I've been thinking a lot about Tobey lately, ever since he showed the full picture of us in Hawaii. I really miss him, like I'm going to go crazy if things arent 100% back to normal between us. Besides the fact that I miss just joking around with him, I miss telling him everything going on with me. I miss trying to get out of him whats been going on with him, since I can barely get him to open up with me at times. But you know, I miss that. Its the little things, the random time spent doing random things that make it so good. But I guess most of what is going on with me lately involves Jake and I know I can't talk to Tobey about that. It's not right.
I think I talk about Jake a lot but...I don't know, I don't want people becoming upset thinking hes all I talk about. But you know hes my boyfriend and its normal that I would talk about him....just not normal to talk about him to Tobey. Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I sincerely love being with Tobey and its hard knowing that I have to hold things back from him now. But its hard knowing that I could hurt him with what I do and don't say, even with this. I want Tobey to know me, to know me as I really am, to know all of me...and when I hold things back its like I'm cheating him. And knowing that he probably has some things hes not saying to me makes me feel distant. I want that close feeling back.
I can barely even read him anymore. Is he still hurting? Is he over it? What is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he wondering all of that about me as well? The questions in my mind never stop. I wish I could talk to him about this directly, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll say or do something wrong, or that I'll want more of an answer than he is able or willing to give. I'm afraid of what he might say, and what he might not. No, I dont want to bring any of this up with him directly, but damn I can't just sit back and watch our friendship drift more and more in my mind. I wonder if he feels the same way. Am I acting distant? I've caught myself picking up the phone to call him and tell him little things that happened to me that day, to joke around, a lot of things. I usually end up setting the phone down. I guess if I'm letting this all out there then I should be okay to admit I'm afraid to talk to him now, but I'm afraid not to. But its not okay to admit that because he's always been such a stable solid person in my life and I'm not sure that he is anymore, and thats probably my fault.
Some people can read me like an open book, Mags usually can in a heartbeat. Tobey used to be pretty good at it too, I wonder if he still is. I don't want to BE
an open book. There is a lot more that I want to write and talk about and get off my chest right now but I guess those are things that I'd like to share with people in private. Certain people. Tobey. He's usually so amazing with advice and support, but I can't talk to him about this. It would throw him off guard and I can't imagine him having any support and advice and it would just be bad to force him to listen to it. GOD WHY CANT I STOP THINKING? I just want my mind to go silent for once. I lay awake last night for so long not able to sleep because my mind was on overdrive and then when I did fall asleep I had bad dreams. I'm going to be home tomorrow, I need to go see him. I don't really know how I should act. I guess all that our friendship is right now is joking around and goofing on each other but it used to be so much more. I don't even know if that is possible right now.
I know I'm being redundant, and annoying, and I'm sorry. That's the story of my life. I'm more into myself than most people realize, I'm selfish without wanting to be, and I'm extremely high maintenance, yet I'm low maintenance. I don't need a lot of gifts, or a lot of money but I DO need a lot of attention, I talk alot and its usually about myself. Mags, Milla I know you girls love me but you have to admit it, if I'm not joking around then you know I'm talking about myself and what I'm feeling and thinking. But I want to be a listener and I try so hard to be a great friend and I think lately I haven't been doing that as well as I should because I'm so unbelievably caught up in myself. The distance between myself and everybody else? I'm the cause of that and I'm sorry.
Current Music: November Rain