Date:	2004-06-18 23:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	high

disclaimer: contents are mushy, reader proceed with caution. you have been warned

it's officially 4 years and three months since i've been dating ben. and you know what? i think it's been super short.

somehow with him time really passes so quickly and he just thinks of the sweetest things to do for me. and even when i'm super selfish he still tries to understand and tells me it's okay. and he stomachs my childishness *which it more then most of you think, so there* without complaint. that is the true mark of the perfect boyfriend. he's just human enough not to be irritatingly perfect as a person, but sweet and loving to make the most anti-boy female bowled over. he came and played nurse to me today after scolding me for going out with my mom *i only went to thompson plaza to have my hair washed* and he does it really well so that i feel cozy, not irritable. altho he did panic when i developed a fever... but yeah... i felt like he watched me go to sleep and i just love that feeling of being watched over and looked after and... bathed in love? you'll know that feeling when it hits you =)

yupp ben darling. i love you much! *muax*

okay... home from the hospital... and i'm a happy TEN KILOS LIGHTER!

yesyes i kid you not. can you imagine, 10 kilos.... i thought it was less as first but i took the official measurements with the scale i usually use and woohoo!! i've still aways to go so i'm not publishing my weigght for the whole world to see but yeps... defiantely things are looking up

an interesting thing to note, ben ong came to visit me in hospital. i mean, lots of people came to cheer me up and they really really did (thanks shih, nis and bro, and ben-tim-chok *your heroism will not be forgotten*... hehe) but meeting ben was like milestone cuz he's the brother from the past? and he hasn't changed one bit. i mean, physically he has loads, longer hair and he's alot bigger then the really scrawny kid he used to be, but he's still... comfortable to talk to, which is something you can't really tell over the internet when you're renewing old friendships, somehow. can't really put my finger on it tho. me and my neurotism.

hehe anyone who wants to learn bellydancing with me say aye! i'm supposed to take it cuz the physio i have to see post op says that it's the best way to get everything in my abdomen back into its place. something about all the rolling and shaking. not to mention the weight i stand to lose! hehe...

sorry that all these older entries are slowly coming to light, i'd had to repost them for some reason.

Date:	2004-06-07 11:52
Subject:	toast
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	i did it mmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaayy

toast was fun. it was quite a trick to find it tho, since it's tucked away at the back of taka. but i'm not gonna eat there for some time. i got raging bulimia after that (not uintended) so yeah... i have a suspicion that it's got to do with that big stupid water balloon that's stuck inside me. can't wait for it to come out.

but yeah... i gotta meet qi and kev, and rence and val, and pat minus yan shin and david and of course my darling. hehe... and he was all dressed up too, got some bigwig dinner at the gallery hotel. if you really wanna know about it read about it here... http://www.blurty.com/talkread.bml?journal=pamal01&itemid=42452 it's right in the middle... yeah

and randall bought me a birthday cake! they all got me stuff which was readlly sweet (and thankfully i remembered to bring something for priscialla) but yeah! i was kinda late, seeing i only left taka and 4.30 and class starts at 5. and i dropped ben off at the gallery hotel. but seriously my taxi driver deserves an award. he's damn good, got me to numberlinks with 5 minutes to spare.

and then i went to pontini for dinner with my parents. finnally went to that much famed italian restaruant. quite funny, there was someone else celebrating his/her birthday and they were damn noisy about it. i think they were abit free with the tipple. and the people were weird too, everyone dressed im skin tight things and carrying a white furry stuffed monkey, like the kipling one? strange. they managed to piss my brother off alot, loud singing which was horribly off key. hehe... i was quite amused.

i did the bulimia thing again when i got home. siigh... can't wait for my surgery.

Date:	2004-06-06 11:20
Subject:	19th birthday
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant
Music:	stars shining bright abooovvve me...

my best ever. i don't think anyone could have been more surprised then me..

i mean, seriously, auntie marie, shih and ben could've earned acadamy awards cuz i didn't suspect a thing. for the record, i'm not blur, i'm just an overconcerned friend. i really thought that pat was sick!

and then there was this gorgeous pink and purple bouquet of ballons and a sumptious candlelit dinner and my incorrigible boyfriend who'd told me he needs to run off to have dinner with his parents. =) i love you guys so much! that was my best birthday ever, handsdown. pat's house just feels like a castle and having all my good girl friends and ben and meeting yan shin? is that how you spell it? for the first time was all the trappings fantastic night.

and i got my slim-x. it's so damn chio if i were lesbian i'd be in love with it. it's a life saver and i cannot imagine how i'd live through my up-coming surgery without it. and it's shiiiiny. nice. now you know why i have the best boyfriend ever? but it's not just because he buys me nice things, he's also caring and mushy when i am and he never ever gets pissed when i'm too childish. that's the mark of a fantastic boyfriend. and did i mention, he's the perfect old fashion gentlemen? =) yan shin my dear, you have much to learn.....

Date:	2004-05-31 01:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

gawd i miss council

3g dinner sucked. oh the dinner and everything was good enough i guess, but so few 27ths designed to come back, and it being a sunday, only melvin and charlie of the guys could come, so in the end, there were about as many 26ths as there were us and i just miss everyone so much. siigh i hate this. i sat in the council room for 3 hours and just soaked it all up. i guess we all have to grow up...

and ben's sicker now. i'm so worried, it's so unlike him to be sick. i love him to bits.

Date:	2004-05-28 00:01
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

we lost.

i started a new knitting project today! it's supposed to be a top for me so i have clothes i can wear when i'm out of the hospital. it's looks really good right now, all 10 rows that i've knit. lolx

i've just committed myself to daily tuition classses... with two groups. siiiigh. am trying to help them do as well as they can, but sometimes i think it's just me who's trying and not them *i must not become like mum i must not become like mum i must not... * hopefully... i'll still have time for myself and ben and all my friends

i am so sick of being sleepy

Date:	2004-05-26 09:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

today... is the RUGBY FINALS.... i miss council so much it sucks... all the cheering... and the noise... and the banners... an the togetherness of it all... in a t-shirt that's gonna be way too big for me soon :)

Date:	2004-05-25 23:59
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

hah

i have lasted the weekend and then some... i dunno this anticipation for my op is killing me. so cut me up already and stop making me think about it. siiiigh.

and my poor boy's so sick it makes my heart bleed. he's so strong i guess i sometimes forget that he gets sick too. and when i saw him on saturday so sick i really felt my heart break that i'm not aways going to be able to look after him like this. i've never ever seen him so fragile before. i love him so much it's so surreal.

i'm making a list of all the things i wanna learn between now and the end of the year. and when i say learn, i mean learn well.
-driving (my test is on 100804)
-pilates
-rollerblading
-higher math (integration, differentiation, vectors and matrixes)
-html, java and adobe
-knitting and crocheting
-peranakan slipper beading
-dancing (any form, esp ACJC orientation dances of the last 4 years)
-japanese, hindi, italian and french (conversational)

that should keep me busy... if not by the new year then at least by my 20th birthday. please God.

Date:	2004-05-10 23:10
Subject:	siiiigh
Security:	Public
Mood:	scared

where do i begin... it's been a damn eventful one week and considering the length of time that i haven't updated.... many many people are asking for blood i guess...


okay first thing, lemme make it clear, yes i was going to queensland to study and no i did not break up with ben and was therefor in a hurry to leave. i thought i'd be able to make it for the end of may intake and thus rushed my application and all that. but God's will has intended me to stay another year and spend more time with ben and the rest of you.

second thing. i'm okay. i've got a large cyst the size of a soccer ball in my stomach cavity but i've had it in me for the past 2 years and nothing's happened so i have come to my own conclusion that it's benign. if it isn't, it'll only let me know after it's been exorcised on the 14th of june and sent for testing. yes it freaked the hell out of me and i am so scared about going for major surgery, but i'll live. i always have. and just for the record, this is going to make me lose weight!

not much more in my life although all this happened in a week so i'm pretty much shell shocked. oh... one very important thing tho:

ben, i love you so much. you've been my world the last 4 years and 2 months and although sometimes it doesn't feel that way, i love you and care for you deeply and our love is like a well of water in the desert that my life has become. you're like God's own message of love in my life. i love you and i'm sorry for all the hurt and shocks this week.

finally got my wireless internet connection today, which means i'll be able to spend more time online simply since the conection means that i can move around the house surfing. have been doing alot of things since the renovations and i just simply do not have the time come online. or go out. or even see the people i want to see for that matter.

and then there's the expectations. if you expect things of me i might not always be able to fulfil then. have you thought of that? i by nature have a life that is extremely full. and when i say extremely i mean it. my parents are of the old school which means i'm expected to see to their needs first and that applies in all areas of my life. not mine, not anyone else's. don't let them tell you otherwise. if you feel i don't try hard enough, then i'm sorry. i truely am. but there's not an ounce of things that i can do about it. if you have suggestions you're welcome to give them. i'm out of ideas.

why oh why can't a small shrimp realise that if he's left in my charge, he jolly well stay in my charge and no go running off to spend the night in a boat with some boy i've never met just in the interests of fish? it's the pasir ris, which ain't so bad until you consider that he's got school the next day and his transport comes at 8, i don't know who the hell this other boy is and there'll be absolutely no parental supervision?

ack

i just bloody painted his room for him too. sigh.

i love my new computer table. it's the purple 69 dollar one from ikea. i put it together myself too. and i got a new wireless optical mousie. and a new internet security thingie. and a newly renovated room! it's got this huge cupboard. and i get to keep my sofa. *yips* sorry i'm just bloody pissed with the shrimp.

i'm so sleepy and so scared

siiiiigh why couldn't i be smart

i need sleep and not to wake up before noon...

bzzzz *runs and hides*

i've always wondered what's it's like to live in a normal house with a normal family. eat meals with everyone there occasionally and not have to deal with undercurrents of politicking. i guess it's just a fantasy of mine.

i cracked my big toenail otday. my mom's been nagging that i'll crack it one day since i don't cut them short so last night i trimmed and filed it all nicely and guess what? it cracked today when i dropped a suitcase full of books on it. sigh. much money involved in removing said nail at clinic and inept locum with scapel trying unsucessfully to slice it cleanly away from skin. why do your family doctors go on reservice just when you need them?

oh and if anyone wants books/bags/stationery please drop a note here. i'm trying to sell off/give off all my extra stuff to people who'd take care of em. esp you stuffed toy collectors out there some of my stuffed toys need new homes with people to love them and not to live in boxes.

hmmoz

it's been a long time

it's not that i don't want to post it's just that i've been so darn busy

and a little bit moodswingy so the little i put into this blog is private

i'm really missing school but not looking forward to the results. i miss tuition that gave me the perfect excuse to see ben.

argh

Date:	2004-01-21 01:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive

every so often, i dig out an old classic, read a little read and weep a little weep. and it makes me feel like i don't give a fig for today's modern world. tonight i re-read, for the upteenth time, lm montgomery's rainbow valley, and i just cried and cried. it was quite carthartic somehow. and makes me wish that we had more time for the important things in life, like love and family and friendship.

we have so many campaigns and things, and are so caught up in what everyone else thinks is proper that we don't stop and think for ourselves. we hear of people with the drive to be top businessmen and women, win accolades, make lots of money and to make quality, not quantity time with family. but being a product of the above-mentioned quality time families, i can't help but wonder am i wrong to want to make my family my ambition? for all my talk of physio and clinics and things, what i want the most is to instill the fear of God in my children, not that of not enough money, to value education and character, not grades and recognition, accomplishment not accolades. i want them to be moved by art, both classic and contemprary and to have a love of life and a horror of violence, to glory in life, love and care for their fellow man. i may be only 18 but i somehow feel that to want to be a good wife and mother isn't so outdated and ancient as the so-called liberated woman makes it seem. not all women need to put thier husbands first, and definately not all husbands should demand it, but neither should girls today grow up with career as first and only. if and when they get married, they should be allowed to choose, and be accepted for their choice. yes, the cost of living is high in singapore and that children will only be given a headstart with an education and education only comes from money. that's what singapore seems to preach, looking at the number of tuition that most children go too.

i've started to value lessons on budgeting, human relations, propriety and empathy many times more than any chinese enrichment i was ever given. and i feel sad for all the mothers compelled into the workforce since society mostly deems it necessary and thus are unable to give thier children more care than 'quality time'. how i hate that word. it connotes parents who cannot be around, mostly by choice, so they spend 5 hours a week with their children and call it quality. how does one measure quality in time? is an hour with your child at his spelling more precious than an hour talking about everything and nothing? what does one do with 2 teenaged children when it's scheduled time and is it better than a lazy afternoon just hanging out with them, at their haunts and with their friends?

one girl's stirke out at conformity perhaps, i just hope that when the time comes, i will not find myself torn between the workplace and home, but i know for me at least, i'll know i'll right where my heart is.

Date:	2004-01-13 00:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

once upon a promise in a land called luoS there was a princess who had everything. a prince, a castle and even a bunch of frogs who took care of her when the prince wasn't around.

but there was a blot of black in her life and she didn't know what it was. and from that blot came fear, insecurity, and misery. the prince tried and tried and seemed to give up and the princess despaired over ever getting him to realise she needed him to listen and love her for what she is, worries and all, because it was a part of her. and... forget it. i know it's not working beacuse i'm getting bloody irritated with the superfluity of writing behind something.



i'm just so tired of being used to being what other people want me to be
every year i tell myself to be myself, stand up to myself and i just settle back into other poeple's expectations of me.
i guess it's gotten me so far and i'm so afraid of upsetting people, but i'm so sick of feeling a need to pelase eveyone and i can't please anyone.
i don't want to work with my mom
i want more time for ben so that he won't feel like we have to fight so i'll give him attention
i want to get out of the house, away from my family, and just have sometime all to myself
i want to not feel like a hamster on a wheel but still feel like i'm what people need in a friend and a girlfriend and a daughter, and not feel guilty for thinking of myself.

i have more than i deserve but sometimes i just want to have nothing.

hey guys check this out!

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slang.cgi?ref=sondha
and
http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slang.cgi?ref=sonn

and my all time favourite

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slang.cgi?ref=ben
his is so true, but in the destricptive sence, not the drug.

Date:	2004-01-01 17:01
Subject:	hi
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

hi and a warm welcome to those who're back and have realised that... wow, sondha's updated again! lol... i've just been so busy and my life so full plus become so addicted to battlenet that i seriously haven't been checking in on friendster and my blog and my email. in fact, all my email just got deleted cuz i had to reactivate my account. sighz.

it's been a pretty decent holiday, but as of today in the new year, i kinda realise i have to grow up. i haven't been clubbing, but i have been out, until late, for the past coupla days, on the premise that i need to work hard when the year starts. like, with the SATS coming and my jobs =) but i guess in a way i love to work, esp service industry jobs. i love getting to the pple i'm working with, and helping them.

oh, btw, if anyone has any contacts with anyone in a physiotherapy related job, i'd love you to bits if you could let me know. i'm working for my mother right now, but she'll let me drop that to work with a physio related job since it's experience gained for later =) she thinks that i'll stand a better chance of getting anywhere if i have some work experience in the field.

okay i have so much to say, but no energy to start. the last two years have been magical guys. thanks for making that magic for me *muah*

	Tenderheart Bear You are thinker, organizer, peacekeeper, and leader all in one. You have a power to command attention and people listen to you. However, you are often so concerned about not hurting others' feelings that you don't tell them what they need to hear and this gets you both into trouble. But you always have loyal friends to help you out.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Date:	2003-10-26 09:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed

sorry i haven't been able to write... i'm trying to get my act together for what's happening in 2 weeks time. neways, this is something that shih emailed me and it makes alot of sense, but instead od emailing it out i thought i'd put it here and ask that if any of you knows anyone who might benefit from this, please pass this on

Say No to Disrespect
By Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend



Cindy had been divorced for two years, and finally felt ready to reenter the dating world. She met Craig, and the two hit it off. He was smart and attentive. One thing Cindy was very drawn to in Craig was that he was able to relate to her as a woman. Her first husband had been sort of a man??s man, and she had felt worlds apart from him. But Craig was at ease with her and could talk about emotions and the deeper issues of life as one who understood. Not only that, but he didn??t mind being with Cindy??s girlfriends, either. There was none of that chau?vinistic distance that some men possess.

He did have a problem though. She noticed it the first time when they were out on a date at a nice downtown restaurant. She was flattered by the atmosphere, and felt even more drawn to Craig??s attentiveness as they were being seated at their table. Then the cocktail waitress, a striking blonde, appeared, and asked if they wanted drinks or appetizers. Craig??s face took on a seduc?tive look, and he said, ??No thanks, unless you??re on the menu. The waitress smiled awkwardly and left. Cindy was shocked and hurt. ??You really humiliated me with that comment!?? she told Craig. He held up his hands and said, ??What are you talking about? I was just making a joke. Stop overreacting.?? Confused, Cindy backed down and tried to adjust her attitude. They spent the rest of the evening together pleasantly.

Cindy put the event out of her mind, until Craig said some?thing strange to one of her girlfriends at a party a couple of weeks later. Liz had been complaining to the couple about her ex? boy friend. Craig said, ??The guy must be nuts to be treating you that way. If I had someone with your looks and brains, I'd be thanking my lucky stars.?? Again, when Cindy confronted Craig on it, he said, ??Can??t you let me be myself? I'm just keeping things light.??

The rest of the relationship seemed to go so well that Cindy didn't want to jeopardize a lot for a little. But her antennae were out now, and she began taking note of how often Craig flirted with girls with her by his side. The more involved they became, the more it seemed to happen.

When Cindy mentioned the flirting to a friend, the friend told her, ??Look at it this way. Maybe it??s the only way he can make conversation with a woman. Besides, at least he??s doing it in front of you. That must mean he feels committed to you, to not be hiding it.?? There was enough sense in what her friend said to keep Cindy doubting her feelings. Yet she couldn??t make her?self simply let it go.

The worst part of it all was Craig's disregard for her discom?fort with his flirting. He did not seem to care or understand how difficult it was for her, even if it were true that it was one hun?dred percent her reaction. Had he shown some concern for her feelings, she would have been less bothered by the flirting itself. And, as she kept observing, Craig??s disregard for her feel?ings did not limit itself to the flirting issue. Overtime, he became more and more insistent on his way and opinions, and less car?ing about hers. Whenever she would bring up the disregard, Craig's answer was always to minimize her viewpoint and protest his innocence.

Cindy met some women who had known Craig in a previous life, and found out that their experiences were similar. Craig could connect with women very well, as long as other women weren't around, and things were okay with the woman he was dating. But when there were conflicts or other women around, he lost the connection with his date.

Cindy began not only confronting Craig's inappropriateness, but she also began taking action. When he would flirt in her presence, she would quietly pick up her purse and go home, leaving him to explain why she had left. She told him, ??I won't be there to experience your immaturity and my humiliation, even if you don't think that is what's going on.?? This finally broke them up. Cindy was heartbroken, as she really liked Craig. But she couldn't see being married to someone who was great when they agreed, but ran over her feelings when they didn't.


Dissing Is a Problem

There's a term used by some groups of American youth called ??dissing.?? It means ??disrespecting,?? and it refers to the prac?tice of gossiping about someone. When you diss someone, you are liable to get into a fight with the person you dissed, as it is considered a lack of respect and a breach of honor. No matter what the person's social standing, dissing is seen as taboo. It indi?cates some sort of disregard about the rights and character of the other person.

The dating world also has a problem with dis sing. More than talking behind someone's back, however, this is the problem of disrespecting one's dating partner. Disrespect is a serious obstacle to closeness, intimacy, and a couple's chances for mar?ital success.

Respect is a necessary element for any couple to grow in love. Each person needs to feel that they are respected by the person they are getting to know. This involves having esteem or regard for all aspects of the other. Respect is different from empathy, though any relationship needs both to be hand-in-hand. Empathy is the ability to feel another's experience, espe?cially painful ones. Respect is the ability to value another??s experience. You may not be able to actually empathize with someone, but you can always take a position of respect for them. For example, a guy may restrain himself from pushing his girlfriend sexually for either reason. He may feel deep com?passion for the dilemma he is putting her in. Or he may restrain himself because he respects her right to make her own moral decisions. Relationships develop best when both empathy and respect are in place.

When respect is present, the other person feels that he can be free to be who he is. He can be honest, and still feel con?nected and safe. He doesn't worry that he will be attacked, humiliated, or treated poorly. When respect is absent, many people will find themselves controlled, neglected, or injured by someone who doesn't care about their needs or feelings.

If you desire to be respected, you are not asking to be treated special. Respect is not worship. It has more to do with being treated as you would like to be treated, which is Jesus??Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12). It means things like the following:


? Your opinion is heard and valued.

? Your differences and disagreeing are validated.

? Your choices are esteemed, even the wrong ones.

? Your feelings are regarded.

? When you are wrong, you are confronted respectfully, not talked down to nor babied.


Craig had a couple of disrespect problems. First, he didn't respect Cindy's need to be treated as special when he was around other women. He laughed off his flirting as harmless, even though the other women were uncomfortable, too. Second, and more importantly, Craig didn't respect Cindy's need to have him consider her feelings when he hurt her. He was so set in his ways that he couldn??t see the effect his actions had on her.


How Disrespect Happens

Disrespect flourishes when someone values their own desires above their date's. They may not be actively trying to hurt the other. Instead, the other person??s feelings, freedom, or needs get trampled or ignored because of how intent their date is on having their own way. Disrespect tends to be more self-centered than malicious in nature, though that does occur also.

People in dating situations need to know that their feelings, needs, and freedom are respected. When someone is uncom?fortable in a sexual situation, or is hurt by a sarcastic remark, or becomes angry with a broken promise, that is a signal that something is going on. The other person needs to take those feel?ings seriously. The couple needs to talk about what triggered this, and solve the problem.

Disrespect may come out in several ways, and it usually involves some violation of freedom:

? Dominating: The other person won't hear no from her date. When he disagrees, she intimidates, threatens, or rages. She is offended by her date??s freedom to choose. For example, a woman may want her boyfriend to spend lots of time with her. When he tells her he??d prefer to do other things, she may disrespect his freedom by becoming angry and telling him their relationship will be jeopardized.

? Withdrawal: One person pulls away when the other exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But he is passively punishing his date for her differentness. For example, a woman might want to go out with the girls on a night that her boyfriend wants to be with her. While he doesn??t complain, he also doesn??t call or talk to her for a while. He is showing her that he doesn??t respect her freedom.

? Manipulating: One person shows disrespect by subtle stratagems designed to make the other person change his mind. A woman may cry or nag to get her boyfriend to help her paint her apartment when he doesn't have the time.

? Direct violation: The person disrespects by continuing the same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. A man might chronically cancel dates at the last moment. Even though she tells him how much this bothers her, he keeps doing it.

? Minimizing: One person says the other person??s negative feelings are simply an overreaction.

? Blaming: When, say, the man talks about the problem, the woman indicates that he himself caused the problem. For example, a man will tell his girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond with, ??If you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn??t have to resort to that.??

? Rationalizing: The other person denies responsibility for whatever caused the problem. For example, the chronically late date excuses the hurt his girlfriend feels by saying,??I understand your feelings, but it was the freeway traffic, not me.??

Respecting someone doesn't mean that you agree with them. Nor does it mean that you will comply with what they want. It means that their feelings matter because those emotions belong to a person who matters. Listen to, understand, and try to help the situation.

Margaret was dating Mike, who traveled a lot in his business. As they were getting more involved, she began wanting more contact with him, which made sense. She wanted Mike to call her every night when he was traveling. This was very difficult, if not impossible, for him, because of flying times and meeting schedules. He tried to call Margaret. When he didn't, she would get very hurt and feel unloved. He would try harder, but it wouldn't work. Finally, he told her, ??I really care about your feel?ings, but I can only do so much. Can we work this out another way??? She thought about it and realized he wasn't the problem. She had suffered from abandonment issues all her life with a dad who had moved away. She realized she was putting her aban?donment on him, and began to let go of her dad at the same time. Margaret agreed that if Mike could call, that would be enough. Mike respected her feelings, but the couple used the informa?tion to solve the real issue.

If your feelings, time, opinion, or values are not being respected, you need to take some sort of action. You may need to end your silence and bring up the issue. You may need to bring it up as a serious issue, not to be put off. You may need to set consequences on the event happening again. I knew a woman whose date was always having fun at her expense when they went out with friends. Finally, she started driving a separate car to the events so that she could leave when he got disrespectful. It took only a few occurrences of this for him to see that she was seri?ous, and things got better.


The Progression of Disrespect

We aren't born respecting others. Instead, we begin life highly concerned with our own lives and hardly aware of the needs of others. As we mature, however, others come into the pic?ture more. Over time, we are supposed to learn that others?? needs and feelings are important. But this is a learned ability, not an innate one.

Sometimes a person will date someone who seems very respectful at first. They listen, acknowledge the other's opinions, and will often defer to them. Then, as the couple gets more com?fortable, the respect seems to dissipate, and the other person feels devalued or put down. The hurt person will often won?der, How did he lose the respect he had for my feelings? Did familiarity breed contempt?

The reality is different. Respectful people don't lose respect over time, they increase it. As the relationship deepens, they are connected with that much more of the person, and respect those additional parts of the person. They may become more com?fortable and casual, but they still care about the feelings of the other person. This is a character trait. It is stable and is not dependent on situations. So people who seem to stop respect?ing you over time, in all likelihood, have never had true respect for others??needs and feelings. They may be socialized on the out?side, knowing etiquette and the rules of society, but their heart is still bent on getting their way. So if you notice disrespect increasing, you are probably instead seeing something that was hidden beginning to manifest itself.


Saying and Doing

Another important aspect of noticing disrespect is that it is about what we do, not what we say we will do. Anyone can apol?ogize and say they will change. That takes a certain amount of character growth, but not as much as actually changing and doing what we promise. For example, the man who chronically broke dates at the last moment might really listen to how much this hurt his girlfriend. He might apologize profusely. And he might promise that he will, from this day forward, follow through on his commitments. Yet he still tends to over commit to things and have to back out. It is not disrespectful to fail. It is, however, dis?respectful to continually fail in an area that hurts another, and not take steps to resolve the failure. Don't condone disrespect in word or deed.


What Does Not Cure Disrespect

A disrespectful relationship has ultimately to do with char?acter. Disrespect can be caused by selfishness, control, lack of understanding, and other things. Here are some things that will not cure a pattern of disrespect.


Ending the Relationship Immediately

So many people who have difficulty setting limits will sim?ply walk away from the relationship when they encounter dis?respect. Almost out of the blue, they will terminate things, citing that they won??t put up with disrespect anymore. This is a sad and unhelpful way to solve the problem. There is much you can do, as we will show, before having to end things. Dating should be an arena in which you solve problems while in the relationship, rather than ending the relationship when you experience prob?lems. Premature endings don't bode well for your future mar?riage years, either, or any type of relationship. Learn to deal with disrespect before you end things.


Compliance

Attempting to please a disrespectful date is pretty futile. While compliance may seem to calm down the battle, it cannot win the war. Disrespect has self-centeredness at its core. Compliance creates the illusion that disrespect has no consequences, so the selfishness remains, or can even get worse.

We are all called to love others, even the disrespectful: ??This is my command: love each other?? (John 15:17). But love is not compliance. While loving someone means taking a stance for their best, compliance rescues them from the consequences of their sin and immaturity. For example, suppose you are dating someone who has a hot temper. When he gets angry, he gets mean and critical with you, disrespecting your need for safety and security. You may comply with his rages, calming him down and taking responsibility for his anger. This may soothe him tem?porarily, but it will not cure the character problem with which he is struggling: ??A hot?Xtempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again?? (Proverbs 19:19). A good source for more information on compliance with dis?respect is our book Boundaries.


Retaliation

It is perfectly natural to want to meet disrespect with disre?spect. If she dates around on you, then you date around on her. Let her see what it feels like. The problem is, what is natural is often not what is mature. We are, by nature, revengeful legal?ists: an eye for an eye. Yet retaliation is ultimately ineffective. That is why God sent Jesus?Xthe law failed to make us righteous people. When you take revenge, you tend to receive either a grudging compliance from the other person, or escalation of the disrespect. Neither one touches the heart of the person or the issue. Leave retaliation demands nailed to the cross of Christ: ??If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone?? (Romans 12:18).

Complaining without Consequences

As we stated in our parenting book, Boundaries with Kids, setting boundaries without setting consequences is a form of nagging. The disrespecter learns that his greatest problem is not the hurtfulness of his behavior, but only the annoyance of your complaining. There is very little motivation to grow and change. Cindy, who at the beginning of the chapter struggled with the flirtatious Craig, simply protested to him about his behavior. Yet it was much later that she finally set the limits of going home when he was inappropriate. They did break up, but at least the consequence did force some sort of change. Had she only protested to Craig, who knows how long they would have been in this stalemate? If you complain about disrespect and set a limit, be prepared to also establish a consequence to back up your words.


What Does Cure Disrespect

Finally, if you are experiencing a disrespectful dating rela?tionship, here are a few action points which can go a long way to resolve it.

Don't Wait to Deal with It

As we mentioned, much of the time, disrespect is a character problem. One aspect of character problems is that they don't simply resolve over time. They need interventions of truth and grace to work out. The longer you wait to address disrespect, the more you can expect it. Require respect today, and you have a better chance of it: ??making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil?? (Ephesians 5:16). This doesn't mean setting out some abrupt rule book on the first date. It does, how?ever, mean that when your date ignores your request to get you home by a particular time because he is having so much fun, that you address the problem then and there.


Get to Know Your Date in the Context of Other Relationships

Sometimes you may wonder if you are just overreacting and being too sensitive. For example, your girlfriend may be incon?sistent in when she says she will be somewhere, and you find yourself waiting around forever for her. Yet she may say you're being picky and controlling. This may be true. So get around her and her friends and family. Find out what those who know her say about her habits. They may say she??s never been flaky. Then again, they may say she has no concept of time, and it drives them crazy too. This isn't spying. It is how people get to know someone. Dating should not be done in a vacuum.


Say No

A simple test of disrespect is to disagree about a preference and see what happens. A respectful person will listen, negotiate, and come to some sort of mutual compromise. A disrespecter will find some way to change the no to a yes.


Address the Disrespect as a Problem

Mention to the person that you feel controlled, dismissed, or unheard about this area. Let them know it hurts and distances you. Some people disrespect out of ignorance. They dominate because no one has set enough limits with them, but they are also goodhearted folks. If you address your feelings to the igno?rant person, he will most likely want to change, because he is invested in the relationship, not in controlling you. However, some people disrespect because they care more about them?selves than they do the relationship. When you bring your feel?ings to them, they are likely to rationalize, deny, or blame?X anything but change. This is a major red flag.


Clarify

Be very clear and specific about several aspects of the problem:


? What bothers you about the disrespectful behavior: You dismiss my opinions when we talk about issues.

? What feelings it brings up in you: I feel hurt and distanced.

? How you would like to be treated: Give us both equal time and respect when we discuss a topic.

? What you will do if things do not change: I will probably not see you for a while, until you are able to see that this is a severe problem.


Bring Others in

Don't do this alone. Get support, feedback, and reality test?ing from safe friends. Disrespect can evoke certain childlike parts of our nature which long to please hurtful people in order to get their love. If we have childhood hurts in which we attempted to repair distant or critical parents, we are at risk for being trapped by disrespect. That is why some people put up with the most disrespectful relationships imaginable. Being around healthy people can help you be free to address the problem.


Own Your Own Part

Remember that you might be making disrespect easier, and take the plank out of your own eye before removing your date's speck (Matthew 7:3-5). Your part may be several things:


? Not saying anything, which can imply consent

? Treating it lightly or as something cute or funny in your date

? Vacillating between doing nothing and having rage fits about it, which conveys a confusing message

? Making it all your fault and problem instead of your date's

Take ownership of the issue. Change what you need to change. But require that your date treat you respectfully. In our experi?ence, when you do this, one of two things tends to happen: you get more respect from those who have it to give; and you get left by those who don??t have it. Both results are good ones.


Take-Away Tips

? Respect and esteem your date's thoughts, feelings, and choices; require that sort of treatment from him.

? Address disrespect early in the relationship. If you feel disrespected and aren't sure it is really going on, ask your date and get the dialogue started.

? Make a distinction between differences and disrespect. You can disagree and even get angry with each other respectfully.

? Avoid the tendency to overlook disrespect, hoping it will get better over time. Start seeing if it is curable.

? Don??t fight fire with fire. Start with vulnerability and state your desire for the relationship to be better.

? See if you are making it easier to be disrespected by putting yourself in the one-down position in the relationship.