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Volume 3, chapter 1. [09 Mar 2004|12:28am] I step back, and regret I don’t keep better records of my daily activities. Since the last entry, lots (LOTS) has happened. (1.) Week long conference in Seattle. (2.) $2087 plumbing expense on the house (3.) Today is my 31 birthday (4.) Registered for college today; 10 credits while running a store for one of Americas top 100 company’s to work for. (5.) Hudson, my puppy,arrived. (6.) Got Married Any one of these would be a busy week. but within 7 days, ALL OF THE ABOVE! A few years ago, my boyfriend and I told each other we wanted to be in an “place” to buy a house, when I turn 32. We bought our house last Summer, when I was 30. We also talked about the “what if” gay marriage ever became legal, would we do it. When in Seattle for a conference, Keith called me and told me Portland was going to start issuing Marriage licenses to same sex couples. Immediately, I started to cry. I had doubts that it would hold up. Not knowing how the Oregon Constitution defined “marriage”. I wouldn’t be home until Thursday afternoon, and it was Tuesday at this time Keith called. Elated, scared, overwhelmed, and dazed all took over me. Then, when I came home, Portland had issued 788 licenses in those two days to same sex couples. With those numbers, it was true, I was going to have the chance to marry the man I love, something I thought I would never have the chance to do. Keith and I planned, in two hours, to get married. Most people take 6 to 9 months to plan a wedding, we did it in two hours. A trip to Lloyd Center for an outfit for Keith, and wedding bands for both of us, we were ready for the next day. A typical early March day in Oregon, outside, in line for three hours at the Multnomah County building. The line wrapped halfway around the building. So many emotions to face while standing in line with all the other couples. When we finally got inside the building, I had to hold back tears. Seeing couples come out with the license and other documents in hand, smiling, holding each other, hugging friends and other strangers that they met while standing in the same line they just got out of. It didn’t finally set in, until we were in the line to pay for the license. I started to cry, I had to hold back tears. Keith looked into my eyes, and knew what was going through my mind. He just held my hand... and smiled and told me he loved me. I had butterflies doing a dance in my stomach, and my heart was racing line I was in the 5th grade about to give a speech in front of the faculty and parents of my class on. When, we got it. The license. The piece of paper that so many other couples had held before me in that same spot. And like probably most “brides” before me, I too started to cry. The paper work was not set up for same sex spouses, so Keith was the “groom” and I was the “bride”. We were told not to alter any piece of the application. So, one of use had to be the bride. Two hours later, a bunch of phone calls, a trip to the flower shop, and a trip to Keller Auditorium we then waited in another line to get married. Erika and Andy, and Jennifer and Maria came down to witness us get married. We would have loved to have had more friends and family share this day, but we both were overwhelmed and couldn’t think clearly. We were so happy we got to share this day with these two couples since they have found a wonderful spot in our hearts. Now, we wait. To see if the lawsuit that has been issued against the county can stand up. The lawsuit hit a road bump today, day one for the trial process for the suit. One small success for my team. But I need more to get through this. And now... today, I’m 31. FUCK. At what point did I take over my dancing pants, and become an adult. My trips to Canada with my friend Michelle, when I lived in Seattle. She and I probably made a couple dozen trips to our neighbors to the north to go dancing. I didn’t do very well in school. But, I experienced so much. All of which make me who I am today. And to think, that was 12 years ago today, when we started our adventures. And now, I am started college again. I guess, I am having a early-mid life crises. Pretty good way to start if you ask me. I think this is volume 3, chapter 1 of my life at his point. Volume 1; birth to 18 years old. Volume 2; 19 to 30. And now age 31, and new adventure. We will just have to see what happens. 1 comment|post comment

The Kid. [28 Feb 2004|11:53am] Mile post 37, Interstate 5 northbound. I’m reminded of a trip similar to ours. The trip when Dan Savage, and his partner were franticly driving the opposite direction to see their baby (human) be born, by mother of their soon to be adopted child in Portland. I read their story about the open adoption process in Oregon, that they when through in the book, The Kid. Bjork playing in their trips, which usually is playing via on our trips via iPod. I smirked as I drive past MP 38. I turn to Keith (who has also read this book), and tell him how I know understand , what Savage and partner must have been going through at that time. Keith just laughed, because he totally understood. Today, is the day. The eighth week of Hudson’s date of birth. Hudson, being our new puppy. Keith and I choose Hudson’s breed, months before this. Terriers are notoriously friendly, active, and intelligent dogs. Welsh terriers are all that, and more. Hudson, of course will be the same. (I am already displaying my parental right to express my dog will be and is the smartest dog to have ever walked on the earth). Already the spoiled child of the house. (I gave up this title,and gave it to Hudson.) Toys have been purchased since Christmas, when I was told of my present. Keith bought Hudson, as my Christmas present. The best present I have ever received. With training book and video in hand, I was told of my upcoming gift. At the time of the holiday, the litter had yet been born. January 2, 2004, the soon to be named Hudson. was born. Dog food by Eukabanah (AKC Best in Show sponsor), brushes and shampoo by “Barkly”, tooth paste by “Dr. Jeff Webber”, and the infamous Haggans dog carrier; model #600, purchased in Vancouver. (Not Washington, but B.C; Canada.) I have customers ask about the spontaneous trip, Keith and I took, to get the carrier from Petecetra. Besides Sammy* and Sydney, I have not had a pet. Besides “pets” that I sort of grew up with, until I was 6. When mother nature told the pets it was time. Those pets were more like furniture. I have been looking forward to today for almost a year. When Keith and I started to talk about the idea of one day having a dog. But at the time, when we were living on Davis St. we could not have pets, let alone a dog. Buy a house, the next obvious step... Dog! But not only a dog, Hudson. * www.cloudvark.com/sammy That’s our Sammy, and his blue ball. post comment

Hell, with a big red bow. [23 Feb 2004|10:14pm] I can’t remember when I became so shut off. It must have started with Steve. I look back at what a messed up time that was. 4 and a half years of misconceived love. When asked, “what was your most romantic time with Steve?” I honestly can not answer the question, I realize I lost those years, and gained added emotions that I didn’t know what to make of them. Now, I have someone who loves me. I doubt my capacity of love. I want to be able to give what this man deserves, I just don’t think I am in a place to do that. . This is not to say, he and I could make a huge breakthrough in developing an understanding to my damage. But I still must ask... “At what point did I start to shut off?” I now second guess my own decisions, my own judgments. I have not been heard, or felt I was wanted to be heard for so long, prior to him. Now, when someone cares comes along I question their motives. Their compassion, concern, love all get scrutinized. He is so guarded now, when I respond in a civilized why, he now is looking deeper than what is being said, or expressed. This is not his fault. I have conditioned him in a why to not trust me or my emotions, and feelings. This is him guarding his heart and his sanity. I want him to have the most amazing life. I hope I can give that to him. I hope I haven’t given him hell instead. Hell, with a big red bow. post comment

Have you heard this one before... [21 Feb 2004|10:56pm] With this year being Presidential election year, politics are everywhere. And, I think many people are determined not to let what happened in 2000, happen again. Information groups are everywhere. I joined one today, and the first item I read was a joke, or what I guess was suppose to be taken as a joke. Maybe I’m just old, or I just take life a little to seriously. If you were to know me, I think you can rule out the latter of the statements. Here is my reply to the “group”... -------------------------------------- In a time when Gay Americans are fighting a fight that should not be an issue: Civil rights, anti-discrimination, the right to marry. Some, in the Democratic party, my party, decide to add their "poke" at the Republicans using gay americans as the punch line, only adding fuel to an already out of control fire. I understand that the little joke is just that, a little (distasteful) joke. But stereotyping an entire community as sexual deviants, wasn't needed. One could put any minority, gender, or occupation and it would be offensive to such a group. Change the joke... 'Little David is asked what his mommy does', don't you think every women's organization would be all over this group about something so socially unacceptable. Would the Democratic party ever issue a "joke" with this subject matter. I'm pretty sure, the answer would be -- No. Then why now, when Democrats should be coming together for the better of the community. Gays and lesbians have been fighting for equality for years. Since "Stonewall", June 27, 1969 in New York, have gay americans been working towards basic equality. Even before that, only their voices were more silent. Rights most people wouldn't realize we do not have. Job discrimination, discrimination in housing, marriage, even the tax structure is bigoted, and when I die my partner is entitled to nothing, the way the system is set up. In Florida, I don't have the right to adopt a child. Because, I'm unfit to raise a child? (Or so this joke would have you believe.) I don't see any jokes, regarding Florida. At what point do we stop, work on the issues, and not try to push people into the closets they have been struggling so hard to come out of. I hope this upcoming Presidential election isn't the case (as some expressed in 2000) of, "well, I don't like either candidate, which would be worse of the two", for gay and lesbians it should be a clear choice. post comment

subject: [21 Feb 2004|12:19am] I started this “journal” to keep myself organized with my thoughts. I have been very bad in the past of keeping my daily experiences recorded. One of the many things I have taken away from therapy, is to stay focused on the issue(s). Sounds pretty basic, but years of low self-esteem can take away sometimes the most obvious. Plus, behavioral malfunctions take time to mold into something much more desirable. Over the years, I have had good intention of creating a log of my life. By purchasing small, large, paperback, hard bound journals. Made from handmade, ruled, newspaper, and art paper. I have been very diligent to enter my random thoughts, issues, brainstorms, what-have you for the first week. This, being the most extreme journal,I have ever started. All the tools for success at my fingertips. Dictionary, apple works, iTunes, and... porn all while one works. Some, more useful than other, but they all help get the job done. 485 comments|post comment

So, now what? [20 Feb 2004|12:02pm] My only goal out of high school, in the early ‘90s, to become a commercial illustrator. I did not think about what would happen if I didn’t accomplish that goal. After dropping out of, not one but two, colleges I used the excuse “I’m not a good student”. Which, was not a false statement, I wasn’t. But, a more accurate statement would have been “I wasn’t an informed student. “ With the glorious age of 31, so quickly approaching... I’ve been thinking; has my life truly been wasted? I now feel more like an adult then ever. With the recent purchase of a house, talking to my boyfriend about “what if we get the chance to marry”, kids, finances, taxes, politics, all the subjects that I felt weren’t subjects ten years ago and that would have wasted my time when I was fresh out of high school. With that new perspective of the world, which I gripped so tightly, I didn’t have time to think about anything else... just me. Now, with my recent “financial accomplishments” (which I can’t take the credit for the majority of), still has the question been answered. Has my life been wasted? Now, with technology changing, emerging, becoming so ingrained into everything we do or who we are, people should be more informed. But, another question; Is ignorance bliss? I don’t think it could be bliss, but it could very well be easier. Easier in the sense that if we don’t know, how can it be our fault? That was the case with me in 1991 graduating high school. Even now, I have employees insinuate it’s not their fault when something might not go as planned, because they did not know. When I first became a manager, I took that failure solely as mine, after many years of doing performance reviews, I don’t internalize such statements anymore. Those are the people who only get “meets expectations”., or even worse a “needs improvement”. I personally don’t want to only get a 2% raise, especially out of life. I would rather get an “exceeds expectations”. Much bigger raise. Self taught insight is much more rewarding than, hand holding education. This is not to say, that everything I know, I sought out myself. I had help with what I know. Shown the tools to achieve a great deal. (a G4 iBook, is a pretty good tool) I had some wonderful mentors in my jobs, and in my life. My boyfriend is a huge part of my success. Without him, I would not have the courage, or ambition to start down the path of going back to school,in the Spring. Starting the process of going into a Nursing program at a local college, also would not be an obtainable goal in my head. I don’t regret any of my experiences, some more chaotic than others. Which is a whole new entry altogether. But, I wish I would have been more aware of my community, the world, and me. So, back to the question... I guess not. post comment

Where does one start. [17 Feb 2004|11:06pm] All over the media these days, there is something about gay marriage or civil unions. At what point does the topic of civil rights come in. Tonight, after a meeting my boyfriend and I attended, I started to think about how I have become part of a group of legal minorities in the country. I pay my taxes, vote, I separate my recycling. However, our not elected by the popular vote President, has decided to make it his passion to try to justify discrimination. I thought it was bad enough that he started a war, after his father couldn’t finish his battles that he started. Now, it has been brought to our attention that his “honorable” military experience is a sham. The point I find most interesting, he tells the nation that he would have gone overseas at the time of war when he was in the Air Guard, except for the fact that he checked a box that he didn’t want to go overseas. But back to me being a minority. I can’t marry the man I love. We try to live the American dream. We bought a house this past Summer. Since we can not marry, if there was something to happen to me, there is not guarantee that he would keep the house that is ours. Or anything else that belongs to “us”. This debate isn’t if you agree with the issue of homosexuality. The debate should be, do you feel discrimination is wrong. The founding fathers of this country did, as did Abraham Lincoln. Many other great people who molded this country to what it is today. I voted for Clinton, not once but twice. He had a torrid past with the obvious, but he also must have had a few homosexual “feelings” since he pretty much fucked the gay community with “DOMA”. post comment

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