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Once or twice a month, I update this journal. The following letter is a response to some things that were said about me behind my back. The person who told me has now become suspect. If that person can turn around and tell me something another person said about me, how am I to know what he won't go and do the same to me? That is why I have made this letter something I wouldn't mind her reading. As I have stated below, I have nothing to hide.
Yes, she knew me. Emphasis on the past tense because I was a very different person back then. As for the trusting me bit, I wouldn't have trusted me at that time either. In that way she is not wrong, but that is also a reflection of my character from 2007. I guess some people don't believe people can change. I would be pissed off about that, but I know it's not true. I know that I've changed and whether or not anyone else knows/believes that is not my concern.
About the "screwing people over" deal. She isn't completely wrong about that, but at the same time she isn't completely right. We all know that when someone is pissed off they tend to only see their side of the story. I have the ability to see both sides, and I know the version that she probably heard probably made me look really bad. I made a lot of mistakes during that time, but I don't regret any of them. Every choice I made brought me here...I do regret what happened...but I will NOT beat myself up for it now. The first mistake was moving in with a friend I had then to avoid being "lonely" which was a stupid idea. It was me, her, and her young son. It was really easy to become attached to this family. Although I will tell you that my friend wasn't the picture of mental health at the time either. She had just lost her job and was in a very in between state. I had just failed out of university for the second time and very lost. We started really hanging out and became kind of inseparable. Although that was a toxic friendship for the both of us. We sort of exacerbated one anothers bad qualities and even encouraged them. Aside from that, her landlord wasn't really digging the three of us living in that one bedroom apartment. We decided (for some reason) to rent a place together. I did it because I felt badly for her situation. She could have moved back in with her parents, but it looked like a horrible idea. She made it seem like living there would be hell on earth. I'm a bleeding heart and I felt for her. We found a mobile home and moved in. I wasn't ready to handle that kind of responsibility, but I wasn't really able to think clearly enough to realize this. In my mind I was helping her avoid being in an uncomfortable situation with her parents. So we're living there for a little while and the next due date for the rent rolls around. I'll be the first to tell you that I was TERRIBLE with money at the time. My parents were NOT the best role models, and I was definitely spoiled for the longest time. I had just gotten my job at The Olive Garden back. I spent somewhere around 170$ on new work clothes. I was talking with a friend of mine who had helped me out with money in the past. He said he was going to help me out with a little money and not to worry about it. A few days past and nothing happened with that. I had to scramble around to find the rent money, which made things VERY tense in the house. I sold my lap top and took back the stuff I had bought a few days prior. I even borrowed a little bit of money from some other people I knew at the time. A day lapsed between the time the rent was due and the time I found the money. This made my room mate very angry...and even though I found a way to get the money, she was beyond pissed off. She has pretty much hated me ever since, and I can't say that I blame her. I left that night, thinking that we were going to make up eventually and that this would only be a temporary setback. We had a huge argument and she called me, "Pathetic" among other things that I don't really remember. She was reacting that way in defense of her child, which she had the right to do. Although I never would have let anything bad happen to that kid because he was the only kid I had liked up until that point. I thought that if I gave her a night to herself, I could come back later and talk like adults.I was wrong...she was dead set that I was the worst person to ever live. She ended up keeping and selling the stuff that I had left behind. As you can imagine, that colored her opinion of me and made it very unflattering to say the least. I spent the next couple of months drowning in a sea of depression and confusion that I saw no real end to. Anyone who has dealt with depression at this level will tell you that it is really difficult to make anything work the way it should. Specifically, I was dealing with depression and OCD. These two things together tend to resemble bipolar disorder. Not a pretty combination....I was left thinking about a lot of things..and dealing with the loss of that previous friendship. I kept my job at the Olive Garden from 07/07-10/07. During that time I realized that I was in a dead end job and that wasn't what I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life. I had an epiphany of sorts and decided to enroll at Job Corps. I signed up for the Culinary Arts program. I knew I needed a change, and this seemed like the best option. That turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made. Not only did I improve my cooking skills, but I was given the structure and discipline that I never had growing up. She said I was up and down, and that's because I really was. I was not really able to get control of that until Job Corps where I was given the time and resources to better take care of the problem. I started working out on a regular basis (which greatly helps with mood disorders.) I always look and feel my best when I have a good workout routine. I also got myself a good antidepressant, and that was what helped me the most. There were so many things I wasn't willing to admit to myself in that year, and that disaster ended up being one of the things that saved me. It was just the kick in the ass I needed to get myself to grow the fuck up. I still make mistakes now and again, but never at that magnitude.
She only knows what other people have told her about me, and a lot of it has been half truths. I only say this because they were giving her biased accounts of what happened. I'm not at all blaming my depression for everything that happened, but it was definitely a big factor. I was not able to manage my life, and there were casualties.
My relationship with her has been kind of "weird" besides all that and that is for a few different reasons. She was engaged to this dude, and he was a pretty cool guy. The friendship between the three of us got a little closer than it probably should have (this was while I was still at NMHU..before the summer that the situation above happened in.) I had a crush on her and I think she knew that. Being that close to her, I got kind of emotionally attached. That was pretty hard for me, and as a couple they were "swingers." On some level I knew that they would probably have sex with others besides me, but I wasn't able to cope with that. I was also feeling sort of awkward with the situation...Sex has always been kind of a painful thing for me because of the sexual abuse I went through in my childhood and adolescence. I got entirely too attached to her and I couldn't handle it. She saw me cry more than I would have liked..lol. I was a mess...and she's right about that. But it's so much more complex than she or anyone else will ever know. I know I can't change her opinion of me, but I'm not going to try. That would be futile..It's not that I don't care..because I do, I'm still human. I'm just not going to go out of my way to convince her or anyone else that I'm different. To do that would be to say that I need to be validated for everything that I have done to better myself.
In the spirit of "growing the fuck up", I want to say that I do not hold any ill will towards her for expressing an opinion. For the most part, she is right about who I was. I was a sketchy person at that time because I was not able to hold myself together for a lot of reasons. I couldn't hold myself together, and that made a lot of things in my life fall apart. Unfortunately, I lost some people in the process..and they're probably who she was referring to when she said that I "fucked people over". The only thing I want to say is that no one (not even her) is perfect. I challenge you to find one person in this world who has not made any mistakes. If you find a person who claims that, they're probably in severe denial.
I realize now that I can't keep everyone happy at all times. I have fucked up...I probably will fuck up again soon..but at least this time I will be able to handle it with confidence. I will have the experience to inform my decisions, and that will guide me towards a much better future. How do you think I got myself to San Francisco? It wasn't luck that got me here..it was hard work and determination. Other people may give up on me, but I will NEVER give up on myself.
That's all I have to say on that. Do with the information what you will, as I have nothing to hide. As for the "friendship" between Celia and I, she has very little to do with me as is. Hearing that she spoke that way about me doesn't surprise me. I'm a little disappointed, but there's only so much I can do about that now. I am going to turn the other cheek because that is the right thing to do. *shrug*
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