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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
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10:06a
Done with life. Done feeling like I'm not good enough and not important enough. I have it all except for one thing and I have tried and tried and it just seems that I am cursed to live out the rest of my life in solitary. I don't know what I did to get this curse and contrary to the fairy tales, nobody ever told me what I have to do to break the curse. So I am done fighting. If I just go with the flow maybe my fortunes will turn. There really is no chance, but hope is what keeps us afloat. There is nothing for me to go back to, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go back because I really really do. It would just help a lot if I had something, someone. I know what it's going to be like that first night back. I'll curl up in my barren, cold, lonely room and cry. That's it. And when I can't cry any more I'll sleep. I'll cry myself to sleep.
I'm done competing with whatever it is that's against me and my quest for true happiness. I give up.
It's all I ever wanted. Someone to share my life and my love with. Someone that was as devoted to me as I would be to him. I guess that creature is more elusive than I ever have imagined. Many times I thought I came close. Every time it crashed to the ground. Taking chunks and chunks of my heart with it. And now there isn't anymore of my heart left to take. A sad state of being, but more and more I find myself coming to terms with that fact. I can't feel anymore. I'm just numb and the emptiness where one's heart should be, I just have a gaping void that I long to fill again. But I know that's a tall order and there's no end to the struggle. So I'm going to stop struggling, stop fighting. Fuck it all.
current mood:  sad
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