JOEL MADDEN @ BLURTY DOT COM

Wednesday, 04Jun03 :: 04:23am

	mood	::	content
	music	::	TBS - Your Own Disaster

It's the best thing when you can talk to your wife like she's a friend. Not a wife, but a best friend. If you don't know what I'm talkin' about then you prolly aren't married.

Oh, and it's also the best when you can start a deep conversation with her layin in bed together, right before you go to sleep, and she doesn't get pissed. She answers your questions and throws in her own knowledge, even though she's fuckin' tired and prolly wishes you'd roll over and fall asleep.

This is the shortest update I've ever had. More later.

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Monday, 02Jun03 :: 02:19pm
Title this.

mood :: um

music :: Taking Back Sunday - Great Romance

I went old-school with my icons.. and I do mean old-school. Hell I even threw in a couple from our yearbook. *smirks*

This is completely to Mandy. So don't read unless you wanna hear a bunch of sap.

I was sitting outside your room the other night. I couldn't sleep. How could I sleep with everything that's been goin' on lately. But I didn't leave. I know I told you I felt like going to a bar and having it out alone cause of all the stress that I've been having. I didn't go though. I don't know if you're supposed to be proud of me or what, this is a stupid habit I've started and I'm quitting it.

So I sat there and I watched patients, nurses, and doctors all walk by. And I started thinkin' about you and me. I swear once I start into thinking about us, it'd take an earthquake to wake me back into reality. So I was thinkin' about everything that's happened and I think I realized some things. I feel like we've been standing on shaky ground lately. I don't know if you've seen it or not, but I have. Mainly because as casual as you bring some things up, I know you're dead serious. The whole talk about you thinking I'm too good for you or that you're bad luck, and maybe one day I'll wake up and realize that we shouldn't be together. I tell you no, and I tell you how you're more important than anything and nothing that's happened is your fault. But I don't know if you really hear me. I'm pretty sure you don't. Usually something interrupts us and we change the subject.

So I'm writin' this out right now. Because no matter how many times I try, when I'm put on the spot like that I can't come up with the right words. I write lyrics from my heart, but when it comes to talking to you and tellin' you how much you mean to me. I do nothin' but stumble over my words. It's like I automatically assume that you know how much you mean to me. That you know how important you are to me. I guess I assume that you can read my mind. But I know that's not true. So when you say stuff like that to me, when you tell me your doubts, the only thing I can think to say is, "you know that's not true." Which is stupid, cause obviously you're lookin' for reassurance.

Mandy. You're not even Mandy to me. You're Amanda Leigh Moore Madden. My wife.. my partner. I always saw myself gettin' married, settling down and having kids. I just didn't know it'd be with you. I didn't even know it'd happen this fast. I didn't think I'd ever meet someone who made this happy. You made me happy though, even before we became a couple. Just as friends, when we'd play on the bumper cars, and on the Ferris wheel. God, you were so beautiful that night. Even when you were yellin' at the couple in the cart above us to get a room. You were beautiful in all the lights. I'm sorry I never told you that. I thought you were so cute when you kept makin' jokes about everythin. I stole your cotton candy and you bit me. *smirks* I found myself wantin' something more with you that night. Just slightly though, then we'd both make some kinda brother and sister comment, and we'd go back to that havin that kinda relationship. I was pretty confused at the time. I just ended things with Nat and I was leanin' on a different person other than you, but then there was you. Durin' all of that you were the only one who made me happy. You took all my shitty problems and turned them into thin air. They just vanished with you that night. I was so concerned with getting the black bumper car that I forgot all the things that were killin' me at the time. That's powerful. I think it's safe to say that I've never met anyone like you before. One of the greatest things about bein' with you is that you still do that to this day. You still make my problems go away. You don't even have to try, just smile at me and touch my cheek and I swear everythin's a hundred times better than it was before.

Remember when we went cow tippin? When we talked about Grease and gave each other nicknames. Did I mention how much fun I have with you? Every day is exciting with you. You don't even have to say or do anything. Just look at me, give me that pout, that smile, just look at me.. your eyes tell me everything. Every day I've spent with you has been the best day of my life. No one can ever take those from us. No one can ever ruin those moments for us.. no matter how hard they try to mess up our lives. We're stronger than that.

Remember the night we got married? We were at Toys 'R Us and Benj called. Told us he had a priest waiting for us.. we thought he was crazy. I thought you wanted a big wedding, with all of the decorations and all of our family there. When you said that none of that stuff mattered to you I got nervous, really nervous. But I was happy, cause I knew what was about to happen. I remember it so vividly, it's funny to think about now. I started walkin' backwards toward the front doors of the toy store, I grinned at you and was like "let's do it. let's get married." I'll never forget the expression you gave me. Right before you ran and jumped into my arms. It's the same expression you had when we found out you were pregnant. Then again with twins.

You're the person I cherish most in this life. You're my life, my love, my heart. We've had our ups and downs. It seems we've had a lot of downs lately. People comin' in and trying to mess with us. But we're not gonna let them, cause like I said before, we're stronger than that. In the past, no matter what's happened we've always pulled through. You've always been a strong person. Even recently with bein' pregnant, I know it wasn't the easiest thing for you to do. To be pregnant with twins and havin' me gone doing shows and promo work all the time. You were strong though and you made it through.. carryin' our babies. I still remember wakin' up in the middle of the night to your stomach pressed up against my back and the babies were kicking me. No matter how many different ways I layed there they still kept kicking me. *chuckles* I think they're a little protective over you. But it's good. I want them to take care of you, to look out for you. I know they're just babies. But when they grow up they're gonna realize just how important having a mom is. You remind me a lot of my mom. You're strong like she is. If something ever happened to me, I know you could take care of our family and raise them right. Don't worry, nothings ever gonna happen to me. But it's comforting to realize how independent you are.

You're still that girl to me, the girl I went to the carnival with, the girl I went cow tippin' with, the girl I jumped into the lake with. You're still her. No matter what curveballs life throws at us. No matter how big our family gets or how complicated life gets, I know you're still that person. I hope you know that I'm still the same guy. Every day I live just to see you. Just to see your smile, just to hear you say my name. I swear you're the only thing that keeps me goin.

Now the babies are here. And I'm lovin' you even more than before. I'm seeing this whole other side to you that I never new existed. The way you hold the babies. So confident, like you know exactly what to do. I know you read a lot and asked people alot of questions to prepare yourself for this. But even the stuff you couldn't prepare for, the loving and nurturing side that's taken over. I love it. I love watching you with them. You look like you've been takin' care of them for years. You're even teaching me how to. The other night when you taught me how to burp Daniel. I didn't tell you this, but that was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. I know it's pretty unconventional to get excited over things like dirty diapers and baby spit up. But I'm excited. We just opened up this whole new chapter to our life together and I'm excited as hell to get started. We're gonna be there for all of it, all of their firsts. When they crawl, walk, talk, go off to school. It's gonna be you and me through it all. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here, they were just born a few days ago. But I don't care. I'm lookin' forward to sharing all of those things with you. Hell I'm even lookin' forward to the bad times, because I know in the end we're gonna come out even stronger than before.

You're the best Mandy. I'm glad someone decided to bless me with the best. So, I hope this kinda squashes your idea that I'm too good to be with you. Cause honestly, I'd be nothin' if it weren't for you. I know havin' doubts is a part of being human, but I don't like it that you have them. Cause I'm not better than you, and you're far from bad luck. You really are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and to sum this up. You complete me. And that's not just a line or a figure of speech. I'm dead serious. I need you here with me in my life. And no matter what happens in this life I'm always gonna be there for you. I made that promise to you on our weddin' day and I'm still livin' by it. I love you. From Little Things to Rubber Ducky, I love you. Heh. That was kinda gay, but you know what I mean. You're.. amazing.. in every possible way. You really are.

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Saturday, 31May03 :: 02:18am
lost without you.

mood :: miss Mandy

music :: Journey - Faithfully

( Mandy.. )

Every time I start tryin' to write an update I just end up deleting it and starting over. It's getting to be a pain in the ass so I'm just gonna talk and whatever comes out, well, comes out.

I said goodbye to Mandy and the babies early this morning. It was the crack-ass of dawn to be specific and I kissed Mandy bye, then she woke up, and we hugged for a few minutes before I grabbed my stuff and left. I went by and saw my kids too.. which feels weird to say now.. but I saw them. I stood there and watched them sleep, I even talked to them. I'm not really gonna share what was said, it was kind of a father to sons moment more than anything. But after I did that I leaned over and kissed the glass. Which is funny, cause yesterday I was makin' fun of Mandy for doing that and here I was doin' the same thing. But like she said.. can't kiss them, might as well kiss the glass right? Trent and Daniel. Fuck, I still can't believe they're here. They're beautiful, you know, they're the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. 'Sides Nathan of course. *chuckles*

It was hard leaving them all there. Hell, it's hard right now knowing they're all at the hospital and I can't even be there to take care of all of them. Especially Mandy. I talked to her on the phone today.. actually she sent me a text and we talked that way until I got pissed with the stupid buttons and I dialed her number. *smirks* I asked her if she had any surprise visits from Nat and she said "no, not yet." The "yet" part is what killed me. I can't be there to protect her and it's the worst feeling in the world. I should be there to protect my wife and my kids. They're my responsibility.. but so is my career. I know. I'm hopin' that Nat getting her head shoved through a window knocked some sense into her. Yeah. *scratches his eyebrow* Right. Maybe it at least knocked her out good enough so she won't be comin' around for awhile.

Benj pointed somethin' out to me yesterday. Something that apparently had been bugging Mandy and I didn't even know about it. See, whenever I get upset about something.. the first place I tend to want to go to is the bar. Honestly I didn't even see it. I didn't realize that I'd been doin' that way more than I should until Benj brought it up. Then I realized that I do do that a lot. Instead of bringin' my problems and talkin' them out with Mandy, I usually just go to a bar, down a few drinks, and figure things out on my own. Now, I don't know how anyone else sees that, but to me it's not right. Mandy's always bringing her problems to me. Even if they have nothin' to do with me. She's always right there wanting to talk them out with me. But not me, I haven't been doin' that with her. We were layin' down next to each other in the hospital bed and talkin' about it. She had the worst look on her face. A look of bein' severely hurt. It's like.. she just now realized what I'd been doing and her reaction to it was the worst thing I'd ever seen. She tired to cover it up though, she tried to tell me that it was okay if I wanted to do things that way, and that I didn't have to bring my problems to her. But shit, I want to. It's part of bein' married and I really do want to be able to share things with her. It's just hard to change a habit I guess. Like Benj said.

I almost went there tonight. To the bar. I think I'm way more upset about Mandy and the babies not bein' here than I'm letting on. I didn't go though, I think I'm more determined to cut that habit than I've ever been at anything. Cause I love Mandy more than anything. *shrugs* She deserves the best.

Oh, Benj.. Brody.. just wanna let you guys know that I'm here for both of you. I know there's some shit goin' on right now that I'm not gonna get into. But yeah, I'm here if either of you need to talk.

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Thursday, 29May03 :: 01:56am

mood :: confused

( this is what keeps me going every day. )

If you try to mess with her. I'm gonna fuckin' beat your ass. Got that? Good.

Everyone knows what happened earlier. Nat pushed Mandy down a flight of stairs. I emphasis push because Nat's been bitching all day about hot it a "nudge" and it was an "accident." She can go fuck herself because I've heard that excuse from her way too many times.

I think the whole shock of today is finally setting in. I was in denial earlier when I found out what happened. I was talkin' to Benj about it and it just hit me that I wasn't buying it. That I wasn't taking it in and accepting it as.. that's what really happened. I kept expecting Mandy to come bouncing through the doors, yelling something about McDonald's or Chuck E. Cheese. But of course that didn't happen.

Nat came by and all hell broke loose. She got into a fight with Benj, and me and her fought too. We were just fightin' verbally but then she started saying shit, purposely tryin' to provoke me to hit her. So I did. I've never hit a woman in my life, but she fuckin' deserved it for the shit she's said and done. I slapped her across the face with the back of my hand, and she hit me in the jaw after that. We just started yellin' at each other and pushed each other around. She kneed me in the crotch. Cause let's face it.. when all else fails you gotta knee a guy in the crotch right? I don't think she knows how to win a fight without kneeing a guy. Oh, except for when she pulls out a knife and cuts my brother. Fuckin' bitch.

After she left, my anger subsided and I was doing nothing but worrying. I went in to see Mandy. She seemed to be doin' okay at first. But then the next thing I know she was grabbing her stomach and screaming from pain. I didn't know what was goin' on. So I ran out the door and yelled for some help. Some nurses came inside and they wheeled her into the delivery room. I had to put on a gown thing and a mask to be in there. She was in a lot of pain, I almost couldn't stand to watch. But I was there for her.. or I tried to be. I held her hand as she pushed and tried to show encouragement. She kinda turned on me there, yelling at me for gettin' her pregnant *chuckles* But it's aight. I'm not holding it against her.

The babies were born. Everything seemed fine until they came and put the babies into our arms. I was holdin' Trent and looking down at him. This tiny.. baby. The smallest one I'd ever seen. I didn't even get a chance to register what was happenin' before the nurse came and took him and Daniel away. Mandy started crying. She cried a lot. She even cried as this TV show she was watchin' in the room later on. Dawson's Creek. Yeah, someone died on it or somethin and Mandy was cryin' like a baby. *smirks* I kinda laughed at her and she hit me with a pillow. We joked around a little after that. I think that with all this shit goin' on, it's good that we're still able to laugh with each other. It's kinda comforting.

We went and saw the babies together after that. They're so fuckin' small and helpless. They've got all these machines surrounding them and they're in these glass containers. I could barely stand to see that. But I stood there, and I put my hand on the glass and just looked at them. They're my babies, mine and Mandy's twin boys. And they're gonna be okay. Like I told Mandy.. it's just temporary. They're gonna stay in there and get good and strong, and then they'll be out and *pauses* be fine.

*rubs his face with his hands*

I need to talk to Benj. He always has words of wisdom and shit. Might sound crazy, but I know I can depend on him to tell me somethin' that'll make sense and put this whole damn thing into perspective.

I'm really glad Mandy's okay. I don't know what I would do if somethin' happened to her. She's.. my life. I get depressed when she's not around. That picture she put up of me. That was taken the day before she got back from her trip. I remember that whole day, bein' depressed that she wasn't there. It really got to me. Benj showed me a different picture earlier, and I went and found some and looked through them. I didn't realize me being sad would show that much. But what can you do. At least she's back with me now.

Course now with the babies in the hospital.. she's gonna have to stay here while I'm out doing this tourin' thing. Fuck. I just wanna be happy and I want all this shit to stop. I want Mandy here by my side, I want the babies to be strong and healthy and able to leave the hospital. Is that really askin' for a lot? Seriously. I'm not that bad of a guy. I think I deserve some good things to happen here.

*sighs* I'm staying at the hospital tonight if anyone needs me. Benj, call me when you can.

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Tuesday, 20May03 :: 03:27am

mood :: restless

music :: Frank Sinatra - Stardust

You know what sucks? When you keep missin' calls from your wife and she keeps missin' yours. Yeah, that's the epitome of suckass..ness. Right there. Brody misses Benj too, so me and her had a nice talk tonight about missin'
our significant others. We're makin a petition and everyone in the community is gonna sign it to bring Benj back. Oh, plus it wouldn't hurt to have Billy and Paul come around. And Chris.. well.. he never came around anyways. And Kelly, haven't heard from her in awhile.

Mandy should be comin' back soon. I honestly can't wait. It makes me feel like shit to hear about bad things happening to her when I can't do anything to fix them, hell I can't even catch her on the phone to talk about it all with her. Honestly the only thing keepin' me going is knowing that she's gonna be back soon.

What else.. Oh. *smirks* I got into a fight tonight. I went to a bar and sat there and had a couple drinks. Then this guy came over and started messin' with me.. I really don't know what his problem was. Either he recognized me from the band or he was just some drunk fuck who thought it'd make him look cool to start shit with his friends watching. He looked like one of those frat kids.

Yeah so he comes up to me and I'm sitting there watching the television. And the guy starts literally picking at my shirt, so I turn and look at him of course and shit just kinda plummeted from there. He started callin' me shit and I was just staring at him and laughing cause he was being an idiot. Next thing I know his fist hit my nose. Asshole. So I recover.. yeah I was really graceful about it. I stumbled off my seat and grabbed my nose, then I looked at my hand and there was all this blood all over it. So I basically attacked the fatass. I don't know what the hell his problem was. Last time I checked the only people who randomly start fights in bars are losers who don't get enough attention from mommy.

Listen to me, I sound more like a teenage punk than I do a husband and a soon-to-be father. Haha. Ah well, what do you expect. It's not like I started the fight. In fact I usually do everythin' I can to keep fights from breakin' out. Just ask Benj. But this guy just really pissed me off.

Aight I'm done talkin' about it. We each got a couple punches in before he decided to back off. Then I came back to the bus.. fixed myself up, so to speak. Tried to call Mandy but there wasn't an answer. She was prolly in bed. When she gets back I'm gonna tie her to a chair or somethin. Actually nah, that might be kinda unpleasant. But you get the point, I can't stand having her away for so long.

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Sunday, 18May03 :: 03:17pm

mood :: blank

music :: Social Distortion - I Was Wrong

Wow, where the hell have I been? *shrugs* This whole updatin' thing kinda lost it's appeal when Mandy left. I realized I had nothin to talk about. haha. Nah seriously, I've just been busy with touring, eating, sleepin'.. all that good stuff. So this update will be short, cause.. I'm outta the loop with some of the things goin' on around here. Heard Chris and Willa got engaged? Congrats.

Man this tour is wearin' me down worse and worse every day. We're in uh.. Texas. Saw Evanescence perform yesterday. Me and Benj stood off to the side of the stage and watched. They were good. And now I'm just talkin' about random bullshit cause I miss my wife. Haha fuck.

Where'd Benj go? Looks like he hasn't been updatin' either. What the fuck. We're slacking.

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Wednesday, 14May03 :: 02:54am

mood :: missing mandy

music :: quiet

So I dropped her off at the airport.. I guess it was a couple hours ago. It was the hardest thing I've prolly ever had to do. We haven't spent a night apart since we first got together. You know. She was already on tour with us when we got together and ever since that night we've always been near each other, always sleepin' in the same bed. Every time I woke up she was always there, and every time I came back to the bus she was there. Whenever I turned my head to find her she was always right there lookin' back at me.

You know I tried really hard to stay positive 'bout this. Tryin to reassure her that it wouldn't last long. Hell I even made her promise me that she wouldn't cry. Course that went into the shitter when we were standing at the airport. It's my fault though.. I got on my knee and kissed the babies bye. *smirks* I shoulda known that would make her tears start flowin'. I couldn't do anything to stop it though, so I just pulled her into my arms and we stood there for who knows how long just talking, hugging, and kissing. Neither one of us wantin' it to end. But man, when she got on that plane my heart went with her. I've never felt so depressed.

Who the fuck knew that bein' without someone for a week and a half could cause so much fuckin' pain? Doesn't help that Benj showed up and started raggin on me 'bout missin her. HAHA

joel m owns: the fuck I miss her.
benj hates you: How long she been gone?
joel m owns: Like.. half an hour.
benj hates you: You already miss her? HAHA

*smirks* Yeah. I'm pathetic I know. But it's seriously killin' me right now, knowin' that I'm about to go to sleep in an empty bunk. When I wake up she's not gonna be there, and when I come back home tomorrow she won't be there tackle me down and smother me with kisses.

I think I'm more worried 'bout her than I am about me though. I want her to be safe and I want the babies to be safe. I wanna know that she's gettin to where she needs to be safely and that nothin's goin wrong. I need to know that she's not havin nightmares and wakin' up without me there to hug her and hold her tight, and that no one's messin with her or causin' her any problems. I told her to call me every 5 minutes.. no wait, I'm supposed to call her every 5 minutes. Yeah that's it. Either way.. there's gonna be some high phone bills.

She's thinkin' about staying in NC once she gets the house. I'm not even sure what I think about that. Kinda mixed emotions. I want her here with me.. I need her here with me. But I know it hasn't been easy on her to be 6 months along and living on a bus with a bunch of other people plus a baby. So I guess whatever she decides I'll have to respect that. I don't know how I'm gonna do it though, I already miss her like fuck and this is only for a week and a half, not a whole fuckin' 3 months.

Fuck. Even right now just lookin' around the bus and not seein' her is killing me. Aight I'm gonna stop with the sappy "I miss Mandy" post and go crash.

Peace.

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Monday, 12May03 :: 09:21pm

mood :: productive

music :: Splendor - Yeah Whatever

Yeah yesterday was Mother's Day. I sent mom some flowers and this gift certificate to a day spa. Told her it was from both me and Benj cause I wasn't sure what he had planned to give her. When I was on the phone with her she kept sayin' "I can't believe you're having twins" over and over again. *chuckles* I gotta start watchin my mouth around her. She gets pissed when I slip up and say a cuss word. I have to watch my mouth around Brody too cause she doesn't want anyone cussin' around Nathan. Damnit.

Last night I did kind of a mother's day celebration thing with Mandy. I gave her roses and I took her out to this lake, where I had a blanket and candles and food and everything waitin. It was pretty nice. I played a song for her on guitar.. which I only know a few chords, so I can't say it was the greatest thing. But hey at least I tried. Then she played a song for me, which was an awesome song. She really amazes me with that voice of hers, there's nothin like it.

Today on the other hand, wasn't as great. I got a call earlier from Mandy tellin me to come home. So I dropped everythin I was doin and went back to the bus. I get there and she starts tellin me how Nat did somethin to her, I kept askin what happened and she told me that Nat "accidently nudged" her with a car. A fuckin' car. You can't nudge someone with a car. You either hit or you miss someone with a car. So I asked Mandy if she was hurt and I looked down and there was all this blood inbetween her legs. Then I freaked out and rushed her to the hospital. When we got there they rushed her into the back where the bullshit doctors kept tryin to make me stay out. But Mandy told 'em to leave me alone and they finally let me in without hassling me.

Mandy.. she scared the shit out of me. She looked pale and she was breathin' heavy. There was all this blood everywhere and she looked like she was 'bout to pass out at any minute. When I went in there I grabbed her hand and the first thing she said to me was "I don't want to lose the babies" I tried to my best to keep her calm without freakin' out myself. I told her that it was gonna be aight, and that I was more worried about her than the babies. And I was.. don't get me wrong. I love the babies. But when it comes down it, I'd rather have Mandy by my side than any baby. You know? She's my partner, the love my life.. there's no way I could keep livin' if somethin ever happened to her.

The babies turned out to be okay, but the doctor said Mandy needed surgery. Somethin' about a blood clot. I wanted to stay with her but they told me I had to wait out in the waiting room. So I told Mandy that I loved her and that I'd be right outside waitin' on her.

One thing I hate about waitin' is that it gives me way too much time to think. I went over everythin' in my mind. From the first time I met Mandy, to that night at the club, to when I proposed to her, to our weddin' day, to our honeymoon.. to when we found out she was pregnant.. and then pregnant with twins. We've been through a lot together. I thought about every bad moment and every good moment. Every moment when I said somethin that pissed her off or made her sad or annoyed and vice versa. Which there was only a few of those times, the majority of the time it's been nothin' but happiness for us. She's always made me happy. Since the day we got together, she's been nothin' but fun and happiness. I always look forward to comin back to the bus to see her, I always look forward to us bein together at the end of the day cause that's always the highpoint of my day. Just to see her laugh and smile, she loves to surprise me by takin' me to places. And I know this pregnancy lately has been throwin' us some weird curveballs, but honestly I think we're handling it all pretty well.

I ended up callin' Nat and talkin' to her while I was in the waiting room. We started screamin' at each other. I was pissed at her. No I don't believe that what happened was an accident.. I don't think you can drive around a corner and not see a pregnant woman standin' there. Sorry but I'm not buyin' that. The thing with Nat though.. she was more concerned about savin' her own ass than bein' concerned with how Mandy was doin. All she kept sayin was "it's not my fault" all the fuckin' time. She even tried to blame Mandy for what happened. What kind of shit is that?? "Oh well she shouldn't have been stepping off the curb like, makes it hard for someone to see her when they're driving around the corner." Yeah, fuck you.

I talked to Benj too. He kinda started freakin' out on the phone asking me how Mandy was and if the babies were alright. I told him they were alright and I told him about the surgery and the blood clot. He's an awesome guy, you know. Whenever I'm havin' a problem I know I can call him and get advice and he's right there with my back. He gives the best advice, despite what you may assume 'bout him. He may fuck up sometimes and piss people off by sayin' things he doesn't mean, but when it really comes down to it, he still has a good head on his shoulders and he's great at knowin' what to do in situations. And yeah, Benj is always right. HAHA. There I said it. Nathan's a lucky kid.

After a few hours, they wheeled Mandy out and I took her home. She was fine honestly. When we finally stopped talkin' about what happened and started focusin more on us, she lit up and got happy like nothin bad had ever happened. I held her, I don't know why that feels weird to say since I always hold her. But this time, I held her. I told her I was scared as shit 'bout losin her in the hospital and she made me pull off to the side of the road where she told me I was never gonna lose her. Then I pulled her into my arms and just held her there. It felt like it was the first time I'd ever held her and I never wanted to let her go.

Yeah I sang *cough* and danced *cough* the rubber ducky song for her too. *smirks* Hey don't ever tell me I'm not a good husband. If I can make my wife laugh that hard I must be doin somethin right.

So everyone, please direct your flowers, get well cards, and candy towards Mandy.. care of.. well, me. Thanks. Haha.

I love you Mandy. Always will.

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Sunday, 11May03 :: 03:51pm

mood :: anxious

I let you down
Let me pick you up
I let you down
Let me climb up you to the top
So I can see the view from up there
Tangled in your hair
I let you down

So I fucked up. *swallows* If you don't know what I'm talkin' about, go read Mandy's post about it. I know she's tryin' to either make it look like it ain't a big deal, or that it ain't my fault. But I know it's my fault. I know everytime we're together all I can talk about are the babies. I must be an idiot for not realizin how it was affecting her. She's right about it. I haven't been giving her much attention.

We already talked about this before, when she was in the hospital for food poisoning. I guess I said somethin' to her that made her think I was more concerned about the baby's health than hers. Which wasn't true at all. I was worried 'bout them both. I tried my hardest to convince her then that she's the most important person in my life.. and she is. But maybe my actions are livin' up to my words.

When she told me last night what was buggin her, I didn't see it comin'. I thought it was gonna be somethin about how she doesn't wanna leave me for this comin' up week thing here, and she'd miss me or somethin. Not that.. not what it was. She said the words though and I felt my stomach drop. The only thing I could say was "oh." How do I answer somethin like that.. "I feel like you care more about the babies than you do about me." How do you answer that. Apologize? Deny it? I've done it all before and she still feels that way. I care about the babies, but Mandy comes first in my life.. first and foremost. I just wish I could make her see that.

I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see
what's on my mind
You could look inside and see
what's on my mind
I let you down, oh, forgive me
You give me love
Let me walk with you
Maybe I could say
Maybe talk with you, open up
And let me through
Don't walk away
Don't walk away

She turned her back to me after that and said goodnight, so I said "yeah," rolled over and just layed there, tryin to think of a way to fix this. I think she thought I was mad, but I wasn't. It was like this instant depression took over and I felt like the world just crashed and burned. I felt like a failure, like I failed her as a husband. I kept goin' over and over it in my head, tryin' to remember everything I'd said that day to figure out what I said that made her feel that way. Then tryin' to figure out how to make it better, how to make her see that she's more important than anything. Maybe I should've just rolled over and took her into my arms. But I felt like I didn't deserve it. Like.. cause I let her down I didn't deserve to have her layin' in my arms.

I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see
what's on my mind
I let you down
How could I be such a fool like me
I let you down
Tail between my legs
I'm a puppy for your love

She eventually got me to turn around and talk to her. We argued some over who's fault this was. And then we fell asleep, with her in my arms, like nothin was wrong.

We're at her parents house and everything seems to be goin' okay so far. This is hard though, to smile and be polite while inside I'm worryin myself to death over me and Mandy. I gotta do somethin to make her feel special. Somethin.. really good. I know Benj always gives Brody stuffed animals and flowers. Maybe if I did thoughtful stuff like that more often this wouldn't have happened. I wanna make her feel important and beautiful. Cause that's how I see her. She is beautiful to me. Just as beautiful as she was the day we got married, maybe even more than that. She doesn't see it though. She thinks she's ugly and fat and she thinks that I'm gonna fall out of love with her. But it's not true, none of that is. And I'm gonna spend every damn day tryin' to convince her of it if that's what it takes.

I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see
what's on my mind,
oh it's you
I let you down
I'm a puppy for your love
I'm a puppy for your love
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
I let you down

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Saturday, 10May03 :: 01:42am

mood :: happy

music :: Oasis - Aquiesce

So to skip straight to the point. Benj and Brody were right earlier when they said Mandy looked bigger than a pregnant woman at 6 months normally looks. We're havin twins. Two boys. Little Madden brothers. *chuckles* You hear that everyone? Watch yo back, us Madden boys are takin over. Hah. Mandy fainted on the table when we found out, and I had to sit down. I don't even know what to say 'bout it. I'm so fuckin' excited that every 2 minutes I'm sayin somethin about the babies. Ask Mandy. We need to get a house so we can get a nursery together, buy baby clothes, pick out names. I'm goin crazy with excitement over here. We got the picture printed out from the sonogram and I hung it up in the bus so everyone who walks in can see.

Oh you know what Benj? I came up with a revolutionary idea today. We need MADE baby clothes. *smirks* Come on, you know tha'd rule. Our kids could be pimped out in MADE jackets and everythin.

Our video for Young and the Hopeless is out now. I don't know if anyone's caught it yet, it's been on MTV a few times I think. Uh, yeah I'm pretty proud of it. Me and Benj co-directed the damn thing and I think it's a work of pure genius, but maybe I'm biased. We break stuff in it. That's always a plus.

So we're still on tour, everythin's goin okay so far. Brody had her baby last night and I got to hold Mr. Nate today. He's a cool baby. Really freakin' quiet. He's a keeper I think. I think he looks like Benj. Not me.. just Benj. Don't ask me how that's possible. But congrats Benj and Brody.. and congrats to Nate for landin' himself in such a cool family with awesome parents.

Speakin' of the tour and babies.. me and Mandy have been talkin' about what we're gonna do when our babies get here. Cause uh, we know there ain't enough room on the bus for all of us plus 3 babies. So, I'm still not sure what's gonna happen. I think we're gonna get our house and Mandy said she can live there and take care of the babies while I'm on tour. Which sucks ass. I wanna be near her and the babies, especially right after she has them cause it's gotta be a pain in the ass to take care of two babies by yourself. I know she doesn't want the help, but I'm thinkin' about maybe gettin mom to come down and help her out or somethin. There's no way she's gonna be able to do it all alone. I mean.. don't get me wrong.. she's a strong woman and I know she can take care of herself and 50 million babies at once. I just don't wanna leave her havin to do all the work. Midnight feedings and diapers all that. Course I'll be home when I can, but who's gonna be there when I can't. That's the big issue.

This whole baby thing also got me thinkin' about dad too. I talked to Mandy about it earlier.. really briefly.. I just said I wondered if dad was as excited as I am now when he found out he was havin' twins. I'm still wonderin. Not just 'bout havin me and Benj though either. Josh and Sarah too. I mean.. fuck.. the guy had to have been happy about us at one point or another. Before all hell broke loose anyways. Aight I'm gettin off this subject.

I think I'm long overdue for a good mushy update 'bout my wife and the babies. It's comin. But right now I'm piggin' out on ice cream and I'm gonna go spend time with Mandy.

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Wednesday, 07May03 :: 11:54pm
wow this is a great update.

mood :: tired

music :: R. Kelly - Ignition remix

I love how my wife has three huge updates a day and I have one every couple days, if I'm lucky. You know, whenever I decide to sit my ass down at the computer.

I'm so tired I'm about to pitch over. Everybody see my Fendi watch icon? I think I should make a whole icon collection just of my Fendi watch. I know how thrilled everyone would be to see that.

So I trust that everyone's already heard about Mandy getting that food poisoning bullshit so I ain't gonna repeat it. But I will say that stayin' up all night and talkin' about everything we talked about was one of the best nights I've ever had. It was pretty tiring though. To pull out all those feelings.. and sometimes it was painful to hear about some things that happened back then. Things that I had no idea about. I don't like thinkin' that I ever hurt her. But it was durin' that time that I wasn't thinking straight and I was blind as a bat apparently. *shrugs* Talkin' about the past had it's good moments too though, like when we talked about goin' to the club and about all our thoughts that were goin' on that night. Then I started laughin my ass off cause Benj told Mandy I was havin' an affair with Tony. Lovato that is.. not Tony the Tiger or Tony Danza *coughs* So I started laughin, then she pushed me off the bed and she got tangled in the covers, makin me laugh harder. I swear if I coulda stopped laughin' at her I would've. She got back at me though, she ripped off all my clothes and threw me out into the hall with just my boxers on. Some nurses gave me some strange looks. It was good night.

So Nat's still in love with me. I don't even know what to say about it. I'm gonna be blunt though because I'm tired right now and I'm a blunt kinda person. I'm over her, I'm over whatever we had and I've moved on. I mean, it's pretty obvious right? Wife and a baby? All that great stuff. I'm a husband and a father.. I've got a family now. And I wouldn't trade it for anythin in the world. I just wish Nat would let it go and move on herself. Stop tryin' to place doubts in Mandy's head about me. I don't even know why she would do that. Cause she wants me back or cause she enjoys makin' my life hell? Seriously. I'm gonna stop talkin' now cause karma is prolly gonna come kick me in the ass for sayin that.

Everyone go tell Benj he needs to get some SLEEP. Sleep dude. It's a good thing, don't knock it. Nah just kiddin, don't say anythin to him about it. He knows how to take care of himself. He says.

Oh and I need to talk to Sarah soon. Really soon. We have all this stuff that was left up in the air and now I'm goin' crazy cause I know we need to talk about some things. I care so much about her and her well-being. I know I've been a jackass brother in the past, but I'm tryin' to fix that now. Yeah cause, I love her. She's my baby sis and she means a lot to me. So Sarah if you're readin this, call me or somethin.

My arm hurts. I think my Fendi watch is weighin' it down.

Peace.

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Sunday, 04May03 :: 02:18pm

mood :: like shit

Yesterday was prolly one of the longest days of my life. I saw this carnival thing when I was comin' back to the bus yesterday, so I told Mandy about it once I got inside. She got all excited, even though she's still sick, and we started walking towards it. Then I remembered about Sarah so I stopped and called her on the phone, asking if she wanted to come along with us. She said she'd be there later.. said she wanted to talk to Benj 'bout somethin. So I got kinda suspicious after that, I even told Mandy I thought she was lyin to me. So Mandy dragged me back to the bus and I stayed outside while Mandy went inside to find out what was up. Next thing I know Mandy pops her head out and says "I think you better get in here." Turns out Mandy walked in just as Sarah was poppin' a pill.

You have no idea how fuckin' angry I was. Cause I knew what the pill was. Me and Sarah had already talked about this shit before. I knew what it was and it pissed me off to know that she actually brought that shit onto our bus and expected to get away with it. So I walked inside and I started askin' her what the pills were. She kept tellin' me it was nothing and we started yelling at each other. I ended up dumping her fuckin' suitcase looking to see if anything else would fall out of there. Course nothin did. She told me she had hid the shit and I'd never find it. So we screamed at each other some more and she stormed out.

Did I mention she pushed Mandy? Yeah, she got so pissed off she pushed her over a fuckin' chair. I've never wanted to slap someone more than I wanted to slap her then. You don't do that. You don't push people, especially not pregnant women. I don't care how pissed off you are or how much you hate me.

After that me and Mandy were sittin' there basically taking everything in that happened. I started goin through Sarah's suitcase lookin' for more of her shit and Mandy was helping me. Then I got even more aggravated and just dumped the thing again, still couldn't find anything. So I figured what she told me was right, that she hid the stuff on the bus somewhere. So me and Mandy started searching through everything. Mandy eventually found some in the couch cushions.. and I found even more underneath the couch. I didn't even know what to say then. I was shocked, angry, and sad. I was just sittin there staring at the shit. I couldn't believe my little sister was turnin' into that kinda person.

Benj came back and I told him what happened. He didn't believe me so I threw the packets at him to prove to him what was happenin' right in front of us. Told him where I'd found 'em and everythin' that happened. Sarah came back sometime after that and we were all tryin' to talk to her. She kept lyin' her ass off, sayin the stash was Mandy's, not hers, and all kinds of shit like that. Benj finally got so irritated by all the lyin that he threw the packets at her and left.

I take full blame for what happened. And don't try to tell me that it ain't my fault. Cause it is. You weren't there fightin with your little sister over the packets, you didn't see her toss all the pills into her mouth, and you weren't sitting there in shock when the only words you can say were "spit them out." But she looked right at me, right at me.. and swallowed. I don't think anyone gets how responsible I feel for what happened. After she swallowed them she still kept yellin' at me, so I kept yellin' back. Then the next thing I know she passed out on Mandy. I was so.. angry. I was so fuckin' aggravated. I was yellin' at everyone, even the 911 operator. I was pacing back and forth and then I'd get down on my knee and pat her cheeks and yell at her to get up. I've never had a mental breakdown before but that had to be somethin close to it. I've never felt more out of control than I did then. So fuckin' helpless and it was all my fault.

I didn't say much at the hospital. Mostly I was feelin' guilty as fuck. No matter what anyone said to me, I still felt like it was my fault. When we went in to see her I didn't even know what to say to her. "How are you doing?" "Why did you do that?" All that shit seemed pointless. So I just stood there lookin' at her for awhile and then I apologized. I'm not even totally sure what I was apologizin' for. I told her I was apologizin for not bein' a better older brother and not being very involved with what was goin' on in her life. But I think inside of me I knew it was cause I felt responsible for what happened. I think I was lookin' for some kinda forgiveness from her. That it was okay that I'm an idiot who couldn't stop her from almost killin' herself.

Then Benj said somethin' to her about us leavin so she could get some sleep. She turned her face and wouldn't even look at us. I started feelin' angry again so I didn't even say anythin' to her and just left the room.

Like I was tellin' Benj afterwards. I don't get her. We saved her fuckin' life and she still looked at us like we were the worst human beings on the planet.

I didn't even go back to the bus after that. I didn't want to. As soon as we walked out of the hospital doors I walked off in a different direction than everyone. I didn't care what they thought. I was still angry and upset about everythin. So much that I didn't even think Mandy could help me. Right after Sarah passed out and I told Mandy she swallowed all those pills, Mandy yelled "How could you let her do that? Why didn't you stop her?" I wanted to fuckin' die when I heard that. Cause I knew it was my fault, but I didn't want to own up to it. So that's why I walked away from everyone, I didn't feel like talking to anyone about it or havin' to answer their questions.

So what did I do? I did what every Madden does best. I found a bar and drank myself stupid. Goin' over and over it in my mind. Benj kept ringin' my cellphone so I ended up turnin' it off. I know drinkin' like that wasn't the smartest thing to do. But it was the only solution I could come up with where I didn't have to face up to anything.

I wandered back to the bus a few hours later. Everyone was sleepin' and I didn't wanna wake them, so I ended up passin' out on the couch. I woke up sometime after to see Mandy pullin' off my shoes and tellin' me to get into bed. I felt like shit so I obeyed and didn't argue with her. I still haven't apologized to her for yellin' at her like I did. I think this is the first time me and Mandy have kinda had a "fight" and I don't think I handled it so well. *shrugs* Maybe she'll forgive me for that too. *rubs his face* I still feel like shit.

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Saturday, 03May03 :: 07:20pm

mood :: accomplished

music :: U2 - One

So I guess it's time to write an update.

Benj and Brody got married the other day. But you all knew that. I was pretty laid back and out of it at the weddin'. Hah. I apologize for that. When I showed up I was tired and kinda angry thinkin' I prolly missed the wedding. But thank goodness I hadn't. After they said their vows and everything I pushed mandy over the cliff and into the water. In a loving way. See I don't normally push women on cliffs, but this was a special occasion. Course Benj decided to push me off after. So yeah that was a great plan. By the time we got outta the water and walked back up to the house, Brody and Benj were already inside prolly doing their newlywed stuff. They locked the doors on us so we spent the night out on the beach. Wasn't as bad as it sounds. Actually it wasn't bad at all.

Yesterday was Ultrasound day. *pauses* Or is it Sonogram. The fuck, no it's Ultrasound. Yeah We went to the doctor. Which by the way, I hate that doctor and we're officially switchin' to a female doctor. Cause uh, yeah. I can't say I'm all that comfortable with a male doin' those things to Mandy. And Mandy was cool enough to not care that I wanted to switch. The guy was an ass too. Mandy got him back though, she sneezed in his face. *chuckles* But besides that, when the doctor put the thing to her stomach and we could hear the baby's tiny heartbeat. I swear my heart dropped. My jaw too. But mainly my heart. I literally froze. I was happy, anxious, and nervous as hell. There was this little baby in there and though we knew it before, it's like, here was this proof that it was alive. I don't even know how to explain it. There's this strong amount of overwhelming love that I have for that kid. It's not even here yet and already I'm in love with it. But hearing the heartbeat.. just really put things into perspective. It's this little living thing in there, and when it comes out it's gonna be completely dependent on me and Mandy for everythin. Every single thing. I love the baby to do death but I'm nervous about all of this. I wanna be a good dad.

After the appointment me and Mandy were standin out in the parking lot, talking and playing around. I had my back up against the car and she was ticklin' me like it was my last night on Earth. *chuckles* She started to slow down though, so I took the opportunity and pulled her into a hug. Do you ever just get the urge to be as close to someone as you possibly can? That's what I was feelin. The hug didn't even get rid of that feelin' though and I pulled back and just stood there looking at her. Then she reached her hand up and starting touching my cheek and staring back at me. You know I never thought when I got married that I'd still be havin' the "butterflies in the stomach" feelin. I always thought that was somethin tha'd go away after you take the vows. But with Mandy, they never go away. I'm comfortable around her, but then I get nervous sometimes. And then sometimes the love she gives me with just a look is enough to make my heart race, just like it did on our first date.

When she touched my cheek and looked at me like that. I told her to stop, cause it was stuff like that that made me want to propose to her.. and then remember that we were already married. She just smiled and kept doin it. So I proposed again. *smirks* I put my forehead to hers and asked her to marry me. You know what she said? "I thought you'd never ask." Which.. is exactly what she said when I asked her to be my girlfriend. You know she still wears that ring I gave her. Along with her weddin' and engagement rings, she still wears the girlfriend ring. I've never felt so loved as I do when I'm with her. I'm grateful that I found her, that I found a love like the one we share together.

Sarah's comin to hang out with us on the road for awhile. After talkin' to her yesterday I realized that I don't even know what's goin on in her life anymore. I'm always so busy with my career that I don't even have time to stop and wonder how she's doin or what's goin on with her. It'll give us a chance to catch up and shit. Plus give me and Benj a chance to look out for her, so she'll stop messin' around with things she shouldn't be touchin. *clears his throat* I called mom earlier and asked her if it was aight if Sarah came. She told me she thought it was a good idea since we hardly ever see her. So, it's a done deal. Just hope she has some fun here. Course I'm sure with Mandy around she'll never be bored. *chuckles* Chuck E. Cheese.

Mandy's sick. I've been tryin to get her to lay down and stay put but she's not havin' it. I swear even when she feels like shit she won't sit still. Benj is sick, and I think Billy is too. When I kissed Mandy after she told me she was sick, she took out a tissue and started wipin my mouth *laughs* Like that was gonna help. I just told her that we were husband and wife, we share everythin together, we can share germs too. *shrugs* I'm already started to feel sick, I just hope it doesn't affect my voice any.

Mandy's reoccurin' dreams have been scarin me. I know they're not gonna come true. But I don't like the idea that she has them. Usually I wake up when I hear her cryin, all I can do is pull her close and hope she feels safe with me. I don't know. They say it's normal but it's irritatin the fuck out of me. I don't want her feelin scared about any of this, and she really needs to stop readin' stories where pregnant women lose their babies cause they trip over a shoe or whatever. They're stupid and that's not gonna happen to us. This baby is ours to keep and I'm gonna do everythin' I can to make sure it stays that way.

Aight I think that's all I have to say. I made a bet with Benj 'bout writin' a sappy update, but this wasn't as sappy as I thought it was gonna be. *shrugs* Peace.

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Tuesday, 29Apr03 :: 01:39pm

mood :: kinda stressed

music :: The Used - Pieces Mended

It's always great when you're wife dresses up as Batman and does something criminal-like.. and she makes you be the get-a-way driver.

We had a long ass talk last night. 'Bout past relationships and shit that happened. I think I found out more things about Nat in these past few days than I even thought possible. It's stupid when you're with someone and you automatically assume you know what's goin on. Cause I sure as hell didn't. There was a lot of things that Nat never told me about. And I'm not even talkin about the cheating thing.. which.. I'm almost scared to talk about cause I know I'm gonna get angry. But I guess I'm gonna talk about it anyways.

The only thing that really gets me about that.. is how I saw myself as a jerk for so long after I broke up with her. I don't even think she knows why I broke up with her. The truth is is that I had a crush on that AJ chick. I never cheated on her and I never flirted with AJ. But the point of the matter is that cause of this crush I didn't think I was bein' a good boyfriend to Nat. You don't get crushes on other women when you're thinkin' about proposing to someone. You just don't. So that's when I knew that maybe my feelings for Nat weren't as strong as they shoulda been. So I think breaking up with her was the right thing to do. But you know what, the fact of the matter is that I broke up with Nat instead of cheatin' on her. Maybe that makes me a bigger man or somethin, but hearin' that she cheated on me is just like.. what the fuck. Here I was thinkin' I was a jerk for even thinking about another woman in that way and she was off doin shit with some other guy.

Maybe I shouldn't even be dwellin' on this. But you know if you're with someone for awhile and you break up, then you realize all this shit about them that you didn't even know. It gets to you. Nat always kept things from me.. always. I don't think she realized how much that hurt me, even after we had that huge blow up fight 'bout it. Now I'm wonderin' if she woulda ever told me 'bout cheatin on me if I didn't break up with her. Yeah, prolly not.

I'm happier now with Mandy than I've ever been. I'm feeling with Mandy all those things that shoulda been there in my relationship with Nat. With Mandy I don't even see any other girls. They don't even exist to me.. the only person I see is her. I used to have a lot of random sex, what Billy was talkin' about. I'll admit that I didn't fuck women as much as he thought I did. I just made it look like it. But I did still do it.. and it was stupid. I look back now at the way I used to be and all I can do is laugh. Cause what I've got now beats that like ten million times. Like I said. All I see is Mandy now.. and I actually got to marry her.. plus we're havin a baby together. I'm fuckin lucky as hell.

Benj is gettin married tomorrow. Haha he's finally gonna know what it's like to be called a husband and have a wife. And I'm gonna be Best Man. I'll prolly be a better Best Man than he was and not piss in the bushes before the ceremony starts. *chuckles* But yeah, congrats to Benj and Brody. No one deserves this weddin' as much as you guys do. You're gonna make an awesome husband and wife, not to mention awesome parents.

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Monday, 28Apr03 :: 03:09am
end of the honeymoon

mood :: guess

music :: The Smiths - Still Ill

So it's our last night here. Tomorrow we'll be back in NY, we'll be hostin' TRL again.. and it'll back to life, back to tourin, back to shows.. everything. I'm pretty depressed about it honestly. But Mandy helped it a lot tonight. She knows exactly what to do to make me feel better. She always does.

Some things mentioned in Mandy's update earlier kinda got me to thinkin. Bout the baby that's comin. 'Bout my and Mandy's careers, me tourin, her tourin, and her filming movies. It's kinda scary when you think about bringin a baby into having to deal with all of that. Guess I never really thought about it before. I'm startin to really worry about it too even though I haven't said anythin to Mandy. It's gonna be hard to have a kid and keep our careers going, I know we're both gonna have to make some sacrifices. I know it's gonna be worth it, but I guess like her I'm worried the kid's gonna grow up and resent us for the kinda lifestyle it'll prolly have. I don't know, maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinkin. I just hope we're good parents together and can make good decisions when dealin' with our kid's life. Or the lives of our triplets. *clears his throat* Kiddin.

I went down to the hotel bar earlier and I snuck a drink while Mandy was takin' a nap. Yeah I know, shame on me. She'll prolly kill me when she reads this *chuckles* But I just sat there and started thinkin' about me and her. How all of this happened, how it happened so fast and how in other people's eyes we rushed things, but in mine it didn't come fast enough. I know I've said it a million times before, but I'm gonna say it again. She's my everything, she's my heart, she's my soul. This life we're startin to build together is the one thing that's keepin me going. It's the one thing I look forward to when I get outta bed, just to see her face. She's damn cute when she wakes up in the mornings too. Her hair's all messed up and her eyes are half-way open, I lean over and kiss her and the first words outta her mouth are usually, "What time is it?". Yeah those are the days that I wake up before she does. But usually she's up and goin' before I even realize it's daylight outside.

Then I started thinkin' about the baby, and how we're gonna have to find a way to not have so much distance between me and Mandy once it gets here. One things for sure is that we're gonna need a central location, one place to call "home." Not a tour bus, not a hotel.. nothin like that. A home. Yeah among other things.. but that's the main thing I'm focusin on right now. After this tour is over with and Mandy's done filmin. Where are we gonna go. Where are we gonna live. I guess DC or LA or somethin. But see.. I'm a husband now, and I'm a dad, and I have all these new found responsibilites of things that I know I gotta take care of. Of things I gotta do to provide for my family. But I know I'm not alone, I've got Mandy right there providing for our family too. She is my partner in crime afterall.

You know what sucks though. She's gonna be gone for 3 months. 3 whole fuckin months. I'm gonna miss her like fuck and I'm gonna miss a lot of things with the pregnancy. Her gettin' bigger.. doctor's appointments. I'm gonna have to visit her though, I have to. Especially for doctor's appointments. It's not even somethin to negotiate.. I gotta be there. This is purely assumin' that these jackasses let her get a stunt double for her new movie. If they don't, then there's no way she's goin through with the filming of this thing. She can't put the baby in danger like that.

Aight. I gotta stop worryin so much.

She took me out to the ocean tonight where she had a small boat waiting. She dragged me into it and we ate sandwiches and talked 'bout things. It was nice. When the talkin' died down she brought out this acoustic guitar.. and actually played a song she wrote for me. It was the best thing I'd ever heard. I never was a real mushy kind of guy before she came along, and I sure as hell never cried out of happiness. But she really brings out that side of me. I think she wins Best Wife award. Hands down.

I'm gonna go enjoy my last night here before it's back to reality.

Peace.

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Sunday, 27Apr03 :: 03:40am

mood :: pissed off

This is to Mr. Jared Fuckin Padalecki.

You ever touch my wife again and I swear you won't fuckin see the light of day. You don't go around forcin women to kiss you and then hit them. You're a piece of fuckin shit and I swear to God if you ever cross my path I'll make sure you realize that. I don't care if you've apologized. You're gonna pay for what you did. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're all talkin about how I ain't a good husband and then you haul off and smack her?? I ain't fuckin perfect but even I realize that hittin a woman is FUCKIN' WRONG.

And I don't appreciate the shit you were tellin my brother about how I'm not a good husband cause I wasn't fuckin there at the time to defend my wife. You know what asshole? You ain't even a fuckin man cause you can't control your temper and NOT HIT SOMEONE WHEN THEY TURN YOU DOWN. You can't even fuckin accept that she's married. Yeah that's right, married. To me. Not you. She ain't single. WHY DON'T YOU GO SIT IN A FUCKIN CORNER AND THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MINUTE. THEN GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU JEALOUS PIECE OF SHIT. SHE'S NOT SINGLE. SHE AIN'T YOURS TO JUST PUSH AROUND AND KISS OR HIT. SHE'S A FUCKIN' HUMAN BEING AND SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT KINDA TREATMENT FROM PUSSYS LIKE YOU.

Bottom line. You touch her again, even a fuckin' handshake, and I'll break your neck.

Thanks.

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Saturday, 26Apr03 :: 03:52am

mood :: on my honeymoon

music :: peaceful honeymoon music

I guess now is as good as time as any to write an update. I should write more often so I won't have long ass updates and end up forgettin some things that I wanted to talk about.

Yeah, you heard right, I'm married. All the credit goes to Benj for gettin it together so fast. He even got this arch thing lit up with Christmas lights out in the middle of this garden. It was awesome. Plus a priest, plus the rings.. I swear I owe that guy more than I can even say right now. He helped me get my tux, made sure Brody and Mandy were on their way and everythin was runnin as smoothly as possible. At least as smoothly as possible for a spontaneous wedding. He even took care of gettin time off for the honeymoon.

I was so nervous that I felt like I was gonna puke any minute. I even told Benj I might puke and told him to act like nothin happened if I did.. he told me to aim for the priest. There was even a moment when I thought Mandy backed out. Brody called Benj up and he walked away and was frownin' and talkin softly. I almost went crazy at the idea that she coulda called it off. Turned out she had an anxiety attack, which irritated me cause I wanted to be there to help calm her down. Needed her to calm me down too. *chuckles* Course as soon as the service started and I saw her walkin down the aisle.. my jaw dropped and the nervousness was gone. All I wanted was her. She looked beautiful.

The service went well. She said some awesome vows.. I swear I started cryin. She's just, I love her. That's all I can say. So We're on our honeymoon right now. Havin an awesome time to say the least. I've never felt more relaxed and happy, this is heaven, right here. Bein here with Mandy. We've spent a lot of time on the beach, playin in the ocean, and drinkin non-alcoholic drinks. *laughs* Hey if she can't have any, I sure as hell ain't gonna drink any in front of her.

"Want to go pearl hunting with me?"

Which we did. I found one before she did.. even though she stole all the shells and made a collection of 'em on the beach. She didn't know I found one though. So when I got the chance, I went and had it cleaned, and I put it on a necklace. Then I surprised her with it. Heh, the look on her face was priceless.

So everythin's goin perfectly except for a few phone calls from people. I even got a call from a fan who somehow got ahold of my number. I wanted to scream "I'm on my HONEYMOON" into the phone but I thought that might make her cry or somethin. I might accidently drop my phone into the ocean. We'll see.

Wow this was a crappy update. But what do you expect? I'm on my honeymoon for fuck's sake.

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Thursday, 24Apr03 :: 07:03pm
followin the trend.

You will live in Shack.
You will drive a Blue Audi.
You will marry Mandy and have 3 kids.
You will be a Spiderman in DC.

HAHA. Why the hell am I livin in a shack but drivin an Audi.

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Thursday, 24Apr03 :: 03:46am

mood :: sleepy

I'm gonna try to write this update. Even though it's late and I'm tired as fuck. I haven't been around much today so I feel like I should at least do this. But it'll prolly be just an update full of useless random facts that no one really cares about. Uh.

Didn't get to see Mandy much today. I got caught up busy doin' shit and *shrugs* you know how it goes. I just got in and I guess she's already sleepin. So I'll prolly go crawl in with her in a minute. Hope she's not mad at me.

I guess Benj and Mandy already talked about the fight they had yesterday. The whole thing kinda surprised me, mainly cause her and Benj haven't ever fought like that before. I guess it just.. errupted or somethin. I came back to the bus only to find out what happened, I almost knocked the shit outta Benj. A part of me is wonderin why I didn't. I don't even know, the things he said to her he really should've. But I couldn't do anythin to him, I was more worried 'bout Mandy at that point. So I left to look for her, and came back later empty-handed only to find out that she found a payphone and was talkin' to Benj. So I went, somehow found her, and brought her back to the bus. I was on the phone with her the whole time tryin to keep her calm about it, while on the inside I was really freakin out about not finding her or someone else gettin' to her before I could. Fuckin, I'd go crazy if somethin ever happened to her.

We kinda talked about baby names too. She's good at comin' up with that stuff. I've never really sat down and thought about things like that, so when she asked me for some suggestions I was totally stumped. I told her I'd have to think about it some more. Oh I had one suggestion though, "Morrissey" haha. She came up with some good ones, some weird ones too that I took the liberty of cracking jokes about it. Course she swatted at me a few times cause of it. What's with her and the swatting thing? Everytime now.. "let's name it Morrissey. *SWAT*"... "it's like a peanut. *SWAT*"... "mandy I love you. *SWAT*". Aight maybe I exaggerated that a little.

Don't know what else to talk about. Uh, called home today cause I got kinda homesick. Talked to mom for awhile. We kinda talked about Benj's wedding, my future wedding, the babies and stuff.. but mainly it was about tour and work. You know all this time of bein on our own away from her and she still tries to make sure we got everything we need. Always makin' sure that we're happy with how things are goin.

Aight I'm gonna go crawl into bed with Mandy. She's damn peaceful when she sleeps. Ever watched a girl sleep? It's like.. heaven times infinity plus one. Or somethin. Even when they drool and snore.

I think I'm way more tired than I'm leadin' on here. Night.

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Tuesday, 22Apr03 :: 05:45pm
Styx

mood :: mellow

music :: Styx - Mr Roboto

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

*coughs*

Been awhile since I've written a decent entry, so let's see if I still got the stuff. Course everythin goin on you can go read about in Mandy's journal. She tells it better. *smirks*

Yeah, I met her parents yesterday after the concert. It was kinda unnerving to be on stage knowing that they were prolly off to the side watching. I kept trying to push it out of my mind so I could concentrate. I didn't even know where they were gonna be at though, so when I walked off the stage and I saw them all standing there, it sent this jolt of shock through me. But hey I played it off pretty cool. I went over and I talked to her parents and to her brothers and everythin. I was dead tired though and I'm sure it showed. Plus nervous as hell about talkin to them. They were really nice though, her brother Kyle is crazy. *chuckles* He kept askin me all these questions like, How does it feel to have all these hot girls after you? I just smirked and said. What girls? Yeah I'm a sap, all I see is Mandy. Guess he didn't like that answer though cause his eyes got all wide and he kept pointin back toward the audience. So yeah I finally got a chance to talk to her parents, they seemed happy as hell about everything, but they were still concered with Mandy and if I was takin care of her and everythin. I assured them that I was and that we were doin fine. They asked me about the wedding date too and I told 'em we hadn't set anything yet. Then Mandy's mom told her to call when she decided on one so they could start plannin and shit. Kinda surprised about that, since from what I've heard her and her mom don't get along that well.

Oh, and I ended up givin her mom my mom's number. Cause she said she wanted to call and "chat" about us. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. *chuckles*

What else.. yeah Mandy dragged me someplace yesterday tellin' me about some surprise she had. We get to this place and there's haystacks and these metal things sticking up out of the ground. I was just standing there looking at it, then I turned around to look at her and she was gone. So I started look around and wondering where the hell she went off to. Next thing I know I'm gettin hit in the shoulder by a fuckin' paintball. Haha. Hurt like hell too. So she tosses me a gun and we started shooting at each other. Then Benj, Brody, Kelly and Kristin show up and the real fun starts. Benj got hit in the crotch like 50 fuckin times. Haha. Billy and Paul really missed out damnit. They shoulda been there.. we coulda used more guys cause the girls were dictatin' everything.

After that we went to Olive Garden and of course a food fight broke out. I called our waiter Pat too.. not to his/her face though. I just kinda mumbled it, then fuckin Benj had to go and yell it at her/him. HAHA. So I'm sure our food got sneezed on, but I guess it doesn't matter since my food ended up on Mandy's head.

I talked to her stomach the other night. Did she already write about that? Yeah I think she did. We were just sitting there eating ice cream and all of a sudden I got the urge to talk to it. So I had her lean back and I layed on my stomach on the couch and I talked to it. I can't even remember what I said. Somethin about the world bein full of idiots and to always obey his mom.. or hers. It was a lot more tender than I'm makin it out to be right now. I think I should make it a daily thing.

Oh, and Benj is the best for makin it to where Mandy could stay with us on tour instead of goin back to LA. That was prolly one of the best things you've ever done for me man. I mean, I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it. But what the hell, you moved the wedding up?

*throws up FITTY sign* We need the FITTY crew back, dawg.

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