you very well - nina simone
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Saturday, February 17th, 2007
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10.15 am :: it ain't over til feb 15.
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cold
