| just until the other one works. |
[06 Dec 2005|05:55pm] |
Humiliation upon humiliation. Obviously, this is something you should have worked out beforehand, something you should have had under control by now. I sit here, ashamed of you, ashamed that you are so obviously weak, that you’re falling apart over the same thing again. You prop yourself up only to crumble.
I love you. I love you enough to stand by you, to not leave you alone with my disgust and anger, with your betrayal of me and of him. You shouldn’t want it; it’s like longing to be sick once more, saddled with someone who obviously doesn’t deserve you, just to make yourself feel righteous. I don’t want to see you like this; I don’t want to know you like this. I hate it when you make me feel this way about you.
I love you. I don’t want you to be in pain. The only person in the world I would feel the pain for…
…is cracking.
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| frenzied. |
[05 Apr 2005|04:29am] |
Perhaps if I lived in Turkey, smoking hashish with beautiful long-haired people, contemplating astrophysical travel and psychology; but maybe if I lived in England and we all stayed beneath our sheets as it rains and drank absinth in the evenings beside fires, talking of politics and running down cobblestone streets in the dark; or I could live in Germany near a forest, own a chunk of land or live in a sublet, stalk through the woods in the snow with my comrades and we wouldn't speak, we would communicate by looking at one another; or in Norway, perhaps Norway, and we could stand on cliffs and stare out at the vast horizon and discuss mythology, hang pots and pans from the trees to ward off evil and sleep in a cabin, huddled together for warmth; or Australia, where it's warm and the scene would be huge and we could snort K and talk about the unnatural and the paranormal and consort on acts of vandalism, we could wear dark clothes all year round and I could shave the back of my head if I wanted; what about LA, the city of angels, we could roll or trip and dance and sell our souls and we wouldn't talk at all because we'd be busy sipping water and contemplating our appearance and when we did talk it would be asinine; or Japan and we could stroll the strips and they would copy our outfits and the scene would embrace us, we would have our own cronies and groupies and they would follow us, speaking broken English at us while we exchanged snide comments and witticisms...
...anywhere but here.
|
|
| bailey and brandon's series of unfortunate events. |
[02 Jan 2005|05:20pm] |
I was arrested at 11:41PM, December 31st, 2004. I celebrated midnight in the cruiser, my hands handcuffed behind my back, while they arrested Brandon and Dan and searched my car. I was processed, given a ticket, and returned to society the next year...it ws about 12:45AM when I left the station.
I am being charged with a DUI, probably an underage, and most likely paraphenalia.
I will have to obtain a public defender. I will lose my license for three months (90 days). I will have to pay multiple fines. I will probably have to take time off from school to get a decent job to work off the money for the fines..
Happy New Years.
"You know, I always kinda of thought I would be arrested for my first time with you."
Oh, and for the record, I blew a .023, so I wasn't even legally drunk. It would have meant nothing...if I was three years older.
|
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| weak. |
[21 Dec 2004|01:04pm] |
I hate to admit it...but I miss you, Sol. I've missed you for a while, but no time of the year makes me miss you the way I miss you when it snows outside. I think about when I first met you, and how much you have shaped my life.
I'm eighteen now. Can you believe it? It's been about four years. I wonder if you remember the same things I remember, wonder if you ever think about me. If only we still spoke...if only you still cared.
Any time I play London After Midnight, any time someone mentions sugar cane or Brian Molko, every time I think of cemetaries at night, every piercing I've gotten, every time I carefully twist the knots out of my hair...
I think of you.
I miss our friendship. If you ever read this...
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| so far from you. |
[16 Dec 2004|10:06pm] |
I thought this year would be different, finally, a time without that dead feeling. I almost had myself convinced that it was you that made me feel this, that our draining, straining relationship was behind my near-suicidal winter depressions. I kept assuming that our all-consuming obsession with one another had something to do with the lonely longings, the midnight walks in the snow. But now I think back, before we were together, and remember other walks, other thoughts, other cuts, all before you. No matter how much I would like to think you led me down this path like some docile little lamb, I would be lying to myself. The truth is I was bounding down the path myself, and I let you hold my hand and tell me it was the right choice.
I hear the music, I feel that distance. The stars, the moon, I'm unworthy of it all, yet I sit and embrace it, drink it all in. I feel so noncommital when I stare out at the vast expanse that is the galaxy, and I think of all the things I wanted to be when I was younger, things that I still want to be now.
I never wanted to be a ballerina, or a doctor, or a happy housewife. I wanted to be Lydia from "Beetlejuice"; I wanted to be Gordy from "Stand By Me"; I wanted to be Edward from "Edward Scissorhands". I wanted to be beautiful and miserable, introspective and secretive, distant from humanity, entirely self-involved, talented, eccentric. I wanted to be a writer locked away in my room; I wanted to be a photographer, darkroom in the basement. I wanted to be alone but in love, something beautiful and unattainable.
"Beauitiful and unattainable" has been a running theme in my life, my weakness. Once I have something, the thrill is gone. It's mediocre (and I wonder if that is because the mystery is gone or because I am the one who now has it) to me. Everything in my life that I have wanted and gotten has been accepted, then rejected, lackluster, bland, boring. Everyone that I've ever wanted has become less attractive to me, sometimes gradually, the more I possess them, know them. Eventually everyone is the same, no better, no worse, and all I can see is what I don't enjoy anymore. Being comfortable feels unbearable to me. Having something become familiar makes it intolerable, makes it...less.
Give me a new place, give me an affair, give me a fight...god, just don't make me deal with the mundane.
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|
[16 Dec 2004|05:31pm] |
"The Viking"
"Well how do you do
My name is Lars
I'm from Cambell, California
you might know that by now
I'm of Danish decent
for that I'm proud
see my father was a nomad
I havent seen him for awhile
lost a brother
still got a mother, I ain't motherless
for some of you out there
that might be hard to believe
see I've been up and I've been down
I smile and I frown
I've made every gesture
that a young man can steal
and I know that I'm married to the sea
well I know I'm married to the sea
you see some people are on lockdown
and some are free
but I know that I'm married to the sea
Well I've been rich I've been poor
spent it on whores
got married and divorced to the girl thats next door
stolen fast cars dated pop stars
been around the world
slept with underage women
turn tricks for a thrill
tried sucide but didn't die
well I'm here to tell
I dont know a heaven
but I've made peace with hell
been shot at, been stabbed
been beaten up real bad
survived everything without being killed
and I know I'm married to the sea
and I know I'm married to the sea
some people are on lockdown man
some are free
and I know I'm married to the sea
slept in fancy hotels, eaten from garbage cans
been down every highway, I've grown into a man
see my best friend die right before my eyes
aborted a baby and shed my tears
been strung out on pills, slammed my share of dope
I drank all your booze, and snorted your coke
I've been loved, I've been hated
to me it's all the same
embraced by a lover or your cursing my name
and I know I'm married to the sea
and I know I'm married to the sea
some people are on lockdown
and some are free
and I know I'm married to the sea
and I know I'm married to the sea
and I know I'm married to the sea
some people are on lockdown sugar
and some are free
and I know I'm married to the sea
I'm married to the sea
you see the great big ocean
well thats for me
Sorry ladies I'm married to the sea
I'm married to the sea
I'm married to the sea
but I'm free, yea I'm free"
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| spirits. |
[08 Dec 2004|08:03pm] |
"We have to have sex."
[laughs] "Uh huh."
"No, I'm serious..."
"Yeah."
"I want to have sex with you."
"Because I'm drunk and available." [laughs]
"No. No. I've thought that since the first time I saw you. That I wanted to have sex with you."
[blackout]
Boys...
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| live fast, die young. i'm not saying it's going to be pretty. |
[07 Dec 2004|07:53am] |
Last night…I broke several resolves. It’s hard to believe that only a couple hours ago I was drunk, slurring, loving, rubbing drunk on rum and vodka. Yesterday was long, last night even longer. Gerrick’s house, too much dope and moonshine, and crack on the aluminum foil, and I just keep thinking about every cliché I’ve ever uttered. Crack has always been a joke drug, but here I am with my lips wrapped around the tube like it was a revolver.
We get in the car and we drive, get lost, drink some more moonshine out of the Cherry Pepsi bottle. We find the right road and go to Joe’s, hoping for more drugs, and Ashley. We get there and split up, I end up sitting in a circle on the floor making promises with friends I rarely keep, pledging undying’s to guys I hardly know beyond fucked-up friends. Joe, someone and I lick coke and heroin off a crate top. Brent keeps trying to get me to sleep with him, promising that it will be the best and that I won’t have to wear my fem-on-fem ring anymore. Denied. We test the limits of everyone’s bisexuality (something I’ve always wanted to be involved in). Long night indeed.
But by 6:50AM I’m well aware that sleep is unattainable and that I’ve now walked, talked, and kissed my way sober. The alcohol is gone and has been, the drugs are gone, and everyone settles into a haze to watch a movie. I doze sitting up, but can’t get comfortable, so we leave. I take you home. I go home.
I still haven’t slept. I still haven’t eaten.
But I won’t say that I didn’t get a perverse satisfaction out of the fact that as I drove home after such a night, I passed my sister’s school bus. Heh. I wonder if there really is something wrong with me…
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| four day damage control. |
[06 Dec 2004|05:04am] |
Aside from being entirely tired from this grueling marathon of debauchery, I'm doing quite well, holding up quite magnificently, really.
In the past couple of days I've kissed two girls...allow me to invite you into the problem with this.
Ashley seems to be what I want. I mean, she has all these attractive qualities - she is who I've wanted to be. She's confident and strong. And she's fucking beautiful. We share the same vices - drink, drugs, and the occasional cock. We just...clicked. And the passion was so intense...there is no description.
Rae is sweet. I'm not physically attracted to her, like I am with Ashley, but I see someone who would be there when I needed her. And she really cares about me, wants me to be happy, is willing to change a situation on my behalf.
I kissed Ashley and felt that intensity, that blatant sexuality. I kissed Rae and it felt so damn perfunctory, so bland.
"You're a good kisser."
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| a night to remember...unfortunate blackouts. |
[05 Dec 2004|11:57pm] |
“What is your consumption?”
joint with Gerrick (pure fucking coolness, that man)
2 lines of mescaline (thanks again, Gerrick)
too much rum
too much cocaine
not enough concentrated LSD
multiple bongs
Tough, rough, tumble night.
Oh, and I met someone. Her name is Ashley, and she is sweet like an fetish film with a body and soul to match. She belongs opposite of Bettie Page. My blonde bombshell.
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| ...just 'cause it makes me happy. |
[01 Dec 2004|05:19pm] |
"Nancy Boy"
by Placebo
"Alcoholic kind of mood
lose my clothes, lose my lube
cruising for a piece of fun
looking out for number one
different partner every night
so narcotic outta sight
what a gas, what a beautiful ass.
And it all breaks down at the role reversal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
Kind of buzz that lasts for days
had some help from insect ways
comes across all shy and coy
just another nancy boy.
Woman man or modern monkey
just another happy junkie
fifty pounds, press my button
going down.
And it all breaks down at the role reversal
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
Does his makeup in his room
douse himself with cheap perfume
eyeholes in a paper bag
greatest lay I ever had
kind of guy who mates for life
gotta help him find a wife
we're a couple, when our bodies double.
And it all breaks down at the role reversal
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the role reversal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me."
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[30 Nov 2004|09:51am] |
 Your Freaky Fetish Is Androgyny!"Boys in the girl's room; Girls in the men's room" You're game, as long as you can't tell them apart Your amBIguous sexuality prefers those of ambiguous gender Because it's much more fun when the sexy parts are a surprise! What's Your Freaky Fetish?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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[29 Nov 2004|05:52pm] |
I AM 80% EVIL GENIUS!  I am pure evil. I lie awake at night devising schemes of world domination, and I will not rest until all living souls bend to my will. |
|
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| ...every me. |
[29 Nov 2004|05:10pm] |
Kurt Cobain....
You are a very depressed person but yet you can
create good things through your talent.
However you don't realize how talented you are.
Good possibility you do drugs such as weed.
Which rockstar are you like?
brought to you by Quizilla
I AM 59% EMO!  Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater. |
You're a Harp!
What Type of Alcoholic Beverage Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a Punk Boy Kiss! You met your cutie at that
concert last week... Instead of bringin home
some CDs and a shirt... you brought home him!
What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
brought to you by Quizilla
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| ...romantic notions about drug addiction have never done anything good for me. |
[29 Nov 2004|12:57pm] |
"My Sweet Prince"
by Placebo
"Never thought you'd make me perspire
Never thought I'd do you the same
Never thought I'd fill with desire
Never thought I'd feel so ashamed
Me and the dragon can chase all the pain away
So before I end my day remember
My sweet prince you are the one
My sweet prince
You are the one
Never thought I'd have to retire
Never thought I'd have to abstain
Never thought all this could back fire
Close up the hole in my vein
Me and my valuable friend
Can fix all the pain away
So before I end my day, remember
My sweet prince
You are the one
My sweet prince
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain
Me and you baby
Still flush all the pain away
So before I end my day, remember
My sweet prince
You are the one
My sweet prince
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
You are the one
My sweet prince
My sweet prince"
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[26 Nov 2004|01:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Oceansoul" - Nightwish |
] |
I'm not going to do it...because I feel ugly enough.
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| listening to this and crying just feel so right when i think of you... |
[26 Nov 2004|01:27am] |
"A Desolation Song"
by Agalloch
"Here I sit at the fire
Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul
Here I drink alone and remember
A graven life, the stain of her memory
In this cup, love's poison
For love is the poison of life
Tip the cup, feed the fire,
And forget about useless hope. . .
Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk. . .
Here's to love, the sickness
The great martyr of the soul
Here's to life, the vice
The great herald of misery
In this cup, spiritus frumenti
For this is the nectar of the spirit
Quench the thirst, drown the sorrow
And forget about cold yesterdays. . .
Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk. . .
Lost in the desolation of love
The sorrows we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
The path that we walk. . . "
|
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| "...something so beautiful it hurts..." |
[26 Nov 2004|12:20am] |
|
When I play music that makes me think of you, of us, I have to turn the volume down.
I was walking up the road in the dark, underneath that cold, hard moon with the moonlight shining on everything, so bright I didn't need a flashlight and I stared up at the sky and thought that we should be standing here together, that you and I should stand here, maybe not touching, but together. I shouldn't have come home alone and you shouldn't have gone home with her and we should have kept ourselves together by any means possible because I know you think about me too.
I can see you crying already. I can feel your body, warm, responding, but I can see your eyes and how you will look after, how you will look at me. I will be comfortable, casual, sensual and you will be a wreck, a shell, for a little while. I will pull you to me, hold you with my cold hands and you will shutter when I press myself against your back. How could this be so wrong for you? It isn't, my dear. The music will blast on in such a generic way, trying to make this act less meaningful, trying to enforce the idea that the taboo hasn't been broken. But it has, darling. We will knock down these walls...
The looks afterwards will be short, but repetitive. The gaze will linger slightly on my throat, my mouth. I will stare at you outright, hoping for eye contact. I will be what you want me to be. Not her. You know she is simply a substitute; that you have sex with her, but you and I could make the most beautiful love. You know that you feel like I am missing from your life, I saw you staring at me today from across the room as I pumped her for information. I was sending out a predatory message, letting an essence of rapacious scent linger. You and I have always been close, haven't we?
Touch me and we shall become pure flame
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