| Hell, with a big red bow. |
[23 Feb 2004|10:14pm] |
I can’t remember when I became so shut off. It must have started with Steve. I look back at what a messed up time that was. 4 and a half years of misconceived love. When asked, “what was your most romantic time with Steve?” I honestly can not answer the question, I realize I lost those years, and gained added emotions that I didn’t know what to make of them.
Now, I have someone who loves me. I doubt my capacity of love. I want to be able to give what this man deserves, I just don’t think I am in a place to do that. . This is not to say, he and I could make a huge breakthrough in developing an understanding to my damage. But I still must ask... “At what point did I start to shut off?”
I now second guess my own decisions, my own judgments. I have not been heard, or felt I was wanted to be heard for so long, prior to him. Now, when someone cares comes along I question their motives. Their compassion, concern, love all get scrutinized.
He is so guarded now, when I respond in a civilized why, he now is looking deeper than what is being said, or expressed. This is not his fault. I have conditioned him in a why to not trust me or my emotions, and feelings. This is him guarding his heart and his sanity. I want him to have the most amazing life. I hope I can give that to him. I hope I haven’t given him hell instead. Hell, with a big red bow.
|
|