| ...organizing my thoughts... | ||||
| 11:57pm 10/06/2003 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
| Trapped | ||||
| 11:30pm 08/06/2003 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
| Private Entry | ||||
| 10:32pm 03/06/2003 | ||||
|
||||
| Post | ||||
| Heartfelt Prayers & Ramblings | ||||
| 03:32am 30/05/2003 | ||||
I've had no real direction since awakening. I've clung desperately to the haunting after-images of Ran. It seemed as if he was there like a burned in sunspot, reminding me of the last time I saw him and his smile at the festival. For two years I've clunged to that fading afterimage, that I saw every time I closed my eyes. Waking up in a world, gone wrong, twisted, new... was difficult enough. I was able to take some solace in mourning with someone who althouigh new to me, had at least known and cared for Ran. I drank in the offerings she gave me, trying to understand what he had gone through in those two years where I laid primarily in a hospital ward. In my mind's eye I saw him desperate to protect me and willing to do anything to do so, because he cared. I was naive. I have been nothing but a burden to him. When he needed me I wasn't there, I only caused him worry. He could not move on with his life with me hanging in the odd limbo I was in. He found something off another family, or at least to hear Sakura speak of them they seemed it. I have one picture from the time when he was working at the Koneko, the others of his team around him. The shot was so beautifully candid, I believed as well that they were soemthing of a misfit family. That thought had given me comfort. But I was there holding him back, like an albatross around his neck. He needed to drink of life, and instead he was drowning in a sea of duty, obligation, and guilt, all because of me. Mom, Dad... it would have been a mercy if I had just been killed back then. At least I'd be with you, where I was truly wanted, and he might have been able to find happiness. Watch after Ran please. If you've got any strings you can pull up there, see if you can get things to resolve quickly. I don't want to weigh Ran down anymore than I already have. Sorry, about the hair. I hope it didn't upset you mother. I know how you always liked it and told me it was the family pride. I just needed to start things anew I guess. Not like I have a clue what I'm going to do once this is all over. I've lived the last two years of my life in a shadow. I don't even know where to begin anymore. |
||||
| Read 7 - Post | ||||
| Dichotomies Lead to Insomnia... | ||||
| 09:03am 27/05/2003 | ||||
I realize I should have talked to Ran about Sakura, if I do not tell her that only makes me a hypocrite for keeping the truth from her, as he did from me. We're supposed to have a lunch-date later in the week, succeeded by a shopping trip to Shinjuka. she is supposed to have her summer trip photos developed, so I can hopefully inally see what her boyfriend looks like. She has known and kept many secrets, and I know she can be trusted with this one. She has realized that her feeligns towards Ran were friendship and gratitude, not the love her crush thought it was. I want to tell her, she mourned with me over Ran's believed death, and I hate leaving her in the dark, but I really do not feel free to tell her either. I really need to speak to ran about this. |
||||
| Post | ||||
| Kiss from a Rose on the Grave... | ||||
| 01:34am 23/05/2003 | ||||
I picked up a bouquet of tea roses, mother always did love those and we used to have them growing around our house. Most people may not realize it, but roses grown and bred exclusively for commercial use have lost a great deal of their wonderful scent through the years. These roses at least did not suffer from that flaw. They were a fragrant bouquet that brought back aching memories of what once was. I prefer going to the cemetery right before nightfall. It's usually more vacant then. When I go, I prefer there to be quiet. The quiet of a fading dream. Even the more tactile rituals, of running water over the rough hewn tombstones, the placement and arrangement fo the flowers, the clearing away of any debris, the lighting of incense never seems quite real enough to me. Oh I pray to them, of that there is no doubt. I talk to them too, and sometimes I cry. Today though... was a good day. For I wasn't left staring at the empty lot beside them wondering yet again if I should, even without a body, bury my brother. As dusk colored the sky, I bit my farewells for a time. The walk home in the cool night air was soothing, solacing. There is a healing in the night, and I know there is a healing beggining in me. Ironic, how you always remember the questions you forgot to ask when in the middle of another task. The walk home reminded me I never did ask Ran why I was abducted in the first place. When I got home, I cut a few geraniums from the garden. Placing the scarlet flowers in a small vase, and placing those on my windowsill. I shifted the blue and white potted violets from my table and onto the edge of the windowsill to join them. The flowers meant to convey a message to my brother. |
||||
| Read 1 - Post | ||||
| Sands through the hourglass... | ||||
| 06:40am 22/05/2003 | ||||
My anger, my grief, my joy is subdued this morning, last night was too emotionally draining for me. I am actually surprised I'm able to manage some form of coherent thought. Thoughts, memories, emotions, seem to be percolating through my system, steeping. His honest fear did manage to at least drain me of my wrath. Fear for my safety, and fear of how I would react to things he has done. But really, he is just as thick-headed as ever! It is a good thing I take more after our mother who was gracious, forgiving, and stubbborn. Speaking of that, I should go visit their graves later. |
||||
| Read 4 - Post | ||||
| Settling in... | ||||
| 12:01pm 21/05/2003 | ||||
Ironic when you consider I moved from one flowershop... only to work at another. To know that nii-san was a florist... somehow by working in that environment, and continuing to do so I feel connected to him somehow. Perhpas, it's more like I'm grasping after the fading scent of a rose drying up. Something intangible and unable to actually catch a hold of. I used to treasure the quiet times alone... and now... Well that is no longer the case. While I was sleeping--yes I know it sounds like some horridly cliche title for some hollywood film--I really had no conscious memory of that time... but somehow I feel as if I'm the one sleeping now. I cannot help but be reminded that La vida es sueña. Life is a dream. Perhaps we only awaken in death. |
||||
| Read 7 - Post | ||||
|
koneko_no_seika |
||
|
Friends Info Calendar Seika: Flower, Essence, Glory |
||