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03:30 pm ººº June 16, 2003 |
| mood |
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 bitchy |
| music |
º |
"Poem"-Taproot |
I'm starting to really miss being tired because it's my own fault, not because I'm constantly running here and there. I want to be able to just stay up watching TV instead of just getting on the bus at 3 in the morning and not even being able to go to sleep because I'm that tired. Fuck, because of this shitty schedule, I've even been anti-social lately.
I don't feel like talking to anyone lately. I even had my phone off lately except for yesterday so Hailie could call if she wanted. I miss that kid so much and it fucking kills me that I had to be away from her on Father's Day of all days. I could tell she didn't like that I was away, either. There's nothing that she can ever say to make me feel so guilty besides "I miss you, Daddy. When are you coming back home?" Home, meaning Detroit. There's this big thing on Kim, too, being that she was arrested for being in possession of cocaine. Heh, so I don't know what the fuck is going to go on.
Fuck this. I'm always depressed when I go onto tour. It's like I'm isolated from the rest of the world and it's partly my fault because I allow it to be that way. I don't know what's happening between me and a certain person, which I won't say now because I don't know whether she wants it out in the open, or even if I do, and I can't talk to Jess although I promised that we'd always stay friends. Yeah, right. I can't keep my promises. I'm just a liar, a cheater--a no one to put into more simple and better words.
It seems as if every update I do, real update, it turns out to be so redundant that I'm tempted every fucking time to just highlight everything and delete it. What's the point? People pretends to understand what all this is about, but they really don't. In some way, they could understand, but no matter how much any situation is alike to another person, the two people deal with things differently.
Fuck it. Maybe I should try and get some sleep instead of rambling on about a bunch of nothing.
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03:31 pm ººº June 13, 2003 |
| mood |
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 annoyed |
| music |
º |
"Party Joint"-Fundisha |
It's funny how you think I'm so fucking stupid and naive to the shit you pull. I know your games and I know how you operate. Don't forget that I could bring it all down.
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04:45 pm ººº June 10, 2003 |
| mood |
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 infuriated |
Fuck you and you.
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11:14 am ººº June 10, 2003 |
| mood |
º |
 hungry |
| music |
º |
"Poem"-Taproot |
I don't know how long this'll be, hah.
Anyway. I'm taking Brit out to pizza today due to the fact that I was supposed to a long time ago, but then things and life got into the way. I was planning on calling her for a while because I heard she was sick and just wanted to leave a little message, wishing her to feel better. Well, in all wonders, she ended up reaching me first and I don't know if we're friends or acquaintances or what, but it was nice to catch up with her again. It's nice for someone to get my jokes and not take everything I say so seriously.
Oh, wait. 'Licia does that, too. Ha. I've been staying at her place lately and I hadn't even planned on staying this long, but if she's not going to say anything, then I won't say anything either. I'm worried, in a way, because the tour starts on Friday and I gotta head out on Thursday, which leaves just two damn days to actually go back to the other place and get my shit together. Actually, I did a little bit of that and brought it all over here, leaving it in my "room." Hope Alicia doesn't mind.
I'm not even going to worry about selling my place in NY right now because of the tour. I'll deal with all that shit when I get back, which should be about a month. And speaking of the tour, I have two dates in Detroit, which is fucking nice 'cause... hell, home is home. I'ma be closer to Hailie for just a couple of days and I don't know. It seems like things are slowly falling back into place. And it's not just because of Hailie, but because of someone else, which I won't exactly go into right now.
Ha, I didn't mean for this thing to go on, but I'm going to attempt to find a McDonald's or.. something around here.
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12:39 am ººº June 08, 2003 |
| mood |
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 exhausted |
| music |
º |
"Just Us"-Boot Camp Clik |
Is it possible to be able to be so happy and free, yet so pissed off at the same time? Every damn time I meet someone new, they think that I'm just some white guy who's pissed off at the world and gives a rat's ass about no one or anything. Maybe that's how I come across in my music, but there's something you have to understand. Eminem is different than Marshall Mathers. When I write, it's because I'm in that mood that moment. It's not like I actually walk around that pissed off.
I have times that I'm happy, so fucking giddy that it's sickening. When I have a girl, I like to do the stupidest romantic things because... well, honestly, where's the attraction if there's no romance there at all? Even a simple note on her pillow before you leave for work or something saying "I love you" would be simple enough. Believe it or not, but a lot of people don't need the bigger things to be happy. I certainly don't.
I actually like to have conversations with people where there's just a bunch of laughing and it's about nothing productive. Again, believe it or not, I don't take life that seriously. I'd be more uptight than I already am if I did. I like to have serious, productive conversations too. Those kinds make me get to be able to know the person on a serious light too. I couldn't be friends with or anyone, or even acquainted with them if they were just one big ball of sunshine shining out of their ass all the damn time.
Lately, I've been so much like a bi-polar person, it's not funny. One moment, I'm happy and just as calm as can be, but the second that I get myself to thinking about anything, my mind goes completely nuts and I'm confused about every damn thing that's going on. I don't think I've ever gotten one straightforward answer from myself about any of the events in the past week. Or, even the past couple of months.
So, if you haven't heard from Jess already, we... for lack of a better phrase, 'broke up.' It started out so fucking bad that it just felt like it wasn't going to go anywhere. Surprisingly, it got better and eventually peaceful. I'm still going to be friends with her. Hell, that could be offensive to some people and it's so damn cliché but with how much I went through with her, I'm not letting everything go. To be honest, I'm too attached to just sit here and say "To hell with it."
I still love her and again, as much as it sounds cliché, I'm always going to. She and I just had to part our ways because it wasn't working out for anyone. We were just arguing constantly, even on purpose sometimes just to get a rise out of each other. It was sickingly fun, but after a while, it started to take its toll on me. I don't know about her, but I was so stressed out that it'd be hard to even catch a wink of sleep at night.
The end of this week is the beginning of the tour so rehearsals are obviously going to start in just a couple days. I fucking hate them, but hell, I don't have a choice to do anything else. Besides, I'm looking forward to the tour for one reason and I'm pretty sure a couple, unsuspecting people know why. I just hope... the 'plans' are still going to follow through.
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05:06 pm ººº June 03, 2003 |
| mood |
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 confused |
| music |
º |
"Make Me A Song"-Kiley Dean |
I wanted to write this update this morning and only had a few minutes to do so. I finally said 'fuck it' and thought that I'd just write later on. That was a big mistake. Now I don't remember a fucking thing that I had wanted to say.
I don't wanna talk about court. Who wants to listen to that bullshit? It's bad enough I bitch, moan, complain, whatever you call it, in here already. Anyway.
I went over to Ashton's last night. Heh, let me tell you, there's no better way of being greeted to going over to someone's house than knocking on the door and being tackled by the person who answered. Ha, I needed that laugh. And I'm not a short shit, man. I'm just, like I said, vertically challenged. Nothing wrong with that. >:o It was great to talk to him. Surprisingly, we get along hell of a lot better than I thought we would. I don't mind him talking about Josh and, hopefully, he doesn't mind me talking about Jess and my problems. Heh, it is true. I do need a guy's opinion every now and then and not listening to friend's of Jess telling me what to do because they're just biased. I don't think anyone truly understands something I talk to them about unless they've gone through it, and in a way, Ashton has, so thanks man. I'll still find a way to pay you back.
Hailie went back home the other day, too. I miss the little squirt already. I remember when she had walked out of the terminal with her bookbag and the way she ran to me when I called her name, giving me a hug. I wish I could be there when she gets home from school everyday and be a normal father. When it comes to her, the only thing I regret is just never being there enough. People say I'm a good father, but... isn't a father supposed to be there? Supposed to help their kid with homework and take them to the mall or...wherever it is that they want to be taken to? I really shouldn't beat myself over the head with this, but damn.
I want to call Kim and really talk to her. Things... I guess, haven't been smooth lately, but I guess they're bearable. She's been through everything with me and just to be able to talk to her about some shit would clear a lot in my head. She understands how I think and act, so if I tried to hide anything from her, she'd pick it up. If she can't anymore, then... in a way, I guess I'm alone in this world.
The night before Hailie left, I tucked her into bed and gave her a little kiss on her forehead before getting up and walking out the door while turning off the light. Just as the 'click' of the switch came, Hailie said, "Daddy, why you so sad?" I tried to explain to her that I'm not; I'm just very troubled by a lot of shit lately. I got a tour coming up in a couple of weeks and I've got stuff to figure out before I go and I don't know if I can do that in such a short period of time. Talking seems to get me more and more confused, but I don't know what else to do. What can I do? I'm not going to sit on my ass and wallow in my self pity; instead, I'm going to do shit to try and get the stuff off my mind. Of course, by the end of the night, I lay in bed and it all rushes in but just being able to keep myself busy during the hours of the day is enough for me.
Heh, look at me. I've rambled enough in this and you're all probably thinking to yourself, "Oh shut up already" or haven't even read it. Either way, I'm gonna chill in front of the TV.
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02:25 pm ººº June 01, 2003 |
| mood |
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 apathetic |
| music |
º |
"Miss You"-Aaliyah |
And another conclusion to my last post, it's funny how I could have been so easily fooled, heh.
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12:43 am ººº May 26, 2003 |
| mood |
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 happy |
| music |
º |
"Big Mama (Unconditional Love)"-LL COOL J ft. Dru Hill |
I used to sit around and think that I didn't want love. That after Kim, I couldn't love again. I had given her everything and thought there wasn't anything left. Then, Brittany came along. It didn't last, but she's a great person. We're not as close as we used to be anymore, but I just love when I talk to her. She has this aura around her that just... glows. It's infectious. It was a little while before I was with anyone again until I met Jess.
I was sitting outside on a bench while she was in the penthouse unpacking a few things when I started thinking. We met through this place and ended up talking. She invited me over and we ended up watching XXX and had our... teen-age like making out sessions. It branched out from that because I remember specifically this time that she and I went to the skating rink and we shared this one kiss. We just looked at each other and it was cold, but being close to her... was what kept everything warm. Just looking into her eyes and how her eyes tried to glance at my face all at once, it made the moment surreal. I think, that at the time, without even realizing it, I was in love with her. It's so silly to think about now because it was so quick, but time went by and the feelings I had for her were getting deeper and deeper. The first time I told her 'I love you' she didn't hear me and I refused to repeat it right after. I waited another couple of days and told her again. This time, she heard. It was awkward for a while but when I heard her reply, it was... just the best feeling that I've felt in a long time. I remember the first time we made love. I don't mean the first time we had sex, but the love shared for the first time. God, it was so...there's not even a word to describe how I felt that night. I can still remember the moments, but it's just something that I love to keep to myself and occasionally smile about it when the thoughts come up in my mind.
I don't remember our first fight, but I remember a time that no matter what was said, how much we told each other 'I love you,' we'd end up in a huge argument that was dragged out when it shouldn't have been. I hated myself so much after those arguments and I remember how I tried so hard to keep my pride swallowed. I was a fool all those times because they could have prevented future problems.
I remember when she first told me she was pregnant. I was scared shitless, knowing that I'd be responsible for yet another life, but deep inside of me, I felt so...excited. I was about to have another kid. Hailie was going to have another brother or sister and I was going to be responsible for it. So many emotions spread out through me and I was almost overwhelmed. Sadly, I remember when she told me that she had lost the baby. She gave me an envelope that contained a letter inside. As I opened it and started to read, I started to realize that it was a letter she had written to our unborn baby. Our baby that had died. I felt depressed for a second and hated myself again for not being around for almost two months, when she needed me the most.
I remember when I had screwed up so badly when I kissed Mandy. I remember seeing the pain in her eyes and I never want to see that pain again. I don't want to be responsible for seeing her so upset and if I ever have to see her like that again and I find out it's because of someone else, I don't know what the hell I'd do but it wouldn't be pretty.
In conclusion, I'm trying to say that in this short time that I've spent with this woman, I've realized that she was the missing piece of the puzzle all this time. She's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, as cliché as that may sound. She's it for me.
Baby, I love you.
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09:50 pm ººº May 24, 2003 |
| mood |
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 anxious |
| music |
º |
"Allright"-Allen Anthony |
Heh, I've been kind of avoiding people lately. The only people I remember ever really talking to is Ashton and Hayden. I had just met Ashton and here we are, talking about our life experiences or whatever you want to call it and then Hayden messages me out of nowhere and we're talking for.. was it an hour? I don't know.
It was nice. You know, getting a guy's perspective about a lot of shit that went down and not having to go to 'Licia, although she's great to talk to. I've been avoiding even her, and I guess I'll have to explain myself whenever I see her around again.
Then, there's Jess. We went shopping for our furniture today and got everything ready and shipped up to New York to the penthouse. Now all we have to do is actually get there to do the unpacking of certain things and get everything settled. Heh, so Ali? Jess is gonna be there, you can stop the questions now. :-P
Heh, I'm sucking at these udpates more and more, but shit.. I'll do something better tomorrow or something.
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08:02 pm ººº May 18, 2003 |
| mood |
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 discontent |
| music |
º |
"Gossip Folks"-Missy Elliot |
I don't know you. I don't know your major dreams and goals in life. I don't know what you dream of; I don't know your thoughts. All I know is what you say and, and that, for me, isn't enough anymore. I need some challenge. I need someone to ask me questions, to want to get to know me. Not just what I have physically or what you know through my music.
I need life. I don't have that anymore.
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05:37 pm ººº May 15, 2003 |
| mood |
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confused |
| music |
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"Why Do I Feel So Sad?"-Alicia Keys |
This is going to be some short shit, but I hate the fact that I'm feeling something that I shouldn't be and I can't fucking say a damn word to anyone about it. It's funny. I sit around, thinking "I don't care. I have no real controversial feelings. I feel what I feel and that's it." But fuck me. I haven't been more confused about anything in my entire fucking life.
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06:41 am ººº May 15, 2003 |
| mood |
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 crappy |
| music |
º |
cartoons on tv |
It's funny. I haven't felt like doing shit for the past couple of days because everytime I turned around, drama was there to fucking kick me in the ass. Jess and I had a huge argument, yet again, and I don't know exactly what we are now, but I just need a break. From everything.
I talked to Kim and suddenly she doesn't care that I care? What the fuck? Seems like everyone's feeling that way about me lately. I haven't been able to 'click' with anyone, except for Alicia Cook Keys. It's cool talking to her because...I'm hoping she gets my jokes. Not that I find myself funny or anything. And I can actually diss her, she can diss me and it be taken like a joke. She doesn't run off screaming obscenities just because I said something like "Oh, yeah? Well, your face looks like your ass." Bad example, but it's good enough for 6-something in the morning.
I don't even feel like fucking updating, so peace. I'm out.
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06:49 pm ººº May 10, 2003 |
| mood |
º |
 loved |
| music |
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"Beautiful"-Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell |
Yesterday was the most nerve-wrecking day of my life, probably. Or at least during the past year. No matter what else happened in my life, I was so nervous seeing Jessica again. Sure, we talked on the phone but everytime we hung up, I found myself just wanting to call her back 'cause I'd be left with this huge feeling of emptiness. Right when I walked out of the terminal at the airport and saw her, her hair lighter and her skin darker...looking more healthy, my breath literally felt as if it was being caught in my throat.
It seemed so surreal seeing her stand there in front of me. Not exactly a dream, but something of an illusion. I was afraid to touch her at first because I didn't want her to disappear or fade away. But, as soon as her arms snaked around my neck to give me that hug, that warmth in the hug, I knew she was really there. No illusion about it. I didn't know what to say the whole time and could only lean in to say "I've missed you" because damn, I really did. I guess I just never really realized how much.
She did tell me about her losing the baby and I'm not happy, but then again, deep down there is this sense of relief. It's tough being responsible for a life, but it's also so rewarding. Maybe it's just a sign to me that I really need to cherish her and let go some of my pride because it's her. If I'm really going to be in her life and she's really going to be in mine, I have to slowly let the wall crumble down.
It's never easy to do that for just anyone, so now before I go to sleep, I honestly pray to God every night to just let Jess and I work out. It's almost a sense of need.
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04:12 pm ººº April 02, 2003 |
| mood |
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 chipper |
| music |
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"Walk"-WC/Westside Connection |
Does everyone know how great my girlfriend is? ..I just called her my 'girlfriend' for the first time, didn't I? Damn, that feels good. Anyway, I'll let you all in how I woke up yesterday from a little nap 'cause my old ass can't stay hours and hours like the rest of you:
So, I was asleep on my bed and Jess quietly sneaks in and uses toothpaste to write 'i' and 'u' and then uses red lipstick to make the '<3' on my chest. Then, I have a red-lipstick imprinted heart around my face, then lipstick-imprinted lips in the shape of her lips on each cheek and I wake up with a picture of her beside me. I couldn't help but grin. It was probably the weirdest yet sweetest that anyone could have done for me. I started to laugh when I walked into the bathroom and noticed the stuff all over me. It was a bitch to wash off, but it had me grinning the whole damn time.
To be where I am right now with her, stress free and happy, is great. Sometimes, I lay in my bed and wondered how we got from just watching 'Barbershop' to her having my kid now and just feeling like I'm in love. Sometimes I just look at her in the morning when she's sleeping and wake up and I just think to myself "Damn, this is my girl. She chose to be with me. I gotta treasure that." And from what happened, I definitely do now, because I don't deserve anything she gives me and yet she never ceases to be amazing.
Now I must go and find her. ;)
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02:26 pm ººº March 30, 2003 |
| mood |
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 sad |
| music |
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"Goodbye"-Jagged Edge |
So this is what it feels like to be in the dumps because of the stupidity of your actions. Not that I blame everyone for not wanting to talk to me because... hell, had the situations been switched, I wouldn't anything to do with myself either. No matter how sorry myself or Mandy is, it's not going to take away the hurt. At least let me explain.
Karma is a bitch and it came back to bite you in the ass, Hayden. You're a pretty boy, anyway, so I'm pretty sure you thought you'd get everything you want and wouldn't have to worry about a damn thing. That couldn't be the farthest thing from the damn truth. I'm not saying what Mandy and I did was right and that what we did justifies anything you did and vice versa, but you should also understand. To some extent, at least.
I don't deserve to be forgiven like I was, but I'm glad. Even though she's forgiven me, I don't know where we stand exactly right now. I don't know if we're going to get that place in New York or if we're even going to be 'close' for a while, and even though it's my fault, it's driving me fucking crazy.
So, I say ( Goodbye )
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06:18 pm ººº March 27, 2003 |
| mood |
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 frustrated |
| music |
º |
"X Gon' Give It To Ya"-DMX |
I gave up watching TV, gave up trying to find anything to eat, gave up even thinking about a nap, and Hailie's asleep, so guess where I am? Sitting here, bored as fuck and writing another shitty update. How fun am I?
Hm, so Mandy's okay now, I guess. I'd still rather talk to her, but hey, if she doesn't have the time, then fine. Whatever. I'll spend it elsewhere. In fact, after Hailie wakes up, I'm thinking about taking her down to a park or something. It's been a while and she's gonna ask me all these little questions that I miss answering. The only one that I don't particularly like is when she asks me, "Daddy, why aren't you and mommy together anymore?" It breaks my fucking heart to hear her ask that, but it's just going to take a little more time for her to realize that it's just not going to happen. I hope.
So I learned how to salsa dance last night. Not really because I know I sucked but it was fun making a fool out of myself in front of Jessica. It was much more fun watching her, though. ;) My hips just don't move like a girl's does, damn.
Oh! Ha. I met Ali's R4L posse. Is that all of 'em or is there more that I should be aware of? Aight, I think I'm gonna go into my fridge and try to find something to drink. Peace.
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12:48 pm ººº March 23, 2003 |
| mood |
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 tired |
| music |
º |
"Hell Yeah"-Ginuwine |
I need to update, but I don't feel like it. I kept telling myself the past couple days "Update now so you'll have it overwith." It never happened. So, I'm sitting my ass in front of this laptop and typing. If it doesn't make sense, you'll have to excuse me.
I'm gonna be honest here and say that I don't know what's going on with Jess and me. We fight about the stupidest shit and then make up just five minutes later. I'm getting tired of the same routine over and over again. I even let go of my pride for her and maybe it's too much to ask, but I just wish she could do the same.
I just got off the phone with Hailie and so she's gonna be coming down here in a couple days, thank god. I miss her and I need her around. Someone who's gonna love me and not pick a damn fight with me every fucking time I turn around. Besides, she's my daughter. We need to spend more time together before she thinks I'm just some guy who occasionally drops by. Before talking to Hailie, I talked to Kim and it was... well, nice. We didn't argue, we actually talked and she actually cared. We've patched things up and all, but it's still kind of awkward and we're both not sure what to say half the time. I guess it just comes with the whole territory.
To get off the bad side of things, Mandy and I have been talking more lately. She's apparently going to Florida today for a couple weeks and I'm going to miss her like hell. Sure, I can visit and all, but it's not like we can just go out to any random place to eat or hang out without someone thinking something. Heh, they'll probably be more shocked at me than her. "You actually talk to Mandy Moore, the innocent child?!" Heh. I can just picture that. I need to go up to that cliff, too, just to jump off. That was refreshing last night, but.. it's Mandy's place. I won't steal her from it.
And.. I think I'm done with this update. I'm at a meeting right now (well, on a little break) about the clothing line and I just need to get this shit overwith. Peace.
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06:39 am ººº March 18, 2003 |
| mood |
º |
loved |
| music |
º |
"Amazed"-Lonestar |
Everytime our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
You asked me why I'm happy being with you. My feelings can tell you a thousand words, if not more, but when I actually have to sit down and think about it and put it into words, it seems so plain.
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you, it just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
I like how we are. I like that you and I can be such hard-headed people so filled with pride and get into these petty arguments, but I love the way we can just turn around and be sorry and tell each other 'I love you.' I don't know why you put up with me sometimes, but the fact that you do makes me love you even more, if possible.
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me, baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time everytime
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes
Before I met you, I didn't want to be involved in a relationship. I wanted time to myself, my music, and my daughter. You changed that and I can't thank you enough. I think that, as much as I was denying it, I needed someone like you to come along and show me that all I needed was to be in love and have that person be in love with me back. Our relationship didn't exactly start out like that, but it expanded, and if that happens, then that gives me a view on how much more we can grow. It scares me almost, but as long as I have you and our kid (when he comes), I'll be okay.
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you, it just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
I didn't use the cut tag because you all can live, right? Right.
I love you, Jess.
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12:22 am ººº March 16, 2003 |
| mood |
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 cold |
| music |
º |
"Say Anything"-Good Charlotte |
Heh. So tonight's been very eventful. I don't feel like going through every little thing because either everyone knows or just the people that matter to me. I also have a little thing to say here and I think you know who you are:
Some say that time changes
Best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that
No, not for you
If you just stay with me
We can make it through
Yes. I actually listen to Good Charlotte. Surprised? Ha, fuck you.
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11:28 pm ººº March 14, 2003 |
| mood |
º |
crappy |
| music |
º |
"Air Force Ones"-Nelly |
Great, Marshall. Go fuck up the one relationship you have with the person that ever really cared.
I'm such a selfish, cold-hearted asshole. Great thing to come to conclusion with right before I'm going to catch some sleep.
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