| Tuesday, August 15th, 2006 |
| 2:06 am |
still to be titled
A girl looked in the mirror
for the sixth time today.
Smiled at what she saw,
and did what she may.
A girl walked to town
to six different places today.
Took what she couldn't have
and continued on her way.
A girl sat in her house
with six (e)x's on paper today.
She kept the first one and cut the rest
in pieces, falling to the floor, in disarray.
A girl walked past a familiar
In six different places today.
She paid no attention or regard.
Not noticing the tears as she walked away. |
| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006 |
| 6:43 pm |
Puppetry (June 5th, 06)
For I am
A master manipulator
And I exploit
Your weakenesses
Be wary if you let down your guard
Because I will take the advantage
Just pray
That your will is stronger
Than my poison laced rhetoric
Or the sway of my hips
If you want to wake with the taste of regret
Nestled on your lips
Come talk to me for a while. |
| 6:39 pm |
Altered Truths (March 12th, 06)
A broken, battered body
Trying to be whole
A girl just trying
to live a life of opposites
An outgoing representation
that hides all the fucking dirt
Innocence that is perceived
But not truth at all
A selfish and self loathing heart
Trying to love others
A woman trying to find love
But cheapening it every day... |
| Wednesday, February 1st, 2006 |
| 9:00 pm |
vulnerable
angry words were written by pen
sad tears from my eyes were shed
hurt and pain from my heart
left through my mouth
I HATE YOU
i hate that you didn't understand
why my soul would scream something like that
its not that I had too many demands
you just wouldn't listen to the only one
I WANT you
but you weren't there, were you?
when I was shrouded in dark
not there when the hurts of this world
left their painful marks
I Need you
so I make myself open to you again
but it will be the last time
hurt me one more time, we're done
nothing will matter if you cross that line
i'm here |
| Tuesday, December 6th, 2005 |
| 5:29 am |
Whats in your hands? (March, at Lite London)
My child why do you hurt
Please let me remove the filth
That is blocking your heart under that shirt
Behold, I make all things new
My child, lift your gaze from the ground
Look me in my eyes, come to my arms
Listen to my promises, make not a sound
I will continue the good work in you
His blood has fallen for one and all
It knows no skill or wealth
I have chosen you, respond to the call
I sent my son Jesus
Do not be silent, share My love
Expect resistence, but people can't not listen
Give grace and thanks to above
You are the salt and light
Serve your brother but love yourself too
For one stems from teh other
The grace I have given you is true
Love your neighbour as yourself |
| Saturday, December 3rd, 2005 |
| 11:42 pm |
Hypocrite (Nov 3rd, 2005)
whisper not one word
my dear
shed not one
single tear
its all alright, its okay
no fear
what is done is past
just have another beer
we'll forget about it
when the morning comes
there is no need
to become undone
be prim, be proper
but not when you are
here with me |
| 11:40 pm |
Winter Solace (December 2nd, 2005)
Snowflakes make arcs
upon my skin, underneath
this heart, fragile like ice,
and just as cold
is not warmed by
any good, claimed or not.
Nights are long for this
wary mind, sunlight
hours, which bring joy,
are just not long enough.
These eyes, tired,
will soon be covered
by a blanket of white,
cold and simple ignorance.
Then this winter body wonderland
will be at peace.
Till the snow flakes
arc no more. |
| 11:37 pm |
Slipped (?? No idea)
i draw the blade near
i feel no fear
just one cut away
from things being okay
just one quick slice
the blood flows, my vice
collects and runs down my arm
leaving a trail of my self harm
euphoria passes, reality sinks in
i feel shame within from the sin
meticiously i clean up the evidence
pull down the sleeve so none take offence
the cut will be red, fade to pink to white
then gone, no reminder of the fight
of myself against my skin
of my mind and hurt within
with time the cut will heal
remain so, till next time i "deal" |
| 11:33 pm |
Eden Follies (January 26th)
my body is a canvas
though it was once blank
it has been scarred
both by my own hands
and by the tongues of others
though you look into my eyes
there is a light brightly shining
sometimes there is only a reflection
you see what you want to see
like the mirror of erisad
when i must i lie
not to be malicious
but to protect
its fucked i know, you don't know how much
this body once tender as babe
has been whipped into a life of callousness
by a life i could not prevent
i am human, but jaded by more
than Eden follies
i feel like i've been marked
by something else
soemthing that can not heal
that God Himself can not
enter into
i've had it open, maybe i'm not being sincere enough
does this make on a hypocrite?
its the same question always
can i be a representative of something
i do not believe i even have the right to bear
if i could deny Truth i wouldn't be here
better or worse, sometimes i really wonder |
| 11:33 pm |
Pain Highway (Sometime early fall 2005)
the ebb of life flows
within these weak veins
of mine
with each pulse that comes
strangled, from this heart
of stone, confined in
these prison gates
each pulse brings
another moment of hurt
shame and disgust
what can i do?
to save myself the torment
of my soul and mind
alter the path of life
that flows in these veins
of mine
intersect the pain and force
it out
where it shows its true colours
dark and red
a wolf in sheeps clothing
the hurt hides in the
blue rivers through my body
it does not belong
red is hurt
red is pain
red is truth
red is right |
| 11:31 pm |
Bright (February 7th, 2005)
what youth filled eyes she once had
with dreams of tomorrow floating in her head
now the dreams leave her sad
as she fears going to bed
little one, what happened to that glowing smile
the one to bright up the dark nights
i haven't seen it genuinely in awhile
now your face shows those lost fights
oh dear, why are things red again
why are you being chained to you past
you keep letting the pain pour down the drain
you can not look at my face with eyes down cast
my friend please don't fall
show some of that hope that once lived there
i know that it might be hard to recall
it doesn't just have to be your burden to bear |
| 11:28 pm |
Vices (October 26th, 2004)
snort a line to make you feel
to allow you to know pleasure
chug one back to feel apathy
to allow you to not care
take a toke to calm you
to allow you to be dissociated
stick it in your vein to bring euphoria
to allow you to live this reality
slice that vein to make you hurt
to bleed out the tears
take a pill to change you
to make the colors bright again
just fuck for false intimacy
to think you are loved
just sit and type to make people worry
to not allow yourself to change it |
| 11:27 pm |
Triggered (January 27th, 2004)
the feelings are
strong
the pain it
hurts
i feel all
alone
trapped inside my
mind
where the nightmares
live
i don't know
anymore
to fight, to
cut
stay strong, just
cry
my body is
shaking
sobbing, sighing, chest
heaving
the tears come
fast
i know the
answer
easy way to
deal
pull out the
blade
struggling with my
thoughts
everything is all
blurred
don't want to
bleed
decide to go
sleep
where the nightmares
begin
where scary things
live |
| 11:27 pm |
Play Devil's Advocate (March 22nd, 2004)
if i cry out will you hear me
when you come to my aid
will you be who i need you to be
or will you run away and be afraid?
if i pretend to be fine
will you see through my front
will you pull me back from over the line
will you be blunt
if i say i don't want to talk
will you believe me
or will you say "lets go for a walk"
will you put up with me to a degree
when i am sitting here crying
where are you?
when i feel like i am dying
what are you going to do?
but i can't blame you
you're not a mind reader, you shouldn't be
it'd be nice to not say i need to talk
but you can only help what you can see
its my burden to bear
because i refuse to share the load
its hard to see that people care
and i keep taking the harder road
but i am stumbling and getting weak
and i want to find a safe place
but have no words to speak
i just want someone to embrace |
| 11:25 pm |
Dearest Mother (March 30th, 2004)
how can you hurt me so much
how can you do it, and not think
you selfish bitch
you want me to call you mother
but why should i?
you have done nothing to deserve that title
you have been the cause of many sleepless and tearfilled nights
of heartbreaks and hurts
where were you when i was hurting?
and you want me there when youare?
time and time again
promises
get
broken
and
lies
get
told
you are an awesome story teller
because you have tricked me into
believing your lies so many times
i have every right to just forget you
to not care, and move on from here
cut off the contact and turn off the emotions
but i can't, damn internal instinct
from your womb i was born
but by your hand i have been hurt
by your tongue i have been discourasged
by your actions i have been let down
i can forgive you
but i don't forget
every
single
time
every word that comes from your mouth has
beenm soured before it has left
your lips
your words hold no genuinity to me
they are like pornography
false intimacy
you say you love me
but i bet you say that
to
every
guy
you
fuck
i don't know what goes on inside that fucked up head
or what love to you means
you have not shown me love
you have taught me to be bitter
and to hate
you have taught me to what it feels to want
you have taught me distrust
you have taught me to fight for myself
but i won't fuck everyone over in the process
like
you
have
but you are still here
and so in the mean time, i may think i don't care
but i know i do
because i accept the calls
and i open up the letters
i listen to you
even if you won't listen to me
sometimes i feel like there is a role reversal
and that i am the mother
i feel so disconnected
but connected all the same
and the tears that i cry
they are for you
and what you will never be |
| 11:23 pm |
Worthless (July 19th, 2004)
look into the mirror
what do you see?
worthless
useless
ugly
walk out into the world
what do people see?
loner
wannabe
reject
go to your family
what do they see?
failure
traitor
shame
go to camp
what does lisa see?
cutter
unstable
unsuitable
go to Christ
what does He see
I couldn't tell you |
| 11:23 pm |
Because I care (Sept 14, 2004)
in this razorblade field i stand
with my back to the world
i am vulnerable
but yet i venture forth
for i am not alone
i see him standing there
battle gear on
but i can see he is slipping
i am not here to rescue
but only to stand beside
for this is a fight
we will always lose
if we fight alone
united we stand, divided we fall
and with silent prayers lifted up
i embrace my brother
and we fight the fight together |
| 11:23 pm |
The ABC's of Tyndale (September 23rd, 2004)
a is for abbreviations, such as ish, pep and che
b is for bodner who knew me!
c is for concussions that befalled kitty
d is for dan and and the "royal we"
e is for everything that was blamed on us
f is for field ed which was pointless
g is for george, who did nothing at all
h is for hannah and the lion with hairy balls:P
i is for the internet that was wireless
j is for J and T, food at its best?
k is for the kat, and long hours spent there
l is for lauren, and the "you haven't gone to sleep!" she'd declare
m is for magic, mana and much fun
n is for nickname's which could not be undone
o is for oreo on my face
p is for pregnancy without first, second, or third base?
q is for the bridal college Quest for the ring
r is for ryan, the RA who only did one thing
s is for seamonkeys that were digested
t is for tyndale, "what the hell", we said
u is for unfounded accusations
v is for very simple pizza orders that had complications
w is for wong and sex ed with a twist
x is for eXams that were missed
y is for the year and its memories
z is for zat's all an ending that is cheese :p |
| 11:20 pm |
What I won't tell you (February 27th, 2004)
i won't tell you that i am hurting
lift up shirt
see what lays beneath
the scars
a heart still beating
still caring
{but i stay hidden}
look into my eyes
full of sorrow
telling a story of horror
such innocence lost
this 'life experience' comes at a cost
{but my eyes are glazed}
look at my hands
quivering and shaking
trying hard to grasp
onto the last shreds of sanity
flailing
{but i am slipping)
i won't tell you that i am hurting
{ask me once}
no one seems sincere anymore
{ask me twice}
i want to talk but have no answers to share
{ask me once again}
showing me that you care
{ask me once more}
sit with me in the silence |
| 11:19 pm |
Those who keep her down (Feb 8th, 2004)
the little girl
sits upon the floor
gazing up at
those who keep her down
she looks around
and sees the
things she wants to be
accepted and wanted
encouraged and included
and she looks
at herself and sees
the things that she is
dependent and burdensome
lonely and sad
her whole life
has been a sham
and as she sits and reflects
she does not know who she is
she can not seperate
the fancy from the reality
the want from the is
the uniqueness from the world
all she sees
is those who keep her down
and she lets them |