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Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010
10:17 pm - lonely brog
ah hello lonely brog again...guess I know what this means if I am typing in the blank white box of broken dreams...

current mood: resigned

(floor it)

Monday, December 14th, 2009
10:01 am - strange
It's been a while since I wrote anything on here but I feel the same as many times before when I was compelled to write. Stuck in an oasis in the middle of a war torn country beyond repair, I feel sad, but don't really feel at all. I want to curl up and cry my eyeballs out at my irrepairable loneliness and sad sad state of mind, but the tears just won't come. What happened to the days when I would barricade myself in my apartment and cry in my pillow all weekend and eat pizza? There are countless other poor souls much worse off than me. Much more tortured, physically and mentally. I always believed that it's the way one handles one's ailments that determines whether they survive. Well, I've survived this far...but I don't know how much further my mind will continue to soldier on. I can't even think of words to describe my state of mind other than just "sad." That's all there is now. I need to find a passion, that fire I used to have to drive me forward and out of here. Unfortunately, I think it was lost many months ago. I feel like just a little stuffed animal, with little expressionless button eyes and an expressionless little face and it just sits there...unable to change its state of being...*sigh*

current mood: sad

(1 zoom | floor it)

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
8:54 am - crestfallen
Can't think of the words to describe the emotional blankness I feel. Oxymoronic isn't it? If I cannot feel, how do I know that I feel blank? I just do. Those of you who have experienced it before will know. But I hope that no one has to feel the way I do. Unless they deserved it. I don't know what I did to deserve this desertion...um...maybe I was a loan shark in my past life and did bad things to people.

I just feel alone. Sunken down. Sometimes I just imagine myself melting into the sidewalk unnoticed. No one cared to notice. Want to scream and destroy things. But it won't solve anything. Feel the sand slip between the fingers with no way to stop the flow. Draining of blood away, never to be recovered. Just a stone. A sorrowful stone.

current mood: sad

(floor it)

7:21 am - um
Sad because I'm bored. Bored because I'm alone. Need to break the circle :(

Curl up and sleep it away. That's all you can do at this point.

No one to reach out to....:( So numb. Want to cry and let the tears drop in a puddle. No tears come, because they've all been cried. None left!

Just scream inside and try to feel pain. Try, because you are incapable of feeling anymore.

:(

current mood: blank

(1 zoom | floor it)

Monday, October 19th, 2009
9:27 am - yoo
I am the conqueror
I taste your scent in the wind
I set my sail but then you sink my boat
So I begin to swim
Bash my foes until I win
Lances smash across the chest
That's my quest you wonder why
I will never die
The only thing I bleed for is you

Oceans of love
I've crossed them for you
In the Matrix of your garden
I find you in bloom
Now that you found me
No one's gonna get around me

I'm coming for you
Coming for you
Coming for you (Can we get this all together)
Coming for you (Can we get this all...)

Nothing I cannot do
There is nothing I wouldn't do for you
And you put me all through the worst
I am cursed with a light that's made to burn
That's where I shine
And now you'll be mine

Oceans of love
I've crossed them for you
In the matrix of your garden
I beg your pardon
Now that I've hardened
No one's gonna get around me

I'm coming for you (Can we get this all together)
I'm coming for you (Can we get this all together)
Coming for you (Can we get this all together)
Coming for you (Can we get this all together)

I am the conqueror
Byzantine mozaic in the heat
I am cursed, through the worst
With a life that's made to burn
That's where I shine
And you, you, you, you, you
Are mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

Oceans of love
I've crossed them for you
In the Matrix of your garden
I find you in bloom
Now that I've found you
No one's gonna get around me

I'm coming for you (Can we get this all together)
I'm coming for you (Can we get this all together)
Coming for you (Can we get this all together)
Coming for you (Can we get this all together)

I am the conqueror
I am the conqueror
I, am the conqueror
I am the conqueror
I, am the conqueror
I am the conqueror
Am the conqueror

(floor it)

Sunday, September 13th, 2009
9:03 am - the last
You try to hold on the last little kernels of hope, tightly so that they don't slip through your fingers. Only, they evaporate in the harsh Afghan sun. They didn't stand a chance in the heat. Now what? I don't know. I don't have the faintest clue in the world. Just lost and aimless. I want to curl up in a miserable little ball and just fade away. Nobody would care anyways. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it will always be. But not here. Not in this forsaken land where nothing matters. I want to be surrounded by what is familiar, by the things that are supposed to bring me peace and happiness. Even if I had it all I would still be lost. In fact, in a strange sense, I do have it all except for that one elusive thing: true love, true happiness...

You have to hold on to hope to survive. And now that hope is gone I don't know if I will. I feel the pain in my head, because there is nothing left of my heart to feel pain in. It was ripped to shreds not so long ago and man, is the difference stark. I used to feel the dull pain of my heart being twisted and stabbed. Now I feel nothing there. Not even a twinge or a skip. So numb.

I held on to hope for a bit...In fact I held on to it with all my might even though it probably didn't seem like it. I wanted it to be different this time. But alas, that was silliness. I should have known better. I don't have the solution to the curse. I don't have the elements to break the spell. I don't even know what I ever did to have such bad luck wrought upon me. Maybe I was an evil thing in my past life. Well in that case I wish I could be an evil thing again, so that I may not be tortured so...

current mood: sad

(1 zoom | floor it)

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
10:06 am
Done with life. Done feeling like I'm not good enough and not important enough. I have it all except for one thing and I have tried and tried and it just seems that I am cursed to live out the rest of my life in solitary. I don't know what I did to get this curse and contrary to the fairy tales, nobody ever told me what I have to do to break the curse. So I am done fighting. If I just go with the flow maybe my fortunes will turn. There really is no chance, but hope is what keeps us afloat. There is nothing for me to go back to, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go back because I really really do. It would just help a lot if I had something, someone. I know what it's going to be like that first night back. I'll curl up in my barren, cold, lonely room and cry. That's it. And when I can't cry any more I'll sleep. I'll cry myself to sleep.

I'm done competing with whatever it is that's against me and my quest for true happiness. I give up.

It's all I ever wanted. Someone to share my life and my love with. Someone that was as devoted to me as I would be to him. I guess that creature is more elusive than I ever have imagined. Many times I thought I came close. Every time it crashed to the ground. Taking chunks and chunks of my heart with it. And now there isn't anymore of my heart left to take. A sad state of being, but more and more I find myself coming to terms with that fact. I can't feel anymore. I'm just numb and the emptiness where one's heart should be, I just have a gaping void that I long to fill again. But I know that's a tall order and there's no end to the struggle. So I'm going to stop struggling, stop fighting. Fuck it all.

current mood: sad

(1 zoom | floor it)

Thursday, August 6th, 2009
9:16 am - move
The mistakes that we make in life are there to teach us how to move on and improve the future. That doesn't mean that we're not allowed to feel sorrow and mourn what we have lost. I asked the Lord, God to guide me in confusing times and He has and now all there is to do it wait with faith. And that's what I'm going to try to do, I have to remind myself that my faith is the best thing there is in times like these because I know in the end all this has happened in order to propel me to a better place in life.

Armor for Sleep - Raindrops. Listen to the melody of the music. It touches me deep in the heart.

current mood: sad

(floor it)

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
8:56 am - how I feel
Motorcycle Drive By - by Third Eye Blind

Summertime and the wind is blowing outside in lower Chelsea
And I don't know what I'm doing in this city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the windows and I'm sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew that I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning, like there's always been
I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes and you don't mind
You smile and say, the world, it doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you, you're so serene
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt
You're guiltless and free, I hope you take a piece of me with you
And there's things I would like to do that you don't believe in
I would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen
And there's this burning, like there's always been
I've never been so alone, and I've
I've never been so alive

And there's this burning
There is this burning
Where's the soul, I want to know
New York City is evil, the surface is everything
But I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is the last time we'll be friends again
And I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am
And there's this burning, just like there's always been
I've never been so alone, alone, and I've, and I've
I've never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast, it starts to rain
I paddle out on the water, alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me home
And I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive

current mood: conflicted

(floor it)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
9:24 am - one
Back to square one. This vicious circle. I'm just sad. Yeah, just sad. To the point where there is not passion anymore, no nothing. Just an empty space where my heart used to be. Forced back together so many times in order to have hope, only to be destroyed mercilessly. I've already seen the day when I woke up with no feeling. Emotions just left me. There's none left. Only sadness and blank emptiness. No one mourns for my loss. It's not theirs to suffer. Many times I think that I am cursed. But in these cursed times, I try so hard to have faith, because that's all I have. In my mind, in my heart, my heart that isn't mine anymore, a heart that I don't have anymore. I gave it to the one I thought would cherish it, wish he would, but he wasn't mine to have and he didn't care enough to give it back. Instead he kept it to toy with it. Why? Who knows...to give him pleasure in my pain? Maybe. He knows I am broken. About him and no one else...who will save me...no one.

current mood: sad

(floor it)

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
9:51 am - speculate?
You meet the most interesting people in the most interesting places. Some people come and go, some people are forever. How do you know which ones are which.

How do I know that when I have finally learned to distrust, I may run into the one that I can finally trust?

Life takes some strange turns, and it turns often. You just have to turn with it, I suppose. I guess I'll just have to learn to stop fighting the natural progression of things and just let them be. Have faith. Yeah, I'll take my own advice and have faith in Him. And maybe him as well...

current mood: conflicted

(floor it)

Sunday, June 21st, 2009
8:47 am - now?
Just so sad. Far away from home and hopelessly heartbroken. I don't even know where to look to save myself. It's time I gave up on it all and give in to the daily grind and expect nothing more. Because there is nothing more. How did I ever acquire this curse? Sad, that's all I can think of to describe my state of mind right now. Faster and faster I feel my ability to feel slip away. Soon I'll wake up emotionally numb. Then I'll know it's the end.

current mood: sad

(floor it)

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
9:36 pm - muh
All alone. I just want to curl up and never come out of my bed again. Because there's nothing out there and nothing to come back to. Why?

current mood: sad

(floor it)

Friday, May 22nd, 2009
10:18 pm - tears
I'm so upset. I really don't want to spend my last weekend in the States crying myself to sleep every night. I also have strep throat. This sucks.

current mood: crushed

(3 zooms | floor it)

Sunday, May 17th, 2009
1:34 am - overanalyze?
I overanalyze the situation most likely. It's nothing, I just need the voice of reason to assure me so.

But he does make me cry a lot. Not tonight, but many other nights. He doesn't mean to and doesn't know that he does. But he does.

I don't know if what he said the other night was truth or fiction. I would like to think it's truth. That he cares and respects me enough for it to be truth. As all that I have said to him is nothing but the truth, even if all that I wanted to say to him has not been revealed yet because I don't have the courage and because I fear it will send him away.

Only time will tell, I suppose. I feel like I am running out of time. I feel as if he doesn't accept me in the long run, then I may never get over him and that I may never accept anyone else but him. He's captured my heart in a way that's never happened before, not even with the other two...I just have to let fate take the reigns. The unknown future is scary, but I have no choice.

current mood: conflicted

(floor it)

Friday, May 15th, 2009
7:07 pm - another world
I wish every day was like last night. He held my hand everywhere we went and he kissed me like he meant it. He told me there was no one else. And he held me close all night. I smiled. He took care of me.

If only he would let me love him. I would. Truly.

He hurts me so...but I can't let go. He's my drug that I'm addicted to.

I get so sad sometimes and I want to cry, but the tears don't come. Ever since the day I thought I lost him forever, this is the way it has been. That day I cried until there was nothing left, and nothing ever did change because of it. And now the ability to show such emotion has been lost. I just scream inside and want to die.

If only it was every day that he loved me like last night...

current mood: sad

(floor it)

Monday, May 11th, 2009
6:54 pm - hope
He even lined up my shoes for me. It was a cute gesture.

Then it went downhill. Alcohol does that, I suppose. But knowing that, it didn't keep me from taking it too seriously and perpetuating the ridiculousness of the situation.

In the end, one has to take initiative, and maybe even take the hit, take a risk. It may or may not pay off. You just have to jump in with both feet and see what happens.

current mood: giddy

(floor it)

Thursday, April 30th, 2009
7:52 pm - pontiac
Everyone has undoubtedly heard the news that General Motors in discontinuing the Pontiac brand. It is planned to be phased out no later than next year.

My question is, why Pontiac?! Out of all the GM brands, I think Pontiac has the most solid line up of cars, and this line up is one that attracts young buyers, you know, the single people like me with money to spend on stuff like that because we don't have kids to support. The more I think about it, the more it perplexes me that Pontiac was set on the guillotine, while crusty old brand Buick stays. Who the hell buys a Buick anymore? The old fart who should realistically have their driver's licence taken away?? Yeah that'll last a real long time. There isn't even time for customer loyalty in that sector because those drivers will either die before their car wears out or end up driving it into a pole and killing themselves!! If neither of those happens, congratulations, but old people tend to stick to one car, they don't tire of their cars and desire the next hot model.

Come on, GM!! With the addition of the G8 to the line up in recent model years, more young people with staying power, and multiple car purchasing power are getting turned on to Pontiac. The G8 is by far the best bang for the buck sports sedan on the market right now, and it looks great too. In the hands of a competent driver I'm willing to bet it'll smoke the eyeballs out of a BMW 3 series, mostly which are driven by over privileged rich boys or blond bimbos with sugar daddies. Pontiac means fast cars. Pontiac means exciting cars. Pontiac means cars that people will stare at when I roll by. OK, so the Cadillac CTS-V is a pretty damn fast car. People actually race that thing. But seriously, since when does Cadillac scream BAD ASS? When you pull up behind that ricer you want the mere image of you in his rear view mirror to make the punk kid in the driver's seat shake in fear. Additionally, the CTS-V is seriously a niche market kind of thing. It's a subtle defender of style and speed. First of all, you've gotta have the dough to throw down. Second, you've gotta be pretty hard core with your fast cars to even know it exists.

It took GM long enough to even bring the Australian supercar known as the Holden Commodore to this continent as the Pontiac G8 and now they're going to axe the whole brand?! Whoever came up with this idea needs to be bitch slapped! I say to GM right now, chop Buick instead and keep Pontiac if you want to live.

current mood: aggravated

(floor it)

Friday, April 24th, 2009
7:07 pm - cops
I was bored last night so I developed an interest in reading cop blogs. They're fun and interesting. Here are some nice ones:

Cop N' Attitude
Rivers In Blue
Pepper Spray Me
Officer Smith
Motor Cop
Press Hard, 3 Copies

current mood: bored

(floor it)

Monday, April 20th, 2009
8:55 pm - nissan altima

NYPD rolling out Nissan Altima hybrid patrol cars


The NYPD is unleashing a fleet of 40 brand-new Nissan Altima hybrid vehicles in the next two weeks to be used as official NYPD patrol cars. The Nissan Altima hybrids have the capability to go up to 40mph before a single drop of gas is used. And compared to the measly 16mpg of the current fleet of Ford Crown Victoria’s, the Nissan Altima hybrids will be able to go up to 32mpg in the city, a fairly significant jump in fuel savings which will ultimately help the city save a few dollars.

Of course, the hybrid vehicles won’t go nearly as fast (113mph top speed compared to 165mph top speed of Dodge Charger), but then again, when are NYPD vehicles ever going anywhere near top speed anyway? I think 113mph is pretty fast already and with NYC streets as narrow as they are, I doubt any criminal being chased is going to top that without something terrible happening. [duh?]

current mood: amused

(floor it)


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