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Disclaimer [24 Sep 2003|11:03pm] [ mood | relieved ] Ok, so I said in my last post that I would write more about my anniversary with Tressa, but I got side tracked and distracted, etc. You can all blame Kelly. Not that I mind being distracted by him one bit. Oh, no, not all. But that's entirely beside the point. So, back to Tressa and I. We split. Officially that is. We've pretty much been split anyway with her in our house and me living with Kel, but the words were said. I asked if she wanted a divorce, said I would get a lawyer and draw up the papers myself so she wouldn't have to deal with that. She said she didn't want a divorce though. What she said is that she feels it would be best if we kept up appearances. That the public would get to inquisitive if this seemingly happily married couple divorced and that they would start digging for dirt on me. I'm not entirely sure this is her actual concern, although it is valid to some degree. I'm thinking the truth of the matter is that she doesn't really want to let go of me. And I can understand that. She's in love with me. Not entirely sure why, especially after all of this, but she is. She knows that she'll never be able to compete with Kelly, and I think she's finally come to terms with that, and no longer has seething hatred/ill will toward either of us. Which is a relief to say the least. So there you have it. Things have sort of been ironed out with Tressa, as much as can be expected, I guess. And now, I go cook for Kelly. Because he's helpless. ..4 xo.

Disclaimer [05 Sep 2003|12:10am] [ mood | okay ] I spent the weekend in Brighton doing a David Boreanaz convention. Why does he get his own convention anyway? Xander was way cooler than Angel. Even if Angel has his own show and everything, but that's a minor technicality. His hair is weird! Anyway. Kelly got booked at the last minute, which was a pleasant surprise. I was glad that I didn't have to be away from him for a whole weekend (heaven forbid, right?). It was fun. We kept ribbing each other through the whole thing, telling embarrassing stories about the other, and I had to continuously put him in time out for misbehavior. I need to teach him to do the Snoopy Dance better. He does it very...gayly. The first of the month was my anniversary with Tressa. One can imagine that was interesting. I won't get into the details right now as I'm feeling pretty sleepy. I think instead I'll consider going to bed if I can manage to drag Kelly along with me. ..6 xo.

Disclaimer [03 Aug 2003|12:00am] [ mood | tired ] What I hate most about not sleeping well, is that when I'm tired, it brings on my stuttering. And when I'm stressed as well. I've been both stressed and tired lately. It's not been fun. Fortunately, staying with Kelly makes it easier. He's used to the stuttering, so it's not like I get odd looks from him, and he has the patience for it. I finally talked to Tressa again. We had a calm, rational conversation. She doesn't hate me, and said she sort of saw something like this coming. She knew it would be a challenge to try and be an important part of my life when Kelly's always going to be number one in my eyes. She knew from the start that Kelly means the world to me, she just never fathomed the extent of our relationship. I told her I never thought it would extend this far myself, but I had always hoped it would. I'm not so sure she's understanding of all of this, per se, but she's not hating on me with a fiery passion and wishing for my slow and painful demise or anything, so that's a plus! ..2 xo.

Disclaimer [21 Jul 2003|05:27am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Kelly snoring ] It's insanely late. Or more correctly, insanely early. Kelly is fast asleep, softly snoring, tangled up in the bedsheets and blankets, clutching my pillow. I'm not sure how I managed to slip away unnoticed, but I succeeded. I was asleep, but I keep waking up. And then I toss and turn, and can't fall back asleep. I haven't slept well in at least a month or so. I just keep mulling this situation over in my head. I hurt an important person in my life, without ever having the intention of doing so. Tressa is a special girl, and she deserves better than what she has. I've gotten her tied down, filled her with false hopes...everything is just based around and built on lies. I thought that I could love her. But I was wrong. I mean, I do love her. But I'm in love with her. I've known all my life that no one could compete with Kelly for my affections. I can't help the bond that's there, that crosses all the lines and blurs them together. He's always going to be the most important person in my life. I'll always love him more than anyone else because he literally is a part of me...as well as figuratively. Naturally this is a hard concept for a woman to grasp about her husband. She may never forgive me...I truly doubt she could...but I hope we can at least reconcile to an extent. I haven't spoken to her since the day she told me it would be best if I didn't stop home for awhile. I'm giving her room, giving her time. I figure she'll contact me when she's ready. I'm never certain about how women operate, they tend to be tricky, but I'm thinking this is the best approach. Anyway, on a lighter note...the road trip was a lovely getaway. I think it was something Kelly and I both needed. It didn't take my mind off of everything entirely, but it did help. And I can now say I have some fond memories of the Grand Canyon. Heh. We went to a Common Rotation gig the other day. Always a great performance by Adam and the band! I always did like Adam when he wasn't clocking me in the jaw ;) Anyway. There wasn't an obscene amount of drinking this time. I wasn't in the mood to get drunk, or to deal with a drunk Kelly, so I made him go easy. Beside, no time to drink when you're bumping and grinding to the music! And oh did we bump and grind...and then we bumped and grinded with the Lenk brothers. Good times, my friends,...good times. It really was fun. I think I was successfully able to let go of all my worries for a couple hours and just have some good, genuine fun. I think Kelly's starting to notice my absence from the bed in his slumber as he's making whimpering noises. I swear, I'm not sure how he's ever able to survive without me around 24/7. Not that I mind taking care of him, and being with him. So yeah, I'm not complaining. Heh. Ok. Sleep now. ..17 xo.

Disclaimer [11 Jul 2003|08:50pm] [ mood | indescribable ] I've been staying with Kelly. He's been enjoying it because I cook. Which sort of makes me feel bad for Tressa because cooking's not exactly her thing, so I usually did it because I love it. I haven't really gone home much. I've been primarily wearing Kelly's clothes, which is one of the many benefits of having a twin. Although I'm sure he'd rather me not wear his clothes so much. I did finally stop home and picked up some stuff today. Kelly keeps talking about dragging me off on a road trip. Tressa had called Kelly's a couple times to talk to me, make sure I was ok. I assured her I'd be home soon to pick up some stuff and to talk to her. I talked to her today. It...was an interesting conversation, but one that needed to be had. Before I even said anything, she asked me if I was seeing another woman or if I really was spending all my time at Kelly's. I think I was pretty successful in convincing her that there wasn't another woman, I've just been with my brother. So then I went on to explain some things to her. Needless to say she wasn't exactly thrilled, and definitely encouraged the idea of me not being at our house. Which is probably understandable. I've yet to fill Kel in on all the details, so I'll probably do that tonight. I don't think I really need to get into it here. I am sort of relieved to have told her. ..7 xo.

Disclaimer [07 Jul 2003|03:09am] [ mood | tired ] I know I'm late, sorry. I blame it on being tired. Which I blame on Kelly. Because I enjoy blaming him for things. But anyway, happy birthday to Adam. I hope it was a good one, man. ..4 xo.

Disclaimer [03 Jul 2003|03:07am] [ mood | happy ] I'm getting better at posting more frequently, I think. No worries, this post won't be vague and emo like the last. I'm feeling significantly better and I owe it mostly to my brother. Shortly after I wrote that last post, I talked to him. I didn't even tell him what was bothering me, and that didn't matter because he made me forget all about it. Cheered me up the way only Kelly can. Then we took Eliza out for a late lunch, early dinner (linner or dunch, if you will) and I think she may regret her time spent with the two of us. We threw fries at each other, and kicked each other under the table. Why, yes, we are mature, thirty-two year old adults. Heh. After we ate, Kel and I went back to his place and he eventually got me to sleep. It seems like nowadays, he doesn't eat well unless I'm there to make him, and I don't sleep well unless he's around to make me. So we're a little dependent on each other. What of it? I failed to mention before, since I was being emo in my last post, that Tom asked me to be his best man when he and Danny get married. I was shocked that he'd ask me. We only started really hanging out during season seven. But I think we've developed a pretty good relationship. I'm really honored that he would ask me. I wish him and Danny the best of luck. Since I can only have three icons, I made a bunch of me and some of my Buffy castmates and put them on my info. I don't have one with Eliza yet because I couldn't find a picture. I need to look again. Oh, yes, and there's an icon there of Kelly as a blonde. ..7 xo.

Disclaimer Invest yourself in one more trance... [01 Jul 2003|02:16pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | True Hollywood Romance // Common Rotation ] I talked to Tom for a little bit the other day. I wanted to apologize for things, but first ended up talking about some other things. Things that I've wanted to talk about but have been wary to do so. But I told him about these things, and it was quite the relief to get it out there. It's not good to keep things bottled up. I still haven't been sleeping well. In fact, I've been sleeping even less. Eliza probably gets more rest than I do. I'm just bothered by things. Things that shouldn't even bother me but do. Because I let them. But I don't know how else to respond to certain situations. Some things are different and confusing, and...I don't know. I suppose I could talk about them, but I don't even want to think about them. Tom suggested that I discuss something with my wife. Because she deserves to know and it's unfair to her otherwise. Well, essentially he advised me to talk to her about my feelings for her. I'm pretty hesitant about this. I do love her in a sense, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her. I care an awful lot about her, even if it's not quite in the same sense that she does me. This is quite possibly the vaguest post. Kelly's pointed out on more than one occassion my habit of being vague with things. It's just that sometimes I don't know what kind of reactions certain things would garner from people if I told them, so I keep them to myself, or allude to them in hopes that people would figure them out on their own. Ok, I'm ending this now because I'm making little sense to myself. I'll blame it on the lack of sleep. ..2 xo.

Disclaimer [28 Jun 2003|01:00pm] [ mood | determined ] Whereas most people are frightened by how much time we spend together, I'm put off by how little I've seen of my brother lately. Which is no fault of his, naturally. It's me trying to appease the missus. There's only so much of me to go around and unfortunately she's the one I'm married to. Er...not to make it sound like I'd rather be married to my...oh, you know what I mean. I've been extremely exhausted lately. I don't sleep well at nights these days. I'm pretty restless. Not sure if I completely know why that is or not. Could be the tension from Tressa. Heh. Yeah, I am blowing that out of proportion. I've done alright by her lately. We've been spending time together, and it's been alright. She's really a wonderful girl to be around when she's not obscenely jealous of my brother. On a slightly different note, I've been on a mission to prove Kelly wrong. About something. Anything. I'm getting close to desperation. I've been close to having opportunities to accomplish this task, but I've let them slide. I'm too good to him. I will, however, prove him wrong. Oh, yes. I will. I'm also considering unlurking today. I'd still like to talk to Tom. ..7 xo.

Disclaimer [22 Jun 2003|02:47am] [ mood | sleepy ] I probably should've updated sooner, but I didn't take the time. Oh well. Anyway, I spent the majority of the week with Kelly, at first babying him as he recovered from the bike ride, and then just to hang out and make up for lost time. We can only go so long with out twin bonding. It's probably sad and frightening to others how much we can't stand being away from each other. But you know, we're split from the same egg so he's like a part of me. Yeah, now really isn't a good hour to try and explain our relationship. So aside from spending time with Kelly, I also spent some time with Aly the other day. That was great. We hadn't seen each other since Buffy wrapped, which is a shame. I haven't really seen any of my castmates since then. Anyway, we had some laughs, had a good time. Took the opportunity to catch up. I definitely had a blast. I reluctantly had a lengthy talk/fight/discussion/whatever with Tressa. I hadn't exactly told her that I'd be staying practically every night this week at Kelly's. And needless to say she wasn't pleased with this. So we talked about how I spend too much time with him, and how it's great that we are so close and have such a good relationship, but that it seems a little...odd...that we spend so much time together. I'm really not good at explaining the relationship I have with him. I mean, it's impossible to put to words the bond we have. He's my best friend, my brother, my twin, and so much more. I think she can tell that he's the most important person in my life, and she's jealous of that. So I'm at my own place. Guilted into being here by my wife. Which is probably wrong. I mean, she is the woman I chose to marry, I should spend more time with her. Although, this last opportunity she had to spend time with me she opted to make me do house work instead. So I can hardly be blamed for there being a lack of husband-wife quality time. I'm tired. ..3 xo.

Disclaimer [15 Jun 2003|03:20am] [ mood | sleepy ] My brother has a journal. Finally. I've nagged hinted at him getting one for a while now. I'm allowing him to rest some after the bike ride before we commence our Nick-Kel time. I'm a nice guy like that. But he only gets one me-less day to rest, because I've missed him far too much. Probably more than a guy usually misses his brother. But hey, we're twins, and he's my best friend. We're close, what can I say? I think Tressa hates how much time we spend together. She's been relishing in this time that he's been on the bike ride and unable to see me. Guess it's not often that I woman feels compelled to compete with her brother-in-law for her husband's attention. Can I help it if I like him more? I kid. She'd murder...no, castrate me if I ever said and meant something like that. She's a fiesty one, I tell you. That's all. I'm tired. ..5 xo.

Disclaimer [09 Jun 2003|07:22pm] [ mood | okay ] I didn't even realize it had been a while since I wrote in here. I've actually been more or less keeping busy. At the least, I did two public service announcements (thus far) for the Stuttering Foundation of America. I'm very pleased with how they turned out. They're very poignant, and I think they get the message across perfectly -- that there is help out there for those who need it. I'm hoping to see more donations coming in thanks to my site, so we'll see. And Kelly is off raising money for AIDS. We're such good boys, aren't we? I was planning to get together with any number of former Buffy castmates recently, but that thought sort of fell through. I got caught up in actually doing some things aside from house work. So I suppose I should try giving some of them a call...or, you know, actually unlurking and talking to them. Heh. I know I would definitely like to talk to Tom, just to name one person specifically. Doesn't mean I want to talk to the rest of you any less... A happy belated to birthday to Danny, as well. Hope it was a good one, man. Now back to lurking... ..8 xo.

Disclaimer [30 May 2003|05:12pm] [ mood | content ] Ah look who is updating again! It's not been too long since I've written in here, but I have been pretty much keeping to myself aside from mandatory appearances...and like grocery shopping and stuff. I'm still getting accustomed to not really being busy. I should sit back and enjoy it but I'm eager to get out there and work. I've still got a lot of progressing to do as an actor and that won't happen if I'm just sitting around on my tail. Of course, when a pilot doesn't get picked up, there's little I can do about it. But I'm hoping FOX will pick it up midseason. Who knows. I had an E! Online chat Monday. Emma did too. I had the first half, and then the questions were all for her. Some nice, interesting questions about the show, and I took it upon myself to pimp Tom's comedic talent and his smoldering good looks. Talk about killing two stones with one bird! ;) Speaking of Emma, she must've been drunk when she wrote that hotlist of her's because I didn't see my name on it. Oh, I kid. I know I'm not hot. Pssh. Anywho. I need to do...something. Anything. I've been playing house-husband (cooking, cleaning, etc...I think Tressa enjoys seeing me in an apron) too much as of late and I'm aching to do anything else. Well, Kyle and Christian have come by and few times and played video games with me, but that's about it. At least I get to see two of my brothers. I should probably see what Aly has been up to. Oh. Or maybe I could go pay a random visit to Sarah in Canada! Hmm. That is if she'd want me around. We'll see. And at some point I plan on doing something with Kelly before he goes off on his...Tour de California or whatever it is. I'm not sure what we'd do. There's got to be plenty of hell to raise things for us to do. Heh. And this concludes the latest installment of...my journal. Peace, kiddies. And I mean it. There's too much infighting in the cult "family". It makes Nick sad :'( ..13 xo.

Disclaimer [23 May 2003|01:10am] [ mood | sleepy ] I'll unlurk soon. I swear. Tom dropped by the other day. I hadn't seen him since...certain things happened. I guess he had fought with Danny and Danny kicked him out and I'm sure everyone already has all the details since I'm slow. So he stayed the night here. Which was nice. I needed a little guy time since Tressa has had me bonding with her so much lately which has been completely throwing off my plans of spending lots of time with Kelly before June. Ah, well. Anywho. It appears that Danny and Tom have worked things out and are now engaged. Congratulations guys! I wish you all the happiness in and world and then some. You two truly are good for each other. Yeah so I haven't done much aside from Buffy-related appearances and...a little auditioning. I don't think I figured things would be quite so slow after Buffy wrapped up. I of course have been watching the last epsiodes and I cried during the finale. It was a very manly sort of crying, trust me. Heh. Ok. I'm done. willunlurksoonwillunlurksoonwillunlurksoonwillunlurksoon. ..3 xo.

Disclaimer [16 May 2003|11:39pm] [ mood | okay ] Well, I didn't end up getting to go to Canada. Tressa guilt tripped me out of it. So, since I haven't been spending much time with her lately, I've been making it up to her. I know I could've taken her to Canada, but I was looking forward to that trip being Nicky-Kelly time, and it just wouldn't have went well because she would've known that I didn't actually want to be there with her. So, not too much else has been up. I'm laying low, keeping out of the way of drama. Which is the best way to go, I think. I've been keeping an eye, more or less, on the auctioning going on on my site. And I think the foxauction on ebay may have some props of mine, I don't recall. I find that without Buffy my life is a little less interesting. Well, without steady work. I've got appearances and auditions. Definitely gonna have to hit the audition scene since Fox didn't pick up The Pool at Maddy Breakers. Which isn't all that disappointing. I mean, you win some, you lose some. I do have some things coming up. Emma and I have an online chat, and then in August I've got that David Boreanaz event in England. Happy birthday to David, incidentally. Maybe I'll come out of hiding soon and unlurk. Maybe. ..5 xo.

Disclaimer [12 May 2003|08:02pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Let It Go // Common Rotation ] I'm still alive. I'm just lurking hardcore. I guess you can say Lurker is my middle name. Er..actually Brendon is my middle name, but you know, close enough. I haven't been up to a whole hell of a lot so I really have nothing to write about other than to reassure my livelihood and to lurk. :lurk lurk lurk: ..5 xo.

Disclaimer [09 May 2003|02:01pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | the once more, with feeling soundtrack heh ] I know I haven't been Mr. Social lately. Guess I've just been needed Nicholas Time to think through some things. And Kelly keeps dragging me along for his training sessions. Apparently being my twin gives him reason to impede on me time. Darn him anyway. I'm thinking I might go to Canada for that Buffy reunion that Sarah's invited everyone too. I may drag Kelly along. He's a two episode alumnus after all. We really have been spending an awful lot of time together lately. More than we usually do. We'll get sick of each other soon enough, and then he'll have that bike thing to do so it all works out nicely. Ok, I really have nothing to say. I'll just go back to lurking doing house work. ..8 xo.

Disclaimer [05 May 2003|06:53pm] [ mood | confused ] Well, I certainly had an eventful weekend. My wife is like, MIA or something. Or maybe she told me and I just forgot. Heh. And Kelly's been around a lot. Anyway, Tom showed up on my doorstep Saturday, all teary and sniffling asking if he could stay the night. Naturally I said he could. Let him cry on my shoulder and talk to me about what happened with him and Danny. Yesterday Kelly and I went out briefly to shop for a few things. I guess Danny came over to apologize and work things out. He and Tom were sitting on the couch watching tv when Kel and I got back. And then...they made up some more on my couch. Heh. And then Adam came over and more...interesting things happened, but let's not get into that right now. I'm still not entirely sure what to think of it. Yeah and Aly sort of...caught me in a bad moment, I guess. So it did have a little to do with being in the company of Adam, Tom, and Danny but hello of course that's going to cause a little bit of tension. But I guess for the most part it was me still seething over that lovely conversation we had a week or so ago. Probably not something worth hanging on to or getting all bitchy on one of your best friends about...but...I don't know. I feel bad, though, just not to the point of feeling the need to apologize. Yet, anyway. I still need a bit of a cool off period. I have other things to sort out. I think I should find something...to, uh, occupy myself with. Perhaps I can do some brotherly harrassing. edit : and a very very happy birthday to Vince! although it seems to not be so happy. Sorry, man :\ ..1 xo.

Disclaimer :lurk: [04 May 2003|02:16am] [ mood | lurkish ] I found the Common Rotation show to be pretty enjoyable. As did Kelly. We spotted a few familiar faces there, namely Tom, Eliza and Vince. Kel and I decided to linger around them for the show, but we were pretty wrapped up in the twin bonding thing. And there was a lot of drinking going on. And we got drunk. Kelly got more drunk than I did but if he had a journal (and dammit he should) he'd be saying I drank more. Good thing we took a cap since neither of us was willing to play DD. Adam sweats a lot. His "dancing" is amusing. Not that I can do any better so I won't comment. We all saw me try to bust a move in Once More, with Feeling. Kelly still teases me about being out of sync in the dance number with Emma. He's so mean to me! I'm clearly the nicer twin. He's all prepping for his big biking thing. He's trying to get me to train with him. To, like, go on long rides with him. I think he's insane, but knowing him he'll find a way to coax me into doing this. He thinks I need to lose weight anyway. Oh, how I love my brother. But, he's doing this for a good cause, and he did it last year and since he's got a pretty high goal for how much money he wants to raise, I suppose I should help him. Since I am the good brother. I wonder if I should be worried that I don't remember what happened in the time between getting home via cab and passing out. All I recall is Kel being with me still and Tressa not being home. Everything else is a nice blur. Kelly is such a bed hog. I'm surprised I didn't wake up on the floor! Eliza is plotting to spam my journal. I'm plotting my revenge. Oh, yeah. And welcome to Amber, David, and Charisma! :-* This post is so full of links and pointlessness. Oh well. ..20 xo.

Disclaimer [02 May 2003|03:56pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | The Bitter End // Placebo ] Well, fortunately there seems to be another Common Rotation show tonight. Like, late tonight. But that's ok. I'm still going and it'll still be a good time. I'm going to see if Kelly wants to come along with me. Tres'll probably be mad if I don't ask her so I won't tell her I'm going. I'm bad, I know. I could ask Aly I suppose since she wants to hang out, but I think I'm due for some quality twin time. Perhaps I'll even go clean-shaven and sans glasses so that Adam will have to guess who is who. Heh. I know, it's immature, but Kel and I still enjoy playing that game. I mean, come on, if you all had identical twins you'd switch places and go out of your ways to confuse people as well! We also blame things on each other. Which is another benefit/downside of having a twin, depending on which side of the blaming you're on. I really have nothing else to write about at the moment. I do have a countless number of thoughts running through my head, but some of them aren't going to be put down here yet, and some just wouldn't be worth the time it'd take to write about them. ..7 xo.

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