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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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4:57 pm - WARNING: The Following Entry is Pointless
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A'ight... it's time again to do this 'update' thing.
I've been spending a lot of time in the studio, working on some lyrics and trying to get the beat just right for a few songs I've come up with. One good thing about all tha crap I've been through in the past month is I've got material to write rhymes too. I've got the anger, the passion, the confusion, the total feelin' of being fed right up down on paper. An' I think it's good shit. It's honest, the only thing I've ever known ta be. It's me, it's what I've been through. It's my thoughts on certain situations, my reactions, my feelin's. I've finally got a vision, a direction where I want my rhymes ta go. I've got focus an' I've been able to actually sit down an' write. It's been so fuckin' long since I've just sat with a notepad in front of me and written anythin'. It's a good feelin', even if some of what's on paper is still hard ta relive. But that's art, that's fuckin' life.
Marsh like the shit I'm comin' up with. In fact I think he was impressed which is cool. I've always wanted to do my own thing but I've learned from my brother. I've seen his mistakes, his victories an' from that I can make sure I don't follow down tha same road. I want to make music an' I don't care that I'm Em's little brother. If I can come up with somethin' that's good, tha people like... then why shouldn't I be able to follow right after Marsh? I'm already in the fuckin' limelight... I might as well do something useful with it.
It's goin' ta be awhile til anything becomes solid. I'm picky when it comes to my beats and how I want to present my words. Don't be lookin' in stores for my album any time soon. Right now I'm just pissin' around and keepin' myself busy. Seems that as long as I stay busy I'm not gettin' myself into shit. I'm not gettin' wound up in the games tha people play. Which is a good thing. I need a break from the drama anyways.
That don't mean that people can't get a hold of me. Christ ya have my cell and pager numbers.
Shout out to Shann an' congrats on the marriage thing. I'm sorry I couldn't be there... but you have a good feeling why I wasn't. Didn't need ta be bringin' down your day. Hope it was a good one.
Make love not war.
Open your mind and broaden your horizons.
Look past the nose on your face.
See people for who they are, not who they pretend to be.
Peace out.
current mood:  artistic
current music: REM - Loosing my Religion
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| Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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6:20 pm - What did you Expect?
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I have jumped through my last hoop.
I am done with all the games an' playin'.
I'm just fuckin' messin' around.
Ya'll don't like it?
I don't care no more.
I don't think I ever 'fit' in anywhere before. Growin' up I was the skinny poor kid, then suddenly I'm Eninem's brother. I'm suddenly surrounded with his friends, his lifestyle. But I'm thankful everyday for it cause at least I'm not where I was. I'm least I'm not the skinny little poor kid anymore. And I'm alright giving up my childhood for where I am now. I'm cool with it. So if you be thinking I'm going to fill this fuckin' box with how upset I am because I wasn't able to be a kid... fuck forget it. Ain't going to happen.
Ever since I got here I been taking flack. An' I've been doin' nothing but playin' nice and trying ta make everyone happy. I'd be the funny guy and be careful not to step on anyone's toes. I did that, I played that fuckin' game and I hate myself for it. That ain't me. I just ain't me. I went against everything I believe in to please some people. An' I'm fuckin' done with that. Yeah... I'm Marshall Mather's seventeen year old brother. That's who I fuckin' am. I go out and party, drink and get high. I curse and swear, rap and do all the things that every other fuckin' seventeen year old does. An' ya'll don't like it? Then take yer business elsewhere. Ya don't got to read what I got to say. You don't have to agree with my every opinion... just as I don't have to believe in yours. But I ain't changing for no one... so you either get used to it or look away.
I learned long time ago that sometimes life just ain't fair.
It's a bitch but ya deal an' move on.
Everyday we miss out on opportunities. We decide to go left when if we'd had gone right there would have been a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Staying home one night and that very night Miss. Right happens to be at the local club. Everyday people are missing out on things. An' I've missed out on a lot of things. There were times when I acted one way... when I should have acted another. I missed out on a great thing because of life's little choices. But ya move on. Ya pick up your head and you move right along. I'm done tryin' to prove myself. I'm done tryin' ta make everyone think I'm a'ight. An' that means you too Mr. Aussie. I'm not scared of you, I never was. But you can call off all your little hippie friends. You don't like me? You don't like what I got to say? Don't read, don't talk to me. It's that fuckin' easy.
Ya either like me or ya don't. I'm proud of who I am.
And I'm proud of where I've gotten myself.
Maybe it's time people got to know the 'real' me.
current mood:  numb
current music: Metallica - Nothing else Matters
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| Friday, September 5th, 2003
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2:58 am - Sup
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One of these days I'll come up with something to fill this stupid fuckin' box that taunts me. Today is not one of them days though.
Where the fuck is that brother of mine now? What? Now I have to babysit his ass an' tell him to update his fuckin' journal? Jesus Christ I can't even look after myself what makes him think I can look at his sorry ass too?
Oh an' Zhang... thank you. I mean what we talked 'bout earlier. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
current mood: blank
current music: The Radio
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| Friday, August 29th, 2003
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9:31 pm - Holy suck...
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The VMAS awards... 'nother place for people to prove just how slutty they really are.
Too bad you'll never be remembered for your music... just the way ya fuckin' act.
When did it stop bein' 'bout the music?
current mood:  blah
current music: Eminem - Sing for the Moment
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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2:22 pm - *@#$*#
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I'm not even sure why I bothered tryin' ta get through to you since you don't fuckin' listen anyways.
And I don't even fuckin' know what in hell I'm doin' in Prague anymore.
I'm done. Done tryin' ta make people see that I'm more than a fuckin' kid.
So fuck y'all
current mood:  angry
current music: Sloan - The Rest of my Life
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| Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
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3:28 pm - Whatever...
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Fuck...
What's the point in sayin' anything when you really got nothin' to say? Or you got a lot to say and just don't know where to begin. Or even better, you got somethin' to say but no one fuckin' listens to you any ways. It's been a stupid couple weeks that's for sure. I'm tempted to grab my buddies again, hop in the car and fuck off again. At least that weekend we all went campin' I didn't have to deal with all the crap back home an' around this fuckin' place.
What I should do it talk ‘bout the road me an' some buddies took the first weekend of Aug. I'm not sure what in hell happened. We were just sittin' ‘round the house when suddenly one of my friends looked over an' said, "You want to get the fuck out of here?" Next thing I know I'm answering, "Yes, yes I fuckin' do." So before you know it we're all crammed into his little fuckin Nissan with all our worldly belongings it seemed and off we went. We left ‘Troit and really had no idea where we were going til Steve, one of my friends happened to be lookin' through a few maps from the glove compartment and said, "Dude, lets go to fuckin' Canada." So off to the Great North we went. We didn't give much thought to the fact that all three of us were baked out of our trees and headin' straight for the border. I'm not sure how I got to be the lucky one behind the wheel so I told Steve and Regan to sit there, shut up, and do nothin' while I talked with the border guard.
None of us have ever been to Canada before. Well, that's a lie. I've been to Toronto with Marsh when he was on tour but none of us have actually driven across the line. One thing about Canadian border guards, they're pretty fuckin' cool. He asked us a couple questions, I gave straight to the point answers an' we were on our way. We happened to glance over across from us where people from Canada were headin' into the States and they're rippin' people's cars apart an' they even got the fuckin' dogs out there sniffin' around. We all knew damn well that comin' home we were going to be a) sober b) clean. I hate to say it but us Americans are kinda assholes. There were two guards rippn' apart this car that belonged to a couple that didn't look a day under eighty. I mean what the fuck? What in hell would Grandma an' Grandpa Kettle be smugglin' into the States? Better watch them fuckin' knitting needles she has... she knows how to fuckin' use ‘em. I just had to roll my eyes. But the Canadian guards were real nice an' just good people to be dealin' with. I even got to ask the guy a couple questions ‘bout where we could camp and suddenly I had maps an' brochures comin' out of my ass. Canadians, damn do they love their country. The guard didn't even really blink an eye either when he told us that the beaver was their national animal and fuckin' Regan howled like a stupid bitch in the back of the car. I thought for sure we were all goin' to get strip searched but he just told us to have a good time and moved us right along. I said it once, I'll say it again, O' Canada we fuckin' love you.
We found a campground and picked a really nice spot. I've never been campin' before an' neither has Steve but Regan said he used to go all the time with his folks when he was young. So we thought there was going to be at least one of us that knew what in fuck they were doing. Wrong again. In a matter of an hour, Regan just about de-balled himself with a tent pole an' fuckin' Steve just about burnt the place to the ground cause he over pumped the fuckin' lantern. Idiot just about lost more than his fuckin' eyebrows. I ain't never seen a mushroom cloud up close before. I think we'd be the first to actually send a lantern into orbit an' we were damn close. Normal people would be able to set up camp in a couple hours, it just about took us all fuckin' night. Thank Christ there was a group of people next to us that saw how much trouble we were havin'. There was a group of kids our age in the spot next to us and they came over to see if we needed any help. Which we did. When everything was finally set up, we thanked them by sittin' around the fire and sharin' a doob. Now I've mentioned that Canadian guards are pretty cool but Canadians in general are cool. We partied it up hard with that group an' had a great time. I for one really needed to just relax an' let off some steam.
The next day we all went to the lake for a swim. Now I didn't know this at the time but Canadian lakes are fuckin' cold! Like insanely cold! An' these Canuks are jumpin' in and carryin' on like it's fuckin' bath water! Canadians are fuckin' crazy yo! Steve cried like a bitch an' spent a good hour standing there with the water up to his knees til I got tired of his belly achin' and just gave him a shove. It was fuckin' funny til this chick Melissa an' him ganged up on me. The water is so cold that certain ‘parts' of a guys body not only shrink, they damn near turn inside out like yer bellybutton. But after the initial shock an' heat attack a body does get used to it. All of us spent the day there, swimming, horsin' around an' laying on the beach while drinkin' and smokin' up. Canadians are probably the best types of people to chill with. They're so easy goin' an' they treated us like old friends. During the day I ended up going for a walk with Melissa. There was a nature trail that went all the way around the lake and we decided to check it out. Everyone else was more than happy to lay around like beached walruses so we let them be an' just went by ourselves. Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm a born and bred city boy so I don't know shit about nature. Melissa made up for all that though and she'd point out plants an' crap and tell me a little ‘bout them. What was cool is she found a raspberry bush and we got to pick some. It's pretty fuckin' neat to know that you can be out in the wilderness with someone that knows her shit. There were benches along the way and every once an' awhile we'd have a seat, share part of a joint and look out over the lake. It was nice. She was probably the easiest person to talk to in a long time. I found out that she's this snowboarder chick in the winter and a sk8er girl in the summer. She has really long brown hair with blonde streaks that are done up in those tiny little braids. Green eyes an' freckles. Cute, really cute. She also told me that when she graduates she wants to go to university to take photography an' art. How cool is that? A girl with a plan, more than I got.
Regan, Steve an' I pretty much bummed off them poor Canadians all weekend. They cooked us supper an' we tried to help but they wouldn't let us. Course I don't blame them. Fuckin' Steve tried to light a fire and ended up using too much gas. Second time the fucker just about burnt the fuckin' place to the ground. They knew we were city kids, it was pretty much written across our foreheads in big block letters but they didn't care. It was three days of fun in the sun an' I started feelin' better an' better ‘bout everything. I even rhymed for the group in the evenings ‘round the fire which they thought was cool. All the crap that had been goin' on at home just didn't seem to matter that much anymore. Melissa an' I made a habit of going for a walk around the lake everyday. By the second day we were... *gasp* holdin' hands. But I thought she was cool an' she didn't care who I was. In fact when I told her she just shrugged and laughed. "I have a few of his CD's but I think I like alternative better." At one point in time that would have offended me an' I would have told her off. This time it didn't bother me at all. In fact I was glad. It meant she liked me for me, not for my brother. Cause their ain't nothing worse than a chick playin' me ta get to him. She told me flat out that she didn't care that I was Marsh's young brother an' right then an' there we was good. Regan caught us holdin' hands an' of course made an issue ‘bout it til I popped him in the head. With buddies like the ones I have, how really needs fuckin' enemies? Melissa an' I got real close during the weekend an' I think I really like the girl. Canadian girls = awesome kissers. I just had a real good time with her an' she made me forget ‘bout my problems. I could be myself with her an' she was cool with it. I didn't have to play anything up or try to impress her. She was a'ight with my real self, the easy, laid back self. She sort of reminds me of a hippie with the way she dresses an' looks but it suits her an' I for one am tired of the hoochie mama bitches that are always hanging around me an' Marsh. That an' she didn't play fuckin' games with me but I ain't getting into that either, just yet.
When it was time to leave I don't think any of us really wanted to go. I was just startin' to get into the swing of this campin' thing an' the thought of going back to ‘Troit sort of bummed us all out. I gave Melissa my email and phone number so she could get a hold of me an' next thing I know I'm headin' back to the city and she's headin' back to the small town she's from. It kinda sucked I might add. We got across the border with no problems again since we were sober an' clean. They did rip our fuckin' car apart but since we'd pretty much smoked everything we had, they didn't find nothing.
Now I'm back at home, sittin' on my ass with nothing to do again. Fuckin' Marsh is off somewhere, with Kim I imagine. He had mentioned somethin' ‘bout it before he left. When it comes to Kim, I just keep my fuckin' mouth shut cause I don't need to have a screamin' match with him ‘bout that whore woman. He wants to keep her ‘round then who am I to say anythin'? After all the crap she's put him through I don't get it, not at all but whatever. I guess it's all ‘bout Hailey an' the fact that he really wants her in his life. I can understand that but there are better ways than bein' with his ex. He don't listen to me any ways. It's alright for him to get all up in my face when it comes to females but when the tables are turned he just tells people to fuck right off. He don't want to hear it. Well of course he don't! Cause he knows we're all fuckin' right! But whatever, I'm not gettin' into it a'ight? His mistakes are his own. I just hate the fuckin' fact that he's playin' this fuckin' dame again when Alica's waitin' in the wings. Again... whatever.
Zhang took off for Prague, where ever the fuck that is. It was for the best I think. She needed to be ‘round friends and I needed her the fuck out of Marsh's place. She was startin' to drive me nuts. I guess this is where I find out if anyone actually reads my shit cause I'm about to stir feathers I'm sure. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person. I was really startin' to like her, more than I should an' I know that now. But how can you not like her? Anyone's that met her knows what in fuck I'm talkin' ‘bout. But I got one problem with the whole situation. If you're in love with my brother why don't you just fuckin' say so instead of playin' games? Fuck there is nothin' worse than those fuckin' mind games! I mean why in hell else were you hangin' ‘round the house all the time? An' the tea room? That was just a ‘friendly' gesture? Sure it was. How ‘bout you be a little more honest here huh? Tell me I'm wrong, go right ahead. An' I'll probably call you a liar. You think I'm stupid? Well I'm not. You fuck with my head, play hot an' cold while the entire time you're scopin' him out? That sucks Zhang, sucks hard in fact. Again, tell me I'm wrong but I don't think I am.
So that's my ramble. Read it or don't. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. Next weekend I think Regan, Steve an' I are headin' back to Canada. Least there I was happy.
current mood:  crappy
current music: 8 Mile Soundtrack
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| Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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7:33 pm - Key Notes of the Last Couple Days
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Recipe for Baked Road Trip Surprise
- Pick a vehicle. Preferably not your own just in case any ‘accidents' occur.
- Stuff it full of shit, taking up all and any available room.
- Add three buddies, pour into car.
- If you have overstuffed the car, take out a few ingredients such as the microwave that ‘buddy' doesn't realize WON'T work in the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
- Pour ‘buddies' back into car. Add plenty of cursin' an' swearin' for flavour.
- Bake under the hot sun for hours and allow to simmer.
Road Trip Rules to Live By
- It's fun to hit every pot hole and dip in the road just to listen to your buddy in the back curse because he keeps hittin' his head on the roof of the car.
- Never trust a friend that's been smokin' up all day to read a map.
- Gettin' lost is not the end of the world, no matter how many times it happens. (The record so far is 9 times.)
- Gas stations are like an oasis in the dessert. They have everything, directions, munchies, TUMS, and condoms in the men's bathroom. All very useful when on a road trip.
- However gas station coffee tastes like the ‘ass end of a dead dog,' as quoted by a member of the road trip party. How he knows what the ass end of a dead dog tastes like I don't even want to fuckin' know.
- Blarin' DMX at top volume is not recommended in small country towns. Such actions will receive the ‘evil eye' by farmers and small town folk. As will sayin' things like "Sup homie?" and "Is it true that small town folk marry their cousins?" Word to the wise: Don't do it.
- In need of a liquor store? Every country town has at least four liquor stores to choose from. Why? No one fuckin' knows. They also don't seem to give a rat's ass ‘bout ID either. Which makes buyin' my fake ID seem pretty stupid now.
- Small towns also have a million churches which brings up the question... what in hell are these people doin'?!
How to get Through Canadian Customs
- Before reachin' the border discuss with all party members in the car on who will do the talkin'. It's a good idea to pick the person who's the least baked.
- Once it is decided on who will speak on behalf of everyone else, make sure that the rest of the people in the car sit quietly and say nothin'.
- Have entire party chew gum and it's a good idea to have air fresheners on hand. The more powerful the smell the better.
- DO NOT call the border guard a Canuk, eh?
- DO NOT be smart with the border guard. They don't think you're cute when you are.
- DO NOT make any sudden moves that may cause you to be strip searched.
- DO answer all questions with as little information as possible. THE RIGHT WAY: "Do you have any fireworks with you?" Answer: "No." THE WRONG WAY: "Do you have any fireworks with you?" Answer: "Well now that you mention it we did pick up a garbage bag full at the last gas station we stopped at. We were plannin' on blowin' up some ant hills or some other shit with them."
- Canadians on average are friendly folk. Use that to your advantage by distractin' the border guard with questions about their ‘wonderful' country. They love to talk about their country... more so than they love to strip cars lookin' for shit. O Canada... we fuckin' love you.
- DO NOT ask such questions however like: "Where do you get weed in this country?" or "What's the legal blood alcohol to be drivin'?" Such questions seem to make Canadians a little wary.
- DO NOT laugh uncontrollably when told that the ‘beaver' is one of Canada's national animals.
How to Set up Camp
- DO have some sort of light when settin' up camp in the dark and not a buddy's Bic lighter either.
- DON'T loose hold of those flexible tent poles when settin' up the tent. They can be dangerous. However watchin' a friend just about get de-balled from one of those fuckin' poles is highly entertainin' an' educational.
- DON'T over pump a gas lantern unless you want to see what a fuckin' mushroom cloud looks like up close.
- DON'T use more gas than wood when startin' a fire. (see above)
- DO peg your tent down, no matter how lazy you are unless you want to sleep in the trees.
- DON'T trust a ‘friend' to hammer in tent pegs while you hold them.
- DO beat your ‘friend' within an inch of their lives when they nail your fuckin' thumb while you were holding tent peg.
- DON'T use water on a grease fire. (Yes there are different ‘types' of fires. Go figure)
- DON'T panic when fire spreads close to tent.
- DO panic when tent goes up in flames.
- DO use dirt or ‘friends' favourite hoodie to put out fire.
- DO learn from your mistakes.
And just a word to Smoky the Bear on his "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Cram it, cram it right up your ass Smoky. Shouldn't it be, "Only YOU can start the fuckin' forest fire cause you're a fuckin' idiot that's never camped before and you actually have no fuckin' right to even leave the city you stupid moron."
Things I have Learned about Canada
- Canadian girls are hot.
- Canadian beer is good.
- Canadian money is confusin' as fuck. How many coins do you need? And why is all your money different colours? It's pretty but JESUS CHRIST!
- RCMP does NOT stand for "Really Crappily Managed Police." (They didn't think that was funny or cute.)
- When you do find out what RCMP stands for... don't laugh. Just don't.
current mood:  naughty
current music: Eminem - Under the Influence
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| Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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3:08 pm - Cause I Got to Find a Way, To Find My Way
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Just gimme a minute (gimme a minute)
I betcha everything will turn out lovely (lovely)
Just gimme a minute (gimme a minute)
I gonna be a'ight just trust me (trust me)
Just gimme a minute (gimme a minute)
I betcha everything will turn out lovely (lovely)
Just gimme a minute (gimme a minute)
I gonna be a'ight just trust me (trust me)
Yes I've been fuckin' hermitin'. I'm so tired of the drama that I'm about ready to say 'fuck ya'll' an' disappear. Just get on a random plane and see where it takes me. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe I'd pick a plane that's headin' to some sunny spot where I can lay on the beach with fuckin' drinks with umbrellas in them. An' I'd lay there on the beach and drink to a point where I'd forget all about the shit. Let the sound of waves rollin' on the beach calm my spirit. 'Cause lately I feel like I'm goin' to blow an' I don't have an outlet to let it all go. I've tried lockin' myself in the studio and just lettin' it all go through random lyrics. Doesn't seem to be helpin' much. I can rant an' rave all I please into a mic with heavy beats but at the end I just feel pissed an' tired. Maybe it's 'cause I know that no one is going to hear my music. Maybe if people actually got their hands on some of my stuff they'd understand what I'm going through, what I've been dealin' with an' I'd feel better about things. I've always been the type to be able to say what's on my mind but lately I just don't feel like gettin' into it. Through my music is where I let out everythin' an' since no one can hear it, it's like I'm screamin' in a room full of people an' no one is fuckin' listenin'.
Last night it rained. Out my window I could see her in the back yard. Do you know how inspirin' it is to watch someone dancin' in the rain? To watch a completely free moment where she actually looked happy? I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything but stand at my window and watch as the rain soaked through her clothes. An' the whole time she had this perfectly innocent and pure smile on her face. I just didn't fuckin' get it. After all she's been through, after all the shit that's been tossed her way she was standing out in the rain as if nothing at all was wrong with the world. Christ she was takin' it all better than the rest of us. Seein' her like that was indescribable. It made me put things into perspective a bit. After all she's the one goin' through all this shit. It's not like I'm the one that's goin' to jail or nothin' if this doesn't play out. But I can't help but be worried for her. I'm involved, like it or not. No matter how much I try to distance myself, no matter how hard I tell myself that it ain't worth all the shit... she goes an' does something that just draws me right back in again. Like a moth to a flame an' I'm just waiting for the moment when I get burned.
Does she realize what she does to me?
Not a clue, not a fuckin' clue.
( I Finally Understand, You are my Flame )
current mood: creative
current music: Bubba Sparxxx - Deliverance
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| Friday, July 25th, 2003
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8:50 pm - Not Even Sure What to Say
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What little faith I had in the system has totally fuckin' vanished.
America! We love you! How many people are proud to be citizens of this beautiful country of ours? The stripes and the stars for the rights that men have died for to protect. The women and men who have broke their necks for the freedom of speech the United States government has sworn to uphold. Or so we're told...
I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be feelin', what I'm supposed to be feelin'. It's like a bad fuckin' dream.
That's Rock Bottom
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's Rock Bottom
When you want something bad enough you'll steal
That's Rock Bottom
When you feel you have had it up to here
Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear
Numb, I'm just fuckin' numb.
The ringleader of this circus of worthless pawns
Sent to lead the march right up to the steps of Congress
And piss on the lawns of the White House and replace it with a Parental Advisory sticker
To spit liquor in the faces of in this democracy of hypocrisy
Fuck you Ms. Cheney! Fuck you Tipper Gore! Fuck you with the freest of speech this divided states of embarassment will allow me to have, Fuck you!
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Eminem - White America
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
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3:47 pm - It Ain't Easy to be Around the two of You.
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You ever have one of those days where it would have been better for all fuckin' humanity if you had just stayed in bed? To bad a person can't find out before hand what kind of crap they're goin' to have to go through so they could make that decision before crawlin' out to face the world. Course that would make life easy an' we all know that there ain't nothin' easy ‘bout life.
I think it's human nature to take a situation and blow it completely out of proportion. I'm not sure why but I always seem to find myself in the middle of crap that I just don't have no business bein' in. What starts off as somethin' simple suddenly turns into drama that I just don't fuckin' need. An' I'm not sure what I do to cause this shit cause if I knew I sure as hell wouldn't continue to do it. Sort of like rammin' you head into a car door. You do it once, realize it fuckin' hurts so you stop doin' it. I get myself into shit, realize it's stupid an' try not to let it happen again. Only it does, over an' fuckin' over. So it's like I'm rammin' my head against a car door an' yes it hurts but I keep doin' it anyway. I must be a sucker for punishment, either that or I like pain. I haven't figured out which yet.
I went to LA for a couple days to spend time with a friend which seems pretty cut an' dry. The plan was to just hang out, go to Disney Land, chill at the pool, relax an' shit. But even the best plans have a way of getting completely an' totally fucked up. I'm not sure what happened, even now, but I screwed up. Somethin' happened that drove a wedge right between us an' I have no fuckin' idea how to fix it or what I did in the first place to cause the problem. All my life I've never been anyone but myself. I don't go around pretendin' to be something I'm not because it's just not me. I don't have time to puttin' on different masks for different people just so they'll like me more. If people don't like me then fuck ‘em cause I ain't going to change. But sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to have a few masks that I could wear. Then at least when I fuck up as one person, I could always try again as another. But since I don't it makes things more complicated. Maybe I was too forward or maybe I came on too strong. I'm not really sure but I do want to figure out a way to solve this shit. I like her, I like bein' around her ‘cause she's a lot of fun an' doesn't take life to serious. But like most things in my life, soon as something good happens I got to find a way to screw it up. Now I've confused the hell out of myself an' probably out of her too. So I left. I packed my shit and headed for home before I made things worse. Cause knowin' me, had I stayed I would have found a way to screw up even more. She don't need the drama when she's got a lot goin' fer her an' a guy that loves her.
But that wasn't enough. More had to be piled on my plate like I didn't have enough to deal with. For weeks not I've been tryin' to figure out where I stand with her. One minute I'm her friend an' the next it seems like she wants nothin' to do with me. She draws me in an' then pushes me away and that's fuckin' frustratin' too. I couldn't believe that she would just up an' leave like that. Yes, I lost my cool. After what happened between the two of us, an' it ain't your business by the way, I had a right to be pissed. What the fuck was I supposed to think? An' yes I have a temper, somethin' I've been workin' on for years to get control of. Sometimes I can an' sometimes it just goes off. I thought I had a handle on it. I thought that after a few days of coolin' off I was fine. I even made the fuckin' point of hidin' out in my room til I thought I was good. I didn't open the door, I didn't let her in even when she asked until I was sure I had a grip on my anger. But as soon as I saw her yesterday, as soon as we were face to face it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. Suddenly I'm screamin' an' yellin' ‘bout how she hurt me an' how I wasn't going to play her fuckin' game. What I didn't expect was for her to start pushin' back. She never seemed the type to take a stand, not that I wanted her to fold. Shit, I don't know what I wanted from her. Maybe I just wanted to hurt her the same way she hurt me. But she did, she stood her ground an' screamed an' yelled right back an' so started this vicious circle where neither of us were listenin' to the others point of view. The more she pushed an' the more I let my imagination run wild, the angrier I got until I snapped. I got to the point where I saw nothin' but red. I didn't see her, I didn't see anything but this blind rage an' I just wanted her to stop. I just wanted her to quit yellin' an' before I knew what was happenin' I'd raised my hand. I was ready to strike out at the one person that was pushin' me over the edge but something stopped me. What I'm not sure. It's hard to explain, it was like she suddenly turned into this untouchable presence but I was still so fuckin' angry an' it had to go somewhere. I needed to get my rage out but I didn't want to take it out on her. I had to get her away from me before I did actually hurt her an' in the process I did anyway.
Give me time. You need to give me time before I can face you again cause I don't want a repeat of what happened yesterday. I don't want to stand there screamin' cause it sure as shit didn't get us anywhere the last time. I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you in the first place. But for some reason you know how to push my buttons better than anyone else an' you don't even realize it. I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I never meant for it to get out of hand like that. Just give me time to work this out for myself an' after I do I hope you'll talk to me. I just need space right now ‘cause I care too much ‘bout you to see you get hurt.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Three Days Grace - Everything about You
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| Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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5:00 pm - I'm not Ashamed of Who I Am.
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Alright kiddies it's time to cover your eyes cause I'm about to get vocal. I thought I could just sit back and let it all slide but I realized that just isn't who I am. I've never been ashamed of who I am an' it sure as shit ain't goin' to start now. I'm not going to just take the fact that my business has not only been thrown in my face but leaked out for the entire world to see. That ain't cool. Like my brother, I've always been a private person. Any shit that I need to deal with, any problems that come my way I like to deal with privately cause the whole world don't need to know all the details of my life. I've already had to deal with people wantin' to know everything 'bout me because of who my brother is an' I've done a hell of a job keepin' my problems personal.
But then you suddenly get a few drinks under your belt an' suddenly you think you know it all. Well you don't. An' if you hadn't waved my business around like a red fuckin' flag for all to see I wouldn't have an issue with you. But you did, without even givin' a shit about what it means to me. What part of 'private' do you not understand? You want to play ball with me? Well I'm more than ready man. You want to think you know me? Go ahead and try. You don't know shit. Just cause you're sufferin' you think it's alright to try and drag others down with you? I ain't goin' down like that. Don't be talkin' 'bout things you know nothing about cause it makes you feel better about your own situation. Yes, I'm seventeen fuckin' years old. I'm fully aware of how old I am an' you don't need to be remindin' me. An' yes I understand the complexity of the situation so you don't need to be bringin' that up either. In fact you don't need to bring any of it up cause it ain't your concern. Focus on your own problems and leave mine alone. I'm warning you, don't wave my life in front of others cause you don't want to make it personal. I did everything I could to keep her protected an' safe from pryin' eyes an' in a matter of moments you destoryed it all. My age does not make me a kid. Age ain't got nothin' to do with what I know an' what I feel. I know how this world is supposed to work... but I've never played by the rules so why do you think I'm going to start now? You want to protect her? You care about her? I don't think I believe you. If you did you wouldn't have made somethin' private, very public. Did you ever think of the backlash she might get? Didn't think so.
So here's a toast... Fuck you an' the horse you rode in on. Have another drink why don't ya?
There ain't a soul out there that's going to tell me what I can or can't do. Soon as someone starts that shit my first reaction is to push back. There are a few rules that I live by, one of them bein' that what happens between two people should stay between them. Unless one decides to spill it's of no concern to anyone else. Nothing pisses me off more than people tellin' me I'm just a kid that don't know nothin'. I know a lot more than people give me credit for. I know that life sucks sometimes and it's not fair. I know that it can be rough and you can't choose the road that you've been put on. I didn't have a great life til I moved in with my brother an' even then it's sometimes not easy. I've got more life experience under my belt than a lot of people. So you can seriously take your advice an' cram it. Until you know me you ain't got the right to be givin' me so called 'advice.' I need to grow up? Look at yourself! You can't even get control of your own life never mind anyone else's!
You want to play?
Game on.
current mood: angry
current music: Snoop Dogg - Go Away
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| Saturday, July 19th, 2003
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2:40 am - Fuck This
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You have got to be fuckin' kiddin' me.
Him? HIM?!
You push me away but it's more than alright for him to touch ya?
Is that what you call thinkin' things over?
Fuck that.
current mood:  irate
current music: Eminem - Kim
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| Friday, July 18th, 2003
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1:25 pm - My Life in Pictures
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( On the Plane )
Yeah I look so impressed. Webcam's take the best pictures ever. Not.
( At Chelle's )
And I know a lot of you are going to be wondering why I'm dressed like the middle of winter when I've been doin' nothing but complain about the heat lately. The plane was air conditioned, which was nice... at first. After sitting in first class for a couple hours I started to wonder if anyone knows that 'happy medium' means anymore. I'm either fuckin' freezin' to death or sweatin' my pouch off.
( Whoops )
Chelle is very lucky that she walked in with my digital camera when she did... and not about thirty seconds after. Here I am in the fuckin' guest room trying to get into my swim trunks when all of a sudden there's a person standing there with my digital. You're lucky Chelle... you're really lucky. *laughs*
current mood:  amused
current music: Black Eyed Peas - Where's the Love?
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| Thursday, July 17th, 2003
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2:05 pm - What is it you Think you Know?
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A ces gens qui pense que je ne suis rien plus qu'un gosse stupide... vous pouvez sucer mon pénis.
There are only a few things that really irrate me to no end. For the most part I can usually just laugh shit off and let it slide. What's the point in lettin' stuff bother you when for the most part it's a waste of time? I think my mood has something to do with the sudden heat wave that 'troit is going through. It's hotter than hell in the city an' there ain't nothing worse than walking around with your boxers sticking to your ass. Yes, pretty picture but still unfuckingcomfortable. I like summer an' all but when you spend all day at the pool trying to cool off that means it's a little hot for my likin'. If I knew that he wouldn't yell like a bitch I'd stand in front of the fridge for awhile. What is it about hot weather that stirs irritation in people? Soon as the degrees start to go up so does a person's temper... and I'm no exception.
Yes I'm going to blame the heat on my little bitch session. Deal yo.
Yesterday I finally got to meet her. Which I thought was a feat an' a half since she's always hidin' out in that guest room it seems. I took it upon myself to take her out. Nothin' big, just stole borrowed my brother's car and took her out to see the sights. Took her out to the river and we walked around and just had a bullshit session. I learned a little 'bout her and told her a bit about myself. It was nice. Course the entire time I was with her I had to wonder what in hell she was doin' being friends with him. Don't get me wrong, love my brother an' all but she's not like any of his other friends, at all. She's got a sense of humour to her that you have to work at to reveal but I've always been up for a challenge. An' I got such a kick out of her trying to teach me Chinese. Course I can't remember a thing now so I guess I need another class? It's funny to think that such a little thing could go around an' whoop some major ass. Looks are decieving yo, she looks like a breakable porcelin doll, not an ass kicker.
Je suis plus intelligent que vous pensez que je suis.
I talked to her yesterday which was cool. I think she was testing me actually to see how long it would take before I started to stare at her chest. Guess what? I think I passed. Holy shit, I CAN be a gentleman when I want to be. Course that's not goin' to happen too often an' just for the record they're not too small... they're not too big... they're just right. There, piece said. I'm going to drag a few in my crew to go see her concert when she hits 'troit. I sort of made a promise an' I don't go back on them. Only problem is gettin' the hell out of there before the Dixie Chicks hit the stage. I can just see the fuckin' headlines when I'm spotted at a 'country' concert. Should be good for a laugh since the press can never get anything right.
Ne pas me juger sur ce que vous voyez.
Then I rapped with her for a bit. She is one cool Canuk if you ask me. I'm not sure what's happenin' but I'm either goin' to Canada or she's comin' to 'troit so we can get tossed out of bars hang out. I've always wanted to get hammered in Canada. Well... no that's a lie. But she's a good enough motivator for me to take a trip to the Great North. Canadian beer... fuckin' rights.
Other than that I'm just trying to stay as cool as possible and have started the countdown until I can marry my pimpin' princess. Least I got a few years to pay for the ring huh?
Last night I had a little disagreement of sorts with him. Course I'm used to that. I think the longest we've ever gone without saying shit to each other is an hour or so. And I suppose I could have gone about things in a better way. But I hate it, fuckin' hate it when he treats me like a kid. I may be younger than him but I'm not stupid. I ain't goin' to get into what we talked about cause it ain't no one's business. But I ain't this highschool kid that runs around lookin' for only one thing. I have a little more respect for the party involved than that yo.
With all the shit that's been goin' on I ended up tossing an' turning all night cause it was too fuckin' hot to sleep. That an' the fact that something I ate disagreed with me and I ended up sufferin' from a gut ache from hell. So I wandered around the house all fuckin' night feelin' sorry for myself. I happened to look out the back window and saw her sitting on the grass in the back yard in her PJ's. I joined her, had a smoke and just talked about this, that an' the other. Didn't really want to bother her though since it seemed she was havin' a reflective moment or somethin'. Suppose it's good to know that I'm not the only one sufferin' from the heat.
Vous ne savez rien.
current mood:  hot
current music: Project Wyze - Room to Breathe
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| Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
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2:19 pm - Boredom... the Great Disease
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Which band/artist did you choose?: Eminem (of course)
1. Are you male or female: Superman
2. Describe yourself: Soldier
3. How do some people feel about you?: Brain Damage
4. How do you feel about yourself?: The Way I Am
5. Describe an old girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: The Kiss (skit)
6. Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Searchin'
7. Your sexual innuendo: Remember Me?
8. Where would you rather be?: Say Goodbye Hollywood
9. Where are you?: Under the Influence
10. Describe what you want to be: 97 Bonnie & Clyde
11. Describe how you live: Sing for the Moment
12. Describe how you love: Low Down Dirty
13. Share a few words of wisdom: Till I Collapse
14. Are you older or younger: No One's Iller than Me
15. What would you like to do today: Square Dance
16. What would you like to do tonight?: My Fault (Shroom Song)
17. What makes you feel the best?: Cum on Everyone
18. What makes you feel the worst?: Cleanin' out my Closet
current mood:  devious
current music: Eminem - My Name Is
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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11:40 pm - I'm Going to Hell. Who's Comin' with Me?
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You know what? People suck. Just people in general. I went out to spend some time with my friends and we had plans to just chill. Hit the mall, get something to drink and just wander around. Which might seem nothing major to some people but it's always a fuckin' production when I try to do something. I'm actually surprised I even have any friends left. If I was one of them I'd be sick of it all too.
I don't know what I have to do or say to convince people that my life isn't all that interesting. I'm just a seventeen year old kid that's trying to have a somewhat normal life. I'm not a model, actor or anyone famous and yet I got the press following me around as if I was the newest million dollar star. Suddenly because of who my brother is I'm forced to deal with zero fuckin' privacy. Not that I'm not proud of him 'cause I am. There ain't no one else I look up to more than him. So I'm glad that he's doing his thing and makin' a livin'. But it doesn't seem fair that I get to deal with this shit when I'm not the one making records... yet.
All I wanted to do was go to the mall. Suddenly I got a group following us around with cameras flashing as we walk down the street. In the mall I got swamped with people that wanted my autograph. Do you know how stupid it is to ask for my autograph when I ain't done nothing?! I'm not a celebrity for Christ sake! My brother is! And if you reconize me and still want a autograph at least have the curtsey to not follow me into the men's washroom girls! Shit! I'm in there for a reason... serious.
So I finally got tired of the drama and took my friends somewhere else where it wasn't busy and we could just chill. They make jokes about it and put a good face on but I'm a little tired of it. Where they think it's funny, I think it's old. I always figured if someone wanted to know something 'bout Marsh they'd ask him. Like I fuckin' know how he's doin'. I ain't his keeper.
Reporters suck donkey (_|_)
On a brighter note I get to finally relax. Summer holidays are in full force and now that Marsh isn't touring anymore, I can just chill at the house. I'm kinda lookin' forward to meeting this guest that's been hidin' in the house. I hear that she's... well... enlightening. *cough* Come out of the guest room! Stop bein' a hermit and we'll go partying do something.
What a serious an' enlightening update. Shit I need to do this more often. *shakes head* I am the master of pointless.
current mood:  high
current music: Eminem - My Dad's Gone Crazy
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4:16 am - Short, Sweet and to the Point
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Well I guess this is where I pour out my life story but I think I'm too fuckin' drained to do that right now. Been staying up late now that summer holidays are in full swing. Not enough hours in the day to spend time with all my friends and do the shit I want. But so far it's been cool, been doing a whole lot of nothing which is nice. Now that I'm not on tour with my brother anymore I can finally sit down and have a thought to myself. Not that I mind spending time with him but it gets pretty hairy at times.
What else? I'm seventeen and pretty much have the same interests as most my age. For having a super star for a big brother I'm pretty relaxed, laid back. Sometimes it's not easy staying out of the lime light but I've gotten pretty good at hidin. If you couldn't tell I'm a private person, like to keep my shit to myself. Ain't nothing wrong with that. The entire world doesn't need to know my business. I'm not even the famous one...
Other than that I don't have much to say right now. I'm dead tired which means I should probably get some sleep. Sleep? What the fuck is that?
current mood:  tired
current music: Still Listening to the Radio
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