05:48 pm ººº September 06, 2003
( ON BREAK. )
ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

10:21 am ººº August 25, 2003
mood º bored
music º hailie's watching that spanish cartoon chick

So maybe I should update y'all since ya seem to be outta the loop. I dumped that bitch. So please stop sayin' I'm in love with her and shit. I think this applies to you and you.

All of these hot illegal girls are gettin' journals an' I can't fuck 'em so bro you handle that, aiight? Tell me how they were when you're done.

ººº i can't be your superman2 pleas

11:55 am ººº August 17, 2003
mood º content
music º why is britney blasting horrible music

A good maybe means I get a second chance, right?

ººº i can't be your superman3 pleas

10:44 am ººº August 10, 2003
On business or somethin'.

Be back around Thursday or maybe if I like it there I'll stay forever.
ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

02:18 am ººº August 09, 2003
mood º frustrated
music º all night long- brian mcknight & nelly

I'm thinking that I want a regular spot on Crank Yankers. There ain't nothing better than calling up a chinese restaurant and ordering 40,000 condoms or other fucked up shit like that. 'Sides that I've been busy as fuck, trying to produce D12's album along with a few others and then working on my own. Then I gotta appear in court on the 18 to ask the judge to dismiss the suit that DeAngelo Bailey filed against me. Fuck, you beat the fucking shit outta me all the time, man. I'm sorry that my damn song is ruining your reputation as a trash man.

Kim and I are talking about taking Hailie, Whitney and Alaina away for a few days so don't be surprised if I disappear for a couple days. Yeah, I'm going away with Kim and don't fucking give me shit about it. She was my first love, girlfriend and everything. Plus, she's the mother of my baby. I can't give up on her just like that, I love her way too fucking much and I always will. We ain't ever gonna work out but I still need her in my life, even if she'll only ever be a friend from now on.

On a completely unrelated note, Freddy vs Jason looks good as fuck. That hot Destiny's Child chick is in it and damn, she ain't no Beyonce but she's still pretty fine. Better looking than Mariah, that's for sure. Speaking of that whore, she's still denying the fact that we fucked. She's trying to act like Britney Spears or some shit. Stupid slut. We all know you fucked Fred Durst. So why don't you just admit it?

ººº i can't be your superman6 pleas

12:36 pm ººº July 31, 2003
mood º rejuvenated
music º "More Than A Woman"-Aaliyah (radio)

I'm going to tr and keep this post as happy as possible. I definitely need a picker-upper at the moment (Is that even a word?). I'm still not seeing as much of Alicia as I'd like, but the moments that we finally do get to sit down and joke around, and she throws that foam football at my head, it's all good. All that waiting and being away from her is worth it. I hate that we're both too tired by the end of the day to do more than just a kiss goodnight and go to sleep and then in the morning, if I have to leave before her, I always make sure to kiss her forehead before leaving.

What really makes a person get influenced like this by another? I've loved before and I've been loved, but this is something different. I think I just needed something light-hearted yet serious at the same time. It's nuts to hear everyone talking about how "true love" is when you wake up in the morning and that person is the first person you think about and the last you think about before going to sleep. If that's what it is, then I definitely got it. During the middle of the day, small memories pop up into my head and I have to smile in the middle of it all, no matter how stressful shit is being for me and how many aggravating calls I get concernin' one of the lawsuits, but it's nice to get an interruption with a thought of her.

Everyone has their favorite memory with whoever they're with and I can honestly sit here and say that I don't know which could be my favorite. The one that's memorable, and I say this all the time, is the day we were both in the pool and I had "stolen" her hat. I think that then that's when I really started to fall for her even though I didn't realize it. Our friendship grew from there and now we're at this level and I'm glad it happened this way and that it took time for it to happen.

As cheesy and unexpected as this may be, I'm in love. And for the first time, in a long time, since Kim, even, I really feel it and it's for real.

Hailie. The first and most important girl in my life. I'm glad she's livening up to Alicia. It's definitely taken away some of the stress. I know it's not easy to deal with a new "parent" coming in the way, but she's calming down and it's great. I'm happy, she seems to be happy and I'm hopin' Alicia is.

As far as my brother---well, Nate, I hope you're doin' better, bro'. You're never around the house or anything everytime I go looking for you and you never answer the phone when I try to be calling you, so I guess I gotta resort to doing that shit here. Just, keep your head up, man. That's all.

ººº i can't be your superman3 pleas

02:52 pm ººº July 21, 2003
mood º cranky
music º i love the 80s on VH1

I've been in a weird mood these past couple of days. Talking to Nate more is nice, but it seems like we're both getting frustrated and/or pissed at everything we say to each other. Heh. I guess that's what happens when there's a girl involved and one person likes her and the other is supposedly a good friend.

Z left and I feel guilty and as much as I said that I'd always be here, I'm tired of running after her or calling her and trying to make her feel better. Apparently, it seems she's got other people, namely a Hanson, so what the fuck she need me around for? That's right; she doesn't.

On top of that, I was looking for a movie to watch the other night and I came across a few VHS tapes and popped one in to see what it was and it turns out to be a home video of Hailie and Kim. Things weren't ever really 'smooth' for Kim and I, but the video showed one of the best times we've all had and to be honest, I sometimes miss those times that I was able to actually have a family. The mom and the father actually got alone and the kid wasn't stuck in the middle being pulled in both directions. Just watching that video made me feel guilty for a lot of shit I did. I have no regrets, but I think that I could have at least thought things over, knowing that everything I do concerns Hailie.

And Alicia. Heh, I haven't really seen her for maybe a week now unless you count the few short minutes I was able to catch her before we both went to bed. I kind of wish that we both weren't so busy because this is definitely putting a strain on me. I'd at least like to call her every now and then, but either the phone is shut off or I have to leave yet another voicemail. Hm.

So I'm being sued for my clothing line name, being that there's another company who claim to have used the name 'Shady' since 1999. Great, another lawsuit to deal with. Not only that one, but Dre and I are being sued by a jazz artist 'cause Dre took a sample of his work for the song "Kill You." Damn, people. You all just really love to suck the money out of someone. I might have to start another bank account just to make sure I always have enough to pay for these fucking lawsuits. Have some damn sympathy. A man can only deal with so much before he's dead.

This is a half ass udpate, so I'm just going to end it here.

ººº i can't be your superman3 pleas

To Alicia: 02:24 am ººº July 18, 2003
mood º content
music º "Lovely"-Boyz II Men

Lovely )

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

11:24 pm ººº July 12, 2003
mood º apathetic
music º "Forgot About Dre"-Dre ft. Eminem

So my tour is now officially finished. I had my last two shows in Detroit, so it's on to do other projects with D-12 and the other guys. I'm pretty much busy for the next couple weeks, if not months. It's gonna be tough 'cause I won't be able to just sit around and be lazy like I've been with Alicia before and during the tour. It's nice to have her around. I got the paperwork for the place I bought in NY not too long ago and it's in the process of being sold again, heh.Guess I'ma have to find another place, though, if I'm gonna be around Alicia whenever she can't be around and all that jazz. The idea of being too far away from her just doesn't appeal to me.

I also find it funny how when she's with me, I'm always waiting til' the last minute to say anything. It ain't like I'm avoiding her or anything; I'm just really stressed out 'cause I'm working on something all day. I guess I should allow myself to take a small break every now and then to just go out for a drink or something with her. Hm, I know I've done a lot lately, but I need to come up with another plan for her. Baby, you should tell me what you want to do so I can plan it or something. Or maybe you should visit your ma 'cause I feel bad that I've been takin' up a lot of your time lately. Either way, I love you.

I have been letting Z hang out around the house lately due to problems with the security at the airport. She's been no bother to me and stays quietly in her room, but it worries me 'cause ever since I met her she's been this really.. troubled kid. Heh, I hope things get better, kid, I really do.

And I want things to get better for you Britt, too. You deserve nothing but the best and although I've run out of things to say and don't know how to help you, you've got someone around to listen to you. I feel bad that I can't offer words of wisdom, but the times I had to go through this shit with Kim, she's chosen abortion and you're far too along for that. I'd be upset if you even chose that in the first place. But what I said stands--I'm here.

Heh, there was no real point to this update. I just.. needed something to take a rest for. I'm so exhausted, I'm tempted to just tell everyone that I'm not working anymore until I get my sleep, which is starting now. Alicia, baby, let me know when you get back. I'll get up for you, no problem. ::grin::

ººº i can't be your superman4 pleas

02:58 pm ººº July 08, 2003
mood º indifferent
music º "Horse And Carriage"-Cam'ron and Mase

There comes a point in everyone's life where they just don't want to live anymore. Not neccessarily contemplating suicide or whatever, but they just wanna hide out--be a hermit. I've dealt with those a lot lately, but never as strong as last night for a long time. It finally hit me--Hailie hates me, nothing with Kim will ever work out, and I've got a girl who probably questions me from time to time. I don't blame her. I haven't exactly had the cleanest past. The breakdown point, though, was realizing I no long have a friendship with her.

She's amazing. Always funny and yet she knows when she can be serious too. She's taught me so much in the very little time that I've known her. She's always had philosphical things to say about whatever situation someone is in and has such a beautiful and eloquent way of saying things.

Z, just talk to me again. Xie xie nin for everything and Wo ming nin. You know how I mean that and just always know I'm here. You're important to me, believe it or not.

A lot of things that happened has made me realize some things with Alicia. I don't know how I got so lucky to end up with her, but I am and I'm so thankful. I'm thankful for each morning that I'm able to wake up next to her and each night that I can go to sleep next to her. The nights and mornings that I can't, I feel a little empty. It's almost to the point that I need her to even feel a little calm and peaceful enough to go to sleep.

I constantly make people think that I'm some asshole guy who just doesn't give a fuck. Maybe that's the Eminem and Slim Shady side of me, but when I'm with people and actually with thm, they get Marshall Mathers, and that's the side that's caring, loving, sensitive--all of that. That's the real me. The guy who's in love, the guy who would do anything for his daughter, the guy who treasures his friendships and stays loyal to those people. I just wish everyone could see what I see when I look into the mirror. Maybe that's just wishing too much.

And I just realized how redundant every one of my entries are.

ººº i can't be your superman5 pleas

01:54 pm ººº July 05, 2003
mood º cynical
music º "Precious Illusions"-Alanis Morissette

Heh, so Kim and Hailie both have a journal now. Not that it bothers me really, but it makes me feel as I really gotta watch what I say and do. I still have to talk to Hailie and apologize for what I said the other day. Heh.

I headed up to Detroit on my own. I should have left a note to 'Licia back at her house, but it was very much last minute and I didn't have enough time. I avoided Kim, though, in fear a fight or something would break out and shit would be even worse concernin' Hailie and me.

Other than that, I have been talking to Z a lot lately. It was odd how we first started talking to her, but she's different. She has no other opinions formed about anything beforehand like everyone else and can be the funniest person. Heh, and I'm a man of my word, Z, so be expectin' those CDs in the mail. I know I talked to you about this already, but I hope things get better.

Ha, I'm at "my house" right now, sitting right in front of a fan in my room, typing away on this laptop and I'm bored as all fuck. I can't seem to be getting a hold of Alicia and I've been getting too much sleep lately, so I called up the guys and we're all hanging out in the studio in a little while. I like being in the studio, it takes my mind off of things and I get to see the guys again. It's better than waiting around for a call from your girl, right?

Heh, I'ma head out now and go to Taco Bell or somethin' before I head downtown.

ººº i can't be your superman2 pleas

12:51 am ººº July 02, 2003
mood º loved
music º "On Bended Knee"-Boyz II Men

Dear 'Licia )

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

08:26 pm ººº June 29, 2003
mood º moody
music º "Butterflyz"-AKeys

I keep reading her update over and over again. Well, an "old" one. I still feel that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach like I still have to do something for her to make it up. It's this guilt that keeps riding on my shoulders and no matter what I do, who I avoid, that feeling is still there.

Maybe I'm just missin' her too much. I don't know. Fuck it. I'ma get some sleep to get my mind off of all'a this.

And before I go, I think it's safe to say that I have a new favorite song. ::Smirk:: it's been on repeat for..the last day or so, shh.

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

09:32 pm ººº June 28, 2003
mood º aggravated
music º "The Way I Am"-Myself, duh.

For some odd reason, I'm feelin' really shitty right now. I'm not exactly tired, but I don't exactly have a lot of energy in me. I got a damn headache to add on top of that. Heh; I never win.

Then I got girls callin' my room when I'm trying to get a nap or some kind of rest. I'm gettin' the gym in the hotels closed off so I can actually work out without havin' to be interrupted every five seconds about the stupidest shit. I just wanna yell obscenities all damn day long and I can't. I want Kim outta my life for good and have full custody of Hailie.

And with all this goin' on while I'm on tour... fuck, it's makin' me stressed out as hell that I'm afraid that I'ma just snap at anyone who's gonna cross my path. I just want to go home, take a REAL shower and go to MY bed. I don't wanna deal with the NY place yet. I don't wanna deal with everything else. I just wanna relax, I wanna talk to Alicia, I wanna call my bro and see how he's doin'. There's so many things I wanna do, but I can't live the normal life to do so. Fuck, I've been thinkin' of quittin' the "biz" for a while now and just end up as a music producer. You know, do more things behind the scenes. Do something I can be respected for by the people who really matters.

Hell, I'm always talkin' in circles, so I'ma just end this thing right here.

EDIT: I'm so fuckin' tired of tryin' to help someone out, taking my time to actually ask questions and care and have them just completely throw out what I just said to them. Fuck it. Don't come to me to bitch and whine, and if you don't wanna listen to mine, just happily skip along. Won't bother me one fuckin' bit.

ººº i can't be your superman5 pleas

02:29 pm ººº June 25, 2003
mood º bored
music º prince of bel-air

So I copied her.
This is what happens when you really get bored )

Psh, don't mind me.

ººº i can't be your superman3 pleas

03:23 am ººº June 25, 2003
mood º amused

Miss me, I'll die in... )

30 years... not too bad. Still not enough time to spend with her.

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

01:06 pm ººº June 24, 2003
mood º crappy
music º "Hanging By A Moment"-Lifehouse

So, now you gonna take off the comments so I can't say anything to you? What are you going to do? Ignore me? Baby, I meant what I said and I still do. I ain't even... god, I was jokin' with her. I got a problem with joking like that with people, but it's nothing. Not that I expect you to believe me anymore, because hell, you've dealt with a lotta shit.

might be practic'ly nothin' t'you, but t'me, it's a whole lot. it's damn near everything.

Just because I was jokin' around with someone else? That everything we ever had and said is just gonna go down the drain? What I did probably wasn't fair, but letting go of everything? That's not fair to anyone. But, I'm Marshall Mathers, Eminem to be more correct, right? I just don't care about anyone but myself and Hailie. Let me tell you something. I fucking care about everyone around me. And at this moment, I especially care about you.

I guess it won't matter how many times I try to call you or anythin', 'cause you'll be ignorin' my every word, but... just baby, please. I'm sorry, aight?

You know where I'm at if you decide you do wanna talk.

ººº i can't be your superman3 pleas

11:00 pm ººº June 23, 2003
mood º calm
music º "They Don't Know"-Jon B.

So I'll follow everyone else for once )

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

09:47 pm ººº June 20, 2003
mood º blank
music º "U Got It Bad"-Usher

Sometimes you think that if you tell someone something... the truth... it'll make things better. It doesn't. It just makes them fall farther apart from you. I don't want to go into the details of what happened and all, but I want to let you know that I am so sorry. Please don't always avoid me. I want to make it up to you somehow. Please.

Things have calmed down lately, for the most part. I'm glad things seem to be better for Brittany too. And there isn't even any significant point to this post, but then again, I can just post a one-liner and get tons of comments like half of you fuckers. There's more to life than some damn funny joke. Don't get me wrong. I go out and have fun; I laugh, but I just don't act like there's no life to worry about. I've learned my lesson from acting like that.

Err, I'ma head out. Ha, might as well watch TV alone since I don't wanna bug her again. Peace.

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

06:11 pm ººº June 18, 2003
mood º crushed
music º "Just Like A Pill"-Pink

Legal bullshit )

So that's basically what's going on right now. I found the article so I wouldn't have to explain everything. Nothing really ever goes right. Or even seems to. I really need to talk to Alicia right now, heh.

ººº i can't be your superman1 plea

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