| meh.. |
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| 10:58am 22/04/2003 |
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mmmeeeehhhh....i dont wanna wake up...i guess ill call somone later an hopefully we can finally hang out. |
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| a sole purpose for existance. |
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| 04:32pm 21/04/2003 |
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mood:  cynical music: you complete me-stabbing westward, darkest days.
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is it fate when you get hit? is it fate to fall to the ground? does everything have to happen the way its scripted..do we have control over our own actions..or must we be puppets on a string. i dont know and i dont care anymore.heart broken once shame on you, twice, shame on me, three times..no more heart. im giving up on all of this romantic bullshit..i cant win no matter the situation anymore..and most people know thta i dont give up...but for the time being i have to concentrate on wednesday..i need anger i need rage..i need me i need what i once was back...and i thank everyone who has contributed to it in the past week...wish me luck as i kick the shit outta this world and teach it to not fuck with a psycho with nothing to lose.*tosses medication out the window and grabs microphone* |
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| more than ever. |
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| 11:24pm 20/04/2003 |
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mood:  angry music: wont back down-fuel
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ok..confusion seems to be my norm. i fish in a river with no water..hell yeah its easy..lol.....all i want is to know...i know that im loved..i know that im cherished..that im irreplaceable...but sometimes i cant help but feel forgotten.i want to help. i want to be there. i want to be needed. i want to belong. but getting what you want never comes. they say that you have to work hard for what you want.. how do you work hard for what you want if theres a wall in your way that wont come down. i watched macguyver and i still dont know how to make abomb outta a toothpick dental floss and a tampon. but oh forget it...im getting mad now..later all. |
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| YAY work.. |
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| 02:57am 20/04/2003 |
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mood:  amused music: DJ Sammy-california dreamin
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yeah thats sarcasm...my superviser was like..YOUNG WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? then he gave me two newbies to train.lol i was like..uh ok...and then he put me back on the frontlines..oh handle 6000 raging assholes behidn the wheels of there cars...by ..yourself. there was a volleyball tournament and a baseball game...oh god..that sucked..and traingin those two..oh god i was like..watch..make this car go this way..make that one go that way.simple yes? but no....then the parking structure ran outta parking stalls so i had to run around all 5 floors looking to send people ti was horrible.then i had to make them exit all by myself..oh god...then all i got at the end of hte night was nice job....and i was like..damn i shoulda got paid extra..thats alot of pressure...all that responsiblity...oi..beer good ngiht night. |
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| i dont wanna.. |
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| 06:12pm 19/04/2003 |
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dammit i have to go back to work tonight..i dont wanna go back...WWWAAAAAHHHH...oh well here come the money..lol |
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| Bad week..comes to a close.. |
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| 11:01pm 18/04/2003 |
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I consider this the end of my week.lol...god damn i had nothing to look forward to this week at all...my exs are all coming together at one place to strike me dead..lol..no. im just really confused....2 exs called me today just to say they love me....and i was like...ok...what did i do now? but yeah....apparently i have matured alot in the past year..and i look different from what one remembers....and im not the one that one remembers..or some shit liek that...but the one i worry about is the one i wsa getting werious with...form talkign all the tiem to practiacally just not tlaking at all...pusing each other away...and not knowing y. i mean its simple to understand..but i know im strong enough to take it....i just dont realyl want to..i hate being helpless and not really having any say how things go. I just wnated to be happy..hold my head up high and say finaly i have her. but i have to relax and take it easy and wait for it to come to me...I HATE WAITING!!! one of my relationships was ALL watiing...and it didtn realyl work..i waited in vain. she found somoen else by the time the wait was over...but so did i ..mainly becasue i was tired of waiting and a gorgeous angel of a girl fell in my lap..literally....but now i relaize that you never EVER go for that girl that seems perfect..you need to know there faulst b4 hand...that way you can learn to love them from the getgo...otherwise you may not like what you find......i have one woman that i hold hight than others becasue she was alwasy there...well she wasnt but she tried. and i tell her this all the tiem..not becaue i like beign irritating but becasue she deserves it..lol but now i have grown up and realize that shes happy. and that i should support her everyway i can..even if i am still jealous..her happiness means alot to me..so giving advice when i see her creating the same problems we faced...was easy to do. but all i can say is one day when she returns to me..ill welcome her back with open arms and a heart that is hers...but until then i have given it to another and right now..its sitting on the shelf waiting for her...i just dont watn to be alone anymore. i hate it..i wsa alone for so long..and it hurt. because i see all my freind smove on..and i see so much that reminds me of so many women...and damn i wish i could get a new room..lol...but well on to the future...and as i end this and decide to go drink myself into a stupor....i love you robyn, kamey...thank you for making me who i am. |
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| hey. |
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| 11:50pm 16/04/2003 |
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i figured id just post a message saying that im alive..and im not feeling as psychotic now..gimem a few hours. |
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| MOTHER FUCKING FUNIMATION!!! |
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| 10:20pm 15/04/2003 |
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WHTA THE FUCK IS WRONG WOTH THIS PICTURE?? Y DOES THE FIRST DBGT DVD START WITH EPISODE 17??? AND Y THE HELL IS THERE JUST A LITTLE RECAP OF THE OTHER EPISODES??? WHAT THE FUCK????? |
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| a light among the shadows. |
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| 02:59pm 15/04/2003 |
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mood:  artistic music: while im gone-3 doors down
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there is a light in the shodows that he dosent know, that he dosent recognize. The light is unfamiliar. he survives the darkness to know only that which he hates. purity, love, happiness....what are these thoughts? How does one attain them he asks himself....y try to understsand that which you cannot acheive? lonliness, decay, suffering, freinds that have been by his side since the day he could stand to remember anything. The light he touches warm, soft, unyeilding. He thinks this is the thing called love..but as the light begins to wander farther from his position he chases it....after feeling it he yearns for it...the love of someone is priceless...but losing that love is the biggest price.....as he makes the realization ..that love comes and gos...and leaves a trail of carnage and chaos in its wake he looks to the sky and begins to tear...he screams a name...the name of his life...the name of his god, the reason he suffers, the reason he lives.....the reason he dies a little inside each night more lonely than the next. and as he stares up to the sky screaming in agony, crying the tears of a thousand faults he curses to himself....god let me be saved....*loud bang* |
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| wow... |
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| 06:45pm 14/04/2003 |
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mood:  calm music: Stitches- Orgy
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I was so damn bored today i actually finished cleaning my room...(its all hiding under hte bed)....but yeah...no more hangover...just emotional break down...oi..i realized that something ALWAYS happens when it comes to me being happy...i have one shot of happiness then everything just turns to shit..and im getting sick of wading through it...well anyways im just using today to rant and moan about the fact that i have so many exs.. and my black rose is wilting..(AAAHHH symbolism.) But i guess that just means something good is gonna happen..*puppy dog eyes and hands folded looking up* RIGHT ??? RIGHT???? but yeah..its gonna be a long night i got rehearsal and im just hoping that my guys finally got their shit together cuz i know i do.
thanks for listening. |
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| ow..head hurts |
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| 03:45pm 13/04/2003 |
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mood:  drained music: when im gone (album version)-3 doors down
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too much alcohol..but yeah..things went well lsat night..just like the good old days..i had them eating outta the palm of my hand...well more like i was doing shots outta chicks belly buttons....*thinks back to when i used to drink water outta my exs belly button* ah thats the stuff..i need more water....im SOO sluggish......but well just wanted to say that i guess im sorta back to normal...i missed my old freinds..and i missed the adrenaline rush of the stage...ok talk to you all laters.. |
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| im awake..im awake i swear...lol |
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| 09:21pm 12/04/2003 |
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mood:  awake music: orange crush-R.E.M
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Ok good news.....bands got a gig on the 23rd at bedroq bar and grill whoo hoo..finally outta hte damn studio..its been so long since i have been influenced by a crowd..yay alcohol...lol...well im going out tonight to forget all my troubles all hte pain..and everything..and to just have fun and let loose....oh god do i need it..im so tired..and im emotionally exhausted...so later all..and keep on truckin..LMAO |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| another night.. |
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| 01:09am 10/04/2003 |
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mood:  apathetic music: bring me to life- evanessence
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janother night alone..another night thinking of the past...but yet thinking of the future...i have reheasal with my old band..and i guess im not expecting too much....oh well night all.. |
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| hey all |
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| 07:12pm 09/04/2003 |
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mood:  grateful music: listeing to yu yu hakusho
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just wanted to let everyone know im still alive..and i think i am..cuz i feel pain...OOOWWWWW i need to go to the hospital soon. laters. |
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| calm |
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| 11:16pm 08/04/2003 |
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mood: calm music: bother- stone sour
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I cant beleive it ..i got addicted AGAIN...i am playing that extra disk i got when i bought my zelda the wind waker...im playing ocarina of time again...and i love that game so much more than the new one...damn..im addicted all over again....bark bark bark |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| bored and pissed |
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| 07:28pm 08/04/2003 |
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mood: annoyed music: lying from you- linkin park, meteora
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ok does it make sense to charge 250 dollars for me to get a clearance to go back to work? and how do they expect me to pay it IF I CANT GET CLEARED TO WORK!!!...oi..that sucks..not to mention the meds i was on didnt do a goddamn thing!!!!!!! so looks like i have to visit the urgent care office tomora so i can have them charge me MORE money to say oh heres more meds..wait ANOTHER week and then come back so we can charge you more money. |
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| im awake... |
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| 05:07pm 08/04/2003 |
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mood: awake
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rhar...im awake...but oh well..thats all i gots to say |
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| morning |
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| 11:38am 08/04/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy music: pain-rail808, liar
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morning everyone......*falls back into bed*..night everyone... |
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| Reality |
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| 11:09pm 07/04/2003 |
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mood:  determined music: figure09-linkin park, meteora
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I realized. I have to do everything in my power to make ME happy. I am usually quite miserable throughout the day..maybe im lonely or sumthing..i miss the good old days when i was a popular. I could go out any night of the week come home smashed wihtout spending a single dollar...drinks poured women swooned. Now i dont go out i keep to myself. I think i need to go out this weekend. I have to. I want to reclaim my place among the local gods of rock. i want to be me. I need to be myself. and do what makes me happy. Sing from the heart and never let anything ever come inbetween me and music ever again. |
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| uh..i dunno |
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| 10:24pm 07/04/2003 |
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mood:  anxious music: easier to run-linkin park, meteora
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my hearings all fucked up..and i want to get some sleep but i need to sing so meh. |
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