1:16pm:
Jimmy....

You know, I think I'm kind of scared of you. But happy birthday guy

10:02pm:
IAN IS MY FAVORITE. HE WHIPPED IT GOOD AND OFF MY CLOTHES CAME *cheesy grin* Oh wait I mean GRRR I'm mad, and I'm sad because Hayden doesn't love me and everytime I talk to him I get ignored. *sobs, steals Haydens car for attention* I THOUGHT WE WERE FAMILY!

ahem. I haven't seen much of Jake lately, or Mags, or Tobey, or Milla, or James, or anyone. Hayden hates me, and I don't really have any other friends. So thank god Ian came back, he wins. Thank you Ian I love you, I'm sorry you don't taste like cotton candy. I still thought you tasted good, it was close.

Have I pimped my cute icon yet?

7:58pm:
Eyes Like a Hawke
Is Jake Gyllenhaal making Kirsten Dunst's day? Hmmm. Have to think about that. You see, Mr. G., so swear some more sober members of Hell-Ay's party patrol, was seen--er, pardon me, please. Need to call Ethan Hawke...just take a sec. Want to get the perfect terminology for when one has a shapely 'n' stunning beauty at one's fingertips--say, Uma Thurman, for example--and then goes and diverts one's divining organs elsewhere.

As in one's tongue. Speaking with it, flirting with it, whatever wets one's boyish whistle.

.......

Cryptic Cupid P.S.: I hear K.D. ain't exactly a kiss in the park, so go figure.

Jakey who've you been smooching on around LA?

I'm not a kiss in the park!? If I knew what that meant I'm sure I'd have something to say about it *laughs*

1:40am:
So much for the whole "Dont take that the wrong way" explanation speech. But thank you Tobey, its all clear to me now.

3:50pm:
So my boy just won the US Open. I missed it, I didn't even know it was on. Tobey you can seriously push me off that building now. asdklfja;sld I'm so fucking pissed! I really wanted to see that. *bangs head against the wall....repeatedly....for hours*

10:15pm:
I've been thinking a lot about Tobey lately, ever since he showed the full picture of us in Hawaii. I really miss him, like I'm going to go crazy if things arent 100% back to normal between us. Besides the fact that I miss just joking around with him, I miss telling him everything going on with me. I miss trying to get out of him whats been going on with him, since I can barely get him to open up with me at times. But you know, I miss that. Its the little things, the random time spent doing random things that make it so good. But I guess most of what is going on with me lately involves Jake and I know I can't talk to Tobey about that. It's not right.

I think I talk about Jake a lot but...I don't know, I don't want people becoming upset thinking hes all I talk about. But you know hes my boyfriend and its normal that I would talk about him....just not normal to talk about him to Tobey. Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I sincerely love being with Tobey and its hard knowing that I have to hold things back from him now. But its hard knowing that I could hurt him with what I do and don't say, even with this. I want Tobey to know me, to know me as I really am, to know all of me...and when I hold things back its like I'm cheating him. And knowing that he probably has some things hes not saying to me makes me feel distant. I want that close feeling back.

I can barely even read him anymore. Is he still hurting? Is he over it? What is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he wondering all of that about me as well? The questions in my mind never stop. I wish I could talk to him about this directly, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll say or do something wrong, or that I'll want more of an answer than he is able or willing to give. I'm afraid of what he might say, and what he might not. No, I dont want to bring any of this up with him directly, but damn I can't just sit back and watch our friendship drift more and more in my mind. I wonder if he feels the same way. Am I acting distant? I've caught myself picking up the phone to call him and tell him little things that happened to me that day, to joke around, a lot of things. I usually end up setting the phone down. I guess if I'm letting this all out there then I should be okay to admit I'm afraid to talk to him now, but I'm afraid not to. But its not okay to admit that because he's always been such a stable solid person in my life and I'm not sure that he is anymore, and thats probably my fault.

Some people can read me like an open book, Mags usually can in a heartbeat. Tobey used to be pretty good at it too, I wonder if he still is. I don't want to BE an open book. There is a lot more that I want to write and talk about and get off my chest right now but I guess those are things that I'd like to share with people in private. Certain people. Tobey. He's usually so amazing with advice and support, but I can't talk to him about this. It would throw him off guard and I can't imagine him having any support and advice and it would just be bad to force him to listen to it. GOD WHY CANT I STOP THINKING? I just want my mind to go silent for once. I lay awake last night for so long not able to sleep because my mind was on overdrive and then when I did fall asleep I had bad dreams. I'm going to be home tomorrow, I need to go see him. I don't really know how I should act. I guess all that our friendship is right now is joking around and goofing on each other but it used to be so much more. I don't even know if that is possible right now.

I know I'm being redundant, and annoying, and I'm sorry. That's the story of my life. I'm more into myself than most people realize, I'm selfish without wanting to be, and I'm extremely high maintenance, yet I'm low maintenance. I don't need a lot of gifts, or a lot of money but I DO need a lot of attention, I talk alot and its usually about myself. Mags, Milla I know you girls love me but you have to admit it, if I'm not joking around then you know I'm talking about myself and what I'm feeling and thinking. But I want to be a listener and I try so hard to be a great friend and I think lately I haven't been doing that as well as I should because I'm so unbelievably caught up in myself. The distance between myself and everybody else? I'm the cause of that and I'm sorry.

3:28pm:
I am in love with Andy Roddick *drools at tv* This is the fourth round of the US Open and the first time I've been able to watch him play. He's going all the way this time. #1. *crosses fingers* I've been thinking about going to the Masters in Houston in November but I think I'm filming so I probably won't be able to. Ever since the start of filming for Wimbledon and even before, since I've been training with a tennis pro for months, I've just been obsessed with this sport. And if you watch Andy play, oh man he's just amazing. He is still young and a little hot headed at times and he gets outplayed a lot but he has some of the best comeback shots and placement that I have ever seen. And damn what a powerful stroke. And his serve? Holy shit he's fast. Did I mention I was in love? I'm also in awe. It would be amazing to play against him just one time and get my ass kicked really bad *laughs* but then I could say that I played tennis with Andy Roddick. He's only 20 years old and this kids got a long future ahead of him. I used to hate watching tennis on tv and I still do, unless he's the one playing. He's my boy.

10:11am:

I am the Which smiley are you?


I couldn't resist...but I got the blowjob guy so maybe I should have. I will return from Prague with Jake on the 4th and Milla I'm coming straight for you so you better be home.

8:11pm:
Mike (Kennerty) is adorable. Hi Mike! *waves*

Okay now that the fun part is out of the way. I'm going to ramble. Change, I hate it. Its like everything is perfect one day and then it all gets switched up but at the same time it remains exactly the same. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to do? Is what I used to do not okay anymore? I really have no idea. To be honest I really have no idea about anything. I really am just a dumb blonde, no okay shh yes I know you love me and awww no youre not well SHUSH. Yes. I am *laughs* But you know what its okay because I think everyone is, it just shows more in some of us than others. All of the times I pretend to know whats going on, I never really know anything. I dont even know the own meanings behind my own actions. I'm a huge flirt, and I'm a huge tease, not like a tease but...a teaser? I make fun of EVERYTHING! haha. I make wise cracks constantly. I dont know why I do it. I dont know, do I do it too much? Am I too much? This isnt a Kiki pity party oh wah wah I dont like who I am boo hoo *laughs* um, no. This is personal reflection, I'm curious. I know how I see myself but there is no way to know exactly how others see you. What I do and say can so easily be misinterpreted by others and I know that I misinterpret others as well. I guess I just want to be the best person that I can be. *sings* in the arrrrrrmy reserves haha. It sounds cheesy but its true. I want everyone to like me which I know isnt possible but I really do. And I want to be able to approach people and talk to people and sometimes I can but all these celebrity types? Everyone around here I dont know? Its like I'm afraid to start up conversations with new people. I'm afraid I will annoy them and they won't like me. Do I have reason to be afraid? Yes, I think I do. Thats why I'm doing all this self reflection. I want to be better, I want to be cool, I want to be the girl everyones like "Kiki? Oh wow shes great". IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?

11:05pm:
For some reason I'm not in a great mood tonight and I think I'm getting slightly annoyed at nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. So I'm going now before I like yell at someone. Night.

12:51am:
Maggie wins. She found something that combines 2 wonderful things that I adore, Jake and Frodo. Though together... I'm a bit scared *laughs* I mean what, this is the hottest thing since Milla and Peter Pan. ;-*

( Jakedo )

2:19pm:
ALI I have ( a present for you )

12:16am:
I need to learn not to push. Tobey and I were talking and I think I made him almost say something that he really didn't want to say. He was so hesitant and I tried to tell him he didn't have to tell me anything because I trust his judgment but I think he actually wanted to tell me. He was acting that way at least. You could tell he was struggling with himself about what to do, it led to awkward bouts of silence on the phone. However in the end our little talk left me just as confused as before, but I think its time to just deal with it and get over it. All I want is to stop feeling distant from him, to stop being afraid our friendship is strained, and for things to go back to the way they were before I ever said anything about Jake. But Tobey said it isn't even about Jake. Things feel so strange between us and he's right, its not good to do all of this over the phone. I was going to fly back to LA but I don't know. I might fly back to LA this week and come back a day or two before the wedding. I haven't seen Jake tonight and I want to discuss it with him first but I don't know. Why am I even writing any of this? Why am I still talking about this whole situation? *sighs* I'm just going to stop all mention of it now, except to myself and Tobey. I'll never stop worrying but I SHOULD stop complaining.

6:46pm:
I wish I understood everything going on.

....although sometimes just understanding isn't enough....

10:25pm:
I am lost in the darkness
Between two worlds and here I'm struggling

I can barely start to describe the way I am feeling right now. I have all these feelings flowing through my heart and then my mind is questioning what those feelings truly are. Its a constant struggle, what do you follow, your heart or your head. Don't just automatically assume your heart is the way to go because that gets you into a lot of trouble that you could have easily avoided while still getting what you want if you followed your head. Right now though I can't seem to do either. My heart is split into two, my mind is cloudy and shady at best. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of thinking I know what is going on and what I want and then finding out I am wrong. I hate how one minute everything seems fine then you talk about it out loud and it all comes crashing down to the point where you've spent 3 hours rambling on to people who care, but who really shouldn't have to deal with this because...well...YOU shouldn't have to deal with it. Because its stupid, because it doesn't really matter, yet it does.

Where is the line between just friends and something more? Where is the line where flirting stops being friendly and starts meaning something more? How do you balance people in your life who you love to death, but who will never get along? I have so many questions. I have so many fears. And I have so many doubts. I can't even trust myself right now. I've made a lot of poor decisions in my life. Lucky for me none of them have turned out extremely disastrous in the end but I've done a lot of things that maybe I shouldn't have done. Everything you do in life is an experience and every experience makes you stronger, yet most of the experiences I am talking about have ended up hurting myself or another person. I seem to do that extremely well and I'm just tired of it. No more of that! I guess the fact that its hard to sleep right now because I'm not used to the time difference yet isnt helping any. Jakeys not up tonight so he's not entertaining me and here I am, alone, thinking about this.

You'd think by now that I'd be over this
Instead I'm feeling sorry for myself
So why does everything seem desperate now
I should be feeling so alive
But it feels like something's missing
Something's wrong somehow


"From chaos comes clarity." No matter how confused it is right now, I will see clearly again. The fog will rise, the mist will disappear and the sun will shine again. Its funny how life sneaks up on you the way it does. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing and I'm a fool for even wasting any thoughts on it but right now it is one of the most important things to me. Its sad how fucked up my priorities are sometimes.

9:24pm:
( I love it when you call me hawt mama )

Did I ever tell you that I really love you and I think about you all day?
I really miss you and wish I could kiss you but why are you so far away?

Mmmmm the Ataris. And I might have a pair of those shorts somewhere actually among the PLETHORA of booty shorts I own I might add....

4:38am:
*sings high and off key* Leeeeeaving on a jet plane. Dont know when I'll be back again. Ahem.. Yes I'm off to join Jakey and Mags and the crew in Prague for Shan and Heaths engagement and more importantly bachelorette party. *thows hands in the air* Ain't no party like a Kiki party cause a Kiki party don't stop *coughs* Excuse me I seem to be coming down with something. Okay right so I'm headed out at the buttcrack of dawn and I'll be in Prague late evening here, middle of the night there. Awww I know you're going to miss me *looks out at the vast emptiness*....umm you should just come to Prague and scope out hot foreign blood with me. IM COMING SHAN DONT DO THE BACH PARTY WITHOUT ME



just jakey g: |rolls eyes and grunts| I'm a CHICK MAGNET.

ahahaha Jakey wins. I love that guy

8:29pm:
*points at icon*

So I was just kind of wondering what I would look like you know? We had this conversation yesterday, me and some of the girls. I just wanted to know. First of all I just look lopsided there *laughs* but its....interesting. hm. Of course I would never do something like that but I wonder if I really looked like the second one how would my life be different? Would guys pay more attention to me? Would I be offered more roles? Would I make more money? Our society is so superficially based, especially in the entertainment industry. Do I look better with bigger boobs? I'm perfectly content with the way I look, but really it brings up interesting questions.

10:53pm:
Okay fine yeah I freaked out but I hate moths, moths and craneflys. They have no respect for personal space. I'm just sitting here and all of a sudden a moth comes up behind my ear and gives me the chills and I freak out and shudder and jump out of my chair, just in time to be divebombed by a cranefly. I screamed and ran into my kitchen. Do you know how impossible it is to kill those things? They are full of nothing so you can't bat at them, there's not a lot to hit and it doesn't phase them. You have to wait until they are on the wall or the floor and then squish them and leave bug guts in your house. Moths are stupid though, or lazy I don't know. When they aren't flying around like the grossest creatures God ever made, they just sit there and let you kill them, they never try to get out of the way. Pure laziness. I mean if I was about to get killed I would sure as hell jump out of the way. Ew and then when you actually step on them.... They are all crunchy sounding and you can just feel it in your entire body and hear them squishing and *shudder* I just hate moths okay?

5:45pm:
If there is one thing I hate more than anything else in life it is being disappointed. I know you know what I'm talking about. You hope and assume things are going to be a certain way because certain people say they are going to be that way and then you start to realize things are nothing like that. You're just....disappointed. Your heart begins to ache because you wanted it so badly and you thought you were going to get it but then you realize it was all just a passing dream. Things never turn out the way you want them to and that shouldn't stop you from doing certain things but yet you wish that it DID stop you because then maybe you could continue living in the dream and never being disappointed.


On an unrelated note I saw Seabiscuit today and Tobey sure knows how to pick them, movies I mean. He never lets down, even as a punk kid with an unhealthy less than 5 minute obsession of Spab in SFW. I kept waiting for where I was supposed to cry though in Seabiscuit and it just never came. It was still a great movie. I hung out with Christian last night and we watched I am Sam and that one just made me cry, constant slow tears falling from my eyes, 8 tissues, and a whole lot of laughter out of my brother. ....What is it about retards that just makes it more sentimental?