This may seem a bit ranty and self-deprecating for a public journal and usually I save this sort of angstiness for my very secret journal, but tonight I am beyond caring. Besides, I’m sure you guys wanted an update on my life. In short, I’m an idiot. I let myself get attached to people who could never love me. Why do I even bother any more? I’ve deduced that I am not even a little bit attractive. I went out with my super cute friend from my old job, and there were just all of these guys swarming around her. Not one bit of attention for me. Am I so hideous? I have no idea. I wish that someone would have told me. I would rather have the truth then all the lies and illusions that I’ve created to placate and cocoon myself. I guess I just can’t see myself through the eyes for the opposite sex, or hell, the rest of the world. I know that there are some of you who would argue with my assessment of me, but you are my friends and that is what I pay you for.
I thought I was special or at the very least had some special characteristics that could attract someone. God! Anyone for that matter. But special and or awesome people don’t spend their lives alone. Why doesn’t anyone see me? Why can’t anyone love me?
Okay so this rant was brought on by more than a might of pool. There is of course a guy in the mix (or rather not in the mix thus causing this dilemma). I’ve made am monumental mistake with someone from my past. Not really life altering (like some people BAD JEN!) but definitely a bit mind altering. I’ve had to reevaluate myself again and I really hate to do that. Because I always end up lacking. So back tot eh issues. I thought I had the situation under control, but I was wrong. I used him and got over him… and then he called me saying that he wanted to see me again. I’ve seen him once since and only for a brief time. Phone calls have gone back and forth between us. Sometimes long and deep, others short and leaving me wondering why the hell did I call him. I do that a lot. I’m an idiot but we already established that. In my idiocy I was fool enough to believe that this sudden attention might mean that he had finally grown up enough and could finally see me. Not as in the dating kind of seeing, just the visual. Even in that I as wrong. If only he could have done that. Seen me, let me have and be a distraction. It would have been enough. It would still be enough. Because that would at least give me a few hours where I wouldn’t have to be alone and think all these depressing thoughts and relive my failures over and over again inside my head. All I wanted and still do want for this moment in time is someone to distract me, use me, make me feel again, yes… let me use him… but ummm… no. I don’t even get that. I failed. More importantly, he’s failed me. I’m so tired of being on the back burner. I wish someone would put me first once in a while. But what can I do when I have no other options? When I have no one else who wants, not even part time as he pretends to? Am I truly so undesirable?
My life sucks. Correction, my sisters life sucks. But as she is in my life my life sucks too. Who is this sister some might ask? My parents took her in when her life went to hell. She was dating this asshole, virgin that she trained all by herself. So one day they start fighting. They have domestic charges against one another. And of course they break up. He doesn't get it. Dumbass. So he stalks her. Demands all his stuff back. she tries to give it to him after days of incessant calling. She opens the door to give it to hiim he shoves the box in her face and tries to come inside. We slam the door on him. He runs out to the driveway and chucks potted plants at the door,a long with a variety of whatever else he can get his hands on. Big mess. Shay freaks out and we clean up before mom gets home. She terrified that mom will kick her out. Cops are called, order of protection is issued. The calls continue... he comes in the house thru the basement and attempts to kidnap her at knifepoint. As soon as she can breathe she screams for mom and he runs off. New FOP is issued. He gets arrested. FINALLY. So two days ago he gets released from prision and calls to let her know. She tells him to fuck himself. So tonight around 10:30 he comes to window. Tap tap tap. "MOM!! Johns at my window!" she runs into the living room. Mom yells "Get the hell off my property!" He comes to the door and rings the doorbell. Mom tells him about the new FOP and he freaks out. Chucks rocks at Shay's window, glass breaking. Cops are called, I yell for Shay to get the hell away from the window. (She's in the bathroom). Cops come and reports are filed (AGAIN) and they are out looking for him. Shay hit on the cop taking the report. A lot! So now I am in her room with a broken window. Scared. Upset. Scared.
To top it all off Kelly is at the hospital cause they have to induce labor on little Ian. Hope she will be okay. This world sucks.
Well as I am sure that everyone is aware at this point, I am at home. Ahh home, full of one drama after another. My sister has managed to get kidnapped and beaten, my house has been broken into.. I've been to countless job interviews, none which I actually want, and as of today I have been sucked back into the world of Bob Evan's. I got hired today and I will begin work at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon. My brother is still stealing my clothes, my mother is still insane, and my dad? well he's hanging in there. My aunt has been hospitalized quite a few times since I have come home, my Grandmother is dealing much better than most people would. Sarah turned six, my nephew is 13 months old and so much fun. Still haven't managed to get laid. Sigh. Work in progress?
Well, I am painting my nails, so I am done here. Just thought I would drop in and give na update. Such as it is, welcome to my world.
Your Personality Type:
The Idealist
Opening the world to new possibilities
* As an Idealist, your mission in life is to make the world a better place. You care about big ideas and big issues, but you're also dedicated to the lives of the people around you.
* In many ways, you're the ideal friend or co-worker. You have great empathy skills. You give sound advice, but more importantly, you know when to just listen. At work, you're a natural facilitator, motivator, and energizer. You have a gift for promoting harmony and cooperation at work. In fact, few things bother you more than conflicts at work.
* Your hopes and dreams are very important to you, so you take other people's dreams seriously, too. Your friends and family know they can come to you for a booster shot of support and optimism, whether it's for pursuing their dream job or dream man or woman.
* Most people have goals and dreams, but you're more likely than most to actually achieve them. You have a clear idea of what you want in life. You anticipate and plan around obstacles, and you're a sharp problem solver. Plus, it's pretty darn hard to discourage you.
* Idealists come in many varieties, from the academic to the pragmatic. You stand soundly in the middle. Only you know what you'll do with your gifts. Ultimately, whether you touch the world, your community, or simply your closest friends and family?it's Idealists like you that give us all the inspiration to dream and strive for something more. Agree?
What Sets You Apart?
* You enjoy spending time one-on-one with someone or being with a small group of close friends. Crowds drain your energy, while time spent alone or relaxing with a friend revitalizes you. Agree?
* You're a visionary thinker who can imagine the future and plot out a strategy for getting there. Agree?
* You're overly modest at times and tend to sell yourself short. Agree?
* You like to be affectionate and to be reminded that someone really loves you.
Your Love Style:
Passionate
You have the freedom to love intensely and completely?focusing only on the here and now.
* Passionates have a great capacity to love. In fact, you may have several "great loves" in your lifetime. When you connect with someone it's immediate, intense, and on multiple levels? mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. You realize that sometimes love can be brief and other times lifelong. So, you try to enjoy love, avoid the urge to control it, and just see where it takes you.
* Physical chemistry is a key part of the initial spark for you. Although people love to talk about sex, the truth is that most people are afraid of their "wild" side. You aren't. You trust your instincts and know exactly who you find attractive and what turns you on. No matter how nice a man may be, if there's no passion in your first kiss, it's probably not going to work out.
* Your approach to love can change over time. Physical passion may become less crucial and commitment may become more important. However, for now your "style" of loving has these common features:
* You're looking for a very close, intimate relationship. You want to share the most important aspects of your life with him and not feel like you have to hold things back. This means knowing about each other's pasts, at least about what could impact your relationship. Most importantly, though, you should be very open and honest about your life now. If you love him, you'll want to know about his hopes and dreams and try to help make them come true.
* You're most likely to fall in love with a man who's independent by nature. He won't expect to merge his life with yours. Keeping separate friends, for example, will just give you more to talk about when you're together.
* A good sexual connection is also important, but intense sexual passion tends to wane over time. Eventually, affection and companionship are as (if not more) important as good sex.
* True love requires total commitment. Love can grow only in the safety and security that monogamous commitment provides. Relatively early in dating, both partners should know and talk openly about whether the relationship has lasting potential
Your Biggest Challenge Is:
How can you promote harmony and still allow healthy conflict?
* Idealists go out of their way to promote harmony at work, in their families, and among their friends. You're a natural peacemaker and take it upon yourself to mediate disputes. And whenever possible, you try to prevent them. On more than one occasion, you've probably asked: "Why can't we all just get along?!"
* Yet conflict doesn't have to be destructive?there is such a thing as healthy conflict. Even heated exchanges can be useful as long as both of you play fair.
* Part of your challenge is learning to tolerate uncertainty and being disliked. As a creative person, you know that some of your best ideas come after long periods of frustration and feeling "blocked." You may find also that some of your relationships are equally blocked and require "creative conflict" to move forward.
* Asking an Idealist and peacemaker to have more conflicts is admittedly ambitious. Still, one of your strengths is that you're always open to new ideas and trying new things. In that spirit, here are some other possible challenges to consider:
o It's easy for you to escape into your own inner world. At times it can be easier to ignore real world problems and slip into your daydreams. You may find balance by using your fantasy life to imagine ways around your real world obstacles. Perhaps your mind is showing you a path out of your troubles if you can read the symbols. Agree?
o Getting close to other people is difficult. People are wary about letting others into their lives. You're especially sensitive to the walls people put up around themselves. You worry that they don't really love you or that they will leave you. The key is taking relationships slowly and trying to sort out when your worries are grounded and when you're simply assuming the worst. Agree?
o You're easily embarrassed in public. At social events, it probably feels like a big spotlight is pointing down at you and everyone is watching. The key is realizing that this perception is not a reality. Most of the time, no one is watching, and no one cares what you say or do. You have to consciously remind yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of and focus on the positive reactions you receive from other people
It hurts. Right here. In my heart, my soul. Everything aches and I'm not sure what I am doing anymore. I am a failure in my chosen field. I just got advisory grades in all of the courses I need to become a doctor. I'm a failure and there is nothing I can do about it. I just don't understand it. I thought I was so smart. But now I'm just tired. Tired and hurting. The pain is great, but the depression is thicker. More consuming. Will I ever be able to crawl out of this? Will I ever be better than this? Is going home admitting defeat? I miss home so much. I miss the ones who loved me. I miss the children whose lives I should be influencing. Should I transfer? Should I even finish this semester? I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't want to be a doctor anymore. I just want to be a therapist. That was all I ever wanted. But if I can't help me, how can I possibly save anyone else? And won't all of them be ashamed of me for changing my mind. For not being a doctor? For not being good enough?
On the path here I must have done something wrong. Turned down a road I had no business being on. And in the process I lost me. I got so lost. I'm not even sure that I will ever find me again. I don't like who it is that I've become. I'm so mean and cruel, sarcastic and vindictive. Is this who I have to be to survive in this world? If so, I don't think that I want to live here. Everything is scary and hard, cold and pointless. What can I possibly do to make this a better world? One that I can live in and still respect myself? The loneliness eats away at me like cancer of the soul. Am I going to spend forever alone? Maybe I lost my chance. Maybe my true love has already passed me by. Maybe I'm being punished for the person that I have become. Being tortured by images of happy couples and flowery romance. Maybe it isn't even real. Maybe is exists only in the imagination of man-kind. No one I know has that kind of love that I dream about. Have I been chasing rainbows all this time? If love like that doesn't exist then why do i? why do I hope and dream? Why do I wish and want? I'd love some answers, but for now, I guess I'll just scream.
Is it so incredibly selfish to want a better life? Just because I had to move away to accomplish my goals I am not being guilted by my own flesh and blood. I’m sorry that I am not around to watch my nephew grow up. It makes me sad. I’m sorry I am not around as my cat is aging without me. I’m sorry that I have left my friends behind. Okay? I’m sorry, but I will die here. I will suffocate in this world. I will never be able to become me. And seeing as how I have to live with me for the rest of my life, I am thinking that I am pretty damn important to myself. Why can’t he see that? I’m sorry that I don’t feel like driving home for a few days to eat dinner for Thanksgiving. I come home for Christmas, isn’t that enough? I don’t belong here this isn’t my world. My world is elsewhere, that some place else that I can become everything I was meant to be. I don’t want to die here and if I stay I will. He doesn’t see that. All he sees is that my absence “pains my parents”. That I am “being selfish”. It’s my goddamned life and no one elses. He speaks that Christ is his crutch, the only way out for him, the only way he can survive to be a better person. Well, knowledge is my crutch. I have to have it. There is nothing more in this place for me to learn. But no one sees that. No one but me and those who have put me on this path to find my life. My friends I have left behind understand why I have left, and they don’t guilt me for it. I assume they are saddened by my absence, but they don’t hang it over my head, and they don’t make me cry. I miss them when I am gone, but they are always in my hearts, more so because they believe and support me. Maybe I am a selfish bitch for that, but it’s my choice.
I'm waiting for him. The one who takes my breath away with a single glance. The one that makes me believe in happily ever after again. He takes my hands in his without me having to ask. The one who holds me when I need him to. He writes me poetry and sings to me. He loves to walk on a moonlit beach with me, hand in hand. He puts up with my temperament and mood swings. He even thinks that they are *gasp* adorable. He loves me above all others. He inspires me, supports me and adores me.
He's someone that I can have a food fight with. Someone to read my work and listen when I talk. He's honest and open. He's someone who likes going out and being seen with me. Someone who sees the romance in a picnic on the living room floor. He loves to swim especially late at night. He wants kids and a whole lot of cats. He's fun, creative, imaginative and insatiable. He loves to read and write. He's kind and patient. He has goals and shows initiative. He's protective yet doesn't suffocate. He's territorial but never insanely jealous. He knows I belong to him and him to me. His faults are endearing and rarely annoying. I make him happy. He's never unfaithful. He never asks me to bring a friend to bed with us. We are enough for each other. We are each others everything. I adore him above all others. He never breaks my heart and only makes me cry happy tears. He's there when my heart does break and knows just what to say. He is my rock and I his. He never hits me. We hold an incredible attraction and fascination with each other. We can talk about anything. He is never condescending. He finds my faults, foibles, and other bad traits adorable and uniquely me. He will probably become exasperated with me but he will never give up on us. We will last forever and we will complete each other. He's a great kisser and an attentive lover. He's great with his hands, artistic on some level and he gives great back massages. He doesn't take me for granted, nor I him.
DOES THIS MAN EXIST?
Maybe he doesn't exist. But just maybe he does. I mean, I exist, why shouldn't he? The maybe sustains me and my search goes on.
I want it. I want what the poets write about, what the singers sing about. I want it. All of it. A love comparable to no one and nothing else. A love to make the gods themselves stop and sigh. I want him. I want a home, children, and of course a satisfying career. All tied up together in a nice happily ever after. Is it asking so much? Is asking for it selfish? Maybe it is and maybe its wrong, but knowing that doesn't make me want it any less. I am aware that in this as in all things I must have patience, but knowing does not make the wait pass any faster and it doesn't make it any easier. The life I have lived up until now had been vapid, vacant, and superficial. And those were the good parts. I have hope that I can change. I want to be a better person. And I do want to be a better person, for myself, for my soul mate, for my children, and for the world in general. The world has enough bad, mean, selfish people in it. And I don't want to be one of them.
On August 19th, I will be 23 years old. My third year in college. My third year on my path to becoming a doctor. I have goals, and hope, and a bright future. I wish he could be by my side to share it with me.
Nothing really to update. Life is full of work and sleep. Some eye candy here and there.... wish I had more to say. April and I did the park thing already, we're actually kinda bored with it. Getting into the new work environment. But each day is eerily like the one before. blah.
Well i have been home for a week now and I really just want to stab myself in the eye. My mother is driving me crazy. I'm fed up with the way she treats my dad. I can't believe that he puts up with it. It's incredibly frustrating. I just hope that one day he wises up. He's a good man.
So in my life, I got a new phone, I've played iwth my cat, gotten scratched up by the puppy... sigh. I've packed though. I am excited about the plane trip. To be honest, I'm worried about cedar point. if i can pull it off... i just worry that i will get overwhelmed and blow it. but there is only one way to find out.
Jen-- i hope you are doing better
Rei-- you should send us your phone number and room number
Jill-- hope you made it there okay
anyone else-- hi :)
Did God Create Lawns?
A conversation between God and St. Francis.
God: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
God: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
St. Francis: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
God: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a funny movie about foolish people ...
God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
The Zodiac Match Test
Invite your friends!
Email Addresses:
Jenna, the best Zodiac Match for your personality is Leo
Leo, the Lion (July 23 to August 22): This generous and faithful partner is just your type. Initially, a Leo may catch your eye with their outgoing ways and flamboyant personal presence. But as you get to know them, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Leo's strength and loyalty. Be aware, people born under this sign are known for seeking pleasure at every turn. Typically, they aren't afraid to take risks to get what they want. This can-do, forceful nature can make Leos seem a bit domineering at times. However, a Leo partner will also usually be very willing to work through any problems that arise between the two of you. In the bedroom, you'll likely find the Lion to be a romantic lover with an ample sex drive. This is just another aspect of their love for life, attention, and fun.
Although Leo is your strongest Zodiac Match, your responses indicate there are a number of other astrological signs that you're highly compatible with.
or
Capricorn, the Goat (December 22 to January 20): This ambitious and practical partner is just your type. Initially, a Capricorn may catch your eye because of their self-confident ways and down-to-earth personality. But as you get to know them better, you're likely to be even more drawn to your Capricorn's grand aspirations and the persistent dedication they show to things they believe in. People born under this sign are often excellent with money and can be natural managers. Be aware, though, that Capricorns' task-oriented natures can make them a bit short with others from time to time. However, for the most part they are diplomatic and tactful when communicating their perspectives about your relationship. In the bedroom, you'll likely find the Goat is both flirtatious and lusty; most Capricorns have a hardy sex drive. Overall, Capricorns are focused, driven people who are willing to work steadily toward their life's goals.
1. An immediate spark. If it isn't there to begin with, don't force it, it's not real.
2. Can make me laugh. I do so hate to be bored.
3. Makes time for me when I need him, but takes time to live his own life. Suffocation is a crappy way to die.
4. He calls when he says he will and shows up when he says he will be there.
5. Adores me, makes me the center of his world.
6. He must be faithful. No exceptions.
7. Realizes that I have faults and does his best to work with them.
- Realizes that my sarcastic sense of humor is not a personal attack on him.
- Understands that I need attention and reassurance at times.
- Purchases me a punching bag so that I can control my aggression
8. Must have stamina. I require the bunny inside.
9. Loves cats.
10. Does not have to be of the same religion, however, does not try to convert me to his. Same religion is a plus, but I am open-minded to all paths.
You are e
Of all the irrational numbers, you are the most intense. By nature you are powerful, although sometimes you can spiral out of control. You are good with money; the interest seems to just compound whenever you are near. When someone uses the word "exponential" they are probably talking about you.
In some ways you and f are a nearly perfect match. Not to mention how attractive f is. But then, there is the remarkable p...
Your lucky number is approximately 2.71828183
http://www.shinylemur.com/irrational_quiz.html
 | Let's Call You a Silver DiggerYou don't weigh a man's appeal only on his income But you've never been known to turn down a free dinner Does this make you sleezy? Not at all! Just make sure not to miss out on your dream guy... Income brackets can change :-) |
| Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | ||
| Category | Your Score | Average |
| Self-Lovin' | 73.3% Explored the pleasures of the flesh | 65% |
| Shamelessness | 61.9% It takes a couple of drinks | 79.4% |
| Sex Drive | 60.5% A fool for love, but not always | 77.7% |
| Straightness | 14.3% Knows the other body type like a map | 44.8% |
| Gayness | 12.5% Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame | 83.6% |
| Fucking Sick | 79.6% Refreshingly normal | 89.9% |
| You are 51.41% pure Average Score: 72.7% | ||
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