The Silvery Threads Of Moondrool's Journal

Sunday, August 6, 2006

2:01AM - After So Long

I can't believe it has been so long since I have made an intry in this blog. A lot has transpired in my life since I last posted. I have celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband Thomas, whom I am deeply in love with. I also celebrated my 44th birthday.....WOW! I can't hardly believe it. I mean I don't look a day over 30, for real...hahahahaha. It is a good thing too because my husband in 33, soon to be 34 and I have to stay young looking for him.
Another thing is I was diagnosed with Colon cancer and had to have major surgery. I lost my Sigmoid Colon, some of my small intestines and the cancer had grown to my bladder. I am much better now though. I got a Portacath put in and on the 9th of this month I will be starting Chemo therapy. I went for my teaching session on the 4th and they told me some of the things to look for. Of course there is the obvious, hair loss. Sores in the mouth, weakened immune system, physical weakness, severe nausea...some I wasn't prepared for are extreme sensitivity to cold, no more ice cream or ice water, at least not until chemo is over and if everything goes well, I should be through in Feburary. I can't even reach into the refigerator without gloves on....sensitivity to the flashes and chills....oh and for 3 days after each session I will have severe bone pain, but it will subside until the nest session.
I will be going in every 2 weeks for 3 day intervals for 12 sessions. It will take approx. 6 months, if I am able to have sessions on time. The first day I will be there for five and a half hours, the 2nd day 3 hours, the 3rd day 15 minutes.....I will do that every 2 weeks. I saw the Chemo room, they have recliners and a large screen tv, but you know all those women are gonna wanna watch soap operas....which I can't stand.
I have been doing a lot of crocheting lately, since I can't work..and I don't know how the chemo is going to affect me as far as work is concerned.....I really need to go back to work as soon as I can....we need to money I used to make....
I was staying at my mothers while I got better and that was nice, I am a mama's girl and have enjoyed being back home for a while.
I know noone will read this blog because I have been forgotten by anyone who actually read it way back when, it is really more for myself that I sit here and type this now, anyway....
I really wish I has something clever to say, but I just can't think of anything at this time.

Current mood: thankful
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Wednesday, February 4, 2004


I think I don't get enough sleep. I work nights and just can't stand to sleep during the day. So basically the only sleep I get are on my nights off. Thankfully I am only working 3 days a week from now on. I have worked like 9 days in a row and by the 5th day I have to sleep some during the day, but it is usually no more then 3 or 4 hours and I wake up, wide awake. If someone is here then I don't even sleep that much. I just can't seem to relax. I wish I didn't have to sleep at all. I really don't like to sleep. I always feel I could be doing something else. I look at people who just love to sleep and sleep til noon and later and it baffles me. I used to take over the counter sleep aides, but that didn't last long.

You never realize how much shit you can accumalate until you are trying to move. I have only been living here since October of last year and already I have amassed more crap than I know what to do with. i am going to throw some of it out. I am not a pack rat and I have thorough house cleanings about 4 times a year.

My Boyfriend and I have been seeing one another almost 6 months now. I am in love with him, which is kinda funny, because this time last year I was in love with another man. Love is funny like that. I give my heart easily, but never lightly. I don't have any of those hangups people have about committment and relationships. I love to be in love and am much happier when I have a man to devote myself to.

Stress can make your chest muscle hurt. I know because lately mine have been in constant pain. I am going to be going into a very stressful situation, one that can't be changed immediately, but is suppose to be temporary. I only pray that it is. If it turns out to be something else entirely then I will have to rethink my position.

I am a very giving person by nature, and that oftentimes puts me in a postion to be taken advantage of. I am tender hearted almost to a fault and have a hard time telling people no. Often I am over loaded with peoples problems and activities that I really don't want to be involved in. If it goes on too long, I usually blow and it just gets ugly from there. I wind up stomping off refusing to even be involved at all. Then guilt sets in and I feel bad for acting poorly. Before it is over I have come back, picked up where I left off and just suck it up.....then the chest muscles get a stress work-out.

My best friend moved to Pa while I was out of town and I didn't get to hug her bye...I miss her so much I want to cry, but she is going back home and that is the best thing for her right now. Besides, I am moving to Jacksonville Fla this weekend. So, we wouldn't be seeing one another much anyway. Oh, how life can change for one day to another. Makes you kinda wonder what tomorrow will bring huh?

Current mood: melancholy
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Saturday, January 24, 2004


Well, it has been a long time since I updated, but I hope to be able to be back into the swing of things now that I have cable internet. I had internet for a while after I moved out of the motel, but it was dialup and it was so slow it just frustrated me and I would threaten my computer with an ax every time I used it.

Ok, as to updates. I am still with Thom, and things are going great. it is a very different experience in the relationship department for me, because his family is very present in his life. All of the men I have dated for any significant amount of time in the past ween't so involved with family, either because family lived so far away or they simply didn't have any. I will confess it can be very trying, but I am hopeful it will all even out in the end.

I am still working as a Pediatric Home Health Nurse. I think I am going to make a change in my career though, I am just tired of the nursing field in general, or maybe I just need to get into a different field of nursing, I just don't know yet. it would be easier to try a different field of nursing than to totally switch careers of course. besides, I am a good nurse and I really do enjoy it.

Well, Valentines Day is coming up. I already have Thom's card bought, but not his gift. I am thinking of a bracelet or something like that. I do know that I do not like flowers and candy for Valentines.....I told Thom that and he said well that is what I give, I told him I don't want candy because I am dieting and flowers never did anything to excite me. I would rather have a new nightie, or a lotion gift basket from Bath and Body works or soemthing like that. I think I am going to surprize him with a night in a lavish hotel and get a room with a jacuzzi. I love to be romantic at times. I am not overy romantic, but I do enjoy candles and scented oils and stuff like that, but not all the time.

I am finding this very difficult to get back into the swing of things with this blog, besides, anyone who did read it is long gone..there is nothing here now but me and the hamsters...thank goodness for them..

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Tuesday, September 2, 2003


Ok, last time I reported, I was seeing the Cuban lover...well, that didn't last long for reasons I will keep to myself....I then started seeing Robert, he drives one of the dump trucks that the before mentioned Joe was in charge of. Well, now that is over too. Lately I have been spending time with Tom, a carpenter. He is a different looking person. He is covered in tattoos and multiple body piercings...(including his tongue...woohoo) slow down I haven't experience it yet, but when I do, without getting graphics I will let you know if it is as exciting as I hear it is. He is very intelligent, as all my men must be. He shaves his head and is rather beefy. I am not sure where this will go, but it will be interesting to see. He likes me more than I like him, which is really a new thing with me. Usually I fall for men who are rather aloof and I always think I am more into them than they are to me, but sunce I moved to Savannah it has been nonstop men. I am shocked as shit. I mean I have never had a hard time attracting men, but this is insane...I love it though.

I don't have much time, but I will try to update more ya all.....Wendy

Current mood: flirty
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Ok, last time I reported, I was seeing the Cuban lover...well, that didn't last long for reasons I will keep to myself....I then started seeing Robert, he drives one of the dump trucks that the before mentioned Joe was in charge of. Well, now that is over too. Lately I have been spending time with Tom, a carpenter. He is a different looking person. He is covered in tattoos and multiple body piercings...(including his tongue...woohoo) slow down I haven't experience it yet, but when I do, without getting graphics I will let you know if it is as exciting as I hear it is. He is very intelligent, as all my men must be. He shaves his head and is rather beefy. I am not sure where this will go, but it will be interesting to see. He likes me more than I like him, which is really a new thing with me. Usually I fall for men who are rather aloof and I always think I am more into them than they are to me, but sunce I moved to Savannah it has been nonstop men. I am shocked as shit. I mean I have never had a hard time attracting men, but this is insane...I love it though.

I don't have much time, but I will try to update more ya all.....Wendy

Current mood: flirty
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Monday, July 28, 2003

2:54PM - Joe Is almost Out, Lewis Is In

Ok, in my last post I told you that I was seeing a guy named Joe. Well, that has kinda fizzed out and now I am seeing this totally gorgeous dude named Lewis. He is a fine ass Cuban man. Not that this matters, but I just can't believe it actually, he has money. Joe had money too, but he is so damned tied up with his crew he rarely wants to leave the motel to go out and I love to party. That is the main reason we have fizzed out. Lewis isn't so anal about his job. he likes to go out and he likes to wine and dine the ladies. It is different though, because Cuban men do things differently than American men. Lewis had one of his men, Pedro, bring me one long stem red rose. I don't know why he sent Pedro to do it, and not bring it himself.

Oh may there is another guy that works with them, Alfredo. Oh my God, he is drop dead gorgeous too. I tell you, these Latin men can rule the world as far as I am concerned. DAMN!

I am still in Savannah. I am still spending a lot of time on Tybee Island, everyone there seems to love me to death. It is scarey the way they all seem taken with me. I think I may have found my spot on this earth.

I want to invite you all to come visit me when I get moved into a house in Oct.

Current mood: working
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Friday, July 18, 2003


I want to report a few changes in my life lately. I know some of you have been wondering what is going on with me. Well, I will be glad to tell you.

I moved to Savannah, and have been working a job there.

Jefferson and I are no longer even talking much less friends. I can't really go into that right now, maybe soon.

I am seeing a new man, I just met him, so I don't know what is going to become of it. I am still in love with Jefferson, so it is going to go slow. He is a very nice man named Joe. He owns a dump truck company and has about 14 trucks with him while they are doing the landscaping for the new Diamond Chrystler plant to open up in Savannah, also there is going to be a Boeing open up and they will do that job too. He is also doing some of the work alone interstate 16 here in Georgia. He is very interesting and I like him alot. I will keep you posted. He told me he is a retired US Marshall..Hmmmm I find that hard to believe, there was supposedly some mystery surrounding his retirement. I am gonna see what is what.

Melissa is still with her Biological family, and I think she is having a great time. I suspect she get to do what she wants to and is happy with that...what teenager wouldnt be? I think she is going to want to stay there for good. I am down with that, as long as she makes good grades and stays out of trouble.

I don't have internet access where I am, because I am staying in a motel and they are weirded out by it all....I am going to move to a new location. I am waiting for the tourist season to be over so I can move out on the Island and wont have to pay an arm and a leg for rent. So until then I am spoiling myself with motel living. so far it is great. I figure by the time the tourist season is over, I will be sick of it.

Well, that is all for now, there is more going on but the biggest thing is Jefferson hates me and thinks I am phycho. Oh and he has a new girlfriend as well.

Oh, I forgot to say, I had a birthday on July 10th. Also, my tender_in_the_night account in yahoo is no is back to tender_lamb again. Let me hear from you all.....

Current mood: melancholy
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Wednesday, June 25, 2003

1:54PM - Gifts From Afar

Wow, it has been a long long time since I was here to update. I have been in Savannah working and staying in a motel. Missy is gone to her dads for the summer, and may go to live with her biological family some afterwards. She is at last ready to go do that. I have always kept the door open to her to call them or see them, but she never wanted to, but now that she is older, she is ready.

So, I have been in Savannah a lot like I was saying. I don't have an apartment yet, but I am looking. It is harder than I thought it would be to find just the right place. So, I can't get on-line much these days. maybe soon.

So, I saw Jefferson last week, and he brought me the gifts he picked up for me while over seas. He surprized me with one...

We went back to the motel where I was staying after having supper together. He won a stuffed animal from one of those machines with the claws at the resturant..a cute dinosaur and he won a hulk, but he kept that one. So, we get to the room, and he makes sure the lighting is just right, tells me to sit down in a chair at the desk, he was on the couch next to it. He was grinning and loving every minute of it..I was excited..

So, he brings out the first gift. It was from France, the first place he went. It is still in the original bag and everything. That was cool as shit, seeing how they package things and all. Well, what does every woman want from France? Perfume, and he didn't disappoint me. It was a beautiful bottle inside a gorgeous box covered in crushed velvet. Oh my, it smells wonderful!! I was beside myself with glee, and was so pleased.

Ok, then, he went to Crete, so he gave me the gift from there next. People, I have no idea what it is...Hahaha, no, for real. I mean I know it is a Centaur, actually it looks like the emblem for Saggitarius. It is made of metal and has a very unique paint job on it..don't get me wrong, I love love love it, I just don't know what it is. I can't tell if it is a paper weight, kinda big for that, or a plaque, can't see a place to hang it on the wall. It could be a plant ornament, or a won't stand on its own...really I just have no idea.
I am going to make a windchime with it, and let that be the top part. Now, I just have to figure out what to hang from it. I really dont want to do metal, rather maybe find out what is common to Crete. I just don't know. I do know that I want it where I can see it a lot.

Next, he went to Slovenia, but he didn't get me a prize from there, that stingy ol meanie..he bought himself a new guitar though. Which he played and for me and sang. He even sang me a lullaby to help me go to sleep. He is a complete sweetie pie!!!

Last but not least he went to England. He asked me in an e-mail what I wanted from there. I finally told him a decorative teapot. Well, let me tell you what that sweetie did. He got me a really big teapot and 2 huge teacups and huge saucers, and 3 boxes of tea!!! I was so surprised!! It is beautiful too.

He sat grinning the whole time and was really loving all of my ooohhh's and aaahhh's, and he loved giving me the gifts, which by the way was the best gift of all.

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Sunday, June 8, 2003


Ok, I just feel like ranting tonight. I don't really have a subject, just rambling nonsense.

I am going to talk about the things that really bug my ass. Well, some of them. Like, you know those pump bottles of lotion and whatnot? How come the tube that sucks the stuff up to be squirted out never goes all the way to the bottom? I have about 1/8 of a cup of lotion in the bottom of my bottle and I have to screw the top off and hold it upside down and beat the bottle before I can get some. it is wonderful lotion. I bought it at Sally Hansens. I walked in and said,"Give me the best lotion and moisturiser you sell here". The saleslady gave me Hemp, and it is really great.

You know how when you break up with a guy and you both decide to stay friends and all? Then he gets to where he doesn't call you much anymore? I hate that with a passion. If my passion were a color, it would be deep purple. That same deep purple of bruises and bloodless skin in a persons face when they are consumed wirth anger. Even a friend keeps in touch.

I hate it when I am talking to someone and if they don't approve of what I am saying they will put forth a disapproving silence to hang in the air between you and them. They will give a slight tilt of the head and may even twitch an eyebrow. Who the hell are they to approve or disapprove of me in any respect? I am a grown woman and pay my own bills by cracky, and I don't need or ask for the approval of anyone. Ha! So much for your puny attempts at intimidation.

I hate the way my boss will punish me when she doesn't like something I have done but can't do anything about it right then. I asked her awhile back if she could cover me while I moved my furniture out of the house I was in. I was sick with bronchitis and under a doctors care, and it was so hot, when I breathed that hot air in, my lungs felt like they weighed 10 lbs apiece. I didn't call her and say, I couldn't work, I asked her if she could cover me. Oh yes she assured me, no problem. But, when I tried to go back to work, there didn't seem to be anything to do. Hmmm imagine that, no work. yeah right, no work my fat ass. She just wanted to get me in a financial bind and make things hard for me. Her little power play. Grrrrrrr.

My daughter is driving me crazy. We got into it the other night and she ran away. I called the cops and waited all night. The mother of one of her friends called the next morning to say Missy was there. I called the cops and they went and picked her up. I told her and the social worker and the cops that if she did that again, I was going to call the cops, lock the door and go to bed. I f I had to work the next morning I was going to go to work and she could sit there until I got off and could come after her. I said if she was grown enough to walk off, she was grown enough to find her way back. I have basically had it, and they all know it. A person can only take so much, even from their very own child.

Ok, that ought to do it for this session, I feel some better, thanks for your attention.

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003

8:58PM - The Misadventures Of Jefferson And Wendy.....issue no.1

Ok, so I told ya Jefferson was back, and I also told ya we had an adventure. Misadventure would be a better word.

Last Monday night we decided we were going to play board games and get drunk. It was decided we would do shots. We went to town and Jeff bought a bottle of Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay Rum. I bought a bottle of Orange Twist Vodka. Together they equaled a fifth.

We decided to play Justice League Monopoly. Our shots were determined on the number rolled, or if you rolled doubles. Jefferson's number was 6 and mine was 10. If anyone rolled these numbers we had to take a shot. It was me, Jeff and my daughter Missy playing. Missy of course was not drinking shots..heh. If a person rolled a double they had to do a shot as well.

Well, as you can imagine the liquor ran out fast. We decided to go get another fifth of Parrot Bay, because that Vodka was wayyy strong. We got the fifth and came back and resumed the game. That fifth was soon gone. We were quite drunk at this point and decided we needed beer. Yeah beer, because we had drank 2 fifth of the harder stuff. It was time to take it easy.

So, we drove back into town ( I know, I know), pulled in at the convenient store and we went in and got the beer. When we got back to the car, I couldn't find the keys. I went back into the store and looked around. I told the cashier that I couldn't find my keys. She looked at me like people look at you when you are drunk, and just repeated every thing I said. "I can't find my keys"..."You can't find your keys"? "I think I lost them in here somewhere"...."You think you lost them in here somewhere?" So, I went back out to the car and we searched high and low for the keys. They were no where to be found. About that time a cop pulled up and went inside. I told Jefferson we were screwed. If he came out to "help" us we would be hauled in for being either DUI or for public drunkenness. Man, it seemed like such a good idea back at the house to go get beer. I told him that we needed to walk down to Tamathas and wait til the cop left and come back after the car. On the way to her house Jefferson realizes he has the keys in his pocket the whole time. Doh! We couldn't just walk back it would look to strange. So we walked on.

Tamatha is my best friend of about 15 years. She only lived like 2 blocks away, so we took the beer and walked to her house. She wasn't home so we sat on her patio drinking and talking.

About 20 minutes later, I think, a car pulled up. It was Tamatha's sister Lisa ans some dude I don't know. We walked around to the carport and talked to them. We told them to go up and check and see if the cop was still there and let us know. They never came back. So, after a while I told Jefferson to walk back up there and peek around the corner and see if he was gone.

He took off and when he was almost to the store I started after him. He came back around the side of the store and when we met in the middle he said the cop was still there and had saw him and told him he might as well come on out and let him see all of him. Hahahaha!!!

So, we decided to out wait the cop. I mean, he had to leave sooner or later, right? On the way back to Tamatha's, a cop car approches us from the front and turns on go the lights. We stop and he gets out. It was Tim, one of my close friends. I was like, "Heyyyyyy Tim, Wassup"? He said something like, "I don't know, you tell me". So we told him.There was no use in lying, he knows me too well. He hung around for a while, then told me to give him my keys and he would go get the car and drive it down to Tamatha's.

He got back and we stood out there talking and laughing for a long time. We went in so I could use the bathroom. Tamatha had left the house unlocked. We told him over and over how we were able to drive home. Well, I did, Jefferson was no help, he kept standing at attention when Tim whistled the Halls Of Montezuma. I was laughing at him. People do crazy shit when they are drunk and think it is very profound. Tim said I was more able to drive than Jefferson was. He gave us every drunk test he knew. The follow my finger test, we failed. The walk with your feet heel to toe for 9 steps in a straight line test, we failed. The ABC's backwards test,we failed. I was like, "Hey Tim that is bogus man, because I can't even do those things when I am sober." He said, I thought you said you weren't drunk.....DOH!
Then he got a call and said he would be right back for us not to leave. I told him I would stay.

He came back in about 15 min, I think, and had a hand held breath-a-lizer. I blew first, and got 0.88, or something like that. I need to find out for sure what it was. He said, you are DUI right now if you drive. Then Jefferson blew, and Tim said "I don't believe this, I have never seen this before, you two blew the same exact thing". Well in my drunken besotted mind I was thinking, how cute and sweet that was, that we blew the same....hahaha.

Tim stayed with us and Tamatha called the police department wanting to know why there was a cop at her house. I suppose Lisa saw us and told her. When she found out what was going on, she said for us to chill there until we sobered up. To crash there as long as we needed to.

Tim told us we could leave at 5:30 am, and drive back to the house. We feel asleep on Tamatha's bed and I woke up miraculously at 6:30, tried to wake up His Majesty, but hew wasn't budging, so I dressed him while he was still laying down, and he woke up enough to walk to the car. Just like the big baby he is....but wow what a cutie pie....

We finally made it home. Crashed on the couch. I was on one end and Jefferson was on the other. I woke up with his toe in my nostril, and he kicked his foot a little. I got up and went to bed.

Jefferson called Missy while we were out, and told her we were talking with Tamatha and would be home later ( I didn't want her to know what was really going on). The conversation went word for word like this (I have it saved on the answering machine).

"Hey Melissa this is Jeff. Your mom and I, we're gonna be home in a couple hours, we have been talking to Melissa, and (I interrupt him and say you said Melissa and its supose to be Tamatha) huh? And were gonna be home in a little bit aight? 2 hours, 3, 4, a little bit, that's all, aight? Bye (I say something about her not answering) I was talking to the answering machine"(LOUD LONG BEEP).

I listen to this message at least once a day and get a good laugh. It is so good to have him back.

Current mood: silly
Current music: Listening to Natures music....the rain.
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Wednesday, May 28, 2003

10:30AM - The Long Awaited Return

Friday was an epoch in my life. Jefferson returned to the States. The Truman harbored in Virginia and a couple hours later the Marines from Beaufort, South Carolina were flying home.

Jefferson can't stand pomp and fanfare and wouldn't allow anyone to meet him. But he did contact me and his mom as soon as he could. He was able to reach his mom Friday, but I wasn't home and my family took a message.

I was beside myself I can tell you. I instructed them to give him my new cell number when he called again.
I was working in Savannah on Saturday and I was on my way home, when the phone rang and it was him. I was so excited about hearing his voice. I was expecting him to tell me he was still in Virginia, but he said he was in Beaufort. So, I went and got him and he stayed with me til 2am this morning. He has to report this morning for duty.

It was so very good to see him again. We had a blast and had an adventure which I will share later. I just wanted to catalog his return and make an entry.

More Later...

Current mood: giddy
Current music: No Music, sitting in quiet contemplation
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Tuesday, May 20, 2003

12:04PM - Gotta Get Another Job

Well, I am going to Savannah to look for work. My boss isn't giving me any cases to do and I can't support me and Missy on nothing. I plan to move to Savannah anyway, so I am just going to go there and get a job now.

It will be a long drive for about a month everyday, but it doesn't look like it can be helped. I was going to try to save the money here and then move and get a job, but that plan was kinda blown out of the water.

So, I won't be making any posts I don't suppose for a few days.

take care.....

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Monday, May 19, 2003

1:33PM - I Feel Like I Lost A Really Good Friend

I went to bed crying last night, and as I sit here at my computer, I am crying again. Not the hard body shaking crying that comes from anger and devastation, rather the unstoppable tears that just roll out of your eyes and spill down your face and splash on your breast. Tears that make your nose clogged and your head hurt. Hurtful tears, that come from a tender heart broken. Tears that one crys when they feel rejected and pushed aside.

I used to post on a message board, and I was happy there. Happy to fight with the other posters and mix it up with other people who liked comic books. People who enjoyed the fine art of sarcasm. It was a lot of fun, and it had become a big part of my online social circle. I logged in there several times a day to engage in flame wars.

The older posters who fancied themselves the 'old school' were in fact just an older string of posters than me. There were posters older than them, who said the same thing to them. They sashayed around saying, "you just don't it, you just don't get it", Oh, I got it all right. The truth of the matter is, they had all formed an opinion of me and anything I posted was considered not worth reading. It had become popular to hate me there. I could deal with it, that was my place, the hated girl poster.

Of course some of them refused to believe I was a girl, which I thought was just beyond ridiculous. Just because I knew how to use filthy words and chose to post in a place called the Gutters.

If I was ever funny, and I know I was sometimes, they would never let me know it. But let one of the others say something funny and they were there to give them a shy pat on the back. I didn't expect them to go around saying how funny I was all the time, but every now and then they could have been more into what I was saying.

There were a few there that I really liked and made no secret about it. Too, there are several of them that have blogs and I love to go to their blogs and read them and leave an encouraging comment on them. I just actually loved all the guys there and it really upset me that they seemed to all hate me so much.

What I don't understand is how can they hate me like they do? I haven't done anything but try to be a part of the message boards. They have no idea how much they hurt my feelings over the passed year and how much I have cried.

You might be thinking right about now, well if they upset you so bad why did you want to continue to go back. The answer is plain and simple...I wanted to be near all of them. They are smart and funny and I just wanted to be there with them. Sometimes it was fun and they would let me make a comment on a subject without flaming me and making me have to defend myself.

What finally made me decide to leave after so long and after their repeated attempts to run me off, is the most painful reason of all.

Jefferson. Jefferson, whom I have loved with an everlasting unconditional love has made some comments that have really seared me to the bone. I can't in light of our break-up continue to post where he is. He said I followed him there, which is true and everyone knows it, then he went on to say, ,it was never his idea for me to be there and not to balme him for my presence. God, that hurt. he and I are suppose to be friends still even though we are broken up. I have his car here and have been keeping it for him while he was away so he wouldn't have to pay a large storage fee. I have his comics, boxes of them, and his clothes, and his beloved leather jacket. I can tell you the thought has crossed my mind a couple of times since last night to cut that precious leather jacket into a million tiny peices.I wouldn't actually do it of course, but I have enjoyed picturing what his reaction would be.

He feels that since he was there first, then it is really more his thing than mine. I suppose he is right. I just feel such grief over the whole thing. Like I am mourning the loss of a good friend.

I am still in love with Jefferson, and his cutting comments go deeper than my ability to self heal.

This may all seem silly to you, but to me, it isn't. It is painful, it is hurtful, and I am still tasting my tears. I have a feeling I will for long time to come.

Current mood: crushed
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Sunday, May 18, 2003

9:24PM - On The Edge Of The World

I stood alone on the edge of the world and looked into the vast star strewn sky. I tittered and rocked on the tip of my toes, swaying to and fro, mesmerized by my own mortality. How small we really are when you consider the whole scheme of things. For all my high minded, self important thoughts, one small bump on the head could rob me of them all. This heart that beats in my chest is after all just a muscle and will go the way of the flesh. Decay will prevail after all is said and done.

Yet, there will remain a part of me that will never die. That is the part that holds you so tenderly and gently. You walk in my soul and tread the pathways of my mind. The energy that flows from me to you and back again is always sweetened from the experience. My spirit cries out to yours and the sound reverberates along the halls of my existence. Transcending all earthly barriers, soaring beyond memories and securities of the familiar. Until coming full faced with the one thing that bears all the pain in the universe and still finds a way to thrive and grow, love.

It was there that I saw you. My minds eye capturing the beauty of your kindred spirit. Drawing you in, encompassing you with the liquid streams of joy. Washing over you in a wave of passion. Giving you all that I have and all that I am. Gleaning in return a million years worth of knowledge and wisdom. I formed myself into a little ball of radiating energy and lodged myself in the corner of your heart and I will be happy to reside there until the last star in the galaxy becomes dim and flickers out. I just need a little part of you, to make my world a bigger place.

Current mood: content
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Saturday, May 17, 2003

12:11PM - Memories Of My One And Only Rock Concert

I have only been to see one band in concert. It was Lit. Last May, Jefferson took me to see them at this little funky night club down on Hilton Head Island, SC. They were a cover band for Kid Rock who was playing in Savannah at the Civic Center.

We had went to the club the prior weekend. We normally partied in Savannah, but decided to go out the HHI for something different. Jefferson decided to pull in at the Blue Knight and have a few drinks and check it out. Once we got in there, we talked to one of the guys working there and he told us about the concert and told us to go ahead and get our tickets. So we got them and hung around awhile. There was to be a live band that night..Lawn Jockeys or something like that. They sucked but Jefferson seemed to like them some. We stayed awhile then left and went to Savannah.

The night of the concert I was really excited and nervous. I had never been to a concert before. I had only seen them in movies and on TV. Jefferson was pumped...He knew what was going to happen. He has been to untold numbers of concerts and was really looking forward to it.

So, we got there and there was this long long line. I was thinking, damn, where did all these people come from. Then a guy came out and said "If you already have your ticket form a line over here". So we quickly got in line and it moved really fast. We were inside and the electricity was in the air. I could feel the excitement. We ordered drinks and stood around talking until the cover band started. It was a girl band, and they were very good. I can't remember their name, but I know I enjoyed them very much.

Finally, Lit came on stage. Jefferson was wild and excited and jumping and yelling. I was taking it all in and laughing at him, and his high jinx. He really is this amazing man, when I look at him I am filled with love and wonder.

Then Lit began to play. OH my God, I was not prepared for how it would feel. I could feel the music in every organ inside my body. The place wasn't very big, so the music hit the back and bounced back on me and we got it twice, or at least that is how it felt.

I found myself a comfortable spot in the back next to the bar and stayed there drinking and watching. Jefferson would come to where I was and jump and scream in my face and hug on me wiping his sweat all over me....I loved it...Hahahaha. The he would say, "I'm going back in", and off he would go.

He would be keyed up when he would come back to check on me, one time he grabbed my hair and yanked my head back and just mauled my neck, I LOVED IT!!! Everyone around just laughed and made a comment on his level of excitement. I watched with adoration and he dove back into the crowd and disappeared once again.

He would try to get me to come with him, but I was overwhelmed by it all, I told him I just wanted to check it out and next time I would be more comfortable. I have never been to another concert. he is coming home soon, I wonder if I can talk him into taking me to another one.

Jefferson stole a poster and I still have it. I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at the whole thing and can't wait to do it again. I am just sorry I waited so long to go to a concert.


Current mood: excited
Current music: Audio Slave
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Friday, May 16, 2003

1:26PM - Love That Won't Die

Have you ever just loved someone so much that no matter what, that love wouldn't die? It wouldn't go away to that unknown place that things like love and dreams go to when they are over. No matter what had been said, or done to hurt you, somehow that love was so true and real that it was stronger than the fleeting emotion that caused the pain. No matter how many miles are between you and the person, and no matter how much time passes and you never see them, the love thrives.

Have you ever been riding in a car at night, window down, looking up into the velvet sky, stars twinkling brightly, and smelled your loves cologne? Did you feel like the world was a small cozy place and all you had to do was reach out and touch the moon? Did a familiar contented feeling ease over your body like the warm breath of your lover on your skin during lovemaking?

Does your chest ever get so tight when you think about them that you can't get a good breath because it won't let your lungs expand wide enough to fill up? Do you get that slightly panicked feeling that you won't ever see them again, or that they will suddenly stop loving you?

Love can be the sweetest blessing ever to grace the heart of mankind or the most villainous tormentor to ever ride roughshod over the plains of ones soul.

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Thursday, May 15, 2003

5:49PM - The Sun Touched My Face Today

The sun warmed my face today. The vapory white arms of the breeze reached out from their carefree winding and invited me to embrace. Scents of the earth caressed my nostrils and took me to fond places of my childhood memories.
I looked around at the beauty of nature, basking in the total satisfaction of life. I thought to myself, perfection in its truest form is free for the taking. Just open your eyes and mind, and glean an abundance of the gift we forget we were even given. Unexpected everyday it is lain at our feet, and yet there are moments like these when it comes as a complete surprise.
As wonderful as this life is though, as magnificent are the rare beauties we forget to see, I would trade them all. Yes, I would forfeit a thousands days allotted to me in this span I call my life. Forfeit the suns rays warm and inviting, forfeit the view of a glittering starry night, forfeit it all, for just one night with you.
I would turn my back on the eternal enchantment of natures wonders, close my eyes to the beckoning hills of Heather, ignore the fields of Daises as they dance in the breeze, just for one of your kisses.
For how could they ever strum the strings of my heart the way your smile does? How could the most fragrant of flowers compete with the scent of the warm curve of your neck?
I would delay entering into the gates of the Heavenly city to spend a night with you locked in a 12x14 motel room with smoke so thick it seems to hang on the air, eating nuked food, drinking no name sodas, listening to you play your guitar. Feasting as you spread a banquet of your thoughts and feelings before me. You, just you.
You with your multi faceted deeply intense perception and unexplainable ability to relate to everything around you, is more of wonderment to me than the orbiting of the planets, or the shifting courses of the wind.
Beside you they seem to pale. They are mundane and routine, so expected, but you, you are that once hidden mystery that so tauntingly shimmered just out of my minds grasp. You are that cleansing breath of fresh air so craved on a hot muggy southern night.
The gift that is you, makes me want to give, give to all unreservedly, holding nothing back, til giving I have lost myself. You make me want to be a better person, to transcend my fleshly barriers of self indulgence and ascend into a greater plane of self sacrifice.
Knowing you has allowed me to see. I see so many things that once escaped my narrow vision. I see the beauty and poetry of things so simple. The enchantment of lounging on the couch with a pillow and comforter, skin warm and inviting. Sweetly flavored places to discover, tasting til moans fill the air. Sharing a moment of ecstacy where souls meet and entwine, til it is impossible to know where one begins and the other ends.
You touch me so deeply that I can't tell where this sweet ache is emunating from. When I am in your arms I am at peace and know the true meaning of contentment.

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Monday, May 12, 2003

11:15AM - What Might Have Been

Using a photograph from Michael Jackson's youth, computer experts produced an artificially "aged" image showing what he might have looked like at the age of 44. (

In the documentary, which aired in Britain and the United States this week, Jackson said the only surgery he had had on his face was two operations on his nose to help him breathe more easily so he could hit higher notes. He denied having any surgery done on his lips, cheeks, chin or eyes

He said his face had "squared out" in adolescence, and that he had never done anything to change it. "I have had no plastic surgery on my face ? just my nose," he said.

Does Michael Jackson not realize that there are too many pictures of him floating around for everyone not to realize he is absolutely out of his mind to think we wouldn't notice all the surgeries?

The man has talent, but he is a pervert and a moron. I do not own a single item with his name on it, now will I ever.

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Monday, May 5, 2003

12:08PM - Knocked Out

Ok, I have mentioned that I have been sick and that I went to the doctor and he prescribed me some meds. Well, I finally got them filled on Saturday morning.

I was also going to take Missy and Ashley to Savannah for the weekend, and go to the beach and do some shopping, but it was storming so bad Friday night we didn't go.

I drove home in what I thought was a tornado. Trees were down. I almost hit 3 different trees myself, and wound up in the ditch once, but it wasn't too bad I got my self out.

So, Saturday morning I went to get my meds filled. I took a does on my way back home. I have some Ceclor for the infection, and some Atuss DR syrup for the cough. I took 2 Ceclors, and opened the syrup and took a big slug of it. As an initial dose.

By the time I got home it had hit me. When I went to stand up out of the car, my knees almost buckled. My head was swimming and I was so dizzy. That syrup must have a narcotic in it, I thought. I over medicated myself. I looked on the bottle and the prescribed dose was 1 teaspoon. I have no idea how much I guzzled down.

So, the girls had to help me back and forth to the bathroom, all the rest of the evening. We never made it to the beach, which really is a good thing. I didn't really want to go til I was well. I figured they would throw back their heads and yell, but they were good about it all.

I really feel like crap and I have 4 days to get moved out of my old house. I need to get a storage unit rented today, but I still feel drugged. I have continued to take the meds..I have to get well, even if it means I am knocked out.

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Wednesday, April 30, 2003

10:24AM - GEORGIA- The Quintessential Southern State

Although Georgia is not geographically the most southern state, it is without refute the quinessential southern state. I suppose it is because of the epic movie, 'Gone With The Wind'. Or because of all the Antebellum homes that were spared on Sherman's march to the sea, allowing Georgia to retain a lot of its southern mansions.

I love Georgia. My favorite tree is the Magnolia tree. The large white blossoms have the most pleasing aroma, and the thick dark green leaves look great in arrangements and are a huge favorite to use at weddings. It is an evergreen, so it is not only inexpensive because of the availability, but the leaves have a wonderful rich color year round.

As a child, I would always keep a Magnolia flower in my mothers kitchen window, a time honored tradition that I still carry on at my own home now. I have always been mesmerized by the delicacy of the blossom. You have to be very careful when handling them, because they will bruise so easily. I find that very poetic.

Another favorite blossom that I love to fill my home with is Honeysuckle. The aroma is so sweet and permeates through out the house. It grows wild and is plentiful. I even tie a string around a bunch of it and place it in my car. It doesn't last long, but while it is there, oh my, what a treat.

I love driving on a dirt road, at night with the windows down and the wind blowing through my hair, catching faint whiffs of the different flowers that grow wild in my area. It has a certain soul healing affect. Because it just seems to put everything in perspective. I mean what could be more important than the simplicity of life and your communion with Mother Earth?

Here are a few fun facts about Georgia that someone sent to me, with my added wisdom in the parentheses), I thought they were cute and for the most part surprisingly accurate:

* Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.(possum, it's what's for supper)

* There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.(The only way to handle a snake, is with the handle of a garden hoe)

* There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple
no one's seen before.(My cousin woke up one morning and a spider had spun a web across her shit)

* Squirrels will eat anything.( Pecans are a commodity here....SQUIRRELS MUST DIE!!)

* If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.( I do believe stickers are an evil plot of the government)

* Kudzu grows over an inch every night.( I am scared of that stuff)

* A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.( I have seen that with my own eyes)

* It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.( well, Duh!!)

* People actually grow and eat okra.(It originates from Africa, and was brought over during slavery days. We buy it fried with fried chicken at Churches)

* Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.( Iced Tea is a staple here, there is a perpetual pitcher of tea in my fridge)

* 'Jeet'? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"(We understand it though)

* Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.( same thing as in and out)

* You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.( Believe this, for we live by it)

* You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.( Now, this don't apply to them citified folks)

~~Here are a few more and I enjoy them because they ring true:( my comments )

You know you're from Georgia if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.( How far is Eastman from here? Oh, it's about 30 mins away)

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.(Now, this is totally true, and in Spring and Fall, it happens a lot)

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.( We have plastic sacks and paper sacks)

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.(and there are usually 4 kids screaming in there too)

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.(nuff said)

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
animal, or insect.(ex: Possum Holler, Mule Day, Grits Festival, Catfish Festival)

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.( I never lock my doors, even if I am going to be gone for days)

8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.( Or like me, you don't even have a spare tire)

9. You know what "cow tipping" is.( I have never been, it sounds mean to me)

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup.(some people put ketchup on, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes..yuck)

11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but
requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.(I can prove it too)

12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.(The local Walmart has a cook out)

13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." (Well, if there is a good breeze, it ain't too bad)

14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.( We have almost as many air conditioner repair places as we do churches)

15. You know whether another Georgian is from east, west, or middle Georgia
as soon as they open their mouth.( This is completely true)

16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or
off to "Wally World." (Super Walmart is Da Bomb Baby!!!)

17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.( 70 is a might cool, some call it sweater weather)

18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"(Believe this for truer words were never spoken)

19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.( Oh hell Yeah!!!)

20. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Georgia.(If I was ever in any doubt where I was from, this here has cleared it up)

Current mood: relaxed
Current music: Various Artists On 92.7 fm (rock)
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