Y-core!

Date:	2005-02-24 06:55
Subject:	What happened?
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

Last night... What I did to morgan... It just hit me, and I had then just realized how bad it was. I don't know how I could ever do something like that to someone... to a best friend. What's worng with me?

i hate school and the people who are in my life every day at school. and that's all... that's my story.

Date:	2005-02-20 17:23
Subject:	memories
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

gosh. this weekend was awesome. I had so much fun today. gunther and his two friends, barzon and kara, picked me up at fricking 10:30 this morning! haha i didn't even have time to shower! we got lunch at tacobell and then went to this really hott kids appartment... umm i think his name was nick. but anyways, will and steph were there and noah. then we went to the mall and they gambled... i didn't... because it just doesn't interest me... AT ALL! I'm 18 and I have yet to bamble, buy smokes or porn or go to big sky books. ohhh welll. We went to the skatepark and I sported The Parka! I was so so so so umm what the word i'm looking for... i dunno, but i was what ever that word is. lol. YES. omg I found the coolest volcom belt! it's off the hook and it's priced at 40$! fuck that! gunther is going to but it for me i guess. people love to buy me things and i don't understand why they feel like they need to do that. it's because i'm poor and they feel sorry for me. yeah that's it. gunthers eyes... they are amazing. I find myself starring into them and not being able to look away. sick he has a bug nose though. oh well. I've been saying that a lot lately. oh well. oh well oh well oh well. I absolutly love my new glasses. omg but i just can't wait to get the lenses in!! so they will actually be useful and not just stylin. lol. omfg alan just called me and he's in town... sad part.. he's leaving in a week again and this time he's going to texas. bah. yeah... we're going to hang out in like an hour. hmm what are we gonna do? OH i know! mwhah. jk no no no no no no misty. if he asks, i have to tell him i quit. because i know it will just bring me down again. i wouldn't be able to handle that right now. I'm just starting to, well, trying to be happy. I want my smiles to be real. when people ask me how i am, i don't want to not lie when i say i'm fine. wow i am really amazing NOT. hmm if I can't be happy when i'm a lone, I can never be happy? that is so devistating to me. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC..... music. that's all i have to keep me breathing. I have others too but I don't always have them at my side. hmm I went to see jacki's play again last night, with gunther. I enjoyed seeing it again. I wonder if jacki wrote the secene about when the girl apologizes to her friend about kissing her the night before, when she was drunk and then she goes on to tell her that she actually did want to kiss her... and then the girl is just like "what do you want from me." I liked it a lot. it just reminded me of us. i just wonder.

Date:	2005-02-20 00:22
Subject:	pound pound pound pound
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

I guess... I'm... hanging out with him because i'm lonely. He kept calling and calling. I gave in. I need someone in my life that's fucking more like me. WHERE ARE YOU?! i need to find you.

I want to... LIVE.

Where did my life go?

Date:	2005-02-18 15:57
Subject:	razdazed
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

Why does he have to say things to me, things that hurt. Does it make him feel good about him self? Is he mean to me because people make fun of him all the time? he's such a jerk, but I can't hate him. I always go back.

I should never cry in school. never!
I felt mean but sensitive after lunch.
and... it was hard but I really just need to get used to this.
I need to get over myself.

Date:	2005-02-17 12:16
Subject:	this is sad. just like me.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

ALl you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness


I was really looking forward to seeing you today. I got my hopes up by being so excited. turns out, she's not here):


SAddest girl in the universe

hmmm. This is all so weird. I hate it. I don't know what to do.

I can't stop shaking.

My head is pounding.

I hope to god that she understands how much I miss her. I want everything back. I want us.

Date:	2005-02-16 13:22
Subject:	what should i do?
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

why do I have to be so sad? Why cant I just accept the things that go on in my life? Why can't I accept that my best friend wants nothing to do with me? Why do I cry the second I get home from school? Why do I hurt for you? There has go to be a reason for the fact that I need you, and I know I'll die if I can be your friend. There has got to be a reason for me trying so hard to keep you? Why are you so important to me? why is it you, whom I love to death? Why can't I let go? Why cant I just leave you alone, so you can be happy? I just can't, I could never do that. and I don't know why. I'm obsessed, addicted.


People might think that I don't care. but the truth is, I care a lot... of certain people and things.

I'm a mean person. I seriously... sigh. It hurts to see you, when you're the one i'm sad about, like I just wanna break down in front of you.

Date:	2005-02-14 18:36
Subject:	until printed date
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
A friend with weed is better;
A friend with breasts
And all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
A friend who'll tease is better;
Our thoughts compressed,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
My Japanese is better,
And when she's pressed
She will undress,
And then she's boxing clever.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
A friend who bleeds is better;
My friend confessed,
She passed the test,
And we will never sever.

Day's dawning, skins crawling...
Pure morning.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
A friend who'll tease is better;
Our thoughts compressed,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
A friend who bleeds is better;
My friend confessed,
She passed the test,
And we will never sever.

Day's dawning, skins crawling...
Pure morning.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
My Japanese is better;
And when she's pressed
She will undress,
And then she's boxing clever.

A friend in need's a friend indeed...
A friend with weed is better;
A friend with breasts
And all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather.

I found this. I'm not sure if... I like it, or hate it. I feel something twords it. I just don't now GAWSH. I don't even know if i understand it.

Date:	2005-02-13 00:25
Subject:	and i'm back... in the game?
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy

No Worries ; ) hahaha.

Date:	2005-02-12 23:51
Subject:	Free information.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy

umm yeah. i'm sick of this. all of this.


everything.

look at it.

my life, it's pathetic.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I can breath.

I can handle all of this.

I can handle loosing you.

I can handle not ever touching you.

I can handle being a lone.

I'm strong.

I'm right.

I'm happy.

I'm not hurt.

I don't cry.

I don't think about you every minut, hour, day, week.

I don't want to kiss you. nor do I love your lips.

I'm not scared.

I can speak my mind.

I'm not nervous.

I don't love you.

I don't want to know you.

I believe what you say, that eveything's going to be okay.

I believe that you still want me.

I don't want to spend time with you.

I don't want to share my secrets with you.

I don't want to hear your secrets.

I don't like looking into your eyes.

I don't feel super amazing and infinit with you.

You don't let me feel beautiful.

I don't ever dream about you, dream about kissing you, ever!

I hate when we're a lone.

I'm soooo open with you.... sigh.

*rolls eyes*

You don't let me feel special.

I'm not comfortable around you.

I'm not anything when I'm with you.

All off this, it's all so true.

*rolls eyes*

fuck me.

The begening of the last entry was so fake. I don't want that. I don't want a boyfriend! no. nope.

Date:	2005-02-10 22:06
Subject:	Granade
Security:	Public
Mood:	jealous

Today was just like. Normal. like, I have no friends. I've been coming home at 9pm on weekend nights. and my curfew is umm... 1am or maybe even later now. but yeah. I don't have anyone to chill with. I need to find a boyfriend, a boy who I wont get tired of and someone who'd i'd like to make plans to chill with everyday. like I'll always know what i'll be doing and who i'll be with. kinda like before mark came along, I always knew, every weekend, that I was giong to hang out with jacki. And I'm really thinking that, that boy just might be Dave.

Welp, I'm gonna be gone untill saturday afternoon. so.... yup.

Siiiiiigh. I totally got fucked over, thrown out, like garbage. you don't give a fuck about me. you just want me to feel good. is that why? you don't want to hurt me? you know that I can't live without you, so you just keep me believing that you love me? I wanna know. if so, you should really let me go. it would actually hurtless. please let me know if i'm worng.


bye bye.

Date:	2005-02-08 22:23
Subject:	happy birthday to me?
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

So this is my day... Hmm. I don't know what to say. I'm 18 now and it doesn't even feel like i'm any older. I'm not happy. I'm not enjoying this. I hear nothing but bad thoughts and feel nothing but pain. What is there to do? Inflict pain on the outside of my body to numb the pain on the inside? Well, been there, done that. What's next? Why can't I move on? Im stuck here. It's been a week and two days, I can see the difference in myself, I can feel it. I don't like that I have a temper now. I liked being care-free. Fuck, whatever happened to "no worries"? It left when he left. What about when he gets back? I don't know if... sigh. I don't know if I care to ever see him again. I mean, yes, I want to hang out with him. but there is this small part of me that doesn't want to go back. I want to be able to tuff it out. I know it's hard rigth now, with everthing, the hurt, the guilt, the love that's no longer there anymore... I'm just trying to believe things will get better, I have hope. And if I just stick this out, I'll make it.

^^^ I wrote this on paper today, in fifth period. I don't know why I was so bumed out.

My night got a lot better when jacki, arieanna, and adam came over.
Well I had a lot of fun. and I hope everyone else did. cough (jacki). cough...?

I just want to say thank you to jacki.
She tryed so hard. and I love her for being so nice to me.
Thanks for the wonderful presents. I love you with all my heart.

THanks.


goodnight.

"Leaning foward, she kissed me. A kiss as delicate and fragile as a soap bubble."
-shattering glass

<<>> says:
i will\
Let her cry says:
i seriouly.
Let her cry says:
you will?
Let her cry says:
sigh
Let her cry says:
and if you dont
Let her cry says:
i'm coming to your house
Let her cry says:
seriously
Let her cry says:
i think
Let her cry says:
we should
Let her cry says:
skip school tomorrow
Let her cry says:
are you with me?!?!
Let her cry says:
jacki
Let her cry says:
??!?!?1
Let her cry says:
jacki
Let her cry says:
fuck.... JACKI
Let her cry says:
please. dont' leave me.
Let her cry says:
JACKI
Let her cry says:
oh my fucking god
Let her cry says:
taking fucking care of your boyfrined
Let her cry says:
tell him to shhut the fuck up
Let her cry says:
and to stop talking to me
Let her cry says:
FUCK
Let her cry says:
he's pissing me off
Let her cry says:
take*
Let her cry says:
JACKI
Let her cry says:
jcaki
Let her cry says:
jacki
Let her cry says:
help me PLEASE
Let her cry says:
you're the only one
Let her cry says:
fucuk
Let her cry says:
jacki
Let her cry says:
help me
Let her cry says:
stop me
Let her cry says:
i'm yelling at him
Let her cry says:
jacki
Let her cry says:
talk to me
Let her cry says:
JAcki
Let her cry says:
omg why dont you ever fucking talk to me
Let her cry says:
tear.
Let her cry says:
fucking tears
Let her cry says:
first of all i didn't steal that money, when frank and i broke up he told trina i did it. and then now since we are friends, he said sorry and that he willl pay her back.
Let her cry says:
and i donyt' have more fun with alan
Let her cry says:
i have the most fun, with i'm with you.
Let her cry says:
and we're together
Let her cry says:
when we are together*
Let her cry says:
mark just told me that was was your problem
Let her cry says:
i serioulsy can care less that he's gone. i mean , i yeah i kinda miss him. but not compaired to how much i miss you.

sorry about the depressing entries lately.

I'm in a better mood now.
A mood where I feel so much love... love that's not there, love that's not with me. I feel it though.
A mood where I care about everyone and everything.
even though... sigh.

I want to hold you. I want to lay in your bed with you and listen to your music.
cuddle. oh. wow. how I wish i could do that. just the two of us.

tears.

I want to listen to you. and you listen to me.

talk about... ever comes to mind.

cuz we're best friends.

I love you.

Blah blah blah.
I'm life's a waist.

I'm just staying at home today.

Because I have no friends.

No one has time for me.

So I'd prefer so stay here and feel sorry for myself. because no one else will.

My best friend doesn't even care for me anymore.




I have no one to take care of me.