I have dreamnt of a place for you and I

every night i fall asleep, and this is all i ever dream . . [22 Feb 2004|05:43pm]
[ mood | slightly depressed&reflecting. ]
[ music | luther vandross, dance with my father ]

dear daddy:

this is your first birthday inwhich i can't hug you, or make your special birthday breakfast. i didn't stay up at night making your favourite cake with the vanilla icing because you like mine better then the one's you can buy at the grocery store. we didn't throw a party, and i didn't curl up with you at the end of the night and watch meet joe black, the movie you always said reminded you of us. i miss you. every minute, of every day your with me -- but sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough. i know that's selfish, and i'm sorry. i always felt like i knew how much i needed you, but now that your gone it feels like i had no concept of it at all. there's this emptiness inside me that just continues to grow, and i know that no one can ever fill it up completely. we spent every day together ( minus a total of three ) the last year and a half you were with us, but i feel like i wasted so much time doing other things that . . didn't need to be done when i could've spent it with you. you were my everything, and i have to admit that at times i feel like i'm nothing at all without you here. i know i'm blessed to have certain people in my life. people who really, genuinely care about me and love me. but lately i've felt like i was losing grip. i've made a lot of mistakes since you left and i don't know if i can ever even begin to make it up to the people that i've hurt. i want to reach for the phone and call you, so that you can reassure me, tell me that everything will be okay. but i can't because your no longer here and i'm terrified that i'm going to forget. people say that the memory diminishes over time. i don't ever want to lose my memories of you, of the times we shared together. the picture of us taken the day of my junior prom sits by my bedside table. you and grandma at her house, sits on my desk . . and behind me on my dresser is the black and white photo of you in your sheriff uniform, from when you were just 23. i promised myself i wouldn't cry but the tears keep streaming. thank you for every session of " dear abby time. " thank you for that last day, daddy. thank you for holding on as long as you did. thank you for staying for me when you wanted to give up. thank you for always believing in me and loving me no matter what i looked like or what mistakes i made. happy birthday, daddy. i will always, always love you the most. -- with love forever from your favourite.

back when i was a child,
before life removed all the innocence . .
my father would lift me up,
and dance with my mother & me and then . .
spin me around until i fell asleep,
then up the stairs he would carry me . .
and i knew for sure,
i was loved.

if i could get another chance,
another walk,
another dance with him . .
i'd play a song that would never end,
how i'd love, love, love . .
to dance with my father again.

when i & my mother would disagree,
to get my way i would run from her to him . .
he'd make me laugh just to comfort me,
then finally make me do just what my mama said.
later that night when i was asleep,
he left a dollar under my sheet . .
never dreamed that he would be gone from me.
if i could steal one final glance,
one final step . .
one final dance with him,
i would play a song that would never end . .
'cause i would love, love, love,
to dance with my father again.

sometimes i listen outside her door,
and hear how my mother cries for him . .
i pray for her even more than me.
i know i'm praying for much too much,
but could you send her the only man she loved?
i know you don't do it usually . .
but dear lord she's dying,
to dance with my father again.
every night i fall asleep,
and this is all i ever dream.
1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

i wish i could save the world like a super girl . . [01 Feb 2004|08:33pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]
[ music | jessica simpson, with you ]

sidenotes prior to an entry: have you ever read someone's words, and just the thought of them made you smile -- even though you had no idea why? yeah, i'm weird. also? i adore this song. jessica simpson is adorable -- and i think she's cute even when she acts completely stupid . . haha.

i feel alot better since i got some decent sleep . . . and you know what? i realized something today. i'm really proud of myself. that's not meant to come off as arrogant, so i apologize if that's how it reads ; let me explain.

i know a lot of people don't believe in new year's resolutions, but i like the idea of them -- does that make sense? the point is, i never made them before -- but this year, i did. i promised myself that i was going to put forth the effort to change some things that have remained the same for years. i was going to step outside of my comfort zone . . and i really feel as if i've accomplished that. not completely, of course -- not in a month! but i looked back and i realized how much i've changed ; grown, even. i understand that i began making these necessary " changes " a long time ago . . . i just wasn't aware of it, 'til now.

i feel different today ; rejuvinated. i can't stop smiling. i feel really, really blessed -- to be who i am, to be where i am, to know all of you & have you in my life. most days i can't even look in the mirror . . today? i looked myself in the eyes, and smiled back at me. that may sound cheesy to some of you but it was a big deal for me ; a really big deal.

also? my best friend matt is fabulous & whether he believes it or not? i love him to death!

(( these lyrics hit home right now. ))

the real me is a girl with her levi's on and an open heart . .
wish i could save the world,
like i was a super girl!
the real me used to laugh all night,
lying in the grass just talking about love . .
but lately i've been jaded,
life got so complicated . .
i start thinking about it,
i almost forgot what it was like . .
to know what feels right!
1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

i used to think you were the one, now i'm sick of thinking anything at all. [24 Jan 2004|05:53am]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | maroon 5, through with you ]

edit prior to an entry: maroon 5 is my favorite for the past three weeks okay? wonderful. i know you were all dying for that piece of enlightenment.

so i finally make it back to my journal. what's been going on lately?

on the college front, everything seems to be going exceptionally well. my classes are alright, i've met new people in each one -- they all seem nice. i met a sweet guy named paul in the cafeteria last week ; he's a psychology major living in kentucky hall . . i think. um. i should probably double check on that next time i see him. anyway, i watched movies with michelle & jessie tonight ; we had a great time. i also had a video night with tiffany last week & hopefully, i helped her work out some of her guy issues.

which brings me to my next topic, which is of course . . guy issues. there's this boy named david, that my friend kelly knows. he doesn't live too far from here and we've been talking a lot. there was a mix-up monday night, on the phone. i told him something along the lines of " i like you alot " in reference to . . as a friend, and by wednesday evening he had called me 10 times, left me three messages on my answering machine, four e-mails, talked to me online and on the phone -- a lot. it was wicked overwhelming, super fast. he thought i meant as more then a friend, so i had to straighten that out right away ; there's an important factor i've left out of this little fairytale: he's seventeen years old. and he's like " its only until may. "

. . how do i put this? no. no. no. no. and . . no.

in a way i feel guilty, though. when i was sixteen i dated chris, and he was twenty one :/ i don't know what it is ; but the idea of dating a guy younger then me creeps me out a lot. older then me is fine. so why am i being such a hypocrite? and i realize i might be called dramatic for this next statement, but it's how i'm feeling at the moment: why can't i find someone who is into me, that i am into at the same time? it's like a curse. what's up with that?

my best friend made me realize that i surround myself intentionally with dramatic people ; people who's lives i feel i can fix. that's beyond unhealthy for me -- and honestly? it's fucking annoying. the only person who can change someone's life is themselves. if they don't want to? fine. enjoy your misery -- buhbye.

there's a special deal going on for flights to england. as soon as i find out whether or not i was accepted to this summer program at cambridge, i'll hopefully manage to snag a ticket for a much sweeter price then it would usually cost. :: crosses fingers. ::

. . . btw, since i know he'll see this: kiora, something i've been meaning to tell you? your x-mas gift was supposed to be that 70's show on vcd. but i think i got ripped off because here it is, almost february and they haven't arrived, when they were supposed to get to me the first week of january before i came back :/ now i can't even reach the seller. i didn't want you thinking i forgot about you at christmas -- i couldn't ; now i just have to find a replacement for the gift that . . . never got here :x i'm really sorry it's so damn late. i should've just bought a backup while i was in new york. i'll find a way to make it up to you somehow, i promise.

i think that's enough rambling for the rest of the month! fin.

2 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

would you believe me if i said i'm tired of this? [14 Jan 2004|01:18am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | lifehouse, sick cycle carousel ]

i altered two john mayer quotes.

`` I'm so ready to be in-love, I'm so ready to be sick to my stomach missing somebody, I'm so ready to say goodbye to my girlboyfriend when she comes to visit me for 2 days and choke on my tears in the back of the van silently for the first half hour of the ride. I want it. It's just not my time. ``

`` Ok since almost all of the songs I've played so far have been about love your probably wondering what is wrong with me. For the most part I need a girlboyfriend or something. I cry when I see couples, and I'm not sure if any of you have seen this commercial but There is that one Coke commercial where the guy is talking and he is like 'When I first met her she had the most gorgous panties I had ever seen, but now, when I look in the hamper, her panties look like my mothers'. That is the grossest thing ever but I started crying cause I want that. Sometimes when I'm not on tour I will watch my friend's pets, at least then I have some company. I just really want a hot girlguy's company!! ``

i love him :[ seriously.

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

home is a feeling i buried in you. [10 Jan 2004|08:10pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | melissa etheridge, breathe ]

i haven't written in almost a month and although a lot has happened, i don't have very much to say. this feeling of apathy came over me, i thought it was two weeks ago . . but looking back at my previous entry i realize it's had nearly a month to get comfortably settled in. i have chronic sinusitis, which i get atleast once a year. i hope all of you are doing well and have a great weekend . . congratulations megan, on your engagement.

edit: i have always loved this song ; and i adore melissa. i'm so glad she covered it.

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

give me just a second & i'll be alright . . [14 Dec 2003|02:12am]
[ mood | apathetic & numb. ]
[ music | daniel beddingfield, gotta get thru this ]

i think i'm coming down with something . . and it's snowing outside. i want to write something, but the words just won't come. i keep sleeping for ungodly amounts of hours, lately -- i think it's my bodies way of fighting off whatever this is ; either that or it's my brand-new avoidance mechanism.

believe it or not, part of me is looking forward to going home. i get to see my munchkins . . so that's always a plus ; i haven't seen them in a really long time. i made plans to go out with jon next sunday -- i can't wait to see him, either. we talked on the phone for awhile, that was nice. i really miss jon . . he's one of the only friends i've kept in touch with from schenectady. i tried to track katie down yesterday -- no luck . . she's disappeared again. if i find her, it'll be from sheer luck . . but hey, that's happened on more then one occasion so maybe it'll happen again. i'm going to e-mail marcus tomorrow or monday and let him know when i'm coming home ; i hope i can see him, too . . and i promised to call derek when i got in.

. . it feels good to have people to go home to, but at the same time it kindof feels like -- what am i going home to? a new house ( my mom re-decorated most of it ) without my dad. i wasn't there for very long after he passed away. i've been really . . avoidant. my family isn't even celebrating christmas. honestly, it just makes the sadness sink in deeper. daddy wouldn't want us to not celebrate christmas. he'd want us to attempt to carry on like we always did -- remember him, of course . . but not celebrate at all? he'd never want that. he wasn't crazy about decking out the house in a zillion decorations . . but he loved christmas ; so did grandma. i feel like we should celebrate it for them. we probably won't do anything for new year's either. oh man, am i going to have a good time or what. - rubs face gently. - sorry, it's easy to let this stuff get to me.

i'm listening to the cd chris sent me last christmas eve. i was looking at my entries from back then . . i've been using this journal for just over a year now. freaky. i remember talking about how i was " thinking " of going to NKU in the fall . . and here i am, with the fall semester less then a week away from being over. it's funny how nothing turns out the way you expected it too. i wish my dad were still here.

my mom avoids all his stuff, sleeps on the farthest side of the bed and everything. i'm the complete opposite . . i put on his robe when i'm cold, slip my feet into his slippers, sleep on his side of the bed when i want to take a nap, wear his trench coat when it's TOTALLY freezing and none of my coats keep out the cold. being around his things comforts me. the last time i had a dream about daddy was -- the day of his funeral. it's weird. i did the same thing when both my grandma and my dad died, and the same thing ended up happening to me. i went in their rooms after the funeral, and i curled up on their bed and took a nap . . i ended up both times, having a dream about them that made me feel a little better when i woke-up.

. . my mom told me she ran into chris the other day. not a pleasant excursion. i feel kinda bad, she really hates him. i keep telling her, he didn't take my tv ; and honestly he's not a bad guy. whenever i get in this mode, i end up thinking of him. i don't know why because he's not the last person i had a relationship with, that'd be steve or brian. i guess he was the last person i was with ' seriously ' and long-term-wise. i'm starting to adapt kelly, jon and kiora's attitude -- or i'm trying to, anyway. i mean who needs relationships? sure their great and all, but you don't need them . . you want them ; there's a HUGE difference there. i wish i could be like them and not want one at all. mostly i just wish this vacant coldness would go away. it's not the weather, it's not the snow, it's just -- me. between the hours of 2 - 6 am, i get like this . . which is why i prefer to be asleep, but after all the sleep i've gotten lately, i don't think that's happening for atleast another hour. ( i slept for 13 hours on friday and who-knows-how-many today . . but i got up at 5 PM if that's any indication )

sometimes, just sometimes -- i wish things could've worked out with chris. i get this feeling. this feeling like . . i'll never do better. that's an awful thing to say, isn't it? but it's how i feel, when i get like this. like i'll never find anything that moves beyond it ; like no one will ever want me the way he did.

ok. self-pity mode is offically coming to a stop now, i swear. sorry about that. momentary lapse of sanity or whatever. blame it on my up-and-coming cold. forget an hour . . i'm going to try and sleep now.

edit: EW. why aren't any of my icons loading? :[

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

everytime i turn around, i think i've got it figured out . . [06 Dec 2003|01:41am]
[ mood | deeply thoughtful. ]
[ music | kelly clarkson, the trouble with love is ]


Roswell's Season One DVD is set for release on february 17th, 2004 -- and their going to have DELETED SCENES on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it'll also have commentary, 3 featurettes, and the sensefield ' save yourself ' music video . . which i always wanted to see.

. . . . .

i don't think anyone can understand how simple i am. little things make me happy, okay? THIS MAKES ME VERY HAPPY. i will lie, cheat, steal, beg, plead, take up a collection -- save up cans until that day ( or just get an actual job? duh ) in order to get this thing. my friend kelly goes:

" wouldn't it be perfect if you actually found a guy by then, and as a belated valentine's gift that's what he gave you? "

rofl. :x i think i scare away potential guys with my roswell obsession. i really should stop telling people about it . . but when they come to my apartment they find out. i have a bag, a do-not-disturb sign, the videos, a hat, a shirt, trading cards, posters -- yeah, its bad. but as far as obsessions go i think it's pretty tame . . i mean i could be a crack addict, or something.

i broke it off with steve and brian before i went to texas. ( i probably should've mentioned that, right? ) i don't know. it didn't seem important. i've never been the ' casual dating ' kindof girl -- i don't know how or why i fooled myself into thinking i was capable of it. can you even call what we did, dating? watch a video, hang out, get some coffee . . hugging, a few kisses? never letting it get close or really . . personal? my heart just wasn't in it. then steve said the magic words, and wham. i realize like a moron, i have to end this & i have to do it as nicely as possible. is there a ' nice way ' to end something? not usually. i was really lucky. first off, because he was really amazing about it, and he doesn't loathe me like he probably should. secondly? he's transfering to UK for the spring. he's such a nice guy, i really think we can be friends -- but it makes it a little easier, him going to another school. he left me a message on my machine while i was in texas, visiting emma . .

it's really sad when you don't want the people who want you, and you want the people who don't want you.

. . i just read all of that over. right, right. poor daveia: a nice guy falls in love with her. exactly what i've wanted, or thought i wanted, for a long time -- right? APPARENTLY NOT? could i be any more complicated? and then i don't even talk about any of it, in my journal. i realized that, too. i write about what's important to me, or what i'm going through . . and with that entire situation, i couldn't put into words what i was going through. it was just a screwed up mess.

i didn't meet cs while i was in texas, like i planned either. that's a long story i really don't want to write about. basically -- we both got screwed over and we couldn't meet. i was upset about it for a while. really upset. part of me still is, for him . . i feel awful for him. i want to help him, i just realized i can't -- not the way he wants me to.

i've realized? ( i don't mean to sound cheesy here, just honest & heartfelt ) maybe god has a bigger plan for me, then i have for myself. i don't have to know what it is . . i just have to trust in it & have faith. maybe it's my fate, to be alone right now. maybe there's a reason for the fact that i can't get " close " to anyone . . and when i try, it gets messed up somehow. maybe there's someone out there for me, and god is trying to guide me to him -- and that's why i keep having these " near misses " . . with cs, steve, brian ; the list goes on. their not the one god has planned for me, so i can't expect it to work just because i'm trying to fill a void.

part of me knew, KNEW that if i met cs i'd be using him to try and ' fill ' this void ; so i'm glad i didn't get to meet him, honestly. that's not how i do things -- how i've ever done them & i truly think it was fated ( i'm sorry i keep using that word ) for us NOT to meet on monday, because it would've been for the wrong reasons. it would've been completely, completely wrong . . i know that, now ; and i'm grateful we didn't. i would have hurt him even more then i already have -- and all the pain i've caused thus far was unintentional. us meeting? me using him? that would've been intentional ; in the end i think it's better we didn't meet now. i definetly want to meet him someday . . just not under those pretenses. i'm sorry i didn't realize it sooner. i know i should have and there's no excuse for it. i'm not a super-religious person . . but i do believe in god, and i do have faith. i don't think i have to go to church every sunday to ' prove ' that -- god is in my heart, and he knows that . . that's good enough for me, and i believe it's good enough for him, too.

honestly? i think i'm a very blessed young woman. i have people who i care about, and who reciprocate those feelings -- who i can trust and love, with my whole being. i feel safe and secure with them ; i feel loved. i enjoy the journey of my education, i'm happy at my school, and i truly feel that if i continue to work hard, i have the chance at a bright & promising future. sure i may not " like " myself sometimes, but a friend of mine once told me there was always room for improvement, in any situation -- and he was right. i have time, and i intend to use it to the best of my ability ; to continue to grow as a person . . to enjoy life, live in the moment and try to the best of my ability, to cherish myself for who i am . . because i truly don't think i'm that bad of a person. i'm not a supermodel, i'm not perfect . . but no one is. i'm okay. i'm going to be, okay. sure, i get lonely once in a while . . but that's normal, and it won't always be this way. i JUST told my friend tiffany in an IM, we never get what we want, when we want it -- it always happens when we least expect it. patience is a virtue i've always needed to learn ; this is just one test of many i'll have to face in my lifetime -- it only seems like the hardest at this particular stage because a lot of MAJOR things are behind me. in the span of the past three years i've dealt with much harder things . . especially in the past year, with six major deaths taking their toll on my soul. i can handle this -- its not the hardest thing i've had to face, and i know there will be even bigger obstacles in life that i can't even fathom at the moment, and i'll handle each one the best i can ; that's all i can do.

edit: i love kelly clarkson & clay aiken -- but i swear to you, i don't dig american idol. this song was in love actually, which is a FABULOUS movie ; i adored it.

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

you're it -- you're the ultimate YOU. [24 Nov 2003|09:54pm]
[ mood | excited & totally tired ]
[ music | lindsay lohan, ultimate ]

things i accomplished today!:

EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO BEFORE MY TRIP . . including: writing up a speech/giving said speech infront of the class, packing, and watching finding nemo with my ultimate nerd -- who is THE best man on earth for saving my behind tonight. now i'm off to crash everybody . . i have to get up in 7 hours! have a nice thanksgiving everybody, i'm sure-as-hell gonna try!

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

i have no plans, i'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land . . [24 Nov 2003|01:26am]
[ mood | unsure & wondering. ]
[ music | switchfoot, let that be enough ]

this entry is going to be small & exceptionally random.

one: i love this song alot.

two: i get to see kiora later. i haven't hung out with him for . . over a month, i think. i'm going through nerd-wthdrawl . . that's never good. :P i'm glad we get to hang out before i leave.

three: i leave for texas at 6 AM tuesday morning, so i won't be updating for about a week. i am really excited to see emma & cs!

four: lyrics sticking in my head lately . . " i've dreamnt so long, i cannot dream anymore. forget this life, come with me, don't look back -- you're safe now. unlock you're heart, drop you're guard, no one's left to stop you! " ever thought about just doing something? not analyzing it to death, but just acting impulsively? there are things i've forgotten, things i really long to remember . . .

five: sometimes you feel like you need to do things you never thought you would. don't ask because i don't want to talk about it. i have a tendency to back out of these things because my heart can't allow me to go through with it. why the fuck do i have to be cursed with a conscience?

six: " all i need to know, is that i'm something you'll be missing. " music is amazing. what would we do without music?

- - - - - -

. . going back to work now. i'll miss everyone, enjoy thanksgiving.

[[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

if i could retrace every wrong move i made, i would . . [21 Nov 2003|06:04am]
[ mood | heavyhearted & thinking ]
[ music | linkin park, easier to run ]

i suddenly realize how horrible i am at -- helping. i think i do all this good, and really . . . what do i accomplish? nothing. so why do i keep doing it? because i feel it's worth doing. but i'm not DOING ANYTHING if i am not helping anybody.

if i go to texas, i may hurt cs by ' being there ' for him . . but in the end, just leaving him to the same solitary existance he faces every day.

if i don't go . . . i hurt him regardless. WHAT IF being there for a little while will help him more than never being there at all? but what if it hurts him more, by being there and then having to leave again?

. . i can't fix him. i know that, i know that, i know that ; only he can do it.

but i still feel responsible for what he's going through now. he told me i'm the only one who makes him feel any better, who makes him smile -- that's all i've ever wanted to do . . be able to make him smile and be happy, even for a moment. god, poor cs. he doesn't deserve to be this fucking miserable ; he doesn't deserve to feel so alone . . he doesn't deserve ANY of this.

i shouldn't have told him about texas unless i was 100% positive & i already had the ticket. what he doesn't know, can't hurt him. if he didn't know, he wouldn't be hurting over the fact that i really might not be able to go now.

( this is the part where i actually explain what the hell my entry is about to those of you that don't understand & still actually read this thing. )

i was thinking of going to texas to spend thanksgiving with my friend emma & her family. she invited me, and i was thrilled because i wanted to meet her family . . and see my friend, cs. i wanted to help him. he's one of the sweetest people in the world, and he's just so unhappy -- it's not fair. i realize that's a childish thing to say. life isn't fair, it's not like i don't know that . . . but why do the good people always seem to get shafted? it's just cruel & unusal punishment -- that's the only way i can think of to describe it.

everything was almost set . . but when i went to book my flight, the one i wanted last night was filled up & the only one i seemed able to find now was from nov. 25th to dec. 3rd. that would have me missing almost an entire week of classes -- my gpa can't afford to take a nose-dive like that. i owe it to my father, eddie, my mother . . all the people who are depending on me to get good grades, to do well.

but how selfish is it of me to leave my friend out in the cold like that? i'm scared now . . really scared. i love cs to pieces. the one thing i NEVER wanted to do, was hurt him. i never wanted to do that, not ever. i finally succeeded in mattering to him -- and what do i do? hurt him, either way. if i go, i may be hurting him more then if i don't go at all. ( kiora would tell me that i'm thinking/worrying too much about this. hi have we met? i'm the paranoid girl :/ geezus i need to quit this but it's a part of me i think . . )

i wish i knew what the hell to do. at the same time? my friend alice was almost raped & my friend sarah was diagnosed positive with AIDS today. these events brought back all these painful memories of the two events from january & february of 2002 that i've . . . . tried so hard to block out of my mind entirely. it made me an even firmer believer in my old values. recently i was thinking of changing them -- of . . of giving into my lonliness, my desire or impulse . . to have someone close to me, even if its wrong. how could i have even forgotten for one second, the consequences of those actions? one moment of weakness is all it takes to end up with the irrevocable . . damages that can be caused by casual sexual relations. my god, poor sarah. i can't even imagine what she's going through right now. you always think " this can't happen to me or anyone i know/love/care about " -- and then it does. poor alice. at least she got away from him, and the guy is in custody now. i hope they book that sonofabitch. i know what it's like . . . to not get away twice -- thank god she didn't have to go through that. thank god for that small miracle.

THIS DAY STARTED OFF GOOD, I SWEAR TO YOU. i was smiling for the first time in almost a month. it was beautiful outside. blue sky, warm sunlight, light breeze, not a cloud anywhere. a boy i didn't know walked up to me at lunch and said: 'scuse me, i just wanted to say i think you have the most magnetic smile i've ever seen. i stammered a thank you as he walked away, and it made me smile even more. my friend kelly got accepted to NKU and she'll be joining me here in january. i got two e-mails from my friend jon, and another from my friend marcus. we're making plans to get together over x-mas break. i talked to my little cousins today, for the first time in weeks -- gosh i miss them. ( i miss gracie, dawson & stephen too, dammit :[ little people are wonderful ) michelle & i made dinner, and then we baked cookies & watched friends and will & grace.

it started off like the greatest day, and it's ending like this. i swear i have really shitty karma. these thoughts are keeping me awake, and i've tried to sleep for hours now -- hours. you know what? i wish i had just one more day/night . . . . like the first one i spent here. just one more, to balance out all the shit and negativity of the past three weeks/month.

. . okay i'm shutting up now. :: attempts sleep once more. ::

something has been taken,
from deep inside of me . .
a secret i've kept locked away,

wounds so deep they never show,
they never go away . .
like moving pictures in my head,
for years & years they've played . .

if i could change,
take back the pain,
retrace every wrong move i made,
if i could stand up & take the blame,
if i could take all the shame to the grave,
if i could change,
take back the pain,
retrace every wrong move i made,
if i could stand up & take the blame,
i'd take all the shame to the grave
it's easier to run,
replace this pain with something numb . .
it's so much easier to go,
then face all this pain here all alone . .
sometimes i remember,
the darkness of my past . .
bringing back these memories,
i wish i didn't have . .
sometimes i think of letting go,
and never looking back . .
never moving forward,
so there'd never be a past . .

if i could change,
take back the pain,
retrace every wrong move i made,
if i could stand up & take the blame,
i'd take all the shame to the grave
just pushing it aside,
all of the helplessness inside . .
pretending i don't feel misplaced,
is so much simpler then change . .
it's easier to run,
replacing this pain with something more . .
it's so much easier to go,
then face all of this pain here all alone . .
1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

i took it too far & let a ripple run right through my heart. [17 Nov 2003|06:42pm]
[ mood | confessional & honest. ]
[ music | darren hayes, where you wanted to be ]

i wrote this after six this morning ; it took a little over an hour. i'm still trying to figure out where all the emotion that i've been feeling lately . . comes from. i honestly feel like it started, when the below events began -- and they just sort of bult up continuously until now . . a time in my life when i finally have the chance to just sit back and relax. all of a sudden i feel these pent up feelings hitting me like waves crashing down -- and i'm just getting bowled over by them with this stunned expression of " what the fuck?! " on my face. issues came up i thought i was long past ; but i'm realizing now that i just convinced myself i was at the time, so i could keep going.

in short? i've been miserable for a little over two weeks now. which is no one's fault but my own, i admit that freely -- i mean, how could i deny it? but the point is, i have been ; i give off the impression of being just fine when the truth is i am anything but that. it's time to wipe away the denial residue and just try to deal with all of my issues: i consider this, step one.

- - - - - - - - -

while i decided to make everyone else happy,
i just put aside my foolish pride . .
guess i denied my own desires.
i was too busy pleasing to ever be pleased,
i forgot how to breath, question anything or ask why . .

hey everybody. i know, i know . . i should be in bed -- can't sleep though. my mind keeps playing out thoughts like my own personal movie screen. color images, dialogue and everything. wonderful isn't it? i wish the memories would bring warmer emotions then the cold emptiness that radiates.

everybody makes choices. every day decisions are made that impact lives. small, big, medium -- it doesn't matter . . in the end each one shapes who we are, who we'll be ; so at the end of the day, if you're not able to live with the decision you've made? then my friend, i think you may have a problem.

this is what happens when it's after six in the morning & i have yet to sleep -- i lose all sense & all hope of a logical thought pattern.

it's really frightening to think that someone you've come to rely & depend on . . may not be there tomorrow. it's heart-wrenching to come to the realization that the person you thought would always be there, won't be there anymore. it's even more frightening to realize they may not be there because you made the choice, or rather, would not make a choice, to have them leave or stay.

choices aren't the only things that get made every day. battles are faught, too. you make decisions and you fight battles -- whether with words or weapons, it's all the same really ; in truth, words may be the most powerful weapons we possess . . with the exception of silence. i think silence is the harshest weapon of them all ; but that's just me.

for nearly a year, i took care of my father. people often ask me what i did, before coming to kentucky, and that's what i say. i took care of my father. they ask what he had, and i have to tell them the truth. i've found the shorter the sentence, the less questions they ask. so i just say, he was dying.

uh-oh, the " d " word. works every time, too. they just stammer a sorry and shut right up. which is good because, i don't feel like talking about it often.

by take care of i mean: i clothed him, i bathed him, i fed him, i spent time with him, i read to him, i held his hand, i listened to him, and in return he confided in me. i cleaned up the daily accidents and with the exception of four outings, in the course of that year i did not leave his side. for a short time i attended community college, but i quickly dropped out and resumed my full-time position as caretaker. don't get me wrong here -- i chose this position. i am in no way complaining about it. i WANTED to do this for him, and he preferred that i do it, over anyone else -- even my mother. he'd wake me up at three in the morning to get him a glass of water ; my mother would get really upset because, well . . she was right next to him, and i was upstairs. i didn't mind. it's how he wanted things -- how i wanted things. my father was my everything, and i wanted to return that for him in any way i could.

i don't tell alot of people this, because when you tell them what taking care of really meant? their going to cringe, or make some sort of face -- they can't help it, their only human ; a lot of others ask the question: you . . bathed him? with this gaffawed expression. yes, i did. i cleaned up the mess, and i bathed him and shaved him every day. sure it was difficult the first time. almost anything is difficult the first time you do it. but eventually you get used to it . . and if i didn't do it, who would've? i wasn't going to stand for some disgusting nurse coming in and doing it, because we paid her to. i've seen some of them before. so uncaring and cold, just ' doing teir job '. no way was i going to have some stranger taking care of my father like that. no way.

there came a point in my life when i realized? i was utterly alone. sure i'd always felt alone in a sense at times . . but this was different. completely so. i had come to depend on certain individuals -- to such an extent, i believe it was . . god, unhealthy. when this particular time came, and i needed these people . . really, needed them, like i've never needed -- they weren't there ; they just weren't there. feeble promises were made, sure. those had been made hundreds of times . . about how i wouldn't be alone when this particular event occured. empty promises. not lies, you understand -- lies are a completely different matter. lies are made with the person's intention to directly defy . . whatever it is their vowing to do. empty promises are simply a misfortune that occurs throughout life, a promise that was made -- and through one reason or another, broken ; however unintentionally.

i did a lot of reflecting during and prior to this specific event. i came to the realization/conclusion that i had done a considerable amount of " fighting " for people through out my life. it's something i've always done & will continue to do through out my life . . because i feel that the people i come in contact with are worthy of such efforts ; i want to prove to them that they matter, that their lives mean something to me . . that to someone, somewhere, they are incredibly and irreplacably important. i'm not sure i've ever really accomplished this feat -- but god knows i've tried. god knows, and i feel like he's proud of me for the effort i put in ; because i know, and he knows . . that i did it with all my heart & soul, each time -- so despite the fact that these people may or may not know how much i've fought for them . . i know i have, and god knows.

i decided that would just have to be enough -- but as much as i wanted it to be . . it wasn't.

no matter how MUCH you do for people, to some there is always going to be more you could have done, or didn't do, or didn't do the way they wanted you to / the way they would have done it themselves. there is never an " enough " that can reached . . or if there is, i haven't met anyone who reached it.

well, when the time came that i needed someone to fight for me?

no one that i thought would be there, was.

it was all too easy to tell people no. to tell them to go away. to use the same tactics they had used on me countless times, to get them to leave. except instead of fighting me, the way i had them -- they made a quick exit. i guess that was what it felt like when someone doesn't do things the way you would have done them yourself. i never looked at it that way before, until right now.

you know . . the one person i didn't expect to be there, actually showed up. it was really baffling.

my best friend kate showed up to my father's funeral. now i call her this, because in my heart she is. i love her dearly. for years, i've been this girl's family, best friend, confidant, rock and reliance. i've fed her, clothed her, sheltered her, took care of her. i've helped her battle her drug, alcohol, & anorexia/bulemia for the past 12 years. i've been her everything at one point, and at others, she was mine. no matter how bad her " addictions " proved to be -- when i needed her, she was there for me ; but i hadn't heard from her in months. i had searched endlessly to no avail, she had left my house six months earlier and supposedly moved into a nearby apartment . . but shortly after i went there, and she was no longer a resident. i had finally come to the conclusion that when she wanted/needed to be found, she'd find me . . as naive as it sounds, i didn't think i would need her first.

she came to the funeral, and she stood by me -- but i had to ask her to leave. my family, as nice as they can be at times . . and as much as my mother had called kate a daughter in the past -- found her sexual preference too unsettling to stand at this particularly sensitive time. you see, kate's a lesbian ; and my mother is of the absurd idea that if i spend enough time with her, i might just " catch it ". like a common cold, or some other such fucking ridiculous thing.

so the only person who was actually there for me was asked to leave, because her appearance ( and her girlfriend ) made others uncomfortable.

so i spent the following months making sure the bills were paid, going to the grocery store, cooking meals, cleaning the house, sending out the thank-you's, entertaining the people that came by, checking-up on my father's friends ( they are all over the age of 60 and in poor health ), caring for/comforting my mother & brothers' . . as well as my aunt, and baby-sitting my little cousins on daily basis. i made regular visits to the nursing home to see my grandmother, in place of my father. now that i'm in kentucky, i call her once a week and write her a letter every weekend. it comforts her just to know she's thought about . . i just want her to know she's not alone. nursing homes can be really cold places -- and she's on a floor full of people who no longer know who they are ; she's the only one who still knows her name.

i did all this, every day with a smile on my face. i kept up appearances, i held things together. i was my family's version of super glue. eventually i tapered off, and my mother learned to do things on her own again. i moved to kentucky, and things have settled into what i suppose, is our new version of normal, whatever that word really means.

. . what's starting to frighten me is, i realize now that i never took the time to just grieve. over the course of the year that i took care of my father, i lost a lot of people who were vital to me. my grandmother, who was more of a mother to me then my own ; alexis montgomery, a little girl with leukemia who i had looked after ( she was the closest thing i've ever known to having a child of my own ) ; my friend theresa died of an ephedra overdose ; my friend jason papanikos killed himself . . . and then my father. i never just STOPPED and grieved for any of these people. i just put myself on auto-pilot. have to go to school, have to take care of grandma, have to take care of alexis, have to take care of dad, have to take care of mom, greg & paulie, have to go to school . . .

when did my turn come? did i miss it somehow? i very well may have, i'm not sure. lately i haven't been sure of anything except the certainties of death and past events that can't be changed -- but still haunt me regardless.

i have no doubt that these memories will continue to haunt me for some time. i have no misconceptions that some of these memories, however warm they may be, will cause me to cry incessantly. i'll always miss the people that are gone, and the people who are no longer a part of my life. that won't change -- the only thing that will change with time, i hope . . is me.

i'd really like a change to come along right about now.
[[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

i'm watching you disappear -- but you were never here. [09 Nov 2003|02:36am]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | britney spears, shadow ]

i started listening to this song and it just -- it hit me so hard tears came to my eyes. let the record show i have always been anti-britney until very recently. someone who's grown very close to my heart, is a new friend of mine named britt . . and she is britney spears biggest fan. i look at her on tv now, and i think of britt. i can't hate britney spears anymore. i'm constantly teasing my friend, asking her ' what she's done ' . . but the truth is, i let her ; and this song is amazing.


your body's warm,
but you are not
you give a little,
not a lot
it could be love,
until we kiss
your all i want,
but not like this

i'm watching you disappear,
but you . .
you were never here,
it's only your shadow . .
never your self
it's only your shadow,
nobody else
it's only your shadow . .
here in the room
arriving too late,
leaving too soon

your body gives,
but then holds back
the sun is bright . .
the sky is black
could only be another sign,
i cannot keep what isn't mine
your laughter lingers on,
but you are almost gone
it's only your shadow . .
never your self
it's only your shadow,
nobody else
it's only your shadow . .
here in the room
arriving too late,
leaving too soon
how can i tell . .
if you mean what you say?
you say it so loud,
but your so far away
maybe i had just a glimpse of your soul . .
but was that your shadow i saw on the wall?
i'm watching you disappear,
but you were never here . .
it's only your shadow . .
never your self
it's only your shadow,
nobody else
it's only your shadow . .
here in the room
arriving too late . .

it's only your shadow,
it's only your shadow . .
nobody else
it's only your shadow,
arriving too late . .
leaving too soon
[[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

maybe it's for the best, maybe it's not for anything. [06 Nov 2003|11:51pm]
[ mood | envious ]
[ music | new found glory, hit or miss ]

i confess i was lost in the pages. )

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

you & i both loved, what you & i spoke of . . . [05 Nov 2003|12:22am]
[ mood | shocked ]
[ music | jason mraz, you & i both ]

first of all, i talked to ben today -- this is the first long conversation we've had -- and i think it went really well. ( he's someone i'm getting to know ) his writing is really inspirational and amazing ; speaking of, i have to go read his online journal . . he was writing a few hours ago, but i got distracted because. .

CS e-mailed me, and i just spent the past two and a half hours talking to him. i can't even describe how i'm feeling right now. this is -- this is the best thing that's happened in a while, that's all i know.

AND . . jon e-mailed me. he wants to make plans for me to see him in canada, plus to hang out over christmas break. :] i can't wait.

i lucked out three times in one night!

what's weird . . a friend asked me to download michael jackson's song dangerous -- and now i keep listening to it. rofl. okay, now that this entry is totally randomized i'm going to bed. . Lol.

3 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

let's re-write an ending that fits . . . [04 Nov 2003|02:28am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | nickelback, someday ]

question for the . . three people who still read this journal.

what song if any, reminds you of me?

i don't know why i am obsessed with this song right now . . but i am. i even downloaded the video. had a fight with stephen tonight -- oh joy. you know . . i liked my plan i had all semester. sticking to school, focusing on me. i let him and michelle in because i wanted them to be friends . . and both of them got mad for reasons that make no sense. michelle " seems " okay now ; she wants to go out for chinese food wednesday night but that won't work for me unless i find a way off this campus to cash my money order. i think i'm spending the remainder of the semester in my freakin' apartment with the exception of the cafeteria for dinner and my classes . . that's it.

2 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

i'm awake in the infinite cold . . [03 Nov 2003|12:40am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | mandy moore, only hope ]

you know . . i always seem to find the words, for everything. and lately it's like i've forgotten how to do -- not everything, but close enough to it. i'm taking a break ; from everyone, and everything.

i spent the weekend working and hanging out with stephen. saturday was spent working on projects for classes, finishing up papers for anthropology ( i have to write five ). he came by after he finished work and we watched a movie . . sat around and talked, got to know each other a little more. he seems like a nice boy, and i enjoy his company. but i'd rather stay home & watch a video then go out -- he takes the idea of paying for a girl to mean dating, and i'm not up for that yet. it's funny because . . a little while ago? i really, really thought i was. i guess i just came to the conclusion that relationships aren't a big factor in my life right now. i'm very focused on school -- i'm working really hard at my classes, and i know i'm doing well, which gives me a renewed sense of pride i haven't felt for a long time. with the exception of my trip to wafflehouse friday night, i've eatten very healthy this semester, and i only drink pop on the weekends if i go out. the lifestyle changes i've made are subtle, but effective. for a while i stopped going to the gym, because i came down with this weird stomach . . thing. i still can't eat very much, and that was almost a month ago.

today i spent mostly reading jane goodall's book, through a window for anthropology class . . i want to be finished with it by tuesday, and i got through a good chunk of it today. i watched a walk to remember earlier, hence the reason i'm listening to this song. i don't think i'll ever get tired of this movie -- i really don't. alright, it's late . . i need to get to bed. i hope you're all doing well. bri, i miss you & mark something fierce -- tell him to e-mail me would you? :] meg, i think of you & jim whenever i hear the dixie chicks ' traveling soldier ' . . minus the sad end, of course.

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

what would it take to make you see that i'm alive . . [28 Oct 2003|01:09am]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | clay aiken, invisible ]

okay. my horoscope for the past few days? BEYOND ANNOYING. which begs the question, why do i read this shit? the reason it's so annoying is because it's accurate beyond words.

anyway. sunday was pretty great. i woke kiora up & " made " him drive me to mcdonald's at a little after nine in the morning. :] hee. i'm kidding, obviously. i can't make anybody do anything. but still, it was really nice of him. it was nice to just hang out for a little bit in general . . this entire month has felt off to me, since my mom left. sunday it felt like everything was shifting back on-kilter -- i'm relieved.

let me just tell the people who actually read my journal how CUTE gracie, stephen & dawson are. ohmygod. :] lmao . . they were talking to my friends britt & kelly on the phone, each taking turns. and then when i hung up the phone they were all in the corner of the room, whispering to each other. so i go " you guys -- what're you doing? " and they all turn around and attack me. L m a o. they tackled me to the couch and started kissing me, all three at once. it was hilarious, i couldn't stop laughing. then gracie kissed stephen and he went in the kitchen and told mom, but he said it wasn't as good as when britney spears kissed him in a dream the night before. ( HE IS FOUR YEARS OLD. how cute is that?! ROFL. ) after stephen & dawson left, i read gracie a story :] okay. to know her, is to love her. to know any of them, the same rule applies. they are precious beyond words.

yeah . . i don't really feel like typing anymore. so i'll post these two surveys ( one is just a question ) and go back to studying history.

something i stole from a ton of people: think of one word that describes me & write it in a comment to this journal.

EDIT: @ 3:28 AM . . i finished my book other fish in the sea finally, by lisa kussel. i hadn't touched it in two weeks due to midterms, the flu and eve's curse making me the bitch of the millenia and otherwise keeping me inclined to my bed or the chair infront of my tv. i only had fifteeen pages or so left of the last story, anyhow. then i read 70 pages of nicholas sparks new novel the wedding between 1 - 3 am on monday morning ; i just finished it. i couldn't put this thing down, and then . . i got misty towards the end. when i closed the book, i needed a freakin' tissue. i cried. okay, i'm not overly sentimental -- i can be sensitive sometimes, sure. but lately? i cry at movies. i gush over babies. even this beautiful book makes me sentimental. i don't know what's happening to me . . and i don't even know whether i LIKE IT or not. it's not bad or good it's just . . different, weird even.

whatcha doin' tonight? )

1 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close . . [22 Oct 2003|02:58am]
[ mood | tense & sore. ]
[ music | yellowcard, breathing ]

. . so it's no secret that i don't write much anymore. another eight days have gone by and still, i have what feels like nothing to say. i know i'll find something eventually, i always do.

i've spent the past two weeks studying for midterms. i've had a cold of some-sort for over a week now . . not too sure what it is. i'm getting plenty of sleep ( finally ) but i'm still tired all the time. my appetite is practically non-existant, but i still eat the required meals out of habit. if i didn't i'd have several people on my ass, anyway. midterms went by just fine, and the only ton of homework i was given over the course of our break was to study for an upcoming history test, and french workbook stuff. ( - makes a note to ask kiora for the frenchbook. - )

. . i knew i'd forget so i e-mailed him now just in case.

this always seems to happen to me. mid-way through a semester i lose my drive and comedown with a huge case of lethargy. i have to find a way to shake myself out of this, i really do.

i've downloaded a ton of yellowcard songs today -- their all really good. my cousin frankie is the best person ever because he let me use his credit card to order my philosophy products :D kelly & britt may come see me in january, who knows. i'm trying to figure out what i want to do this summer. it's kindof sad but . . since i finally left home, i don't really want to go back there. i knew it would end up this way ; especially after my dad was gone. i don't care where i end up, but i know where i don't want to be -- i don't want to be there. sure i miss my mom & my family sometimes . . but i adjusted to living on my own pretty quickly when i was in vermont, and i made the same adjustment when i moved here. i'm trying to make a lot of little changes . . about myself, about the way i view things. it's taking time but i'm doing it and i'm doing it on my own.

. . since i moved home, to take care of my dad i felt like i've been dealing with everything on my own. funny how i didn't feel like i was growing-up until i moved back home for a year. every day was a struggle of some kind, from the minute i moved back. for starters i met alexis -- and my whole life changed. sure i've cared for kids before, i babysat a lot with austin and savannah . . all their lives, from infancy ; and when i moved to vermont some of my friends on campus had children that i babysat . . including my boss's eight-month old. but alexis was something completely different. in a way, she became -- as selfish as this sounds, mine. she called me her pretend-mommy, because her's was never around. i experienced . . what i think it must feel like, to have a child. it changed me in a lot of ways -- and as hard-ass as i may come across sometimes, i think at heart i'm an extremely soft person. god i miss her. alright, that's an entry all on it's own. i worked as the head receptionist at my local probation office, and i did a lot of volunteer work. then i went to my local community college for a while and began taking care of dad more after alexis passed away. after christmas i began taking care of him almost full time . . until i withdrew from school and took care of him 24/7 until his final days. god i hate even typing those words . . final days. i hate it.

it's kindof sad, honestly. i mean my mom calls me, but we never have much to say to each other. we're not very good conversationalists . . when it comes to one of us talking to the other one. but generally i think we're pretty great at keeping a conversation. i mean i've watched her have better conversations with complete strangers she meets in the cereal isle of a market then she does with me on the phone -- but i'm not any good at it either, so it's a two way street. i was just laying on my day bed the other day, talking to her and . . i silently wished i was talking to my dad. we had no problems communicating. he knew what i was thinking without me even having to be there. he was my best friend, and no matter how i try to fix this with my mom, i don't feel like we'll ever get to that level.

it's an adjustment -- living on your own, doing everything on your own . . being alone, in general. i think it took me too long to make that adjustment and come full circle, but i think i'm finally here.

i don't even know what the point of this entry was, or how i got . . where i've gotten to. anyway . .

bri -- i miss you, and i'm thinking of you. i'm going to e-mail you right now.
meg -- i'm glad you had such a wonderful time with jim . . but i'm sorry about your step-brother and his ex-wife :/ if you need anything please feel free to comment or e-mail me.
kiora -- your a nerd . . this weekend you should write an entry. yep, it's your turn to give me something interesting to read.

edit: ashley surprised me with two new icons, she's a total sweetheart. i was attempting to stay away from the dawson/joey theme -- but i had to show these off.

2 discovered they CAN be (( ANYTHING )) they want to be!

| [[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

there will be no white flag above my door . . [14 Oct 2003|12:45am]
[ mood | tired & alright. ]
[ music | dido, white flag ]

alright so . .

jon e-mailed, getting my message i left on his machine today. i got a prompt e-mail reply . . which made me smile. he always makes time for me, and i know how demanding his schedule is. i remember once, he said: " you realize you are the only person i return e-mails too? " :] he has a really busy lifestyle . . he works so hard in school. i'm really grateful that he makes as much time for me as he does. Rofl -- he called me darling. that made me laugh. he even says thinks like ' bullocks ' still . . he went england over a year ago. it's hilarious -- i don't think we'll ever be able to get rid of the little piece of ' english ' accent he's acquired. have you ever just loved someone's insight? it's nice to get an outside perspective from someone who's not so close to the people or situations you are in. i repeat the other day's statement: i love jon to bits . . lmao.

[[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

let my love throw a spark -- have a little faith in me . . [11 Oct 2003|02:58pm]
[ mood | awake & grateful. ]
[ music | mandy moore, have a little faith in me ]

my day started off so well. jon called me, from canada. :] i love jon, i really do. his call brightened my day, because we talk so rarely. he might take a road trip this summer . . and hopefully he'll make his way here to kentucky. i'd love to see jon. i had the pictures i took this summer finally developed, but i can't go pick them up yet. :x

ok. i just wanted to write about jon. :D

[[ i am ]] confidence & insecurity. .

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