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[19 Jun 2008|05:36pm] On my fourteenth birthday, my sister Bridget gave me my first journal. It was blue with stars and moons and zodiac signs on it. In its pages I cataloged my highs and lows: boyfriends, bulimia, girlfriends, self-mutilation, school, rape; my life in general. As my mind began losing memory due to a mental illness, keeping a journal filled with the nothings and everythings of my life helped me to remember. Two journals after my first, I was seventeen and about to commit suicide. I took my three journals and burned them before I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. While in the psych ward, I found that I was going more crazy, not getting better. I swiped an ink pen from the nurses station and wrote my thoughts and feelings on paper towels from the bathroom. I learned that journaling, that writing it all down was a saving grace: it helped me stay alive. After I returned home from the hospital, my mother began going through my things, reading my letters and poetry and bits of paper (journal entries?). I soon found myself keeping my journal online at LiveJournal under the user name danikus (which was deleted in late-2002). After graduating high school, I took residence in Port Huron, Michigan, and in November 2002 I created POLAR at Blurty. POLAR became the home of everything that was happening in my life, much like the paper journals of my youth. I kept my home at Blurty because it was a small and quiet journaling community, unlike LiveJournal that seemed crowded and loud. As time went on, however, the friends I had at Blurty moved to LiveJournal, and I soon found myself alone. In June 2008 I moved back to LiveJournal to be closer to friends and to participate in populated communities of interest, and to make my journal more interactive (i.e., YouTube movies). POLAR is currently a PDF file safe and sound in a file in the oblivion that is the Internet. It will always be a precious collection of my life, and as I cleared out my Blurty account, a certain sadness came over me. It's not just deleting a tired webpage, it's the death of my old life. journal now located at: too sick to pray post comment

[03 Jun 2008|07:45am] - An estimated 1.2 million Tibetans have been killed by the Chinese. - Tibet's religious leader, the Dalai Lama, was forced into exile in 1959. - Tibetans are considered second-class citizens in their own country. - Tibetans cannot search online for phrases like "Tiananmen Square" or "human rights." - It is illegal to own a Tibetan flag in Tibet. - The End of Tibet by Joshua Kurlantzick, Rolling Stone Magazine - Free Tibet - Students for a Free Tibet - International Campaign for Tibet - Amnesty International May those frightened cease to be afraid, and may those bound be free. May the powerless find power, and may people think of befriending one another. -- from a Buddhist prayer for freedom post comment

[02 Jun 2008|06:05pm] Me: His music makes me want to wear white flowing dresses, smoke pot, and fall in love. Irfan: and when you write like that it makes me feel like melting into you and becoming your words. Me: I haven't written anything in about two years ... nothing real, anyway. My words have died, and are marked by no stone to bring flowers. 1 comment|post comment

[30 May 2008|04:52pm] The planets are aligned just right. The vibe is perfect. Or hell, maybe it's the static from the line of thunderstorms coming through, or maybe it's the beer in my empty belly, but everything feels so right currently ... And so, I put them all on and played them loud. Oh yes, dear, this is what my good mood sounds like (even the sad songs). Tune: Radiohead, "House of Cards" Mood: Vibe 3 comments|post comment

[30 May 2008|03:50pm] Don't make me break my foot off in yo' ass! I could never tire of this line. post comment

[28 May 2008|09:42pm] I posted this movie that I made on my You Tube page: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvls0BiFqCc It's from the storm that came through Sunday night. An EF-5 tornado touched down in Parkersburg, killing 7 people and destroying 350 homes. We just had massive heavy rain. post comment

[27 May 2008|01:28pm] Hmm ... you think? What Lindsey Means You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited ... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy-going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning? post comment

[26 May 2008|01:07am] At the beginning of the year, I posted my goals for 2008, one of them being "read (and finish reading!) five books." I have started six books this year, and have only finished one: Michael Cunningham's The Hours. I am so pathetic. 2 comments|post comment

[25 May 2008|09:38pm] Memorare Remember, O Most Gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to Thy protection, implored Thy help or sought Thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto Thee, O Virgin of Virgins, my Mother; to Thee do I come, before thee I kneel, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in Thy clemency, hear and answer me. Amen. post comment

[21 May 2008|10:10pm] "I had to jerk off twice this morning just to get my heart started." Hmm ... I can relate. It's been this long since I quite smoking: post comment

[13 May 2008|11:44am] On Thursday, Bobbi, Missy, Bridget and I all went to the Picture People and had our picture taken as a Mother's Day gift for Margaret. She loved it, and cried. (This is not the photo we gave Margaret, but the one us girls liked and got copies of.) 8 comments|post comment

[26 Apr 2008|11:59pm] If I wore lipstick, it'd be smeared across my face. I have consumed an entire bottle of wine while listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace album. The only thing missing tonight is a suicide attempt. (This is sarcasim.) 2 comments|post comment

[25 Apr 2008|10:07pm] I'm still alive ... I have several things to say, but no voice to say them in. *runs away* post comment

[24 Mar 2008|08:04pm] I listened to all my old sad songs tonight, the songs I used to listen to while crying, pulling my hair, cutting my arms. They don't have the same effect; they don't invoke the same hysteria: though part of me wants them to. There's a little part of me that wants to sulk on the bathroom floor, cutting my arms, tears running down my cheeks, my hair askew ... Am I happy now? Is that what this is? Is that why these songs don't cause me to curl up in a ball and cry? I go through life as though I were the Lady of Shallot, just riding the current, waiting for death. -- This dull fucking ache, this emptiness is happiness? I don't want to feel empty; I want to feel alive. At least when I was depressed, so close to suicide, I felt something; when I was cutting my skin, I felt alive ... Tune: Puscifer, "Momma Sed" Mood: Uninspired post comment

[10 Mar 2008|02:04pm] I'm eager for it: to starve for as long as I can. It's not a weight issue, it's a control issue. To see if I can do it, to see how long I can go until I passout ... or feel full. I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. -- William E. Henley 1 comment|post comment

[07 Mar 2008|06:33pm] Running around frantic and stressed will wear one down, that's for sure. I have been absent from work for the last four days, and am off for the next two: six days away from a place that stresses me out will be good, very good. (And thank god for paid time off.) I am afflicted with the common cold. Nothing can be done except down-time, which I've been doing, if I could just keep Ros off my back for a moment or two. I blow my nose and sleep away the hours, and though I'm in misery with this malady, I am also relaxed for the first time in a long time. post comment

[03 Mar 2008|04:54pm] I've been quiet, almost dead. No Internet signal in the area, and work has become busy, stressful. I'm seriously thinking about finding a new job, but the economy is so bad currently, I need to just sit tight for a while. Dinner at Missy's tomorrow, I may file my FAFSA online while there. I have to, must. I have to get back into school; it's not just a goal, it's a desire, a hunger. I don't want a job for the rest of my life, I want a career, and I finally have a clear idea of what that is: psychologist, with a strong focus on addictions and self-inflicted pain (self-mutilation). The facts need to come from the horses mouth, and I want the responsibility. Tune: Timbaland, "Scream" Mood: Tired post comment

[16 Feb 2008|09:21am] Change of plans last night. Ken called and we went to the strip club for four hours and 12 beers. It was a tasty treat. post comment

[15 Feb 2008|06:14pm] I stayed an extra hour and half at work today; 9.5 hours total. It wasn't that we were overly busy, it's just I need the money and I had left early on my birthday. I bought a pack of cigarettes, and was disgusted with myself upon taking the first drag. But oh how sweet it tasted ... in some sick way. Upon coming home, I poured a glass of wine and put Sia in the stereo. Deciding I wanted to shut the world out, I put my headphones on. And it's enough. Tune: Sia, "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine" Mood: Sedate PS:I bought oil pastels ... I may make something pretty. post comment

[13 Feb 2008|07:19pm] Staind, "Excess Bagage" Well, I know the words, but I can't really speak them to you And I hide all the pain, that I've gained with my wisdom, from you And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside All the things that I live with I can't easily hide And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for but you It's not easy to hide all this damage inside And I'll carry it with me until I'm not alive When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly to you And I can't seem to erase all the scars I have lived with from you I'm so sick of this place and this taste in my mouth 'Cause of you I can't figure what I'm all about And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for but you It's not easy to hide all this damage inside I'll carry it with me 'til I'm not alive Easily one of thee most influential songs that has ever graced my life ... I was listening to it tonight, really listening to it, humming and singing the words, taking it in ... I used to listen to it during my teen years as a means of surviving my home life. Now I listen to it for an entirely different reason ... Music is so important. It's the reason I'm still here. post comment

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