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Monday, April 13th, 2009
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9:19 pm - regret
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I live my life with no regrets. You can't go back and undo things that you've done, so there is no use dwelling on something that you've done. If you think it was a mistake, then learn from it and move on to the future.
But lately I have been thinking that there is one thing that I have done that I shouldn't have done and more and more I regret it. But given the circumstances at the time how could I have known.
Another night sitting here on crying to my computer...
I'm so sick of being alone and sad. I want someone to fall in love with. Someone that loves me for who I am and show me that he loves me. I had that once. And then things beyond our control happened and I walked away from it because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Well, it wasn't. Or at least it doesn't seem to be right now. Because everything's gone wrong since I did that and now I can't go back.
I've tried to move on. I've seen other guys. But it's not the same. I don't feel good about it. I feel bad the morning after. Like I've done something bad. Like it wasn't worth it. I don't like that feeling.
There's nothing I can do now...
I just want someone to come home to when this war is over for me.
current mood:  sad
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| Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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7:56 pm - well
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Another day where I didn't even remotely work on my homework. OK, I did work on it just a little bit today. I wrote two paragraphs that didn't involve any thinking on my part. It's not that I don't like the class, it's that I find it extremely difficult! I don't think I've ever had such a hard time in any class I've taken aside from like Organic Chemistry. That was just homicide.
Why is it every time I come back to California on leave I feel lazier than the laziest person in history, and more lethargic than a dead snail? I can't even stay awake. I guess it's the lack of social activity. Which makes me glad I don't actually live here or else I would have no life and no ambition whatsoever. I would just sit on the couch with my computer and get fat and blind! I ate five slices of pizza for dinner today, jeez! Don't get me wrong. I love California. I just wish I had a life here.
current mood:  mellow
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2009
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10:37 pm - have faith
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I don't want to give up. But have faith, what is right will be mine. Must have faith.
current mood: resigned
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9:22 pm - and how...?
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How did I end up worse off than when I started? I am not really even sure as to the current standing of things in this situation, but whenever I think it is going one way, an immediate 180 degree shift happens and I am left standing alone empty handed and confused until the tears fill up in my eyes and just pour out because I cannot hold them back anymore. And all this for what? There's no solution yet. Either way, I really would just like to know for sure so I can stop wondering and stop stressing and stop crying myself to sleep.
How could something that seemed one way at a certain point in time change completely in an instant?
current mood:  crushed
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2009
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6:36 pm - jump
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Sometimes you have to jump into a situation with both feet. Effectively paint yourself into a corner so that you cannot avoid what you must do. It pays off in the end. As always, have faith and you will have yours.
current mood:  thankful
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2009
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10:00 pm - moos
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As I feel my hope dwindling away little by little I wonder why I even bother feeling any emotion at all. I know deep down in my gut this thing will not work out in my favor, no matter how hard I hope for it, how hard I try, bordering onto the realm of trying too hard. *sigh* What's a girl to do, really?
I must take my own advice and have faith. Never lose faith. I've seen a higher power work for me many times before and it becomes crystal clear and evident to me later why things happened the way they did. But in the heat of the moment, things are confusing and tortuous...and you scream inside and cry and wonder why. One must just have faith and know that sometime in the future it will become apparent why.
That doesn't stop me from being a rebel and wanting something that I either can't have or should not want. It's human to feel like this, it's only natural to let it be. I'm not ready to give up and accept defeat. Not when I actually got off my ass and tried to get what I wanted this time. Not when I decided I was going to pursue what I wanted instead of sitting by and watching it slip away, never knowing what could have been like I have done many times before. I'm tired of accepting fate, that's why I did what I did and what I'm doing now. So I can take charge and get what I want, dammit...!
My friends tell me to move on, that I'm wasting my time. I know they're right but I don't know why I don't listen. Maybe I'm just that stupid. No, I'm not. I just want something and I'm used to getting what I want.
current mood:  frustrated
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
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8:40 pm - and now
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And now I have hope again. Thank God for good friends. What would I ever do without such support? Even if the hope does not last long, one can be optimistic that it indeed will carry on for as long as we need it. One can be optimistic that things will work out in our favor for once. I can go to sleep and look forward to the coming week again, and put this gloominess aside as it does not help. I am so grateful for the people in my life who care about me and help me out every day. I only wish that I can return the favor one day.
current mood: hopeful
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5:59 pm - numerology
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Whenever I try to type the word "numerology," I always end up typing "numberology." It's simple muscle memory. "Numerology" is not an often typed word, whereas "number" is.
Here's my numerology report from ProAstro. That website has some fun stuff. You know, like when you're bored and lonely and there's nothing to do but surf the web.
Numerology.
What an awfully depressing weekend I had. *sigh* All one can do at a time like this is be patient and have faith in the higher powers that be that everything happens for a reason, and in due time one will realize that things happen in such a way because in the long run it is for the better. What else can I do? Cry myself to death? That's not going to solve any problems! Blargh. Just live day by day, I say...
Or am I really destined to be sad and alone my entire life? I hope not, it would be worse than anything I could imagine. When all I really ever truly wanted was to be truly happy. To love and be loved. To be accepted into someone's life, because I so much want to let someone into my life...it's too much to put into words...how did I end up in this predicament? I really don't even know.
I don't want to be a wreck of a person...
current mood: sad
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| Sunday, February 15th, 2009
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8:10 pm - instead
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Instead of doing my homework I wasted the whole 4 day weekend away! OK, so it wasn't really a waste, it was kind of worth it, but yeah...
Here's an interesting link about the sex of brains, whether they are more feminine or masculine. I scored about in the middle for most of all of the tests. So I suppose I have a good balance of brain traits :)
Brain Sex
current mood: hopeful
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
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8:11 pm - tarot
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I'm a little stressed out right now because I have to lead PT tomorrow morning. This should not be that hard so I don't know why I am letting it bother me. Maybe because I want to come up with a good workout...blargh...whatever. What do I care anymore. I just want my life back. Find happiness...snuggle biscuits...
Well at ProAstro.com, you can get some fun stuff for free like horoscopes and numerology and tarot readings. One doesn't necessarily have to believe in their purported powers, they are just fun to read and see if they accurately describe one's personality, et cetera...
So I got my personal tarot card spread and the results are here.
current mood: stressed
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| Monday, February 9th, 2009
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8:19 pm - snuggle biscuit
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I like snuggle biscuits! They're so lovely and sweet. Mmmmmmmmm.......*smiles*
current mood: hopeful
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2009
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7:20 pm - am i a nerd?
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current mood: lonely
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
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6:59 pm - no wonder
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I was bored and browsing Craigslist. There was an ad in the Classes section that invited men to "learn exactly how to get the girl you really want." Amongst the questions and answered in the post, there included the following:If you want her to be interested in you, then you should probably do a few things:
1) Stop calling her.
2) Start dating other women, and let her know about it.
3) Act Cocky & Funny when she calls you.
4) Play hard to get...end conversations first, don't call her back, etc.
5) Stop acting so nice and sensitive. I know that some of this stuff might sound like mind games, but you have a couple of choices: Be more interesting and become more attractive to her, or keep doing what you're doing, and keep making her run. I hope this helps.
No wonder men are such jerks!! Where in the hell are they getting this awful advice?!
I mean first of all, "Stop calling her." WTF?! If a dude stops calling me then I'll just stop calling him. Jeez louise it's not that complicated! If he liked me he would call me, right? So if he's not calling me then that means he doesn't like me. And if he doesn't like me then why the hell should I call him or care why he's not calling me?
"Start dating other women..." Oh pleease...that's an instant turn-off-move-the-hell on flag right there. I don't want to be getting into all sorts of drama over a guy. And if he's dating someone else, his mind is pre-occupied anyways so obviously he's not paying attention to me anymore :P
There was also another "answer" in the article that advised the question asker to not smother the woman with attention. OK, so maybe if he was "smothering" her with attention that is a little extreme, but I have never heard of a woman who didn't like some male attention. You know, especially on a quiet night otherwise spent alone...just sayin'
current mood: sad
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
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9:45 pm - The (Revised) Blogger's Creed--by Eppy
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Note: I wrote this a long time ago, when I first got this blog. I was quite proud of myself back then. I used the PowerPoint Creed as a template. But I've made some changes, of course mainly due to changes on my outlooks about things. All in all I'm glad I got this damn thing. It wasn't to follow a fad, or anything shallow like that, I just felt the need to write. I've always kept journals when I was younger, and this was a bit more convenient.
So behold...
The (Revised) Blogger's Creed
This is my blog. There are many like it but mine is AD FREE.
My blog is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I master my world.
My blog without me is useless. Without my blog, I am useless.
I must post as often as humanly possible. I must blog with passion and accuracy.
I will post what happened to me tomorrow before it even happens. I will.
My blog and myself know that what counts in this war is not the information. We know that it is the honesty of posts, the enlightenment from each post, and the sheer relief that comes from posting that count.
My blog is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its options, its templates, its features, its security levels, and its colors.
I will keep my blog entries relevant and candid. We will become part of each other. We will.
Before my computer I swear this creed. My blog and myself are defenders of my country. We are the masters of our destiny. We are the saviors of my sanity.
So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace of mind to blog at 2:00am on a depressing night!
Bloggers Lead the Way!!
current mood: still alone
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2009
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9:30 pm - finally. and musings.
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I have finally finished my film review for I Am Legend. It only took me 11 months to write it. Truth be told, it's probably one of the worse, with the exception of the short three sentence ones I used to quickly put down when I first felt the urge to put my thoughts for worthy films down in black and white. It's just that I haven't written in such a long time, and also because I didn't sit down and write it out after I saw the film.
Now, though, I can say I have absolutely no unfinished business from 2008. Wow, it is really 2009, isn't it.
I am both eager and apprehensive about the new year. I know this year will take me places that will put a lot of stress on me, but at the same time it's going to be the start of something possibly very exciting for the rest of my life. Or the next chapter of my life at least!
That said, I really am ready for the next chapter of my life. I've done this Army thing for four and half years. I was supposed to ETS in September of this year. But our upcoming deployment will stop that from happening. Honestly, though, I am looking forward to going and gaining some real work experience that will net me a sweet job. But, yes, I am so done with the Army. Partly because I had the misfortune of ending up in possibly the worse company in the history of the universe. And partly because I never meant it to be a career. It was meant as a stepping stone into other things, bigger things. As with many people, I thought I could do exciting things and make a difference, and maybe in the greater scheme of things, my drop in the ocean efforts really do change things for the better, but not feeling appreciated and useful is a big part of my dissatisfaction. I have, however, met a handful of great and wonderful people and I can only wish to be surrounded by such people later on in life.
Men continue to baffle my mind. Nothing more to discuss here, because the problem(s) will not be solved. Questions will not be answered. *Sigh*
I have always said that my goal in life is to have no regrets. Even if I did something stupid, and I have done many of those last year, I'm not going to sit here and dwell on it. Shit, it's not like I can go back and undo it, so the best thing I can do is learn from my mistake and move the hell on. I really want to get the most out of life, I only live once, so why not, ya know. Why not cook your eggs in butter and eat expensive steak? Why not just buy the damn Blu-Ray player? And that's exactly why I feel so wasted when I'm sitting at work, not doing anything, just wasting away time. You can't get that time back, all those minutes and hours just flying by when you could be doing something that enriches your life, even if it's just reading a book or listening to a song. I mean, there's a lot of things I wish I had the courage to do, you know, but it takes some time to work up to it. As long as I did it once in my life I think I will be happy about it. No regrets, remember?
current mood: lonely
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8:50 pm - millions of peaches, peaches for free
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Look out!
So I after seeing the Watchmen trailer for the first time during my viewing of The Dark Knight earlier this year, I was quite intrigued by this film, though at the time I had no idea what it was supposed to be about. After some research I decided I had to read the graphic novel, so I bought it and now I'm almost halfway done. Not only is it interesting, I also think this should be the kind of book people should be reading in high school English class, not some boring outdated piece o crap where you have to think like an idiot and make stuff up in order to get a half decent grade on your term paper. I mean, this book is so deep and has so much relevance to the real world, it seems almost to be timeless.
current mood: hopeful
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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7:11 pm - fear. of what?
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All of a sudden I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. I want to burst into tears and escape from this world where I feel alone and scared of everything that I have to do. Things that I don't want to do and won't help me anyhow, but things that I must do due to some arbitrary rule written by some insignificant person. It would be nice if I could just escape to an alternate reality. A place where I was happy and surrounded by peaceful people. A place where I was always with the ones I love and they were always there, and loved me back. No doubt in my mind about it. Where it was warm, but not blistering hot. And the air is fresh and clean. I would cry tears of joy, because I've escaped this brutal world where all I can do is worry, or hold my irritation inward, because of the helplessness of the situation that caused it. I just want to go to sleep and stay in bed for days and days, never leaving my house. I just want to be with the one I love and know that he loves me too and know that we could be together forever. With no worries, no friction, no anxiety. I want the ones that are against me and what I want, to just be happy, to go away forever and leave me the hell alone. Stop trying to control my life and make me do things I don't want to do, things that are a waste of time anyways. Just stop it all. I don't want to spend a week away from my house, away from my love. All for nothing...I don't want to spend two weeks away from everything doing stupid things all for nothing...I don't want to spend a month away from everything that is sane and good, at a place where everything is insane and unrealistic. For what? Just to be annoying? I don't want to. I'm so done with this. I want my life back. I want to rebel. I want to take a week and barricade myself at home. I want to take the rest of my life doing something that matters to the world and to my personal beliefs, not running around like a chicken with my head cut off for something that doesn't matter in the long run...
Where oh where is this alternate universe, alternate life that I dream of? In another dimension there is a ME that is happy and content with the world. I want that. Not this.
current mood:  scared
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| Sunday, October 19th, 2008
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3:17 pm - good gawd, really?
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Why is the closest IKEA store to Colorado Springs all the way in Draper, Utah, 431 miles away? Denver anyone?? Not that I am buying any furniture right now. Just doing some exploration for post deployment purchases. It's still early though.
I did, however, run across an interesting concept: Foamiture. The foamiture looks pretty cool in the pictures and it's super light weight. The question is, does it look as cool in real life and how sturdy is it. I've read reviews online and people think it's too expensive for a block of foam.
Well, shit. Hopefully by the time a year and a half has gone by there will be an IKEA in this area. Psh...
current mood:  tired
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
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7:00 pm - remember that movie 'bandits'
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cue music
*sigh*
Well I'm sitting alone
with my guitar slightly out of tune
and it's a lovely night in June.
And I try to write a song
With a happy slo-mo melody
like I have tried so many times before
But I can't really tell you, what is wrong
All that comes out is another sad song
maybe it's because I slept too long
and nobody called me on the phone.
Maybe I should hit town, have some fun
to small-talking drink to the morning sun
maybe I should buy a brand new dress
or learn up a useful game like chess.
No I can't really tell you
what is wrong
but all that comes out is another sad song
maybe it's because I slept too long
and nobody called me at the phone.
Maybe I should hit town have some fun
to small-talking drink to the morning sun
maybe I should buy a brand new dress
or learn up a useful game like chess.
Another lonely night, turns to day
with another hair of mine, turning grey
No I can't really tell you
just what is wrong, my dear,
but still what comes out is
another sad song...
*strolls into the sunset alone*
current mood: sad
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| Sunday, September 7th, 2008
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7:39 pm - what the hell
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Well I'm sitting alone on this Sunday night not ready to go to bed yet. Can't say I had an unproductive day because I did have a very productive day. But I just wish I had some company.
Maybe I should put up those Seven Falls pics on my website like I said I would. Might as well, gives me something busy to do.
Alright. That's what I'll go do.
current mood: lonely
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