Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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7:51 am - He's home He's Home He's Home
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We went and got Travis last night from Ft. Hood! J. teased me about my "school girl" crush. But it is really not that yet something more. I know I have little chance "with" Travis - and I am okay with that. I am in love with Travis in ways even I can't explain. Though I do feel a falir of jealousy when the subject of girlie friend people comes up - but, hey, I don't think ME being a jealous possesive nut case would shock anyone. I am just ecstatic that he is home and safe and as sane as he ever was. I just hope the war and life in Iraq has not caused him any long term emotional hardships.
He seems okay though. Goofy and jovial as ever.
I just stood there this morning watching him sleep before I went to work. He woke up briefly and grinned and asked what I was doing... I said - "Just being happy you're home." He laughed, called me a dork and rolled over and went back to sleep.
Funny thing is... Oh nevermind. I think I will just sit here with this stupid grin on my face and enjoy my coffee...
current mood: blissful
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Monday, March 15th, 2004
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9:55 am - Waitin' for the Love of a Travelin' Soldier
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Travis is home - at long last - from Iraq. His company got in Saturday morning and I will FINALLY get to see him tonight after almost a year. When we found out they were home last night - I called all over Ft. Hood trying to find him to no avail. Finally left a message at the barracks switch board whatever it is called and he called back shortly there after...
An amazing end to an otherwise shitty weekend. I am a nervous wreck though. I don't know how to act. I feel like an idiotic school girl. I all but vibrated about the house last night cleaning up and what not to get stuff at least remotely presentable - the house was a wreck. J. is there today vacuuming and what not getting the little stuff I didn't get done last night done.
But he is Home. And alive. And safe. I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath for nearly a year. The relief is so distinct that I don't really know what to do.
But he is home. (Did I mention Travis is home???)
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Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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2:56 pm - Dazey Mayhem
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Just a quickie to let any of you know that I had listed as "friends" on my Dazey Mayhem blog - I have removed everyone. That particular journal is quickly becoming more of a promo type piece for shows and such and I was not real sure everyone wanted their lives splattered all over the Gay Community here in Central Texas.
So just know that it is nothing personal - I still love you all. And feel free to keep Daze listed as one of your friends on your list, I just won't be adding anyone to that site.
Take care,
Manic
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Friday, March 12th, 2004
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1:53 pm - A life in the day of... Lost
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Funny what can happen in 24 hours. I got to work yesterday and was fine - by lunch I felt like I had an alien living in my stomach fighting like made to get out - by 3 I was so sick I just laid in my bathroom floor... Slept and had awful dreams of people dying to wake up to find out my Brother-in-law's sister had died while giving birth to her much anticipated 1st child. My sister called and said "Can I come over - S. had the baby and she didn't make it." I thought she meant the baby... She didn't.
And now I am a total mess... Though I did not know S. that well, her and Jody (bro-in-law), were the same age difference as Tracy and I were when she died. It has brought so much flooding back to me - and for some reason this year I had such a hard time with the passing of her birthday... Not sure why... So I am home sick from work - bawling and downing Martinis like water.
And I have a show tonight that I have to go be chipper and politcal at - and don't know where it is going to come from...
Am really glad I opted not to go to NYC afterall... Strange how things happen...
current mood:  morose
current music: My Immortal
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Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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3:48 pm - Foolish...
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Well, I have decided NOT to go to NYC... Perhaps foolishly, but...
They were a bit vague on the detail of the show and were really rushing me to commit. Called me on Monday to be there to tape on Thursday... Which made me a bit nervous. Then when I spoke with them today they said something about Jyn, Myself.... and Clint - who the fuck is Clint??? Made me a LOT nervous. I don't even like watching those ambush shows, much less being caught in one.
Plus, I am in the middle of a huge internet conversion here at work and have two shows I am committed to at the end of this week. So I just followed gut instinct and duty and opted not to go.
Hopefully I didn't fail myself...
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Monday, March 8th, 2004
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12:19 pm - Maury
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Well - it seems to be legit and official - have been off and on the phone with producers and what not all morning. They will fly J. and I out Wedsnesday night - all expenses paid - plus comp money for me missing work. The show tapes on Thursday - and we come home Thursday night. Then I have a show at Trix back here on Friday - and a "Court" show at the church on Saturday - is gonna be a HELL of a week!!!
National FUCKING t.v.!!!
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6:31 am - What a Drag...
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I received this email yesterday:
Hi!
My name is Alyson DiFranco and I am writing to you from the Maury Povich Show in New York.
We are doing a show this coming week on Drag Queens and would love to speak with you.
Please call me immediately at 1.800.547.6912 ext. 8464 or on my
Cell phone at 917-690-3202.
Thanks
Alyson DiFranco
Associate Producer
The Maury Show
So I did a little research and everything seems to be legit. I called and left a message on her voicemail last night (it was late NYC time, so I didn't want to call her cel). We'll see if anything comes of it. Would be hella cool though!
Oh, and P.S. - The Muse has not been seen or heard from since last Thursday... So maybe he got the hint...I am not a nice person during sex when I actually like you - so you can imagine what went down - then when I got out of bed and went downstairs to watch a movie with my sister at 3 in the morning........... At least he gets hints, I guess...
current mood:  curious
current music: "I'm Beautiful, Damn It" - Bette
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Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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8:03 am - Ouch...
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I feel like death warmed over... Yesterday would have been my sisters 26th birthday. She died when she was 8. I "celebrated" by getting snot slinging, knee walking drunk. It's 8 a.m. and I don't know if I am still drunk or just realllllly hungover. The Muse came by last night too after the bar. We fucked. Great way to solve the problem, huh... And I have a show tomorrow and am so not ready for it. It is one of our amateur talent shows too - I still don't know who all has signed up for it or is planning to be in it.
I just wish I could have stayed home in bed today.
Alcohol is the antichrist. And a good friend. Too good a friend.
current mood: drunk
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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
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5:56 am - Hiding from Inspiration
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Well rather than deal with the situation, I am avoiding it. I feigned the whole business trip just to think and get a break. Then when he came over briefly last night, I was just distant and told him to call me later. I took a pill and went to bed at 8 o'clock last night and slept until 5:30 this morning and ignored the phone when he called.
Nothing like being a spineless wimp. I just don't want to deal with the confrontation. I am not in the mood for it.
current mood:  groggy
current music: Hedwig
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Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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11:35 pm - Circles and circles and circles again...
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"I'm so tired I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something
Much too deep..."
-Sarah
I think the inspiration has officially left. The super has left the model. It's nearing midnight and I have been so exhausted all damn day, but when we went upstairs to go to bed, all I could do was lay there... I waited til he was snoring and then snuck out of bed and came back downstairs to write and watch Lost Boys. Definately not a good sign. Even the novelty of sex has lost its appeal. I think this weekend just did it in for me.
A lot went on. A lot was revealed. A lot was realized. The most disturbing of which being that just as it has been in the past with persons unnamed, The Muse and I have our better times when we are drunk. Other than that, there is not a whole heck of a lot there. Not a road I wish to travel again. And it is not that I resent what vague relationship we have experienced, not in the least - my creativity has been refueled - which I desperately needed - but not at the cost of reliving the California years. This is quickly turning into yet another one night stand that went on far too long.
Once I realized the entire lack of substance beyond inebriation, and found myself lying to him and creating a business trip for the next two days just to get him out of my hair so I can think, I knew there is a problem.
But like (oh) so many of my problems, I am uncertain as to how to get out of it. I don't want to be the bastard that everyone claims I am and just tell him to fuck off, but I also do not want this to progress any further than it already has like it has. It offers nothing of benefit to me. I don't mean that to sound shitty - but in the long run I see it as being more of a determent than anything else. I have fought too long and too hard to get to where I am now - on all levels: emotionally, financially, professionally... to let another rip through my life and send me skidding back to square one.
So now I and left wondering "now what?" And how?
*sigh* How do I always get myself into this shit??? And how the HELL do I get out of it???
current mood: drained
current music: Christian Death
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11:11 am - aMUSEment dwindles...
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I am tired. Not like I need a nap, tired - just wore out. The Muse is - as I am discovering - so high maintenance... It's like a whirlwind around him - his energy level is sky high 24/7 and he must always command all attention. And I am just feeling like a big ol bitch because of it. I just want him to go away - for a while at least. Let me have at least a small break.
Then there are warning signs and red flags flying up everywhere. Though he has never been hateful or disrespectful to me, I can see the potential with the way he interacts with others. And it reminds me all too well of a certain other someone. So I don't know what to do. There is a reason that I stay single and refuse intimate friendships. I get bored - or tired - or just fucking done. I am about there.
current mood:  cynical
current music: Bauhaus
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Friday, February 27th, 2004
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10:42 am - It's what I have to work with... (OR) Love the front of me, honey...
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Tommy: Wha... what it that?
Hedwig: It's what I have to work with.
[Tommy backs away]
Tommy: M-m-my mom's probably wondering where I am...
[Hedwig slaps Tommy]
Hedwig: (yelling) You're such a fucking sissy. You are such a sissy! What are you afraid of, huh??!! What are you afraid of?!?!? What!?
Tommy: I love you. I love you!
Hedwig: Then love the front of me, honey!
This scene haunts me more than any in the film because it is so applicable on so many levels. Many of those I am dealing with now with The Muse. It could be speaking of my broken heart - which is what I have to work with - and I often feel he would rather back away and run from the scars and consequences of that. (Not that I can blame him.) It applies to the whole gay acceptance of Waco. "Love the front of me..." The Front being Me and who I am and all I stand for. Love me no matter what the situation or environment. I am so comfortable with who I am that I often forget it upsets people. I am a Fag. I have always been a Fag. I am happy being a Fag. I really don't think about it. This is me. If I want to kiss you. Touch you. Hold your hand. I don't often think of the reprecussions doing such could entail while browsing through Wal-Mart. It never occurs to me. And I guess, more than anything, that alone is what I want - someone who can love the front of me - love all of me - whenever, where ever, without thought or hesitation, and allow me to love them the same way in return. The Muse is not yet to that point - but perhaps and hopefully he will be. That would be the one thing I have a problem with more than anything.
I am not a secret.
I will refuse to be a secret.
Refuse.
Love the front of me, honey.
Love the front of me.
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: London After Midnight
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9:21 am - Letter to the Editor
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I just wanted to send a thank you out to our President and his insane proposal to amend the constitution to revoke “freedom, liberty, and justice for all” from the gay community of the United States of America.
This latest stunt has merely opened the eyes of many and lost him a multitude of re-election votes. He has single handedly burned his own bridges.
We are many. We are proud. We are citizens of this country and should be afforded each and every civil right as every other American. The fact that our own President is trying to write discrimination into the constitution to exclude us as a diversion to all his other blunders is atrocious. This issue of marriage does not bother me near as much as having such biased bigotry running our country.
At least now it is obvious. Thanks Bush.
Micael C. Luscombe
Waco
current mood: enraged
current music: Dixie Chicks
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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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11:35 am - Since Then, Part 1
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I thought California would be a new start. A way to make right all that had seemed to have gone so horribly wrong. I think now, the "We" that we were had been better off on the streets - on the run - on enough drugs and alcohol to kill an elephant - and oblivious. Once all that was gone, so were we.
Within a few months, I had landed the better of two jobs - found us a house - bought a new car... HE still wasn't working - and was still high. I had quit everything - even the mounds and mounds of coke and my avid penchant for cheap vodka. I'm not real sure when the beating began. I just know that hospital visits and hidden injuries were more common than they weren't. And I was the bad guy.
But I was stuck. I had nowhere to go back to. No one to turn to for help. I had moved to California so he could be back where he had come from. I thought it would help. I just didn't know I would lose myself in the process.
More to Come...
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11:22 am - Bazima
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This woman never ceases to fucking amaze me time and time again.
current mood: inspired
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10:29 am
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"The last time I saw you, we'd just split in two.
You were looking at me. I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar but I could not recognize
'cause you had blood on your face. I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
that the pain down in your soul
was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain that cuts a straight line
down through the heart.
We call it love."
Hedwig, The Origin of Love
…
I felt the walls last night.
Not real sure why, but there they were. Hello again, my old friends. Thought you had left.
He was distant. I shut down.
And today I am just in a phunk about everything. Kind of that "better to end it now than later." I just want to be left alone. Hole up in my house and lock everyone out. But am I still capable of doing that? Can I still live like that? I think the panic of falling has caused a retreat into The Fortress. I don't know. I am confused and depressed and discouraged and ... I suddenly am uncomfortable and not liking any of it. I think what it was is that he was so different around everyone else toward me last night - almost a Jeckyl and Hyde - well not hateful and violent - but a totally different dynamic. And I don't want to go there again. I did that for too long with Dopey. And I recognized it almost instantly - and it could just be he was tired - he didn't get off work and to the house til after 9 - so that may just be it - but then I feel like I am making excuses (yet again, another repeat).
Or am I just comparing everything to the worst of Shaun??? I don't know. I am apt to just walk away rather than risk going through all that shit again.
I am too old. Come too far. Been there. Done that. And ran like hell.
Bad thing is, the one person I would usually be able to talk to, I can't talk to because He threatens Her so, of course, She propagates every negative about the situation...........
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Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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12:23 pm - Forgotten
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Forgotten
Your taste is like poison
To my safety nets
Acidic unraveling
Loosing the ties that bind
Flavors long forgotten
Forbidden fruit
Knowledge that passion
Is transient
But sustaining
Your mind I crave
As much as your mouth
Your skin
Your touch
Your music captures me
Lifts me beyond the walls
Allowing contact
Whispers in the dark
Kisses in shadow
A sorcerer
Like none I have known
Magician nude
Muse to my art
My heart
My memory
I awaken to something new
Something once
I somewhere
Forgot to remember
© Micael C. Luscombe
02/25/04
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10:27 am - Catch me if you can...
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"It is clear that I must find my other half, but is it a he, or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complimentary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forcibly, or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?"
- Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I can't seem to get you off my mind. I find myself looking at the clock and wondering what you might be doing at that given moment. I still feel the touch of your lips against mine as you left for work this morning. My stomach butterflies and I feel like I can't get a deep breath… Am I beginning to fall? The walls have been so, so thick for so long that this is all foreign - all new… I don't remember this… This panic-like exhilaration. Voices warn me - "be careful, don't fall too fast, or too hard, or too soon." But it is happening without me. I remember the look in your eye last night and that silly grin when I asked you what you were thinking… You smiled and said "Nothing in particular; just you." And my breath caught in my throat. Of course, this, I did not convey to you - perhaps for little more than fear of rejection. I would rather you walk away than tell me no. But you do neither. You stay. And smile. And kiss. And hold me while I sleep. I feel like a silly, pig-tailed schoolgirl at moments and wish I had the means to tell you how I am feeling - what I am experiencing. But I cannot. At least not yet. Perhaps soon… So instead I write this, knowing you will never see it - but dedicating it you nonetheless.
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9:42 am - All Grown Up...
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My baby brother turns 18 today...
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8:14 am - My Screams Got Lost in a Paper Cup
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I'm trying not to move
it's just your ghost
passing through
These tears I've cried, I've cried a thousand oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness, well,
I can't believe that I would keep you from flying.
And I would cry a thousand more if that's what it takes to sail you home.
Sail you home. Sail you home.
I'm aware what the rules are, but you know that I will run.
Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday?
Funny how we think we change so much - lose so much of what we thought we were. I guess it is true that everything changes, but nothing is ever truly lost... Yet lost is all I feel lately. My world is shifting - and I think for the better. The Muse is becoming a large part of my life - my sister (by far one of my best friends) loves him to death - which means a lot - J. is bitter or jealous or The Gods only know what (the fuck) and has distanced herself - which has vastly changed the dynamic of my life - the job is going well (hazardously stressful but at least I enjoy what I do, right?) - The Mother is all but thankfully non-existant - perhaps I paid my dues last year - perhaps this year is the beginning... They say every moment is another chance to turn it all around - now if I can only hang on for the turn without fucking everything up - but I amazingly think that this time I won't...
current mood: pensive
current music: Tori
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