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Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
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11:40 pm
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11:37 pm
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| Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
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9:44 am
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| Sunday, November 6th, 2005
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11:19 pm
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two years ago i had the fright of my life, i was ready to give up on my only chance to go over to germany because of the fact that my grandfather had grow very ill.. we all thought that he was going to die, we didnt know what to do.. my whole family told me that i wasn't going to miss out on the trip of a life time and they said what use would i have been if i stayed in adelaide there was nothing i could do if he died.
now two years later its on the other foot, my grandmother has become very ill.. her heart could give out at any moment and she isnt well enough for a transplant. shes currently in hospital and it just seems even if they do a transplant she could die. it seems there is nothing i can do, the thought of losing the only grandparents i have ever had makes me so depressed. i dont know that i can handle going into hospital to see her but i also know that if anything happens to her that i will never be able to forgive myself and neither will the family.
just so much to think about and really so little time
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| Monday, October 31st, 2005
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10:48 pm
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"Stars"
[verse 1]
Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same
I've been thinkin maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain
[pre-chorus]
I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
[chorus]
But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself
[verse 2]
Stars lookin at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home
[pre-chorus]
I've been thinking bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
[chorus]
But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself
[bridge]
everyone, everyone you feel so lonely
everyone, yeah everyone you feel so empty
[chorus]
When I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone...
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| Monday, September 26th, 2005
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8:29 pm - my weekend... WOO
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alrighty well, my weekend was interesting..
sat afternoon i got a call from my cousin saying hey come around, were gonna have a few quiet drinks tonight so nothing too big will be happening, so yeah come and join in.. so i went down and visited my cousin and we went to this guys house. i walked in the door and said I KNOW YOU... hes like yeah i know you too, dont know where from but i know you... so i spent the night drinking and smoking THE CHEEBA and yet trying to work out where i knew this guy from... NEVER FIGURED IT OUT!
later in the night the guy whos house it was turned to me and said, hey i dont wanna sound like an idiot and i didnt want to freak you out, yet i know you too... i went insane, i was like I KNOW YOU TOO... so the whole night i went crazy, trying to work out who the hell these guys were.. It turned out i never worked out who they were haha..
so throughout the night i got a little too drunk and got some drunk phone calls from sarah which were entertaining :D sounded like she too was having a good night..
some highlights from my night: or some events that happened anyways... quick run down...
so i got drunk, vomited twice, and then passed out on a bed with ginger hugging me and andrew rubbing my back, they were still talking to me even when i passed out so that was interesting..
before i passed out i was laying down next to the fire throwing up, i said to them that i was cold so ginger decided the best way to get me warmer was to take all her clothes off and put them over the top of me, and to make me feel better she was going to be cold and suffer :D what a crack up..
ginger was prodding the fire with a metal pole and dropped it onto the floor, and decided to pick it up again but she picked up the wrong end and proceeded to pick up the hot end instead haha buring her whole hand and leaving blisters all over it :D again what a cracker
i woke up at like 5am and realised that i needed to pee.. walked in on andrew taking a piss, so i went back to bed and realised that the light had been on like all night... and i had two cats on my bed haha
andrew is a hot as peice of ass, well i think so anyway so the whole night he was trying to crack onto me except i ended up too drunk to do anything, so the next day i spent the day with ginger and andrew.. that night we went to his house to watch a movie, i hooked up with him then walked ginger home and went back to his house to watch another movie. but didnt watch hardly any of it becasue we ended up entertained random sexual acts :D
andrew wants to catch up again soon, which sounds nice :D seeing as this is the guy that my aunty and my cousin have been trying to set me up with.. hes a really sweet guy but yeah im not sure what i want right now which is also a little bad :D ohh i am only human...
OHH AND TODAY I WENT OUT TO THE LETTER BOX AND THERE WAS MY GREENDAY TICKETS WAITING FOR ME, WHOOOOO YES, EXCITED I AM, WHOOO,
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| Friday, September 23rd, 2005
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4:54 pm
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so how did i know that this was going to happen? so my dad was supposed to meet up with my brothers today down at noarlunga.. i was going to go and watch from a distance, see what he looked like, compose myself and then maybe meet him.. anyways i called my brother and said "hey bro, where are you?" hes like at home.. i was furious, i couldnt understand why dad would say that he would come down and visit and then on the day doesnt turn up and then turns his phone off so that we are unable to contact him.
hes done it again, let us down, gone back on his promise YET AGAIN...
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| Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
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11:15 pm - wow strange life I'm living!
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so its come to that time that I have been dreading the time to actually face reality and work out what I am going to do with my life. I've come to realise that I have got to get off my ass and stop saying that I am going to forgive those who have hurt me and actually do something about it. my brother has just turned 18 and he finally decided it was time to face the music and meet and forgive dad. he faced his fears and realised that he thinks that dad's an all right guy. now from what he told me of their meeting however he doesn't seem like an all right guy. both Tim and Ken went and saw dad together first time in almost 14 years, first thing dad (lets call him Bob cause dad really doesn't seem appropriate) Bob says "I have a lot of catching up to do on past Christmas' and Birthday's" he is still trying to buy their love after so many years. now lets face it Bob lives in his car, he works every now and then as a trolley collector and he's almost 60, how is he going to catch up on 14 years of pure pain and anguish?
I mean honestly I don't know what I am supposed to do to protect my baby brothers, they are going to see him again on Friday. this time without anyone being there. I want to go, see them from a distance to at least say that I have seen him. at least that way its one step closer to saying that I have met him. I want to write him a letter telling him that I forgive him, except I know that he cant read and that it wont mean anything to him because he is slow. but at the same time Bob being 60 its old, I wanna let him know that I forgive him that I will be there at his funeral because of the fact that he is blood.
I hate the thought of him living in a car, the thought that he has to push trolley's for a living. the thought that he may think that all of his children and grandchildren hate him. the thought that before he dies he should get our forgiveness I mean I owe him that much, not that I owe him anything but I owe him for bringing me into this world. even if I wasn't bought into the world under loving circumstances. I just wish that someone would be there to support me through it, I cant talk to my mother, I don't have anyone to cry on. I just want my family to be safe and have all our forgiveness speeches out of the way.
OKAY enough of that subject
isn't it funny that we never really know what we want until we can no longer have it? you ask anyone what the hardest thing that they have been through will be and I guarantee most will say "heartache".. sometimes I wish that there were sign posts in life, one saying... PLEASE DONT GO THERE GIRL one saying YOUR MAKING THE MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE WALKING AWAY FROM THIS GUY how much easier would it be if we just had some form of help in life? doesn't it seem that we have to do everything by ourselves.. what if I know that I have found the one person that I can be with and I just let them walk away without even trying, what if I pushed them away so fast that now I cant get them back.
I've had a few relationships since I pushed mark away, I pushed him away so hard and so fast and yet I still knew that it was him that I was supposed to be with.. how the hell am I supposed to move on from that? how am I supposed to get over knowing I have made the biggest mistake of my life and I cant have it back.. everything that he put into our relationship finally paid off, yet he's overseas and I cant do anything about it. he wont ever get to see the person I have become, sure he's coming back and we'll still be friends but he wont ever get to see that all his optimism talks paid off, all his strange outlooks on life finally paid off.. what a looser am I? did I pass up the opportunity to be with the one true love of my life due to making up some bullshit story to get him away, to make it so that he couldn't forgive me? oh I realise now how stupid I was but there is nothing I can do about it now.
will I ever get to know those feelings again?
WAY ENOUGH OF THAT SUBJECT :(
so yeah we're planning a trip to Melbourne for the GREENDAY, MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, JIMMY EAT WORLD concert. oh how excited I am about this one guys. this trip is going to take place from the evening of the 15th of December through to the 18th of December. its going to be a weekend to remember lets put it that way :D so excited right now.. the only problem is now I have to save and I also have to get time off of work for the weekend. which is going to be hard seeing as its in our busiest season the SILLY SEASON, i'll probably get fired or some bullshit hahah
okay so now your all sick of me im gonna head off
night all
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2:32 pm - lies, trust, love, heartache.
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isn't it funny that when someone tells you that they love you, we automatically believe it? i was sucked into believing that i was loved, yet unto my knowledge my whole relationship was built on a lie. the fact that craig of all people did not believe that there was anyway he could trust me with the fact that he was still friends/ bestfriends with his ex.
now im not the type of person to say, wow you want to keep your friendship hidden from your parents.. Ohhh im gonna go and tell on you now! who the fuck thinks im like that? how fucking stupid does he think i am? my whole relationship was built on the fact that i trusted him with everything, lets face it i gave away the one thing i never wanted to do with anyone until i was married. i gave away my hope of a special type of trust. all to someone that didn't trust me in the first place.
i couldn't even find this out from him, i found this all out because of Jenna (the ex) calling me up at 2 in the morning trying to help me out, trying to make me understand that she too understands my pain. honestly i thought she was lying until i realised that all along she was the only one being truithful to me. isn't it funny how the people we least trust are the ones that are being the most truithful to us?
my whole life has been shattered. i honestly dont know what i am supposed to do... is there such a thing as love? is there such a thing as tust in the first place and if so am i really that untrustworthy? i dont know what i am supposed to think, all my dreams were shattered and i guess hearing that our whole relationship was built on a lie and then lies to follow that makes it easier to get over. but that doesnt mean that i am not deeply hurt by the fact. i gave so much trust to that relationship, hell i didnt want to enter into a relationship when everyone knew that i wasnt over my ex. i also wasnt going to get into a relationship so close after what happened to me back last november. honestly i dont know what i am supposed to do, i cry when people talk to me about it.. hell i cried the other night when we were out at the havlock.. i guess these whole events have tought me not to trust people that work at coles hahaha...
honestly what do i do? do i wait around and see if old relationships will mend themselves and return to being the best thing that ever happened to me? or so i move on from past feelings only to still realise that i do indeed feel for that one person still? ohh i wish i knew the answers to all the questions that i ask...
im looking for too many answers to too little questions, i ask myself the same questions everyday. i've realised that since i have been single ive been going out a lot more, spending so much more money on drugs and alcohol and thats not the person that i was. i dont know what i have become. maybe just a single version of who i always was? ohh who knows anymore, and really who cares. im just taking every step as slowly as i possibly can in order to not get hurt. and lets face it that means not getting hurt by myself or anyone else.
i still cant help thinking however that i have wrecked my life, that i have given away all my hopes and dreams only to be broken down.. ohh who knows what life is really about
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| Monday, September 19th, 2005
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4:27 pm - EXCITEED...
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BIG BIG NEWS....
BIG DAY OUT 2006
1st Announcement: Wednesday 5th Oct
ON SALE: Friday 14th Oct
BDO 2006 SHOW DATES:
Fri 20th Jan - AUCKLAND - ERICSSON STADIUM
Sun 22nd Jan - GOLD COAST - PARKLANDS
Thu 26th Jan - SYDNEY - SYDNEY SHOWGROUND
Sun 29th Jan - MELBOURNE PRINCES PARK
Fri 3rd Feb - ADELAIDE - ROYAL ADELAIDE SHOWGROUND
Sun 5th Feb - PERTH - CLAREMONT SHOWGROUNDS
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4:05 pm - OH MY GOSH!!!
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alright well everyone knows how much i loved the last greenday concert and how pumped i was for months afterwards but this is so much better..
"15 September 2005
Green Day have announced their second Australian tour for 2005 in December and they are just proving that they are bigger than ever.
Tagging along with them this time will be punk rockers My Chemical Romance and emo kings Jimmy Eat World. "
ACCCCCCCTUAL FUCKING SICK AS... im so going, there is no questions asked i will go... i am going even if everyone else bails on me i am going!!!!
honestly i dont care what anyone says i am definately going, i cant miss out on that... tickets go on sale on the 27th of september and i am hoping to secure a ticket then..
so fucking excited right now...
so yeah now all i have to do is wait for the tix to come on sale.. but one, and save my fucking heart out to go to melbourne
WOOOO so excited.....
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| Monday, September 12th, 2005
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11:42 pm - time for a weird update ;)
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lately everything has been a little strange, i have gone from having next to no hours at work to now having almost full time hours. not that i am complaing about that the money is good. also its gone from me hardly ever going out to me going out twice a week sometimes three times a week to party my little heart out. i just find it strange that it life can swing to one extreem to another so quickly.
another thing i find weird is, you can go months without someone cracking onto you in a club or out in public. but then when somoene cracks onto you, you suddenly have a whole group of people lined up.. what the fuck, my cousin and her mother are trying to set me up with one of my cousins friends, who im apparently "totally suited for" again what the.. my auntie was on the phone to mum the otherday talking about it for ages, i was like umm i havent even met this person..
also lately i have been having weird dreams, im kind of confused about them. i have the same dreams over and over again its like my head and some other force is trying to tell me something but they want me to know most of the information but not all of it? ohh it confuses me so much that i cant even begin to explain how much it actually does confuse me.
oh a good note most nights i hav stopped crying myself to sleep, i mean when i think about how my life is panning out it does make me sad. i can freely admit that i wish that life was indeed different but again its not so i cant really complain about that.
on saturday i have been single for a month, now at first thinking about this scared me. how was i ever going to cope without all the plans that i held so dear? but i have come to realise that just becasue im not with "him" anymore doesnt mean that my dreams dont exist, now thats been hard for me to realise. hard to realise that oneday my dreams will come true and they will be with someone special, who knows who that person is going to be but... thats all the fun of having dreams isnt it? trying to find the person to help you fufill them right?
so as hard as the last month has been and as hard as it will get, i know that there isnt anything wrong with crying myself to sleep due to the fact that tears are normal and i am allowed to cry. meh stop bullshitting..
i've also decided i need to lose a shitload of weight for myself to be happy, i used to weigh 55kgs which was ideal for me, but now i weigh so much more than that.. if i can get back to that weight before christmas i will be happy.. any ideas of now, and how to keep myself motivated... ohh dont worry i got some ideas so....
meh stop bullshitting, they dont wanna hear it....
goodnight
current mood:  amused
current music: "Dead boy's poem" - Nightwish
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| Thursday, September 8th, 2005
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12:05 am - Ohh how things have changed,
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Isn't it funny how the things we once thought were imprtant to us, things that we wanted to acomplish aren't important to us anymore when we get older. so many of the list below i dont even care about anymore, i look upon my old hopes and say to myself "What a stupid child i once was" lets face it almost everything on that list below means nothing to me anymore. sure i acomplised a few of those things but what does it matter they were little and insignificant. ohh how life changes right below our noses and we dont even notice until we take the time to read back on our past thoughts.
i've realised what i want, but what i want is something i can never have.. isnt it always the way that you dont know how good things are until they walk away from you and you can never have them back. you spend all your life wanting, waiting for things to be back the way they were and they just never happen. you put all your time and effort into having dreams and feelings for people but what does it matter if all hope is gone. you know you cant have what you want. i'll be 20 in 6 months, this whole year i have thought about what i wanted. about the realtionships i have entered into and the things i have and havent acomplished.. but nothing matters anymore.
i wont be able to hold the person that i love, i wont be able to tell them how much i care about them becasue i know they dont feel the same way. i long for them to come back, for things to be the way they were but deep down i know that nothing will ever be the same, things can either get better or worse for me, i hope that they get better but right now i can only see them getting worse. i dont want to get into another relationship until i can fully let go of this past one first, i know that he has said that we can never be together again but i hope, dream and pray that he is mistaken. i know that our dreams were real, i know that they meant something to us both. and that doesnt just change over night...
when is it time to give up hope on a lost love? when is it time to move on when all you can see is your future with them? you try and kid yourself into thinking that this next relationship will be the one, that this one means the world to me.. you build new dreams, new goals but nothing seem to fill that spot within you, that spot that you know means the world to you both. but you cant ever get it back, when is it time to give up all hope..
how stupid do my old dreams look now?!!
a list of things i want to do before i die...
1.finish my personal project
2. get along better with my mum
3. finish year 10
4. finish year 11
5. finish year 12 (screwed that one up)
6. don't have sex again until im married (unable to complete)
7. write more poetry
8. paint more with feeling and emotion
9. walk more and more regularly
10. save for my car
11. save for my licence
12. find ture love
13. contact andrea and keep in touch
14. make a better relationship with God and keep it
15. get baptised
16. learn how to sing
17. play my viola
18. go to a big day out
19. admit my love to people
20. stick up for people who get payed out and picked on
21. get engaged to the one person i truely love
22. get married
23. have georgeous children
24. stick by all my rules
25. write in my journal more regularly
26. keep in touch with myself and my music
27. always listen to mucic
28. go to germany
29. go to atleast 2 other countries
30. listen to what God is saying to me and follow it
31. trust my heart
32. change my body weight and shape
33. stick by my word
34. dont be afraid to express my real feelings even if it means crying
35. get more sleep
36. try not to gossip
37. dont lie to anyone
38. listen to my friends and give them advice
39. try not to get jelous
40. be nice to everyone
41. accept complements
42. have more boyfriends
43. life a fufilled life
44. dont date just anyone, get to know them first
45. have professional photos taken
46. work out who i am
47. make good friends and keep them
48. write my life story
49. love the world more and the people in it
50. see as much of my friends as possible
51. be friends with leesha and kylie all our lives
52. begin to relate more tp myself, so i can reate to everyone around me
53. take as many photos of my life as possible
54. go on long drives just to be able to think
55. enjoy life and experience as much as possible
56. forgive my dad and andrew
57. forgive sam
58. become a foster carer and give hope to other children in need
59. keep a tidy room with structre
60. see my dad and tell him to his face that i love him and he is forgiven
61. walk along the boardwalk from glenelg to semaphore
62. save $1000 by the end of 2004
63. walk two nights a week
64. continue not to eat meat
65. not conform to the confomities of society
66. pose naked for my own art photos and benifits
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things i want in my perfect man...
.has to love me for me and understand that somtimes im just a little different to most people
.has to be able to communicate with me and its not always just me talking
.be able to show affection in public as well as in private
.be able to have time away from each other and know that we still love each other
.has to be a friend as well as someone im in love with
.accept me for me
.see the beauty in me that nobody else looks hard enough to find
.believes in me, that i can achieve what ever i put my mind to
.be able to get alone well with my friends and family
.dont have to be an all physical relationship
.doesnt have to be the most romantic guy as long as we get time alone
.i want to be able to know its not an all physical relationship
.has to love children as they are alwasy around
.be willing to work on his faults as well as mine
..cute, loving, sensitive
.strong able to fix things
.cant be an all serious relationship
.be able to know that when things get tough where not going to just break up
.isnt an angry violent person
.is proud of me
.thinks im beautiful and tells me so
.respects me for who i am
.has to be funny
.hows me like no other
.somone who i can trust wont get addicted to drugs, somone preferablly that doesnt start
.someone who would watch the sunset, rain and sunrise with me
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| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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10:37 pm
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alright well its been a while since i posted on her. ive realised that most of the people that used to read this, well they no longer do. ive also realised that most of the people that i used to watch no longer use this so, i guess im safe to write anything i damn well like on here. i havent been writing on here as much due to the fact that i didnt want people from school to be reading how i wa feeling and then talking about it all the time behind my back, i guess that was still a fear a year after i left school...
so i have been fairly active on my site www.friendofloneliness.deviantart.com
most of my feelings have been going up there through art form and journal form. but lets face it this is really for my own theraphy, so lately a lot of things have been happening, i got my heart broken by craig, still dont have any explanation what so ever. to me it just seemed like the break up came from no where except the fact he had slowly gone insane.. so i wrote a poem that basically says everything i have been feeling and how i feel now.. here goes
THANK YOU!
with every moment,
that passes through my mind,
i begin to feel,
there was no more i could have done,
it's only just hit me,
that ive lost but the war it's won,
last night,
i was able to dream again,
i didn't cry myself to sleep again,
i felt calm again,
even with the knowledge,
i cant hold onto you anymore.
last night you wounded me,
it was like a stab to the heart,
but this time you missed,
my heart is just fine,
though broken,
my friends are picking up the peices,
sticking me back together.
so now i know im stronger,
thank you.
now i know i can deal,
so thank you,
i know i will heal with time,
so for all the pain,
i thank you.
i know i'm able to live,
never thought i would say that did you?
i am able to move on,
you made that so much easier,
pushing me away so swiftly,
with so much anger and force.
its your fault i can say,
i'm stronger.
so i thank you,
i know i can feel again,
so thank you.
i'm able to feel pain again,
so thank you.
im able to be me again,
again i truely thank you.
so this was basically to tell you i will be more active on here..
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| Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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11:32 pm - reality overview...
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ive come to realise that i really dont have many friends at all, those who i considered to be friends really havent shown that they are indeed "friends" and those who i thought weren't as much of a friend to me have come to supprise me and show me that indeed they are..
i never thought i deserved to find love, and when i thought i found it i still wasnt sure. meaning im still not completely sure, ive found someone who for months i thought to myself "everything is too perfect, i've found that one mr right who's going to sweep me off my feet and make me feel special" he too was under the impression that we would have a 5 year plan that included engagement, marriage and our first child, it soon became 4 years. but as time has gone on and we no longer have as much time to see each other as we used to this does no longer seem a reality. though everytime i say "love me forever" he does reply with "sounds good" or "i will" however i have my doubts that this will ever happen due to the fact that when i see him it doesnt seem like we used to. though things have been getting better since last week when one of my friend swiftly told him to pull his finger out and give me the attention i deserved.
this just showed me that if he had to be pushed into giving me more attention then things probably weren't as they seemed, he probably wasnt feeling the love i felt for him. which brings me back to the fact that to everyone else things are fine. but to me things just dont seem to be fine. hes going away for a week in less than a week and there has been no talk of spending as much time as possible with each other. im sure that he doesnt feel anything becasue of the fact that when today i said "why are you with me" he simply replied "i dont know why am i with you" again putting the pressure back onto myself..
things are just never as they seem..
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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9:56 pm - i guess things are still screwed up
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its been a while since i have writen down my feelings, so here i am. there has been a lot going on in my life, i haven't been doing much. i didnt do year in the son becasue i wouldnt have been able to pay for it due to having other things that i needed to buy and pay for. and the fact that i am saving up to go on some form of a holiday at the end of the year. things have been fairly screwed and i am just trying to give myself some hope, buying myself nice things and making myself feel better about myself. expensive things make me feel better about myself for just a little while.
i've been working 38 hour weeks and still have no money. i hooked up with a manager at work and i still dont know what i am supposed to do about it becasue he likes me but it doesnt mean that anything will happen from it, it seems to me that all the good guys are taken and you cant do anything about it becasue even though they want you they wont do anything about their women so that screws you around more.
due to CIB not contacting me about my case i have to wait around for them to tell me what is going on, tomorrow im supposed to be having a meeting with my lawyers and all that jazz about my case but they haven't told me anything about it so i dont knwo what is going on there.
on the weekend it was my friends 18th, first time in a while i have let myself go and get totally drunk off my tits, i asked the security guards at my friends 18th the handcuff me so they did it was so cool.. but yeah its the first time i have let myself go and everyone got pissed off at me, i mean i could have been a lot worse off but i guess they didnt really give a shit about that. apparently i was too dangerous for my own good.. but i guess they dont realise that i bring more danger when i am at home in bed trying to kill myself.
watching "Jordan" the TV show brings tears to my eyes, they have rape victims on and the thing is they always find the person and give them a court sentance. the only problem is that i know that this is not how it works in Australia. usually even with all the evidence there they still get away with it, the only problem is i wish i could kill the bastard that did this to me yet i know that even the sentance of living in jail wouldnt be as bad as living with the scars that i have to live with daily after the whole thing happened. the nightmares, the way that i freak out when people i dont know touch my hands, when people i dont know are behind me or even look at me differently. the thing is i live with these non physical scars daily and no one seems to give a shit. the whole legal system is fucked but i know that once my case is over it will be another rape victim that has been forgotten.
i guess this is just a screwed up place and i just dont want any part of it anymore. i know that if i were to die i would have no one that would even care a moment later. no one would care if i died or not and a month later i would be forgotten..
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
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10:58 pm - time for an update..
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so im hoping everyone had a merry christmas, and is gonna have a great new year..
its been about 12 weeks since i used my blurty, which is saying a lot seeings as i used to use it daily and sometimes twice or three times daily.. and seeing as people dont read this thing anymore i can write as personal stuff in here as i like becasue (well no one reads it).. so really in the past 12 weeks i have been busy, i gained a job at Coles where i am working pretty much daily which is good money and it gives me something to do.
i got into the TABOR course for next year that i wanted to get into, so that means that i am going to be studying 'year in the son' next year.
i've been out into the city almost every weekend up until the 28th of November when i went to Shannanigans and to Charltons with a guy i met the previous week at Rise the night club, where we got talking about books and all the good stuff in life.. i thought he was an alright guy to be catching up with until that night i was raped later by him.. he was arrested and charged and his car was impounded by the police.he goes to court on the 7th of January where another court date will be set that i will have to attend. give more statements and evidence will be shown. so my last month has been full of giving statements, forensic testings and getting regular calls from the police.
On the same night as i met him i was down at schoolies where i went with mel and ginger.. we went to the crown where i met a lovely young bloke by the name of Anthony, who is an absolute sweety.. the night i was raped i called him and said i didnt want to be hooking up with him (cause the fucker was already trying stuff on me earlier in the night) then when i was raped i called him and the next day he came down to visit me and brought me flowers. hes been really supportive ever since..
that same night after being at schoolies i went to the hill top hoods after party where we hooked up with the hill tops, they left their after party to come and party with us.. we dropped them home and it was an over all good night..
yeah so thats really all i have been doing and what my life has been turning out like. now for the more deep and meaningful stuff..
it gets to that time of year when everyone starts worrying about next year and what it will hold for them, i know last year i began worrying too early and that is why i got myself into trouble with my relationships and school. but all that said and done i dont think it could have worked out any better, apart from all the shit that has gone on its been an alright year..
ive been thinking about next year and i began thinking of the friends i have and the ones i no longer really have.. i thought about it and i can honestly say that if i died any time in the next two weeks there would probably be about 10 people at my funeral. the thing is most of them dont even seem too happy with me for some unknown reason. maybe i live life too selfishly, maybe im just a bitch that shouldnt be living. who knows but all i can say is life really is just a game in which i have managed to lose pretty much every stage that has been thrown at me..
even though ive stopped cutting and stopped eating i just feel like i need some excape, every now and then i get the urge to cut but i dont know where i have put all my sharps..
hopefully next year will be a better year in which i can begin to get myself back on track and get myself some direction and meaning in life. but who knows, this time next year i will probably be sitting at the computer putting another blurty entry in saying all the same stuff all over again.
the thing that really gets me down is the fact that i have so few people in my life that i can acutally count on and those i can count on i dont like to becasue i dont want them to hurt. hence why i have had to be so strong through this whole rape thing, i havent cried and or cut since then and it hurts i need an escape.. my art was the one thing keeping me sane and i dont even have that anymore.
i just dont know what to say, i think ive gone crazy casue i am so withdrawn now.. i used to be the one saying people that i wanted to go out and spend days without sleep and now i just want to sleep all the time so that i dont have to face the reality that is my painful life.. and even now talking like this i sound like a selfish bitch.. everything always has to be about me and i guess thats why i just want to kill myself, do something for everyone else for a change.
self obsessed rant over and out for another entry..
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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9:05 pm
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For every moment of my life I have lived asking myself, why I am so different.. why was I not like the other kid's in the playground who always seemed to be having fun? Why was I the only one that wouldn't get changed in the change rooms with everyone else? Why did every little thing have an impact on my life?
As I've grown older an wiser the question of why still lingers in my mind. Why am I the only teenager that I know that isn't having sex, why am I afraid of sex? Why am I afraid of losing someone I care about? Why is it that I fear living more than I fear death? Its seemed to me that I'm not like the other people my age..
I have made some mistakes in my life, but nothing has been worse than promising myself something and then not following through with it.. I have become a total let down not only to my family, for being a high school drop out, being the naughty child at school, being the drug addicted teenager, not being the good Christian girl that I have always tried to be. But I have become a let down to myself, for not being all the things that I have wanted to be, for falling into the norm of teenage hood and for giving myself away when I said that I wouldn't.
This week has been a total downer for me, I thought that third time would be lucky and with my husband.. but as it seems I managed to have sex without even knowing it.. as weird as that sounds, so much for third time lucky..
So much for me ever amounting to anything at all...
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 27th, 2004
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9:19 pm - Joanne- I dont know
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You Got the news today
Said I was happy for you
So you got to go away
And do what you got to do
But in my mind I keep asking myself why
Why do I have to let you go
Why must i say goodbye
I'd be smiling on the outside
And wishing you well
But I'm dying on the inside
Its hurting me like hell
Don't know how to let you go
I just don't know
Chorus
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
Don't know if I'd get thru
Or if this pain will go away
don't know if I can breathe
Just don't know what to feel
Cos I don't know anything but you
Its time to say goodbye
I wished you would just walk away
If you touch me one more time
I'd breakdown and beg you to stay
Now I'm letting all my heart
is breaking up in two
And I close the door
And I turn around
I just want the best for you
I'd be smiling on the outside
And wishing you well
But I'm dying on the inside
It's hurting me like hell
I don't know how to let you go
I just don't know
REPEAT CHORUS
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to say
Will I get thru
When you go away
Don't know what to do
Living without you
I don't know anything
Anything but you
Don't know if I can breathe
Just don't know what to feel
Cos I don't know
Anything but you
Repeat Chorus X 3
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
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9:22 pm
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so someone sends you this message to tell you to go look for Korn's second album song 11, so you do.. and this is what you find.. then you realise that the person who sent it to you just wants sex and doesnt give a shit about you at all and you get all offended so what do you do? sms them back but then they say that they care and that they like you and that they respect your choice to not have sex.. then your all confused so what do you do? go and cry about it and wash it all away with your sorrow...
Oh I'm gonna see somehow it always seems
that I'm dreaming of something I could never be.
Doesn't matter to me 'cos I will always
be that pimp I see in all of my fantasies.
I don't know your fucking name.
So what let's...
Screaming at me the only way that I
can truly be free from my fucked up reality.
So I dream and stroke it harder 'cos
it's so fun to see my face staring back at me.
I don't know your fucking name.
So what let's fuck.
All day I dream about sex.
All day I dream about fucking.
All day I dream about fucking.
All day I dream about sex, yes,
All day I dream about sex and,
All day I dream about sex, yes,
All day I dream about sex.
All day I dream about sex.
All day I dream about fucking
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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