|
|
Monday, November 10th, 2003
| |
8:05 pm - I wanna be MacGuyver!
|
WHY!? because MacGuyver is fuckin' awesome. He can build an entire mall out of toothpicks! or make an indestructable car made of styrofoam! OR stop a bank robbery using the moons gravitational pull. How cool would that be? I think it would be way cool...yeah im a loser I know :-p. I also watch Dr. Phil, which according to some of you people, also make a me a loser. Well screw you dammit. I like to watch Dr. Phil because I find it interesting. Besides, there's a lot of funny people on that show.
Lets see...what did I do today. Not much really. I worked on my damn short story all day, finally finished it. I was supposed to go to the movies with a friend, but she got sick :-( I was disappointed cause I was really lookin' forward to it, but it's ok cause I know it's not her fault and I just hope she gets better as soon as possible :-) If you're reading this (you know who you are) don't feel bad! cause it's ok! :-D Anyways....
I had my birthday party yesterday. It was a lot of fun. Of course, I spent half the party talking to my friends on my cell because they couldn't find the church which I have no idea why because I gave them the best damn directions in the world! Oh well...at least they got there and that makes me happy. I got lots of cool gifts yesterday. I got Kingdom Hearts and F-Zero GX. I also got the Matrix Revolutions soundtrack and a box of condoms. Boy...my friends sure are practical jokers ain't they? hahaha. My friend Mikey gave me a stuffed elepahnt (inside joke) and a jar of vaseline. I also got a Marvelous 3 CD with my favorite song on it. I love the Marvelous 3! I got a bunch of money and some more stuff. It was truly a great time. Then afterwards, we all played volleyball where the guys kicked the girls ass.
I must say, I've been feeling a lot better about a lot of things. The relationship thing still really bothers me, but im workin' on it. I should find out by this week if im accepted to the Art Insitute of Atlanta or not, Im sure I will be. I hope so cause I love that school. It's got everything I could want. Another big thing this week is that I am getting my LICENSE! HOORAY FOR ME! I can't wait. Then I can drive people around and stuff and since I just turned 18 I can now get out and look for a job that I want to get. A lot of the places i've checked I have to be 18. Yes, Im fully aware that there are other jobs, im just not really interested. NOT THAT IM PICKY, I just want to make sure I do get a job that im gonna like, not a dream job of course, but something that im gonna be like "YES! I WANNA GO TO THIS JOB!" not that "Man I hate my job...I wanna quit..I wanna get the ebola virus so I can call in sick..." like a lot of my friends are doing lately.
Today has actually been a good day. This is the first day in a long time that i've really been in high spirits. I must say that i've almost forgotten what it feels like! Kinda sad isn't it? You know what else is sad? I feel like something should be going on. Like drama and such ya know? It's like I went through four months of drama then it just suddenly stopped and im like "Whoa...that's weird" ya know? It's just weird. I've got lots of great and interesting things happening right now in my life like I stated earlier, so that may have a reason for my high spirits. Whatever it is, I sure hope it stays a while! Anyways, im done for now. Perhaps i'll post more later!
EDIT: I GOT THE COOLEST GIFT FROM MY FRINED BRINKLEY! IT WAS THE FIRST TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES MOVIE LIKE EVER! IT WAS SO AWESOME!. BEST MOVIE EVAR!
current mood: IM FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
| |
10:24 pm - Oh what to post about?
|
Well...I have had quite the weekend...it being long and all. Lets see...what did I do. I guess I should start with Saturday. Saturday was pretty cool. I didn't do much except that night I went out with Mikey to a chinese restaurant. HAha that was some good fun. We made so many jokes and laughed. I swear I don't think i've ever laughed so hard in my life. We went to target before that and walked around carrying two box of magnums and some KY Jelly. We got some pretty strange looks from some people, but I had fun nonetheless. Made me forget about my problems for a while even if it was only for an hour and a half. Then there was sunday, which was as you know, was my birthday. I went to the mall with Mikey, Ryan, and some other people. We had some fun there too. Nothing real funny happened there though. Then of course, monday I went to take that test. I kicked that tests ass. It was so damn easy. I got like uber high scores on every section. Then that night I went and saw Freddy Vs. Jason with some friends. I had a great time actually. The movie was kinda cheesy, but I thought it was funny nonetheless. Then I came home. Yesterday was by far the greatest though. Mikey, Ryan, and ME and Corvelle went to this place called "The ARena" that was a place where you could go to play computer games. Fun times. It was afterwards that we had the most fun though. If you care to know what it is, providing you don't already know, ask me.
Ya know...I was talking to my friend Spazz last night and I dunno if he was on crack or what, but anyways...he Im's me outta the blue and starts rambling off about how I have such low-self esteem and that I should have a girlfriend because there's just so many girls that like me. So then I looked at him like O_O What the hell are you talking about? Cause just about every girl that I thought i'd have a shot with or would be an option, i've asked on a date and i've gotten rejected, so i'd love to know where these girls are hiding so I can find them. I keep telling people that I do try, cause I do...but for some reason I guess my word isn't good enough for those people. I feel like im not good enough for anyone lately. I dunno why. I just feel like a dork cause I cant get a girlfriend or something. I mean I know there are a lot of people that don't always have girlsfriends. I understand that. It's just...it's different with me. I dunno why. It just is. Just about all my friends have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or they're working on someone, but I don't even have anyone im working on. I guess im not good enough to have anyone. Most people are like "relationships aren't a big deal" and I know that, but it's getting the experience that I want. I seriously feel like such a dork and a loser because I have all my friends talk about how they've kissed a girl or the crap that they've done and all I can do is just sit there and wonder what it's like. THe most i've ever done with a girls is hold hands. I don't even tell people that cause then they're like "THATS IT!? THAT'S ALL YOU'VE DONE!? HOLY SHIT!" and let me tell ya...that makes me feel so much better...Anyways..I know I seem to complain a lot lately...and if you don't wanna read it, you certainly don't have to. I don't expect many people to read this. I just have this beacuse it actually helps me with my frustrations. Anyways...im out. Later.
current mood:  gloomy
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
| |
12:13 am - I just like this song...
|
"Get Over" - Marvelous 3
Molly went off on a new vacation, said she
Got tired of the radio station that was playing that
Song that her boyfriend wrote, all he did was
Change up a couple of notes. it was supposed
To mean one thing, but it became another,
The next thing you know you’re a brand new mother
Of a bad hangover, hanging over the bed, the cats
Take turns tryin’ to fuck with your head. all I know
Is this ain’t how it’s supposed to be now, all I know
Is this might leave a mark.
Chorus:
Cause you should never get over me, cause I will
Never get over you, and if I ever get over the fact
That you’re gone then I’ll remember to forget about you.
Tuesday comes and you take out the trash, and
You’re sweatin’ so hard that you got a big rash cause you
Know she fell harder for the beef cake guys, the money for
The drugs and the big fat lies, but hey relax she gotta come
Back, it ain’t so good on that side of the tracks where the
Lonley hearts band plays everynight, where they’re rocking in the morning
’til the broad daylight. all I know, is this ain’t how it’s supposed to
Be now, all I know is this might leave a mark.
Chorus:
Cause you should never get over me, cause I will
Never get over you, and if I ever get over the fact
That you’re gone then I’ll remember to forget about you.
(my watch is going, the hands keep on slowing)
(every hour, my drink gets so sour, so feel the pain and fill it
To the top)
Repeat chorus.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
| |
11:22 pm - Ho Hum...
|
Well, today has been good for the most part. Im officially 18 of course...good stuff. Yes! I have finally reached that golden age where I am legally held responsible for everything I do, I have to register for that lovely little thing we call the draft. I can now legally buy porn, cigs and lotto tickets WOO!. Now the next big hurdle is 21! JOY! Not that I really care about anything of those things...
Anyways, that's not the real reason im posting. Im posting because I just wanted to get something off of my mind. You know...it just really sucks. It really sucks how I pour my heart out to a girl and she's like "oh that's really nice, but I stll don't like you" NOTE: IM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. THIS HAS HAPPENED ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT OCCASIONS. So then..I have to painfully move on to the next huge disappointment in my life. It's the same shit. It's like a goddamn broken record that just plays over and over and over again...never stopping ever. I hate it. For once, I wish a girl would come to me and just pour her feelings out to me. That'd be really nice. For once I wish I could find someone that actually cared about how I felt. I feel like it doesn't matter what I feel cause nothing happens when I tell people. It really sucks. I feel like this is just going to keep happening for the rest of my life. I give up. I quit. No more. I can't take it anymore. All i've ever wanted was for someone to like me. Someone who was normal, not some psycho chick that feels she's got to call me at least seven times a day every five minutes just to validate herself and make her feel like she's worth something...no im not talking about stalkers. I mean someone who truly does like me. Someone who likes me for what I am, and who I am. But no, that's just too much to ask. Im tired of finding a girl and tricking myself into thinkign that something will come of it. The hell it will. Nothing good ever comes of it. EVER. Im tired of having my hopes up, then having them brutally crushed and all because no wants to "ruin the friendship" Take some risks dammit. You're not gonna gain a damn thing in life if you're not willing to take any risks. Life ain't fun if you go through life "well...I better not cause what IF this happens" That's not the way to do it. You should be like "hey..something could happen with this, but what the hell! Lets try it!" No one thinks like that anymore. They're all like "BUT WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT BAD!?" well so what? Things can still be salvaged...it's up to the two people for it to work. Shit happens...you live with it and move on. Please also note, that im not talking about any specific person either. Like I stated earlier, this has happened to me ever since the 8th grade, it's just it's now that's it really starting to bother me. Anyways, im goin' to bed. I gotta take that test in the morning. GOod night.
current mood:  cold
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, November 1st, 2003
| |
11:11 pm - UPDATE! WOO!
|
Well, a week's gone by just about. Not much has happened in the past week like all the other weeks. I got into a bit of an argument with my friend, but we got things worked out. Other than that, not much else has happened. It's been a rather normal week for once. Do you know how weird that feels after having been through so much shit in the past like three months ? Pretty damn weird it does! it's been rather nice to sit back and relax. Im slowly getting over my depression. I went out with my friend mikey tonight and we ate at a chinese restaurant. I swear I don't think i've made so many jokes and laughed so much in my entire life. I was truly happy tonight. Im glad I got to get away from all my worries, even if it was just for an hour and a half. It was something that was sorely needed.
I have a four day weekend this weekend! WOO! I went and played Mage with my friend Sean and some other people today. I have a really cool character. He's a Shao-Lin Master. One of the people's character's there tried to attack him and I was like "BITCH!" *punch to sternum* and he was like "OH NO! MY WIND HAS GONE OUT OF MY DIAPHRAGMS!" It was rather amusing...at least to me. Im not goin' to school on Monday, also because I have to take a test to get into the college I wanna go to. I hope I do good so I can go there. That'd make me feel so much better, plus that's one less thing I have to worry about. Next big thing I have to concentrate on is getting my license. I can't wait for that. But I must practice! Im slowly getting better. HEY IN LIKE AN HOUR I TURN 18! HOO-FUCKING-RAH for me! I can then legally buy porn and cigarettes! hahahah! Not that I would of course...
Well, as of right now im in a pretty good mood. I've not really been worried about much. I've been trying to push it all from my mind. Im tryin' not to worry about college, or my license, or not having a girlfriend, even though that's a bit hard cause I do have all these people that're like "HEY LOOK AT ME! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND YOU DON'T!" and im like "You're pretty fuckin' stupid! GO AWAY" I mean im happy for all those people, I really am, but you don't have to rub it in peoples faces when you get a girlfriend, nor should you make your girlfriend the entire center of your world. That isn't a healthy thing to do either, but some people do and i'll never understand why. I know im not going to be like that when/if I get a girlfriend. You start to lose all your friends and everything around you when you put your girlfriend/boyfriend ahead of everyone else. Anyways, im just rambling, so later.
current mood:  calm
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
| |
10:58 pm - An interesting weekend to say the most...least...whatever...
|
Yep. It sure was. Where to start? Well Friday, I spent sometime with my friend keith. We just hung out at his house and talked. Then yesterday I went down to the Art Institute of Atlanta to drop off my application. I'm very excited. I sure hope I get accepted! I went and saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre last night. That movie was "hardcore" as my friend Brinkley put it, but it wasn't as scary as a lot of people made it out to be. There were some parts that I found to be rather humorous. Like when Leatherface was chasing after Jessica Biel, and she crawls under a barb wire fence and he saws it in half after she crawls under it, then he trips and cuts his leg with the chainsaw. I screamed out "How Ironic is that!?" in the theater and everyone clapped and laughed. 'twas much fun. Then tonight, I went to the movies again to see Scary Movie 3. That was one fuckin' hilarious movie people. If you want a laugh go see that.
I tell ya, it really sucks when I like someone. Why is it I can't ever find someone? I know that most of you are saaying "oh what's the big fuckin' deal? Who gives a damn?" Well I do. I dunno why, I just do. I have this one friend whom I really really like (not like obsessive stalking type like) but you know she's fun to be around and she always makes me feel better even when im in a bad mood. She's got so many good qualities about her that they're just too numerous to list in this entry. I mean she's seriously everything I could ask for in a girl and more. I've also told her how I felt and what I think about her. I've shown her that i've cared and i've done everything I can, and I know she appreciates it, and that's it. She tells me everything she wants in a boyfriend and a relationship and I am and can do all those things, but for some reason, she just doesn't see it, or something. I dunno what it is. I mean i'd really give anything I could to be with this person just because I enjoy her company. But I guess i'll just have to settle for being friends, which is fine cause i'd rather have that than nothing at all. I dunno what to think or feel. Im not mad at this person or anything although there are people that think I should be. That's all I can think of to say right now, im goin' to bed. Good night people.
current mood:  blah
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
| |
10:44 pm - today was a fuckin' weird day.
|
Today was weird at school. We had to sit through an asssembly. The first part was a guy from Balfour (peoples who handle graduation stuff) and talked to us about graduation announcements. That was ok. Then we had breaksfast from Chick-Fil-A WOO! Chiken and Biscuits rock! then we had two nurses come talk to us about Bacterial Meningitis. Let me tell you, that was just interesteing. It went something like this....IF YOU DONT GET VACCINATED FOR THIS DISEASE, WHICH BY THE WAY IS REQUIRED BY THE STATE, THEN YOU WILL HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO YOU *gross picture #1* OR THIS! *gross picture #2* OR EVEN THIS! *picture of a grave* I hate how the school tries to instill the fear of God in us to make us not do something or make us do something you know. It's so stupid. They're like "If we don't do that, then you won't take us seriously" now I don't know about you, but I don't feel like dying. You see, I have a habit called LIVING that i'd like to keep up for the next fifty or sixty years at least. They do the same thing with STD's in health too. They're like WOW LOOK AT THIS GUYS DICK! ITS GOT HERPES! WOW DOESN'T THAT JUST TURN YOU ON CHILDREN!? MMM!! *cue kid in the back of the classroom throwing up* NOT TO MENTION THESE LOVELY PICTURES OF AIDS AND SYPHILIS AND CRABS! YAY! I hate it so much. Even if you show someone that if they want to have sex or whatever, they're gonna have sex regardless. Anyways, that's enough about that.
I dunno what it is lately, but i've been in a really weird mood. I dunno how I got there, and I wish I could get out of it. Lately i've just not really cared about much or many people except for a few. I've gotten to where I just don't want to put up with anything anymore, I just want it all to go away. I feel like im getting to the point to where im annoying my friends and I dunno why I feel that way. It just seems like I say the same shit everyday or something. I don't get it. Im trying not to , but I feel that some people are getting annoyed. I could be wrong I guess, but I dunno. *sighs* I just wish I could figure out all this shit that's been bothering me. There seems to be nothing I can do at the moment. I've never felt this way before. Why is it that this year is different? Why is it that all these things are suddenly bothering me now? They've never bothered me before. I wish I could figure it out. I just feel like I want to quit trying at everything I do because I start thinking "what's it matter? It won't matter later to anyone else" I dunno why i've been in that mind set, but I have, and I dunno how to get out of it. Anyways, that's about it for now, you all are probably tired of hearin' me bitch half the time anyways.
current mood:  confused
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, October 16th, 2003
| |
11:10 pm - Well it's been a while...
|
It's been a while since i've updated in my journal, so now's a good time as any I suppose. Meh...things have seemed to settle down quite a bit as of late, which is good, but i've still been rather down about some things. It's kinda funny how some things work. When I first started high school, I had a group of friends that I was totally comfortable with, but then they started making fun of me and stabbing me in the back. I hate it when my friends do that. So, I decided that it was about that time to find some new friends. So...this was around my sophomore year, so as luck would have it, I actually made lots of new friends that year so I said to hell with my old ones and began anew with some other friends that I thought would be good for me...or so I thought. Well, it's finally come back around in full circle and now my "new" group of friends has become my "old" group of friends. So now, I am on a quest to find more friends because through all this, I realized something. When you're around your friends, you should feel nothing but love ya know? not that kinda love for those of you who're like "WHOA THIS GUY IS FREAKIN' WEIRD" but you know what kind of love I mean. If you got friends that make you feel anything other than that, then they're not worth hanging out with. You don't need them. there are millions of other people out there that would probably make better friends than those people, and this is what i've come to realize. I mean, in all honestly, sitting here right now thinking about all my friends, I can seriously only think of four of them out of all the ones that I hang out with, that haven't hurt me yet (unintentional or intentional). And you know what? this makes me extremely sad. I mean i've been hurt my some of my friends that i'd have never dreamed in a million years would do that to me. I've forgiven them, but still it sucks ya know? So now, I'm left with no choice but to try and find some new people to hang out with. I hate it, because I still do care about a lot of my friends now, I just don't want to be around some of them because of the way they hurt me. I've got friends that treat me like shit, friends that act so damn cocky and I feel that they use me (For what, I don't know. I don't have anything valuable or anything good that I could be used for) and it just sucks. Im tired of being treated the same way over and over again. I've brought this to their attention (some of them) and yet they still keep doing it. I don't know why. They have no reason to do what they do to me. I don't get it. Im as nice as I can be, i've always been there for my friends whenever they've needed it, night and day, 24/7, 365 days per year, and yes im still treated this way. Now some of you reading this may be thinking "I wonder if he's talking about me." Well, think about it. Have you done anything to personally hurt me? (Intentional or Unintentional mind you) and just think about it. It doesn't matter to me because if you have, i've more than likely already forgiven you for it, so don't worry about it. You know me, probably no matter what happens im probably gonna stick around no matter how many times you walk all over me, or say mean things to me because im just that stupid. Anyways, this is gettin' to be rather lengthy so im'a head off to bed now. Good night.
current mood:  sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 12th, 2003
| |
11:28 pm - Busy weekend!
|
Well this weekend was pretty good. Friday was fun. It was my school's homecoming this week so we had a parade and everything. Friday was the parade. I was in it. I was on the German Club float. THE NAZIS KICKED THE JAPANESE'S ASS! HAHA. Anyways...then after the parade I went to the game, which was rather fun. I got to see quite a few friends there, we all socialized, but our team lost 40 - 10. Our team really sucks this year. They're the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! HAHAHA. Then saturday was the dance. I had some great fun. I danced with quite a few people, I danced with my friends kirsten, beth, and ashlea. I ROCK. YOU LOSE. GO AWAY. Then today I ddin't do jack. I just sat around and played kingdom hearts and got really far. ALMOST BEAT THE GAME YAY! and I need to so I can get the next two when they come out. Now, I am going to go to bed because I am tired and it's getting late. Crap I just remembered I gotta a paper to do for my lit. class. WOO NOTHING BAD IN THIS ENTRY! THAT'S A FIRST. ACtually, I got crap I could say, but it's stuff that i'd rather not post.
current mood:  enthralled
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, October 9th, 2003
| |
11:00 pm - Random Ranting
|
You know what? I feel like ranting tonight. So im going to WOO! You know what I hate? I hate my math class. You know why? because there's too many fucking stupid people in that class. Now, I know there are some people in there that truly do their work and still don't get it, and those people, I am not talking about. But there are people in this class that truly just need to remove themselves from society. If they continue to live, the only thing they'll be contributing to society will be being used as human shields if we ever have to go to war. Please just do the world a fucking favor and remove yourself from society. I mean there are several ways you could do this. For one you could just walk out into on coming traffic. That's the quickest way to do it. Or maybe you could take your favorite CD, break it in half, then slit your wrists with it. And remember, it's down the road, not across the street you idiots. I swear, everytime I walk into that damn classroom my IQ drops to that of a sponge, hell the sponge is smarter. I hate having to eek my way through that class wasting one hour of my life that i'll never ever have back. I just want to snap and take a desk and beat the crap out a lot of people in that class. Im serious it's times like this that make me wish guns weren't outlawed in school.
You know who else pissed me off? THAT DAMN VALVE HACKER! HE'S A FUCKING IDIOT! LOOK AT THAT http://www.halflife.org read the top entry. THIS GUY IS SO STUPID! WHO THE HELL HACKS VALVE ONE OF THE MOST LUCRATIVE GAME DESIGNERS OF ONE OF THE MOST ANTICIPATED GAMES OF 2004 AND GOES "LOOK AT WHAT THE FUCK I STOLE FROM VALVE! AND YOU KNOW WHY I DID IT!? BECAUSE I HATED THE DEMO!" I hope they catch that bastard. Im going to laugh so fucking hard when they do. He's probably some poor pathetic bastard living in his parents basement downloading naked pictures of Sarah Michelle Geller and Britney Spears. I can't wait till he gets caught, because there's gonna be a line out the fuckin' door to kick this guy's ass. Does he think he's doing everyone a fucking favor by hacking Valve? HE'S NOT! It's just going to make them delay the game even more, thus we're all going to have to wait for a game that's already been delayed once, not to mention all the money they're going to have to put into this now. I mean this affects more than just valve, but I guess this idiot can't fucking see that. but he's probably like "WELL I HACKED THEM SO IM JUST GONNA RELEASE IT NOW BECAUSE IM A FUCKING BASTARD AND CAN'T FUCKING WAIT AND I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN BECAUSE WHEN I WAS BORN MY FUCKING BALLS FORGOT TO FUCKING DROP!" I Wish this kid would be sitting at his computer one day probably jacking off to his comic book porn and get struck my lightning, or better yet, I hope he gets fucking paper cuts on his balls. Its bastards like him that ruin the damn gaming industry and cause people to lose money. It's also people like him and like the people in my math class that make me wish I had a fucking smart stick. Hell one ain't gonna do it. Im gonna need a whole fucking box of sticks because these people are so fucking stupid that when I touch them with the smart stick, they're IQ will probably go from RETARD to just plaing FUCKING DUMB. It's times like this that makes me wish I could ressurect Hitler, only instead of persecuting the jews, he'd persecute the stupid people. Yes, that would be great. Anyways, that's my rant...and just know that im not in a great mood...
current mood:  irate
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
| |
11:16 pm - And so on and so forth...
|
It's been a few days since i've last posted and quite a bit has happened since then. I've been real depressed lately has I said in my last post and last night it only got worse because I had someone come to me yesterday and bitch at me for something that this person had no business doing. She wasn't there so she doesn't know what happened. So finally, I just snapped. I yelled at her, then left. People were very shocked I suppose. Oh well. I don't care. I kept warning you people that i'd finally snap and well that was a small part of it. I guess most of you will now take me more seriously from now on. I was seriously so upset last night that I just finally broke down. I swear, i've never felt that way before, it really sucked. Im glad I had some friends their to help me through it, or I dunno what'd i'd have done. So today was much better actually, due mostly the the fact that I didn't see anyone today. I liked it better that way. I didn't have to deal with anyone's shit for just one day. It was actually very normal and stress free for once. I think i've decided that there are some people that im just going to stay away from for the time being so that I do not act like I did yesterday, again. I do not like acting like that, but sometimes it's the only way to get people to take me seriously, as I told one of my other friends yesterday.
I hate that i've been having to go through this whole thing. It really sucks. I feel like im all alone in it. I feel like no one can possibly understand how I feel, no matter what they say, because the person that's causing me this pain, no one knows him like I know him. I just feel like everyone around me feels that im just being stupid and selfish about this whole thing. I dunno why it feels that way, it just does. So right now, at this moment, im going to stay away from this particular person. I've done everything I think that I can do to try and fix it, wether everyone thinks I have or not. I'd just like to tell everyone though, that I don't want them to think that im being stupid, or that im being an asshole, or that im selfish because I have my reasons for acting the way that I am right now. So just please don't try to press the matter. Im still feeling kinda down, but for other reasons at the moment other than what's currently going on. perhaps i'll post more about them later.
But you know one thing that I just don't get? I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about this whole ordeal and she says to me that "it takes two people to have a conflict." I don't agree with that statement. Now I know some of you are saying that it's true, but here is why I think that it's not. First off, when this person says things to me that I don't like, say...when he insults me, I can either A. walk away or B. stick up for myself and tell him to fuck off. Well, for the most part of this friendship I chose A, which is what I thought was the better thing to do, but according to everyone else that i've talked to, that's considered taking his crap, and according to those same people, I need to stick up for myself for, but you know what happens when I stick up for myself? Then me and this other person get into arguments. So thus, how do I avoid an argument? Lord know i've done all I can to avoid arguments with him, they're practically almost unavoidable now. So you see, that's why I think that statement is complete and utter crap. Granted two people must be involved to argue, but im tired of taking crap. So if arguing is something that ensues because I stick up for myself, then so be it.
current mood: sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 5th, 2003
| |
10:21 pm - Today was a blah day...
|
hrm...today was boring. Didn't do much. I worked out though. I increased my weight! WOO! FOR ME! so that was cool. Right now im just blah...I dunno why. I just got into that mood. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately as you all know of course. I know it seems like I say the same thing over and over again but hrm...don't read it if you think that then, that's all I can say. Man...I dunno what's bothering me. Lots of things. I just have an empty feeling inside, I dunno what im missing. I wish I could figure all this out. Just when I finally think I do, then something else comes up and screws everything else up. I know it sounds like I complain alot but like I said, if you think that then don't read it. This weekend has just been totally weird. I've been in the weirdest mood all weekend and I don't know why. There's something there that I can't quite figure out, but it's there. I know it is. I know I say I don't care about a lot of things. but the truth is, I do. I care about a lot. I try to act like nothing bothers me, not so I can look like im strong, but I don't like to show those types of things to people. I dunno why, I just don't. I guess probably because I feel like they can use it against me. I swear this weekend has just been, I dunno. I feel like I don't know who my true friends are anymore. I've had so much shit to deal with in the past two months that I don't know how much more I can take before I just lose it. I've never been this down before. Im so far down I don't even know if I can get back up. I just look all around me and see all these things and it makes me so depressed. I can't take it anymore. no im not going to do anything stupid, those of you who know me know im not like that. Im just letting you all know who read this that im at my limit. OF course some of you are thinking "well what could be wrong? Nothing has gone wrong!" Well maybe nothing has gone entirely wrong this weekend, but im a pretty quiet person and I occasionally stick up for myself, but i've taken more than my fair share of crap. So a warning to all of you Im going to be more vocal in the things I do. If I don't like something you're doing to me, you're going to here about it. What? you don't like that? too fuckin' bad. You can get over it. You're gonna fuckin' here about it till the fuckin' cows come home and you're gonna like it and sit there and take it like the bitch that you are. Harsh words? yes...quite harsh. But it seems to me that it's the only way im ever going to get any of this to stop. Im sick and tired of being put through such emotional anguish that I don't know what to do anymore. Feel free to leave any comments if there's anyone left at this point that's still reading it.
current mood:  aggravated
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
| |
11:26 pm - BLAH....
|
Well today was an ok day. Same shit different day pretty much. I hung out with George and DAnny tonight. We went to the mall and I met my friend Ashlea there. Twas fun hangin' out. She got hit on at this cell phone guy at the mall, but it was pretty bad, yet it was rather humerous to watch. He thought that me and Ashlea were going out. Twas rather amusing like I said. Blah I was havin' an ok day, but lately i've just been, I dunno...different. I've not been myself. There've been things that've seriously been getting to me lately that haven't really been getting to me before and I don't know why. I wish I knew why, but I don't. Like the whole girlfriend thing. God it sucks. It's really been getting me down and i've been trying to not let it, but I can't help it. I mean i've got all these friends that're like "Hey i'll hook you up with someone!" Yeah...right...i've heard that so many times I could scream. I know they have good intentions and I appreciate that, but they end up being too busy with their other things to even really try anymore. Then I got friends that say they're going to "pimp" me out. Yeah...same thing. They say that but they never actually do it. Again, they just get too caught up in there things to care anymore, which is fine. I don't care anymore at this point. Well, I mean, I do, but there's not much I can do about it. I've tried to meet new people, but so far, no luck. I think im just goin to give up all together and not worry about it anymore. If anyone wants to date me bad enough they can just come to me, if not, oh well.
current mood:  annoyed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
| |
10:03 pm - I suck at titles.
|
Hmm..for once I wish something interesting would happen today. Like...a car ram through the school, or have a horde of giant pandas take over the school and hold the principal for ransom, but no one would pay it...because we don't care. We'd all just go home anyways. Panda's aren't scary creatures...are they? *grabs some bamboo just in case* Anywho, I've been in a weird mood today. I think im just worn out with everything. I came home today, and just sat around. Then for no apparent reason I deleted all the music I had on my harddrive except for some of the orchestrated stuff i've downloaded. Hm...ah well. You know what else? Me thinks there's something goin' on. I dunno what it is, or what, but it's just that feeling I have. No im not paranoid, I don't beleive it to be anything bad, just kinda makes me curiouser and curiouser. There are some people that're trying to hook me up with other people to go with for Homecoming. I may, but then again, I dunno. Some of the people they want me to check out I don't really care for, I mean they're nice and all, but I dunno, chemistry just isn't there. Like I said, im just in a jaded mood today. Hrm...well now that im done babbling, i'll be off!
current mood:  weird
current music: Legend of Zelda-Ocarina of Time-Gerudo Valley(Orchestrated)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
| |
8:05 pm - Meanwhile back at the ranch...
|
I like that saying...I dunno why. I just do. Anyways, it's been a few days since my last post. Not much has happened since then though, Im slowly getting better. I dunno what it is, but when it comes to my allergies, it sucks. Ah well. The same ol' same ol' has been goin' on. Just dealin' with some stuff with some friends. Nothin' I can't handle. More and more people keep lookin' at that squirrel ranting thingy and they say it reminds them of me to a degree. I find it rather amusing. I think im going to start a cult which follows the squirrel. It shall be called Foamyism. Yes...that's right...Foamyism. If there is any of you that wish to join, you can contact me. HAHA kidding. Today was certainly an interesting and good day. I haven't felt in this good of a mood in while. I had a friend ask my sister on a date and she totally spazzed. I thought it was hilarious. Something like that should not have been that much fun and amusing. She didn't end up going though because she couldn't work it out, so maybe they'll do something at a later date. Who can tell?
I busted out the old paintball equipment today because it's gettin' that time of year again. I can't wait. I just shot off a couple of rounds. I really need to learn to take my gun apart and clean it. My luck though, i'd take it apart and not know how to put it back together, or i'd lose a part or something. The gun I have has lots of small parts to it that's easy to lose. I love this time of year. Fall/Winter. Mostly because I love the cold weather and that's also the time I get to play paintball. At least im getting some friends that're playing now so if I don't play like I usually do, I have them, plus we can always play at my house. Im going to play next monday with some friends. It should be great. I wonder how good im going to do since it's been almost a year since i've played. It should be interesting nonetheless, and fun. Oh yes, and for those of you that like Final Fantasy, you should check this out and see if you recognize these people http://www.the-magicbox.com/game092903b.htm (let me know if the link doesn't work, the other one didn't for some reason)
current mood:  exanimate
current music: Master Blaster - How Old R U?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, September 27th, 2003
| |
10:46 pm - FUN! FUN! FUN!
|
Well today was a good day. Im finally starting to get over my sickness which is great. I went to my friend Nate's house last night and saw Death to Smoochy. That was a funny movie. I enjoyed it muchly so. Then tonight, my friend Chris had a birthday party with Karaoke! WOO! I sang a bunch of songs. I sang Bohemian Raphsody, Weird Science, The Saga Begins, Dare to be Stupid, The time warp, safety dance, lots of others. It was a great great time. Yeah my friends sent me this site www.illwillpress.com/rant.html They sent it to me because they said that it reminded them of me. I looked at it and laughed. I think that they were right, wether you do or not:-p. I feel like saying that to people sometimes. I really do, I just don't want to be mean about it. People say im funny. I dunno...I don't think im that funny. I dunno, I do try though cause I like to make people laugh. Yep..been thinkin' about a lot of things lately. I think im too nice to people. I think I should be meaner to some of them. I dunno why I think that, I just think I do. I think that's been my largest problem with a lot of little problems i've been having...yep...but I hate to be mean to people cause that's not me, but then again, I hate being so nice. I honestly think it's my different flaw, although many of you may think otherwise. I doubt anyone really reads this anymore so it doesn't really matter. Anyways, that was night, so im off. Later.
current mood:  cynical
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, September 25th, 2003
| |
8:47 pm - Same shit different day.
|
Well, it's been a while since i've updated, but not much is happening. I've been sick all week. ALL FREAKING WEEK. I hate it when I get sick because I can't get sick for like a day like normal people. When I get sick, I get sick for like a week. It sucks. I hate being sick cause then you feel like crap and you can't do anything. I wanted to work out sometime this week, but I haven't felt like it. I wonder how much make-up work i'll have when I get back. Probably not a lot. None of my classes really gives that much homework except math, but that's easy stuff. No need to worry there. Anyways, considering I can't think of anything else to post I suppose i'll be off now. I'll post more later if I think of anything.
current mood:  sick
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
| |
7:24 pm - Blah!
|
Still sick...blah...being sick sucks. I went to the doctor today and they gave me a bunch of medecine. Stupid medecine makes me sleepy. I hate it when that happens. I got my interview done for my Pacesetter class so im glad that I got that out of the way. I think im running a temperature again...boy does it suck. I didn't do much today. I just layed around and played Golden Sun. That's an amazing game. I've been playing it on and off for the past like year. It's great. I've almost beat it. I wanan beat it so that I can get Golden Sun:The Lost Age. Anyways, im off, Im gonna go lay down or something.
current mood:  crappy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, September 21st, 2003
| |
4:49 pm - BAH!
|
Well, this weekend sure had it's up and downs. Friday night I went out with my friends to Brusters. I didn't get any ice cream though. Then I got home, and once again got into a fight with my friend. So after that night, having been extremely angry to the point to where I was in tears, I told him that I wasn't going to speak to him for a few days. So I dunno what's going to happen now. We'll just have to wait and see. Yesterday, despite being sick, I had some friends over. We played Jedi Academy and watched Family Guy. Then we decided to go the WaHo. Then off to the mall we went. So then we got back to my house and played more Jedi Academy. I was going to have them spend the night, but I was running a pretty high fever, so no. SO then I woke up this morning and was still very sick, and I still have a fever, and I can't sleep either. I want to, but I can't get comfortable, then things kept waking me up, blah. If im like this tomorrow im not going to school.
current mood: crappy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 19th, 2003
| |
5:23 pm - Hmm..what to do...
|
The more and more I get to thinking about it, the more upset I get. I mean I dunno what to do. Im going to have to sit down and do some serious friendship re-evaluation tonight. I dunno what's gonna happen, I honestly can't say at this moment. Im just sick and tired of going through this all the time. I hate having to choose between two friends. This is seriously tearing me apart. I mean I got so angry last night, I was practically enraged. I mean I was so angry that I could've put someone through a wall. Im not joking. I seriously hate it when that happens to me. That makes the third time i've resisted it, I dunno how much longer I can keep resisting. Im only human and I can only take so much before I snap. I dunno what im ticked at more, the fact that he hurt my friend badly, which he doesn't seem to care too much about, or the fact that he violated the trust I had in him? I hate it when this type of shit happens. I get so mad, and im afraid of what I might do if I get angry, especially at him. He knows what im like when he drives me to that point. He's the only one that drives me that far. I can't take it anymore. What am I going to do?
current mood: confused
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|