Sirius Black's Blurty

Hello again world
I am awake now. Alone and in a bed. I am not in ~~Severus'~~ our bed. I am in the bed in "My Room". The room given to me by Severus should I ever need "space". I ache all over, and certain parts of me are in excrutiating pain. My neck. I remember what he did to me, and I have flashes of what I did to him. He's gone of course, back to Hogwarts for the week, I won't see him until Friday Night, if at all this comiing weekend.

It's Tuesday, I slept through Sunday and Monday apparently, and only vaguely recall waking up partially to be taken to the lav by someone.... House elves most likely. I can't move much on my own. It bit me, he made it bite me, or it was defending him, I don't know. In any case, it poisoned me. It has killed once before; Victor Maxwell, and nearly did in Voldemort with it's tiny fatal bite. He wanted to kill me. I saw it in his eyes. I am not sure why. Possession, ownership. It has something to do with that I feel. Territory, and the marking of.

He certainly did the marking well enough. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror this morning as I was moved for a sponge bath and a change of sheets. My neck is ringed with black and purple bruises shaped like the long, and deceptively strong fingers of Severus Snape. Near the front of my throat is an even uglier mark, a greenish brown bruise, circular and surrounding two white infected spots from a tiny vipers bite.

My arms shake when I use them to write this, or to lift myself up, I can't move anything below my waist. I wonder how much of this is permanent.

I thought I was going to die. I think in that moment, he wanted me to. So what stopped him? I will never know I have a feeling. I can only vaugely remember what he was feeling, what I was feeling. As for now, I don't know how to feel. We both were provoked, we both provoked each other. The common thread is Remus.

I want to find who is at fault, whether it is me or him, I just want to know. Why? Closure and analysis I suppose. From what I can recall, it went something like this: He started provoking me during and after dinner. I took a shot at him verbally, then went to bed. He came in later, pissed off, and woke me, we snarked back and forth, then he grabbed me and bound my hands. I am convinced it was going to be "The boy, the desk, and the Potions Master" all over again.

I told him I was not in the mood and he pursued until I shifted. He threw me to the floor, then I tried to get loose, then some how I was on the bed again, he was staring at me, and we were yelling at each other in our minds and then I snapped and attacked him. Then he retaliated and used the Ouroboros against me. I was being choked, by him, the Ouroboros, then it bit me, and he held onto my throat until I passed out. I again wonder what kept him from killing me. Love? Selfish ownership of a Possession? I don't know. I still love him, but God, I fear him now.

Should I send him an owl? What would I say? What I would say would most likely be more appropriate said face to face. I can't convince myself we will never speak again. If he wanted me dead, or truly gone. I would be. Should I use the Ouroboros? I am not sure it would allow me or if I have the right. It was a gift after all.

Damn elves. They won't bring me any wine or mead. Nothing alchoholic. Instructions from the Master I am sure. I recall the insult he said to me that set me off. That I smelled distastful. I don't know. He knows now I am sure how much I am drinking, or at least the Clue Light has finally gone on with him. I wonder how that will change things. I suppose I should concern myself with learning how mobile I will be again first. The sign of the true addict, worrying most about HOW you are getting your next fix above all.

The shaking in my hands may be from the alchohol withdrawl, I have heard the first 48 hours are the worst, and thanks to being poisoned and comatose for two days, I seem to have missed most of that torment. I am not so sure that was a good thing. Painless, or relatively painless detox.

What will I say to him when he returns? Will I say anything? Will he say anything? I know what I want him to say, but I am trying not to hold out for that. He can speak three languages fluently and a physical one as well, but as for "I'm Sorry." he never learned those words in any dialect.

Current Mood: lonely