| stupid ramblings again |
[Sunday
September 21st, 2003 at 9:41pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Every single thought in my head sounds stupid. Everything I want to say is stupid. Everything I want to write is stupid. This is stupid. So I guess it'll have to stay this way. I'm so damn tired of being at a loss for words so I'll force them out. I'm forcing the words. It's so damn hard. All I want to do is write and this is what I get.
This is shit.
I guess I have to be sad to write. Thats when all of my best writing happened. When I was depressed. Now I'm happy and I have nothing to write about. I guess that says something. It says that all of my writings were all just one big complaint.
Great.
Things still sound stupid right now. My head is screaming at me right now. What the fuck are you writing? You're so stupid! You're so stupid! You can't even write what you want to. You can't write what you want without fucking complaining. And right now my mind and I aren't getting along. It won't give me the thoughts I want to write down.
Nothing's coming out right. This is stupid.
There you go again. Writing stupid things. Stupid fucking complaining.
Silence.
And there's still nothing there.
So now I'm thinking that I'll never be able to write again. And now I'm beginning to believe my mind. I'm so stupid. I can't even fucking write.
Damnit.
Now I'm thinking that I'm pretty pissed off at myself.
Maybe I'll write about that.
Or maybe about how I'm still so confused even though I'm happy.
Yes.
I'm happy. I really am. More happy than I've been in a really long time. But I'm still confused. I still search for meaning in almost everything and I still wonder things that I shouldn't be wondering and its my own damn fault anyway.
I think about things like what happens after I die, and what happened to when I used to write everyday, and I think about the past and I think I dwell on it way too much. I think of past experiences and I pray to god that they'll never ever happen again. Maybe they won't. Of course I'm just paranoid.
I'll lie awake at night and I'll play scenarios in my head of things that haven't even happened yet and probably never will because I'm that pathetic. I want to say stupid, but I want to keep my level of self-worth where it is. Everything is fine now but my head is still spinning.
Still spinning.
Sometimes I'm down and I don't know why and sometimes I want to cry for no reason at all and right now I'm sitting here wishing I was somewhere else. And I know exactly where I want to be.
Thank god for him. Thank god. Without him I'd be at the bottom, wallowing in self-pity. I'm so lucky I have him. I wish to be with him for a long time.
When I'm with him, all of my scars disapeer and I'm not reminded of anything horrible.
I'm so happy...but still confused.
I don't even know what I'm confused about anymore. All I know is that I wish I were in his arms so that everything could be right.
Right now everything feels weird. Not wrong....just weird.
Or maybe I just need a fucking nap...
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[Thursday
September 18th, 2003 at 7:29pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
So here I am..bored...I've updated two of my journals today. Blah. I've messed around with html alllll dayyyyy lonngggg.
It's ok though.
The hurricanes almost done I think and we haven't even lost power.
Yay. ^.^
Not much else to write. Today was uneventful.
End.
-Ashley
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[Wednesday
September 17th, 2003 at 7:45pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
Hee. New journal...again. I think I have 7 or 8 now. Woop woop. Yeah. I'm so cool.
Click hurrr
Also...hurricanes coming. I wish Devin was here with me right now. I just kinda want him to hold me is all. But thats ok. I'll live....i think. *smirk*
I'm pathettiiiccc. But thats ok.
Not much to say except that hurricanes SUCK and Ooh yeah ilovedevinokbye.
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[Thursday
September 11th, 2003 at 7:11pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
I found one of my old poems that I kinda like...so I changed some of the words and now I like it better.
It doesn't pretain to anything that's going on now of course...I wrote this last year when I was feeling sad and stuff...but yeah...I fixed it up. :)
I wanted you to catch me
everytime I fell
it just felt so right
it felt right, to be there with you
when everything else seemed wrong
and its my fault for not telling you
its my fault assuming
its my fault that I fell
my fault that you weren’t there to catch me
and now the memories come back at me
consuming me with regret and yearning
the memories hit me hard
harder than you’ll ever know
everytime I go back and think about it
it feels like being stabbed with remorse
I guess its because I’m weak
so you took a part of me with you?
well if I move on
I’m going to need that piece back..
because that’s the piece of me that loves
And I’m trying not to fall anymore
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| stole it. muahahaha. |
[Monday
September 8th, 2003 at 5:25pm] |
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mood |
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satisfied |
] |
( hey alyce guess what! )
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[Saturday
August 23rd, 2003 at 4:47pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
I HAVE A CAR!!! :D
Who cares that its a crappy horrible van that's 13 years old and sucks really bad.
IT'S MINE NOW!
WOOT!
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[Saturday
August 16th, 2003 at 1:00pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
] |
I'm such a copy cat. Bethany did this first but...just...here....take a look at the class ring I'm getting!
( RIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!! )
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| devindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevindevin |
[Sunday
August 10th, 2003 at 5:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
Blah. I haven't updated in a while.
^.^ I feel....really....happy.
And I feel happy because I make someone else happy.
It just makes me feel grand knowing that I'm making him happy. I'm so glad...he's very important to me...and I just want to do whatever it takes so that he's happy.
I feel great.
I can't stop thinking about him.
All I can do is smile...^.^
And you know...when I think about it...he makes me really happy too...^.^
...
Really really really happy.
*sigh* Life is just really good right now. I don't know how else to explain it.
Devin said he'd try to make it to my brithday thing. That's good. I'm so glad. I can't wait until my birthday. It'll feel good to be as old as the rest of my friends. I can't wait until the little get together thing. I haven't asked anyone to go yet except for Beth, Stepho, and Devin...I have to figure out who I want to be there. It'll be great though. ^.^
Hee...nothing but good things here..
I stayed at Beth and Stephanie's on friday and they came over here last night. Woot. That was fun. Looking up Band jokes and reading manga and eating and sleeping and laughing and complaining...good times.
Ook. I'm done now.
End.
-Ashley
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[Thursday
July 31st, 2003 at 6:23pm] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
] |
I'M HAPPY ECSTATIC.
See if you can guess why. *beams*
Go on. Guess. ^.^ I'm so happy. I'm gonna do a happy dance...Ooh wait...no I'm not.
Ermm. Forget the dance. I'll just sit here amd be happy. I' too tired for happy dances. n_n
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| Cut and Paste. |
[Wednesday
July 30th, 2003 at 10:33am] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
] |
I'm nervous...
Err...I really don't want to go back to Marching Band today. No matter how hard I try I feel like I am just stupid and I'll never get it. And I try to keep telling myself that I'm just being to hard on myself...but I'm still nervous about it.
Oy.
I ish stupid.
Hopefully today will be better. I need to work on my music now.
*sigh*
But yeah...thanks to everyone who is helping me out and supporting me...I'm sorry I'm still all nervous about it and stuff. I know I shouldn't be...but I am..
Ooh well. Music time.
-Ashley
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[Sunday
July 27th, 2003 at 8:16am] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
Blahhhhhhhhhhok..
I went to see Seabiscuit with Bethany and Stephanie yesterday. Pretty good movie. And after that I came home to an almost empty house. My grandmother and I left in a rush to get food.
She's gone again and I'm by myself. It's just me and the dog. Ooh boy.
My family's gone on vacation and I stayed here for Marching Band Camp.
-_- Ooh well. That's ok.
Last night I was on the phone with Devin and he told me that his mom still reads one of my journals.
This one in fact.
Lovely...
This is the one I rant in most of all so all of my entries are all "fuck this and fuck that and Oh my shit!!!" and stuff like that.
You see....I would apologize for cursing, but I hate lying to other people's parents. When someone is sorry for something, that means that they try not to do it again...and I am making no efforts to change my cursing habit.
So yeah. No apologies. No taking back stuff. Ooh well.
I feel crappy...no wait....I feel shitty.
Everytime I freaking EAT something I feel sick...so I'm doing an experiment. If I don't eat maybe my stomach won't hurt.
Yuup. Ook. I need a shower.
-Ashley
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| ohayo |
[Thursday
July 24th, 2003 at 3:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 okay |
] |
I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I'll ever get to see Marc again...
I barely ever get to talk to him...and I would call...but I know that he's asleep right now..
I went to go to bed last night around midnight and I got up to do something and in the hall I saw this flahs out of the corner of my eye. For some reason or another, I thought that there was someone in my house. I thought that my family was going to die. I thought that I was going to wake up tomorrow and no one would be there.
I was scared. I don't know why...but I was.
Like a little kid who's afraid of the dark...
But the worst part was that there was no one there to help me out or tell me that I was just being stupid or that everything was fine.
No one.
And I wished that someone would've been there.
I thought of 2 certain guys. But the one I thought of first...was Devin
It's so weird. I feel like he's one of the few people who always make me smile....and I wished that he was hear..
I began racking my brain for people I could call..
No one. Not even Marc...who is never home anyway...
But...I thought of Marc for awhile too...I thought of how we never talked and how I feel sad because I miss him coming over and being my friend and our phone conversations and stuff of that nature...
I ended up banging my fucking head on the wall because I was so confused.
So I sat there...crying and banging my head against the fucking wall trying to pull myself together.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I finally pulled myself together and fell asleep...
I realized that for some reason I was horrible a relationships...but that doesn't stop me from wanting to have someone there to just hold me and protect me and stuff of that nature.
I also relaized that I'm scared all the fucking time and I need to be kicked...
Either way....I just need a nap or something.
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[Monday
July 21st, 2003 at 5:44pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
I got some new clothes and stuff today..not necessairly for school...but I DID get jeans...so thats a plus..
I also got some stuff a bath and body works for stress and stuff. Finally got that Gardenia Lilly body splash I wanted.. ^.^
I also got this book while I was there. The Book of Calm. It showed me some yoga and exercise and breathing techniques... I tried them and I feel good. :D
I'm calm now. Very mellow. n_n
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[Sunday
July 13th, 2003 at 11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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in a large amount of pain |
] |
I want to be held.
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[Thursday
July 10th, 2003 at 2:17pm] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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I got my schedule in the mail.
1st Semester :
Period 1: Algebra 2 - Ms. Hood
Period 2: French 2 - Mr. Reed
Period 3: U.S History - Ms. Childress
Period 4: Marching Band - Mr. Copeland
2nd Semester :
Peroid 1: Horticulture 2 - Mrs. Bailey
Peroid 2: Honors Biology - Ms. Sanders
Peroid 3: Symphonic Wind Emsemble - Mr. Howard
Peroid 4: Honors English 3 - Mr. Ourt
DUDE! This happens every time! Freshman year I had 2nd lunch both semesters. Then last year I had 1st lunch both semesters NOW I have 2nd lunch BOTH semesters!
I HAD JUST GOTTEN USED TO 1ST LUNCH!
*mock anger*
I hope to GOD Bethany and I have the same lunches.
Ooh well....
And they didn't give me Honors US History...probably has something to do with Marching Band..
Blah blah blah blahok
-Ashley
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[Thursday
July 10th, 2003 at 1:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
Everything seems to be settling down again.
Marc is alright and I don't need to worry so much anymore.
I'm getting more sleep.
I don't have to do anything except lie around for days and days on end.
etc etc...
Everything seems to be alright...so I guess I can accept that.
Marching Band camp is soon...I found my self practicing going from Band to the Ready to Attention and reminding myself to snap on hit and not and.
I forgot how to do parade rest....
And I'm losing my sense of blance...so I keep falling off of my toes...
Bethany won't be back until the 12th.
That's two more days of me being stupid and not remembering stuff for marching band. Ooh well.
Nngh...there's nothing else to write about..
Pssst...I still go on neopets. All the time.
...
But only cause I'm bored.
-Ashley
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| wheeeeeeeeeoktheend |
[Tuesday
July 8th, 2003 at 5:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
I stayed the night at Alyce's last night.
She go a boyfriend. ^.^ YAY FOR ALYCE WHEEEE!
They're so cute together. :D
Blahh....vacation is going by wayyyyy toooooo sloooowwwww.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhok
-Ashley
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| stole this from alyce....why not.. |
[Thursday
July 3rd, 2003 at 11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
] |
Pick ANY 16 Blurty users on your friends list. Without revealing their names, say something about (or to) each one of them. Never reveal who is what.
( mmmhm.. )
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[Saturday
June 28th, 2003 at 4:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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scared |
] |
Shit.
This sucks.
I might actually have to go to the damn hospital. My grandmother says that I might have appendicitis or something when I told her about the pain in the right side of my abdomen.
Fuck. I am scared.
Really. Really. Really. Scared.
*whimper*
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[Wednesday
June 18th, 2003 at 1:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
Tiiired. Blahhhh.
I'm feeling a whole lot better now. I mean a WHOLE lot better.
Yup.
...um...that's it.
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