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[06 May 2008|12:25am] |
so last night i was driving around, pretty upset, crying, actually (emo i know) and i ended up the beach - like i usually do.
well, when i got there, i didn't end up sitting on the rocks sorting out my thoughts.
instead i ended up wiping off my face and walking over to the car that had somehow hopped the curb and gotten stuck in the sand.
it was a 70-something year old man who had had a little too much to drink.
i called AAA for him and when the cop came i spoke with him about the fact that he had been drinking and asked him to make sure he was okay to get back on the road (which he obviously wasn't seeing as how he had hopped a pretty thick curb and nearly ended up in the water - thankfully the sand was there to stop him/jam his front tires deep enough in that he couldn't get farther into the beach to reach the water)
i waited there and spoke with him, kept him company while the cop ran his license and his plates and we waited for the tow truck to come pull his car out of the sand.
this man had gone through a lot - within the last year his son was hit by a car and paralyzed from the waist down. his wife has lung cancer and has a breathing tube attached through her throat. this poor man, at 70-something years old, with so much going on, and he nearly got a DUI to add to it. granted he put that on himself by drinking and driving, but still.
now, after i stopped, plenty more cars had driven by, and before i had stopped, a lot of cars had surely driven by before me as well, but me, the 20 year old girl was the one to stop and have enough guts and enough heart to go up to him and ask him if he was okay and if he needed any help.
i can't tell you how many times this man said thank you to me and told me how brave of a person i am and how great of a person i am.
the cop said the same thing and even, jokingly (i think?) told me, for the night, i have a "get out of jail free card" and that he wouldn't kick me out of the beach if i wanted to stay.
i didn't really think i was doing anything that extraordinary - if someone needs help i usually stop to help them - unless i get a bad feeling.
just this past winter i pulled over for a car that had swerved off the road in the snow and ended up in a snowy ditch - i called 9-1-1 for him and made sure he was okay before leaving (he told me i didn't have to wait)
i stopped on a dark windy busy route in fairfield (that i'm more than used to) and helped lead 2 lost girls, who were probably around my age or a little younger, back to the highway because they were lost.
and doing all of this i never really thought i was doing anything all that extraordinary or overly nice - i figured i was just being a good person, a good citizen, doing my duty to help others when they need it - because i would only hope that someone would do the same for me if i ended up stuck in the sand, or in a snowy ditch/bank, or lost on a dark windy route that i knew nothing about.
i always just thought that being a good person was a given.
that helping others was what people were supposed to do.
it never really hit me until last night that no one does those things because everyone is afraid of one another - no one has trust, and no one has faith in the rest of the human race.
i guess i can see why - i've been hurt and screwed over plenty of times, and you hear so many things on the news about people getting stabbed or shot or hurt or kidnapped and so on for seemingly no reason..
but i always just kind of thought that it really only takes one person to get the ball rolling - if you're nice to people maybe others will see that not everyone is bad and that they can help others as well..
but that's really idealistic and hardly the way it goes.
but i can't help but be a good person to others.
what's the point of living a life of selfishness, greed, anger, fear, and carelessness?
there isn't one.
it's not like being selfish and so on gets you anywhere in life other than miserable, right?
but then again, here i am, nice and kind to everyone, strangers even, and i'm sitting here, 2 nights in a row, crying over you.
missing you and trying to figure out why you would lie to me and hurt me so badly.
why, when you knew me like the back of your hand, would you tell me these things that you knew, in the long run, if they weren't true, they would hurt me more than anything else?
why??
i just don't understand.
it's almost as though karma is reversed - i'm an amazingly great person, kind, caring, compassionate, and you're this selfish addict who only wants things that will further yourself. that will feed YOUR hunger, your high.
you don't care who you hurt along the way - even if it is one of the only people that cares this much about you.
you're hurting your family, your mother, and the girl who most likely cares deeper about you than any of those other girls that you hang out with and get fucked up with.
it makes me wonder why i try so hard to understand and deal with anything that you do.
why can't i get over you?
i'm 20 years old and growing up. getting my life in order, i know what i want to do with my life, and i am completely goal and future oriented.
you on the other hand are 20 years old, going on 15. you hang out with high schoolers, and not even high school seniors, but kids that aren't even legally driving yet - that aren't graduating for another 2 years. kids that are my brother's damn age or a year older.
you're not a catch, and you're no where near worth my time.
so why does my heart keep pulling it's way back to you? why does my chest hurt every time i think of how much i miss you? why when i think of you does something pull inside of my chest as though there's a string and hook attached to something, presumably my heart, inside of there and pulling so hard at every mention, sighting, or thought of you?
what do you have that i can't seem to find in anyone else?
what is it about you that i can't seem to get completely turned off by you when i can always find something small and minute, or big and disgustingly repulsive about somebody else so quickly and stick with it and not get attached to them or even start liking them? but with you, even after all the hell you put me through, all the lies you've told me, all the hurt and pain and heartache you've caused me, i still can't seem to get over you - i still can't seem to fully hate you. i can't be indifferent to you. i can't stop caring. i can't stop feeling for you.
i just can't stop.
it's like you're my addiction.
you're addicted to substance while i'm addicted to you.
how does that even work?
it's all so fucked up.
i just want to stop feeling like this.
i just want to stop feeling all of this.
i want to stop writing entries about you - i want to stop relating everything back to you.
i want to listen to "minstrel's prayer" without wanting to ball my eyes out or nearly and even actually balling my eyes out.
i want to love cartel again.
i want to listen to my favorite band without thinking of you.
i want to look at pictures of you and feel nothing.
but i'm not sure that will ever happen.
i want to see a red car with a black bra and not think of you.
i want to see a Civic and not hate them.
i want to drive by your house on the way to my dad's or on the way home from his house and not look over at it.
i want to drive by the Milford Lanes and not think of our first date.
i want to go to Merritt and not think of you.
i want to go to VIP and Penthouse and not think of you.
i want to smoke a ciggarette and not have it be about you and not have a thought of you in my head.
i want to sit in the center of town and not look at Porricelli's and hate it because of you, but hate it because it sucked.
i want to sit at starbucks and not think of the time i saw you before the show when i had Kendra with me.
i don't want everything and every place to remind me of you.
i want everything to be neutral again.
i want everything to be okay again.
i want to be okay again.
i don't want to hurt anymore.
not over you at least.
i want to hear of a tragedy and be sad that it happened and not think that it could have been you.
i want to go months without hearing from you and not worry that you're dead on the side of a road cos you drank or smoked too much or OD'ed on some sort of drug(s).
but i don't think any of that will happen.
maybe some of it.
maybe with time.
maybe.
i just wish someone made a band-aid for your heart, so that something would hold it together while you're trying to put back the pieces.
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