Death on Two Legs' Friends

I want to go home now
I know my blog is depressing, I come on here to vent. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have emotional problems, I'm doing my best to deal with them accordingly. I guess if everything were peachy I wouldn't have much to write about at all. My emotions tell my story, and my story always seems a little more interesting because it's depressing, I force myself into these feelings because when something bothers me, it does more than just bother me, it kills me a little bit from the inside out. When I reflect on the past I feel good again, but when I look to the future all I can see is a jumbled mess and as I was thinking about it today I thought to myself I'd rather not be around for it.

Life is fucked, the older we get the more we are forced to despise things that we used to find joy in. I used to love Christmas, but now I hate it. if I could disappear with no questions asked for one month every year it would be the month of December. All I'm looking for is a little simplicity in this complicated world. What people don't understand is that when they guilt me, it's something that never really goes away it sticks with me and at times it even consumes me...and I just don't want to feel bad anymore, I don't want to feel this eternal guilt. That's the reason why I turned away from religion, because around every corner in this life is guilt, because a person can't be perfect and nothing in life ever goes perfectly and all this badness that's in me is so fucked up. I just want it to end, It makes me want to stop caring, but I can't it's not in my nature, maybe I just care too much. I just want to get to a point where it can be okay for me to feel peace inside, and it doesn't come from Religion, and it doesn't come from Family or Friends it has to come from me, but I look at myself and I don't allow myself to be at peace. I don't think I really deserve it. There's a war going on inside me and I have a feeling that either way I'm going to lose.

I'm going to keep giving my love away to everyone, I need to, I'm storing up my love for everyone around me because everyone deserves it, it just wears me out so bad sometimes...I don't want to have anything, but love for anyone in this world. I just want to give people hope. But how can I inspire hope when I feel so hopeless. and how can I keep giving love when I hate myself. I'm sitting here again pouring my emotions into this fucking computer because I need to get them out of my heart and I need to get out of my head. I just need to love and be loved and try to be happy. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense, I don't even want to post it, but at least I'm starting to feel better for now, I gotta remember to fight each battle one at a time.

Current Mood: contemplative