I'm not on blurty anymore, as you've probably noticed. I don't know if anyone will even see this, but if you want to find me, here's how:

Facebook: Kira Goldfarb
AIM: heylookitskira
MSN: heylookitskira@hotmail.com
LiveJournal: http://www.livejournal.com/users/heylookitskira
GaiaOnline: Extensive

Date:	2007-04-26 18:09
Subject:	Oh God.
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

So. My love just called me to tell me that no, he's not getting kicked out of his house on Monday, he's getting kicked out.. basically today/tomorrow.

He doesn't know where he's going to go or where his things are going to go. He literally has to pack up everything that he owns that he wants to keep, and move out of his house. Why? Because his aunt and uncle don't give a fuck about their nephew. They'd rather tear down the house, rebuilt everything and get more money off of selling/renting it to someone else than know that he has a home.

I basically panicked when he called me to tell me that. I had to find out where my mom was. I couldn't think of anyone else with a car who could help him move his stuff. I don't even know where they're moving it to. Or where the cats and two rats are going to stay. But I called mom, couldn't talk because I was about to cry, e-mailed her explaining the situation and begging her to go help him... So she's there now, loading his stuff into the van to bring it who-knows-where. My family would never let him stay at our house, even in a situation like this. It's horrible. And it's even more horrible because I'm stuck here, a 45-minute drive away at school, unable to even be there to comfort him--or myself.

This is why we want to live together. I want him to be safe. I want him to be happy. I want to see him more than once a week. I want to make sure that he eats more than once a day. He hardly eats--not because of any eating disorder, but because his family has never had much money. His house--well, but now he doesn't even have one--has no working fridge, working stove, working oven or running water. He's never had much of anything, even when they did have those things.

I just want to take all of his pain away. I don't want to see all of this happen to him, and not be able to do a single thing. I want to live with him, marry him, feed him, comfort him. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, because I know that won't happen for another 3+ years. It just can't. I'm at college 45 minutes away from him, and neither of us has the money. I'm only 18. He's 19, almost 20, but he doesn't have a license and he never finished High School. He gets by working at Dunkin Donuts 36-40 hours a week. What are we supposed to do? I love him so much. I don't want to see him hurt anymore.

God. I don't know what to do. I want to take a bus home right now, but I can't. He would be upset if I missed class. And what would I do, anyway? The only thing I COULD do would be to hug him and try to reassure him that we'll figure things out. I mean, we've always been able to. We've been together for 3 years and 4 months, and we've always figured things out. I just don't know what to do now, though. I love him so much. God, I really do.

Date:	2007-03-20 06:19
Subject:	Excited.
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

So yesterday, I did pretty good until the night... My best friends made me drive them to Dunkin Donuts, and I had a bavarian kreme donut. Ick, why on earth did I DO that?! And then Dad and I went grocery shopping... Upside: We also went to Walmart and got Little Miss Sunshine on DVD for me, since I won the weight loss competition against mom. Downside: After we got home, I had two bowlfuls of cocoa rice crispies and I kept snacking on rainbow twizzlers... Not good!

I'm going to try to do better today. I'll be at David's for almost the whole day (hopefully sleeping over, but that's doubtful), and I'm bringing a bunch of pre-packaged ready-to-eat and instant stuff (oatmeal, 100 calorie sunchip packs, cheesy pretzels, popcorn, etc), so hopefully I won't do too bad.

Anyway. I'm just excited because David seemed to be in a good mood when he called me earlier (1:30 a.m.?). I think we'll have a nice day today. A couple movies, a bunch of cuddle time.. Sounds good to me. :)

Bought calcium pills yesterday. Unfortunately, they don't mention Vitamin D at all, as far as what I can tell. Bad? I don't know.

Still haven't started reading those books, writing that paper or studying for those tests... eeep.

Turning the subject back to today. I feel like I look nice today. I actually feel somewhat attractive, which is good for me. I weighed 134 yesterday morning, which means I've lost a pound since the Friday before last. Not as quickly as I'd like, but I'm getting there. 130 by the end of the month would be awesome, but that's 4 lbs in 10 days... Not exactly healthy.

But yeah. Like I said, I feel like I look good today. I'm wearing my new pants--the only pair I have now that actually FIT me, a size 7 in Juniors. And I'm wearing a t-shirt that I got from Kohl's; it's a size small (weird, I usually wear a medium) and it's gray with little froggies--er, toads--on it. It's by... Jim Benton? That one cartoonist guy who does a lot of cute stuff. And on the back it says, "Toadly not ready to get up." Silly, I know, but I didn't notice that until after I had already fallen in love with how well it fit and how cute it was.

The only bad part about this outfit is that I need to wear my converse, because my payless sneakers wouldn't go with it, and the pants are a little long and there's still snow out on the ground... Eeep. I don't want to ruin them!

Anyway. I'd better go, mom and I will probably be leaving soon. Sayounara!

Date:	2007-03-12 12:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

I don't feel well, and it's putting me in a bad mood.
I am sleep deprived and I just want to sleep until my 8:30 a.m. class tomorrow.
I have Japanese in 2 hours and I still need to finish my homework and study for the quiz.
After class, I have to finish my English essay. HAVE TO.
After English, I need to finish my Drawing project.

It'll be nice if I can get to bed by 11 or 12 at the latest.

Not going to the gym today since I'm sick and I don't feel like doing anything. Unless, for some strange reason, I have time to go walk on the track there tonight. That's doubtful.

It's so nice out. Why do I always get sick when it's nice out? I wish I had time to go for a nice long walk today. That's obviously not going to happen.

I weighed 135 on Friday. Don't know what I weigh right now. Don't WANT to know what I weigh, since it's probably gone up over the weekend. Wish I would stop pigging out. Even though kettle corn is low-cal, I still ate the whole bag. Not good. I wish I were better at eating healthy/less.

So tireddd. Someone make me throw up so I can go to the health center and get an excused absence so I can sleep instead of going to class.

Bahh. And my head keeps hurting, or feeling like it's going to hurt. Maybe I'll take some advil or something.

Guess that's all for now. さようなら。

Date:	2007-03-07 16:21
Subject:	Strange...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

8:15 a.m. - Filling, healthy breakfast (a bit of each: mandarin oranges, yogurt, strawberry topping, granola, 2 canteloupe wedges, and a piece of ham)
10:45 a.m. - Orange
1:00 p.m. - Hot tea w/honey
1:45 p.m. - Daifuki mochi (sweet red bean rice cake)
3:15 p.m. - Big salad w/fat free dressing

I didn't eat anything for 4 1/2 hours straight, except for the little daifuki mochi (rice cake) thingy (only like.. 90 cals). I only had tea.
But oddly, I didn't feel any hunger pains at all even when I went to get lunch (the salad).

This is strange because I usually need to eat every 2 or 3 hours or I feel like I'm starving.

Maybe my body is finally getting used to not being stuffed up with food all the time?

Or maybe the rice cake just kept me feeling full-ish because it was so sweet and condensed?

Hm.

Date:	2007-03-03 00:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off

I'm so SICK of this.

Date:	2007-02-20 21:27
Subject:	Blah blah blah.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Rant time!

( Just to save space. )

Well. Hope everyone else out there is having a good week. Please encourage me to eat less and eat healthy. I need something to break me of this habitual eating (rather than only eating when necessary). Gum doesn't really do it for me.

I did really well today, as far as eating goes. Most of the things I had were healthy, and the day's almost over and I'm still only up to about 1,000 calories! Whoo!

I came across this website, fitday.com, and I really like it. :] I can add in my own foods when they aren't in the list they have. Like I added in the Werther's candy I had and the gum I had and the oatmeal I had and the soup...

Here's my journal thingy for the website:

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mistakenly

Actually, the animal cracker thing may be a little off... I wasn't really keeping track of how many I was eating. I probably had a bit more than a cup. But I'm still under 1,500 calories!

Date:	2007-01-31 10:34
Subject:	Guh.
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed

Today's food so far:

Animal crackers.

But I only woke up an hour and a half ago.

I'm not having a very good week; I'm pretty backed up on schoolwork. I have a lot of drawing and reading to do, that I really really don't want to. But I guess the sooner I get it all done, the less I'll have to worry. It's just so tempting to blow things off, though, when I tell myself that I still have time before those classes--even though it's not ENOUGH time if I don't work on anything NOW.

I can't wait for the weekend. I get to hang out with David and Alex. And see Dannie; maybe hang out with her, if she's not too busy.

My boss is going to be upset because I'll probably forget to update the website this week... Oh well. At least I usually update it. When he was doing it, he wouldn't update for a month.

It's probably pathetic that I'm saying this already, but I can't wait to be done with this college stuff. I want to live my own life already. I hate that schoolwork can take over my life. And I want to be back at home with my friends, and living with David. That's all I want.

It's funny. David and I could get married right now, if we really wanted to. But that would be weird, because we're both still young, and it's not like we would be able to live together. What married couple lives 45 minutes apart and only sees each other one day of the week?

Oh well. I still can't wait for when we can.

So far, this is what I've had to eat/drink today:

- Poppyseed bagel with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and grape jelly
- All-natural triple-berry juice
- A little bit of strawberry smoothie (153 calories, but I only had about 1/4 of it)
- One Werther's Original candy
- One small (4 oz, I think) raspberry yogurt
- Large tea with 2 tsp. honey

I'm pretty sure that's all I've had today. Not too bad, especially with how much I usually eat.

Edit: Okay, I caved and had hunan chicken after I posted that. But it's not too bad, right? :] And the only other thing I've had is.. apple sauce, which I'm eating right now.

Not sure of when I last updated; I'm using the installable Blurty tool where I can just click the icon on my startbar and update without having to be on the actual website. But anyway...

I've been doing alright with my whole "be healthy" idea. Not amazing, but not horrible. I haven't had any of those fatty bagged snacks--potato chips, cheetos, etc. None at all. I had Chinese food yesterday, but a good portion of it was sushi. And I just ate lunch at the dining hall--I had chicken and rice soup, a little bit of salad (no lettuce, just tomatoes, cucumber, and carrots) with balsamic vinegarette and some cold turkey salad stuff (basically, turkey with Italian(?) dressing on it). I chose fruit punch over root beer, and I had some tea with honey. Not too bad, right?

I had a mixed fruit yogurt for breakfast, and some mini bagels with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter for brunch. Eating a bit of candy in between, but it's all gummy stuff or Werther's--no chocolate.

I also just did some crunches. I want this belly fat to go away NOW. D:<

Any suggestions for good stomach exercises that aren't bad for my back? For those who don't know, I have scoliosis--I heard that side crunches (where my legs are to the side but my upper body is mostly flat on the floor) aren't good for me, so besides normal crunches, I want to find some other exercises that'll be good.

Guess that's all for now. I should go read for Freshman Comp.

Date:	2007-01-25 21:10
Subject:	Eep.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Winter's finally showing up, and I don't like it. :(

I hate cold.

I hate cold + wind more than just cold.

Cold + wind + snow = Angry Kira

And I have no one to go to the gym with. I would go for a walk to get some exercise, but it's too COLD out.

I wish I had brought a TV and DDR.

That reminds me, David still has my PS2...

Eh, sorry, I'm just rambling.

I feel like crap and I seriously don't really know why.

I miss vacation already. Why can't it always be like that? Why can't I always spend time with Dannie, Alex and David whenever we want to hang out?

Guh. And now I'm tired because I didn't get enough sleep last night, but I have class in half an hour, so I have to wait till afterwards to sleep. GUHHH.

Date:	2007-01-21 00:26
Subject:	Not fun.
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed

I'm stressed out, and I can feel it physically and emotionally. I don't want to go back to school. I love my friends, I want to stay here with them. I want to spend my life hanging out with them, I really do. I was thinking today that it would be awesome if Dannie, Alex and I could all live together when we're older.

But yeah. I'm stressed. School, having no money, worrying about the homework I'm going to get, and I SUCK AT TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. Know what I bought today? CHOCOLATE. I willingly bought chocolate; I even put effort into it because the guy had to go in the back and package it for me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I don't need chocolate. Nor did I need to spend money on Japanese food when we went to the oriental grocery store. WHY do I do this?

And why do I get mad at myself for it, instead of just changing the things I do? It's like my behavioral patterns are set in stone. WHY do I have to be like this? Why can't I just force myself to be a better person? GUGHUHU. I'm so stressed out and angry with myself. I have very low self-esteem and confidence. That's why I keep saying I suck; I wouldn't be saying that if I had those things, would I?

I miss David. He's what I need right now. I need an "in-a-good-mood" David to cuddle with and forget things with. I love being with him so much. And it helps, it really does. When we're together, I usually forget about everything I've been stressing and worrying about. Because when we're just thinking about how much we love each other, everything else doesn't seem to matter.

I really miss him. I saw him on Thursday and I already miss him. I must have separation anxiety, I hate being without him. I like having time to myself every once in a while, but I love being around David, or my friends. They're all so amazing. And they can always cheer me up and help me forget about all the bad things that are happening or that I'm worrying about, because having fun is really what should matter most. I don't have enough fun because I'm so stubborn, and worryful, and self-concious, and shy. I wish I had a more outgoing personality, I really do.

I already know that the better I think I look, the better I feel. So I think the best way to make me feel good and self-confident is to lose weight. I hate giving in to this stupid corporate image of beauty, but I really do want to be skinny. Or at least...I don't know. I want to be able to wear a bikini and not feel embarrassed, you know? I want to look better. I'll feel so much better if I look better. I know I will.

I'm kind of ranting here, sorry. Well, actually, no--it's my journal, so I don't need to apologize for writing a lot, because I'm not forcing anyone to read it. So there. :]

There are so many things that I wish. God. I wish I could lose weight easier. I wish Dad and David would apologize to each other so David would be allowed at our house again. I wish I were out of school. I wish I had a career already; one that I love. I wish I didn't have to put up with so much crap. I don't care if I sound like a prissy little spoiled girl; I just want to have a fun and enjoyable life. Why can't that be easier?

I need to be more optimistic. I should start now. What are some things I can tell myself to make me feel better?

You CAN lose weight
You CAN put your mind to it, and eat right and exercise
You CAN get good grades this semester
You CAN balance work and play
You CAN be more outgoing, you just have to TRY
You CAN do anything you want to do
You CAN be yourself and still be an awesome person

I wish I believed those things more.

God, I feel like I'm writing a whole essay here.

I should stop.

It felt good to write a lot. I'm glad I did. Now I just wish I could see David. I need him right now. I want a hug, really bad. And he owes me a backrub.

Everything is making me really anxious right about now, and I don't like it. >_

I just got 13 hours of sleep, holy god.

My ears are doing okay. It's been 4 days so far. A little dried blood around them; I need to take a shower and clean them out some more. But they're not doing too bad. It doesn't hurt too much when I turn the eyelets, so that's a good thing. Can't wait till they're all healed up--I want to try on the other plugs and things I bought.

Anyway. Right now, I'm having a smoothie. Not too bad. :)

Yesterday I had a bagel, egg and cheese sandwich... but with fake butter, so it wasn't too bad for me (I hope). Also had..hm... some tortilla chips and Kix.

Anyways. Today, I want to try and get myself back on track. I haven't really exercised since before the weekend, and my eating habits have been a little off, so I'm going to try to do better today. I also need to draw a bit for my art shop on Gaia.

I'll try to edit this later when I eat anything or exercise. :)

Edit: So I think I've had... a wrap, a peanut butter + banana sandwich, a small piece of chocolate, a few M&Ms, a couple small Hello Kitty candies, some Kix, and now I'm eating some crackers. :3

Date:	2007-01-16 21:20
Subject:	Day... whatever.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

So my weekend was fun, but I didn't eat all that well. Not too bad, though... except last night (wings and cheesecake = death). But other than that, I've just had some chocolate.

Oh! I got my ears gauged! I can't believe I didn't post about that earlier, ahah. They're a 6 gauge. Here are some pictures:





So, anyways. Right now I'm eating "Hearty Penne" Progresso soup. It's pretty good, and I don't think it's very unhealthy. :]

I haven't been updating. So far today (besides early this morning), I've only had a bagel with peanut butter. I think. Oh, and some chocolate... Because it's the best chocolate ever. ;) And I'm chewing gum now.

Date:	2007-01-12 00:43
Subject:	Day 2
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased

Starting early, ahaha. It's almost 1 a.m.

Midnight Snack
12:41 a.m.
Peanut butter & banana sandwich
Bread: 130 calories, 2 grams fat
Reduced fat PB: 190 calories, 11 grams fat
No clue about the banana. It's half a banana. How many calories?

3:15 a.m. snack
3:15 a.m.
Plain bagel with peanut butter...
>___> Don't even say it.

Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner
(I don't know which to consider this, because I woke up at 4 p.m.! o___o)
Fruit smoothie (ice, 2% milk, yogurt, 6 small red grapes, strawberries, raspberries, 2 tsp sugar)
No clue of the calories & stuff... Maybe 5g fat?

Note to self: BUY CHEWING GUM.

I've realized that I eat ALL THE TIME. I need something else in my mouth to chew on that won't be making me fatter.

Oh, and a head's up: I'm taking David to a Chinese buffet on Saturday for lunch. Chinese buffet = me stuffing my face. There's absolutely no avoiding it. Seriously. So I'll just try to stay away from fried stuff, okay? :) And I'll have a healthy breakfast and dinner.

I shouldn't have bought shiitake mushrooms... Now I can only think to make tempura. Any healthy suggestions?

And, how bad for me are bagels, exactly? I'm a bagel addict. Can't live without 'em.