| Awkwardness.... |
[12 Mar 2003|04:35pm] |
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mood |
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I have been talking to Brian since we got here at 3:45. I didnt yell this time which I think he had been expecting.....he looked terrified when I said we needed to talk. I felt so uncomfortable with him in my house....I guess its just because he doesnt live there anymore. I sat down and told him that I had been dating a wonderful guy that loved me and Baylee both to pieces. I think he noticed the pictures scattered around the house of James and Baylee....and I'm not sure what he thought of it. I then went on to tell him that I also got dumped by this same guy a couple days ago and that has just made me feel 200% more undesireable than I was when Brian told me he wanted a divorce. I dont think he has ever seen me so out of it before and I now know he hade no clue I didnt want the divorce. He was speechless.....absolutely speechless. I admitted that I only said yes to it because I felt like he had needed an answer that second....and have regretted not saying no. He asked me if he could stay at my place instead of getting a hotel room and I agreed....there's plenty of rooms.
Before we left for the hospital I told him I wanted to make sure my mother wasnt there.....because my mother will kill him on sight if she's there when he comes. She's so mad at him...and I dont know what to say to anything she snaps about....she's blaming him for everything and making all sorts of accusations. Frankly, its making me mad too.
We got here to the hospital and Brian ofcourse wanted to hold Baylee. The nurse agreed and neither he nor I had expected the reaction he got. He picked Baylee up and to my dismay that baby just started screaming and crying and squirming like crazy. I couldnt believe it and the look on Brian's face was total hurt. I took Baylee and he quieted right down and fell asleep. I apologized up, down, left and right to Brian...I hadnt expected a reaction like that. I have tried desperately to keep Baylee's memory of his father alive with BSB songs, pictures, videos....everything I can....and I had thought it was working. I just cant believe this.....I left him in there alone and I am watching him....he's just sitting there with his head in his hands.......and its not my place to comfort him anymore. *sighs* If we were together....I could sit there and comfort him and tell him it would be ok...and hold him....but now...its just not my place.
I best wrap this up......I may go back in there in a second.
Brian- I'm so sorry about this......if I had known he'd be that way I would have never put you through that. I'm so so so so so sorry.
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