Hard not get hooked on you...

No bottle serves to suit my wounds
06-28-2003 |4:19am|

mood - cheerful

music - Overdue // The Get Up Kids

It's been quite some time since I've sat down to write, but here it is, another update a la Chris Carrabba.

Above is the cover for the new album. It seems rather melancholy, but in itself holds some whisper, some attraction of what could be hidden. Something that could be incredible, something unexpected. Which is exactly what I'm hoping happens with the new album. I've been pigeonholed and slated as the Emo Boy Extrodinaire. To be completely honest, it's not really me at all. The albums I wrote before this one came out of very dark times in my life - family tragedies, and some very ugly periods where I endured, above all else, a serious lack of belief and hope in myself. Periods that I indulged in inflicting myself with pain because it was all I could remember feeling real.

I've been writing this album for about a year and a half now and it brings with it not only the dark periods, but the ones where I've broken through, where it's come to pass that my time to find happiness had arrived. It's very hopeful and I think translates very well the way I've grown and how my life has turned ultimately for the better. The title, A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar does sound very Dashboard-esque, but once the album it really listened to, it begins make sense more as something that isn't, for lack of a better word here folks, 'depressing', but more as something that is widely known as survival.

I'm very proud of this album. It's been noted on one too many occassions that Interscope records is handling 49% of the costs to make this album. I think an undue amount of attention has been turned onto me because of it. I think people expect this album to be a proving ground. These people are assuming that since Interscope is investing this sort of time and money into me and my project that I owe them something. I owe nothing to anyone but myself, to the men I'm blessed to call my band, and to those that this is supposed to reach. This album should not, and I hope will not, be the ultimate decision for a person on whether or not to take me seriously as an artist. And if it turns out that way, I hope they hate the album.

With album news out of the way...
The tour dates have been scheduled and are continuously being worked on. I find it amazing that a band as great as MxPx jumped at the chance to open for me. Brandnew is on the opening slate, too. One of my favorite recent bands, Vendetta Red will join the tour on some dates and so will Rooney. There's only about 18 official announced shows right now. We're working on the midwest and over to the west coast. When you have 4 different bands to schedule with you, it gets tough to work things out where everyone's ready to settle and accept. And if you missed it, tickets went on sale already. But you know...we could proably work somethin out if you missed them.

Things at home have been great. The kids are wonderful, growing a little more every day and as beautiful as ever. Jeff's been amazingly supportive, especially in regards to the tour. I've done my absolute best to make sure I have time for my family and I will continue to do so. I don't want what go through what we had to last time.

And there you have it folks.
I also decided to switch up icons. You know you love them.

And now...I sleep.

|2| Hold On

You can't always be down and out
06-14-2003 |9:53pm|

mood - okay

music - It's Going to Get Worse before it Gets Better // Piebald

What a strange twist of events. Not five days ago, I told him I'd have my stuff moved out by this weekend. All because I wouldn't leave the tour. Now there's nothing left of the tour. Beck had to cancel dates in Canada. Which screwed up our travel plans. And I'm not talking a little bit. I'm talking dominoe effect here. Once one went down, they all fell. We played our last show tonight. We fly back home in the morning.

There's a lot to do regarding Dashboard. I want to be a part of the post-production process, I want to be a very large part in planning the promotion and tour for the new record. I have to start recording for the acoustic EPs coming out towards the end of the year.

But before any of that, I'm going to take time and I'm going to be a husband and I'm going to be a father. That's what's most important right now. My family.

I'm disappointed, sure. But this gives me the chance I need to reconnect with my family, with whom I've lost far too many moments.

|2| Hold On

Forgive me
06-11-2003 |3:49pm|

mood - Hurt

music - Don't Hate Me // The Get Up Kids

It's a strange feeling to have your loyalties questioned. It's also a strange thing to be put into a position where the obvious right answer feels so wrong and the wrong answer could cose you everything that you've struggled to keep intact.

I've never led any sort of 'stable' life. I was always up and down. What made it worse was that it all sat bottled up inside. I was stifled by everything that I went through. It drove me crazy. Until that day that I literally stumbled over fate. I was in school, walking from one class to another. I stumbled over my own feet. 'Everyone stumbles sometimes,' I said to myself. 'Everyone falls.' Something about that stuck with me and fifteen minutes later, I had half of what would become first song. That was all it took. The floodgates opened.

I always loved music. My mother is a musician - not that anyone's heard of her. But a name doesn't make talent. She shared her passion for music, for making it, with me as I grew up. I fell in love with the Beach Boys when I was a kid. I wanted so badly to do something with music that my brothers and I would take pans and boxes and stuff like that and we'd play 'Band.' Every year I signed up for chorus, though at the time it was just because my mom said I should, and because it was an easy class.

I've always had music. And once I started writing, it became everything to me. Everything I couldn't get out before found it's way onto paper. Every word found a chord, every chord found a tune, every tune found a song. And on more than one ocassion - more than I liked to admit - these songs saved me my sanity. They saved me my life.

When I moved to Florida, I began to understand that I wasn't the only one who was this passionate about music. About having it, about making it, about writing it. I went from band to band my junior and senior year. Then I found Dan, and we found the Vacant Andys. And that's when music became more than my passion, more than my outlet. That's when music became my life.

When I started Dashboard two something years ago, it was nothing to anybody but me. Then my friends heard it. And it wasn't just me anymore. It was me and it was these kids. Kids who knew these pains as much as I did. Who'd been there, too. Who'd been beaten and bruised; torn and tattered. I got through to these kids. I reached out to them the only way I could. Through my music. Through my life. And somehow, I shoed them, 'hey, it's okayh. Everybody stumbles. Everybody falls.'

I never thought that my devotion to my music would be put to the test. I never thought that the one person who was supposed to support me always, love me for everything I am and am not, would force me into something like that.

My entire life, I sepnt trying to find a way for someone to know. For someone to understand. I found that in Dashboard. I found that in these kids. And I found that I can reach them in a way that maybe no one else could. Because we know. Together we know. And I've survived it. If I can, so can they. ANd to know that I can do that for someone, it makes my pain, my suffering, worthwhile.

I love my husband. I love my children. I love my music. I don't enjoy being divided over them. For so long, my music has been everything to me. Then came Jeff, my children. I couldn't breathe without them. But I can't breathe without music.

I can understand why he wants what he does. If I could do it, I would. But I can't. I can't turn my back on these kids. I can't turn my back on my music, on the one part of my life that's always been there; that hasn't betrayed me, that hasn't broken me.

But to be asked to...to be asked to turn away from the only thing in this world that has always and always will be there....that makes me absolutely furious.

|2| Hold On

06-09-2003 |5:55pm|

mood - cynical

music - With This Song, I Will Destroy Myself..... // Moneen

I feel partially responsible
I'm confused
All I can do
Is quietly grin and resent you

I'd really appreciate a goodbye.

I guess it's too much to ask for.

I think it's time to jump off now.

|1| Hold On

It's getting harder and harder to breathe
06-08-2003 |1:03am|

mood - confused

music - Jamestown // The Movielife

My emotions have been on some sort of roller coaster ride recently. I've been blinded with rage, I've felt completely desolate; I've felt so incredibly loved and I've felt so fucking helpless. I've been angry, I've been sorry, I've pitied and I've promised.

I've done my best to keep my emotions in check. I've tried. I'm on the road, I'm consistently surrounded by people. Alone time is luxury; one that I can't afford. I have a husband and three children to keep a look out on, I have a band to keep together, I have a record company to represent, I have fans to please and keep happy.

But I'm not a miracle worker. I give so much of myself to everyone else that I leave nothing for me. I can't be happy every single of the day. And I can't be expected to bend at a whim. When you're down, the last thing you need is someone to kick you. And that's all that's been happening to me recently.

I fought tonight. With Mike. About the set list. About a fucking set list. I want to change it up for our shows starting next week. He wants to keep it as is. He's 'comfortable' with it that way. He says I change it enough during the shows as it is. And maybe he's right. Maybe I do. But the songs I want to change to, he knows. He knows how to play them. He knows how I play them. He knows how to feed off me if I change, I know how to feed off him. Johnny and Scott know exactly what to do.

I'm arguing with my best friend over songs for a show. Mike and I haven't fought for....months. Maybe a year. Maybe ever longer. It's not like us. But tonight....I was so close to telling him to just pack his bags and I'll get someone else. I'd regret it, I knew. Mike's phenomenal on the drums, he's my best friend.

Tomorrow, things will be okay. Just like always. We'll realize how stupid we were, we'll reconcile, life will go on. And who knows. Maybe we'll have a new set list. Maybe we won't.

All I know is that I want this ride to stop. I'm close to just jumping off.

Hold On

06-06-2003 |10:20pm|

mood - frustrated

music - Wish You Were Here // Get Up Kids

I don't want him to be perfect. I just want him to be him. That's why I love him. That's why I will always love him. He is perfect. His strengths make the mask, but his faults make the man. His faults make him beautiful. If I could show him that, I would. Whatever it took. If it meant losing him, I'd show him.

I just want to show him.

Hold On

06-05-2003 |7:32pm|

mood - infuriated

music - Duck and Cover // The Agency

I didn't believe that in me, there could lie rage. Not anger, but rage. Pure, raw rage. But there does. Since he told me, it's seeped into ever last piece of fiber, wrapped it's cold, ugly hand around my heart. And every time I see him, that hand squeezes, breaking me just a little more.

I don't like it, I don't like way it courses through my viens, the way it clouds my mind. I don't like the thoughts it brings. I don't like the way it burns in my stomach; I don't like the taste it leaves at the back of my throat. I don't like the disturbing images it stirs; I don't like the desires it brings. The ones to do the same back. To make him feel the very same way.

I want to tear his pride away piece by piece. I want to leave him raw and vulnerable. I want to make him fall to his knees and cry out every night in pain at the injustice. I want to watch that smug little smirk be ripped off his face. I want to be the one who makes it fall away. I want to watch him cry. I want him to make him feel worthless. I want to make him feel this way.

I never will. But God I want to. I want to so badly. I want him to know. I want him to know what it's like to feel broken.

Hold On

Good times compounded on good times
05-31-2003 |3:42pm|

mood - giddy

music - Losing You // New Amsterdams

I never thought I could ever love him anymore than I already do. But last night, he proved me wrong.

We parted in the early morning, he to Detroit, myself to Atlanta. He was doing something with the gay pride festival; I had my first show with the Beck tour. After our set, I headed right back for the hotel because it'd been a long day - 6AM flight to be in Atlanta by 8, the regular pitstops on the way, phone interview, sound check, the actual show...

I almost always stick around to watch the main act, even longer after to meet with kids who came out. But I just wasn't doing that tonight. I was sitting on the bed, lazily strumming my guitar. The TV was on, but nothing was on to keep my interest, and try as I might, I just couldn't get to sleep.

Then there's a knock at the door. The guys all have a key to room, knock once before stepping in, and Rich always calls to tell me he's dropping by. So, needless to say, I was a little surprised. I walked to the door and opened it and there he was. He looked even more exhausted than I felt, but his smile was so alive. I was dumbfounded. Absolutely dumbfounded. He was in Detroit, not Altanta, not standing right outside my room with a duffel bag over his shoulder, and his smile, bright and beautiful, and those eyes on mine.

He's putting everything off for me. To be with me. His entire solo career...he's putting it on the backburners just so we can be together. The reasonable part of me doesn't want him to do this, put his future on hold just so I don't have to be alone at night, but that part of me that needs him, that craves him, that never wants him to be more than two inches away from me, is excited. Elated. He's here for me; I'm the most important part of his life.
And that makes me feel good.

I just hope he doesn't regret it.

Hold On

05-30-2003 |3:03am|

mood - discontent

-He steps out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his slim waist, using another to dry his hiar. He glances at the bed, a sad smile creeping onto his face at the sight of Jeff still fast asleep. He stops at the dresser on his way to the closet, pulling out a pair of boxers. Flicking the switch, he steps into the closet, pulling the towel off and stepping into the boxers, tossing the used towel into the hamper, resting the other one over his shoulder. He dresses into a pair of jean shorts, pulling a tee shirt from the hanger. From the other side, he grabs one of Jeff's undershirts and pulls it on before pulling the shirt on. With a yawn, he steps out of the closet, turning to the light off. He looks back to the bed, sighing softly, absently playing with the ring around his finger. A heavy sigh escapes him as he heads for the bed, crawling in slowly, hoping not to wake Jeff, glancing at the alarm clock as he does-

I'll give him a half hour.

-He stretches out beside his sleeping huband, eyes moving slowly over the older man's features. He brings his hand up, ghosting his fingers over the other's cheek and down his jaw, brushing over his lips then back over his cheek, sliding slowly into his hair. He lets the soft tendrils tickle over his fingers and palm before running hand slowly down Jeff's back. He inches closer slowly, scared to wake him, until he's pressed flush against him. He presses a soft kiss against Jeff's forehead before laying his head down on the pillow, eyes closing in defence of the burning tears beginning to build-

A month and a half. That's it. -He takes in a deep breath, letting it out slowly- That's it.

|1| Hold On

Home is where the heart is
05-27-2003 |7:06pm|

mood - pleased

music - Slow Down // The New Amsterdams

Hartford.

It's been too long since I've been back. But here I am. Sitting in the nicest room in the nicest hotel, looking out over the skyline. In the distance is the distinct marking of the division from Hartford to West Hartford. I remember, when I was little, my mom would forbide me, Billy, and Nick from going past that building. And we never did. We'd walk or skate or bike right up to the building, but we'd never go past it. It wasn't that I was scared of my mom finding out. I suppose it's because I respected my mother too much to dishonor such a request, one that now seems silly; almost foolish. The town expands tremendously after that building, and perhaps somewhere inside of us, all three of us were afraid of what may lay beyond Sterling Road. Hartford was bigger, there were more corners, more shadows, more people. None of us ever dared break my mother's rule, and I do pride myself on that. She knew what was best and so we listened. Even Bill, who at anytime could have spat that she wasn't his mother in her face. But he never once did. She was his mother, and he respected her as much as myself and Nick.

I can see some of West Hartford from here, new buildings and old, and memories blossom in my mind; baseball in the front yard with my step-dad and my brothers, nights around the dinner table with Nick on my right and Bill across from me, nights I spent curled up against my mom's side as all of us sat down to watch TV. The pillow fights with Nick and Bill, the real fights over the bathroom. I remember the boys who liked to come by on their way home from the comic book store, as if their threats to finally beat the crap out of me would be reinforced. They, I'm pleased to say, never seemed to muster up enough interest to want to, and after a while, forgot about me completely.

It was here, in my hometown, that I got my first guitar. Here, that I got my first skateboard and a taste of teenage rebellion that I swore would never leave me. I'd never be one of 'those' kids, the ones who did everything right and tried to appease their parents every second. No way. I'd be a skateboard rebel kid for life, there ain't nobody but me.

And then came the news; it was good-bye West Hartford, hello Boca Raton.

There was never a time since I've left that West Hartford hasn't been a part of me. Only it's seemed to fade away over the years, erode and crumble like some of the buildings that are still miracously standing.

I try to play in Hartford every tour. This is my home turf. This is where I began my life, began to grow into the person I was meant to be today. These kids here understand me like none other, because they know. They live it, every day, just like I did.

I'm excited to take the stage, honored even, every night that I do. But in Hartford, it's always something a little more special. Hartford is mine, and I'm Hartford's. Hartford is home, and it's nice to be back in the embrace of the city that built my foundation.

|1| Hold On

Our memories are always on my mind
05-26-2003 |2:00am|

mood - tired

music - I Won't Run Away // The New Amsterdams

It's almost done.

Only, it's about to begin again.

( I'm recently obsessed with this song )

Hold On

Mmmm
05-24-2003 |1:23am|

mood - horny

music - Cast It // Seville

( Drool as necessary. Touch and die. )

Hands down, my husband's the most gorgeous man on the face of the planet.

And with that being said, you should all check out my new layout. Mmm. Jeff.

|20| Hold On

05-23-2003 |5:23pm|

mood - naughty

music - Calcium // Loudermilk

Dressing room sex is fun.

|6| Hold On

05-20-2003 |10:18am|

mood - worried

music - Second to Last // New Found Glory

I talked to Mandy last night. I got her to laugh. She's going through a really tough time and I wish I could be there for her more than just over the phone. But, as always, work pulls me in different directions than everyone I want to be with. She said JC flew out to be with her, and that makes me feel better. At least there's someone there for her.

I start the California shows tomorrow. And then it's off. On tour with Beck. Plus? I'll be back with the guys. And that's about it. I think Rich is trying to run me into the ground. I'm really beginning to wonder if this all worth giving up my family for.

Hold On

Still tryin hard to beat it down
05-18-2003 |8:45pm|

mood - disappointed

music - Single File Line // The Agency

Something happened to me yesterday that made me think. Not just idly wonder, but really made me think. Lys learned that if you poor salt on a slug, it shrivels up and gets all slimy. She wanted to show me this wonder of nature. So we headed outside and found a slug and performed a little experiment. In the middle of it, one of the kids who was sitting outside for the show approached me and asked me about Lys. I told him the truth, that she was the daughter of the person I'm with. I told her to go ask Bob - one of my crew who handles my guitars - if she could see a guitar, that I'd be in to play for her in a minute. She asked if we'd call Daddy after that. So the young man asked then if I were gay. I confused him sufficiently enough before going inside, but that little incident made me think. It's funny how one simple remark can turn you around.

I miss my husband. I'm too used to seeing his face every day. To feeling his touch and seeing his smile, to hearing his voice whisper those three little words in my ear. It's too cold to sleep without his arms around me.

I know tonight I leave after my show to be in California with him again, but that flight feels two million lifetimes away. I wonder what I've missed since I've left. How many smiles I didn't get to see, how many laughs I didn't get to hear, if there were any tears I couldn't kiss away. How many times did he need me and I just couldn't be there for him, couldn't take him in my arms and tell him it was okay?

And then it came to me. What happens next time? When I have to go weeks at a time without him. Weeks that give only to one day with him. One day.

Will everything double? Triple? Quadruple?

And my children. My beautiful children. What of theirs will I miss? Their first crawl? Their first attempts at their first words? How many cries, laughs, gurgles, will I not be there for? How many times will I miss feeding them? Or even changing a diaper?

How many nights will I lay alone, too cold to sleep and too tired to care I can't? How many seconds will I wish he were at my side? How many shows will there be when I feel like I can't go on that stage, I can't this anymore without him?

How many chances will I miss to tell him that I love him?

|1| Hold On

I just want a minute of your time
05-16-2003 |11:37am|

mood - rushed

music - Picture in the Paper // The New Amsterdams

Two shows down, eight to go. I said something to the effect last night that it was show 872 for me. It might be, but I'm probably wrong. I didn't sleep for shit the other night and was sent to do a convention in the morning. You know, where you sit there for hours and do a plug for the station. 'Hi I'm Chris from Dashboard Confessional and you're watching dadadadadada.'
More fun than anyone knows, yes.
Off to the soundcheck after that and then I headed back to the hotel to spend some time with Lys. It's going on four days, and if the time I've spent with her is any indication, I must look negligent. Lindsey keeps her busy, though, and quite happy, so a part of me is relieved that I don't have to spend every waking minute with her to be happy.

Ever notice how some nights some songs are easier to sing than other nights? No matter where I am, singing 'A Plain Morning' is tough on me. It's our song, it means more to me now than it ever has before. But last night, it was okay. I think it's because I got to talk to Jeff just before ths show, but it any case, thank God for small favors.

And with that being said, it's off to NJ for soundcheck number three, with a stop at McDonalds for a happy meal.

( ooc )

Hold On

05-13-2003 |11:16am|

mood - tired

music - I'll Catch You // The Get Up Kids

Headaches, flying, being tired, and bad movies don't mix well.

Lys and I hit the air this morning for New York. I was so close to just not letting Jeff go, to not walking onto the plane and running back to him. But I've made a commitment to my music and to these kids, and I can't run out on my end of the deal because of separation anxiety.

Lys is babbling on with her tutor Lindsey. They hit it off immediately and Lys just won't let the poor girl alone. But Linds doesn't seem to mind at all. Linds. As if I've known her for years instead of a few hours.

I need more coffee.

Hold On

05-09-2003 |6:19am|

mood - sad

music - Consequences of Learning How to Fly // The Lyndsay Diaries

I have 4 days with them before I have to say my first goodbye.

|2| Hold On

I think I'll stay in tonight
05-07-2003 |6:01am|

mood - anxious

music - How We Kill Ourselves // The Lyndsay Diaries

FINAL-FUCKING-LY.

I had to get that out. The guys and I finally settled on our final playlist for A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar. We also settled on a release date, July 15. So, you guys'll all be at a record store with it and your wallet that day, right? Clear your calendars! There's nothing important going on, I promise!

Okay, I'm kidding. But I'm really proud of this album, especially since it's the first time I've made a full record with an entire band. There's two or three songs on the album that are just me and the guitar, so it'll be amazing to see the feedback I get. The guys were great and I think we really made an incredible record.

One week till I start touring. I'm nervous. I haven't really been on the road for a few months. It'll be interesting to see how it goes. It's crazy, ten shows straight by myself, then a quick chance to recooperate and then I'm out on the road again with the guys and Beck. Beck. How the hell that combination came about, I have no idea. But it should be a great time. As soon as the beck tour ends in July, it's off on our own tour through August and September, possibly into November.

The prospect is exciting. Until I remember that this time around, I have a family. A husband. A daughter. The twins. Before, I had my family at home, my mom, my brothers, my sister, my family in Conneticuit. They'd come out on the road for a few days. Nick travels with me all the time.

But how do you bring out a husband who's got his own record coming out near the same time you do? How do you bring out a five year old and twins when you're barely going to have time for yourself?

I told Jeff I'd work something out. But the very real possibility is that he's going to be busy with his own promotional work that trying to work something out may prove only to be a headache and get us farther back before getting us anywhere ahead.

I'm worried about that, too. I'm scared to death of it, in fact. Things with us are finally settling. We're okay again, finally. I'm okay. He's okay. We're okay. We're good. We're working towards being everything we were and succeeding. And now we're faced with this. My touring, his promo work, and our family hangs in the balance.

This is gonna cause a lot of headaches. And a lot of heartache.

|1| Hold On

I need you like you've always been
05-01-2003 |3:59am|

mood - happy

music - rain splattering against the window

It was Jeff's birthday. :smiles:

We spent the day at home, playing daddy. His mom and dad called. His brother Mike called. It was tough on him to know that a call from Tina wouldn't come in, not a card with a small 'happy birthday, Jeff. Love, Tina'. I know what it's like, that first birthday after you lose someone. That first big event that they should be at, but never make it to. But he was strong, and I'm proud of him.

At the end of the day, I finally got to go through with my plans. After putting Lys to bed, my mother came by to babysit and I brought Jeff out with me, never telling him where I was taking him. I drove him out to the beach and led him to a small wall of rock. We climbed over and hopped down and then I lead him towards the shore, where I'd begged my brother to set up a small blanket for us, with wine and a little birthday cake.

I'm not sure what it is about that specific spot, but since I moved to Boca, it's been the one spot I could go to find solitude, to find peace, to find myself. It was gorgeous out tonight. The moon was bright and danced on the waves that rolled up against the sandy shore. It was just enough light for tonight, a romantic dim to otherwise dark night.

We laid together on the blanket, he on his back, myself on my stomach, and we talked softly. He told me that what I'd done for him was the most romantic thing anyone's ever done. Well he's certainly got a lot coming then. It makes me happy to know that I'm the first one to really be romantic, to be thoughtful, but on the other hand, it makes me wonder just why nobody ever took the time to show him. How beautiful he is. How amazing he is. Every day, the honor to be his husband grows greater, and tonight, it swelled.

It was then that he told me he had something for me. He missed my birthday to be in California with his family, but had finally found the right moment to give me my gift. It was a small box full of Fender guitar pics with an inscription of 'Chris, you have my heart for eternity. Love, Jeff' on the back. I never thought a gift so small could really mean so much. With this crazy touring schedule coming up for me, to know that I'll have a piece of Jeff with me whereever I'm playing will undoubtedly make me feel better about being away. I told him I'd just have to remember not to throw these into the the crowd and we had a good laugh as we talked on the subject.

After many many repetitions of 'I love you' to one another within our conversation, we grew silent, not with a lack of things to say, but simply because the moment represented no need to speak. He turned onto his stomach, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me closer to him. His eyes found mine, and that said all we ever could need to. I brushed my hand over his cheek; he turned into the touch and pressed a kiss to my palm. I ran my thumb over his lips; he playfully nipped at it with a wonderful smile, one that was both childlike and sincere. I ran my fingers through his hair; he smiled and his eyes fluttered closed.

We laid there for a while, together, and I watched him, the relaxed state of his face, the content little smile on his lips. And it came over me like a tidal wave. A love, a devotion so deep and so strong that my heart nearly beat out of my chest. Tears were in my eyes, I admit that with no problem, some even fell, but the rest I blinked away. They clouded my vision and I didn't want to lose sight of him. This moment was too beautiful, too perfect to do anything but watch him, to breathe in his scent, and to know that this was him, this was me, this was us. A huge burden was lifted off my shoulders at that moment, a heaviness rose out of my chest, and I buried my face in his neck, breathing in so deeply, in ways that I haven't done in years. I breathed him in, the scent of the shampoo from his hair, the cologne on his skin, the fabric softener we use from his shirt, the salt in the air.

I startled him some, and he made sure quite a few times that I was okay. But how do you explain that you were beyond fine? That you had just experienced one of the most beautiful, incredible moments of your life? How do you explain to someone that you just fell in love all over again, harder, faster, and more deeply than before? How do you tell someone you just feel like you've touched the hand of God? How do you tell someone that you just found perfection?

He held me for a while afterwards, and nothing has ever felt that right. To be in his arms, tucked close to him, feeling the rise and fall of his chest against my own, the beat of his heart against my palm. I'm consistently amazed at just how well I fit in those strong arms, as though they were made to hold me, and only me.

A little while later, we sat up after deciding to have some cake. But of course, my brother always manages to forget something, and this time around it was a knife to cut the cake. That poor cake became finger food. And poor Jeff and I....we were a mess at the end. We got more cake on each other than we did in our mouths in the end. But that's fine by me. We were laughing like lunatics, smashing cake into each other's face and trying to dodge being hit.

He wrestled me to the blanket, both of us still laughing, covered in vanilla cake and butter cream frosting. Our eyes met in that way they always do; immediately, as though they'd never been taken off each other. I could see it in his eyes immediately, that little flicker of desire, the way his eyes had gone to that gorgeous shade of sapphire. After a small nod, he kissed me, tasting of cake and icing and wine. From that first kiss, I knew there was nothing to stop us, and we made love on the beach, bathed only in moonlight, hearing the waves break against the sand.

We laid together for a while after, watching the water, collecting ourselves. Thunderheads were beginning to buildon the horizon, and lightning jumped cloud-to-cloud, as though playing a game of hide-and-go-seek. They were rolling in fast though, and Jeff and I decided it'd be best to get home before the storm hit to be there for Lys and the twins, should the storm startle them awake.

We dressed, rolling the rest of the whine up in the blanket then headed back for the car, our hands together, fingers laced. The first roll of thunder rippled through the sky as we climbed into the car which prompted me to get it in gear and get goin. His hand was in mine the whole ride home, and though he faced the window, I knew he was smiling.

I was smiling too. I got more from his birthday than he'll ever know.

Edit:
I apologize for my last two entries being novels. Maybe I should write out songs instead, huh? :chuckles:

|8| Hold On

I run so hard at absent pace to cover up this bitter taste of waste
04-30-2003 |4:46am|

mood - hopeful

music - Mai ; Loudermilk

I don't remember how long ago that night was. I remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday, the feel of body against mine, his breath on my shoulder, I can remember the feel of my stomach churning and tears burning my eyes. I can remember the sear of pain cutting through my heart, I can remember the immense fear, I can remember the disturbing shock that this, this man, who was doing this, who was violating me and betraying me in a way I never thought anyone ever could, was actually my husband.

I can remember. But I can't tell you how long ago it happened. But I can tell you that it's felt like forever. That I've been so distanced from him. So repulsed by his actions, so terrified of his capabilities, so amazingly disgusted at him for what he did to me.

We separated for a few weeks, I returned back to my home in Boca, and I shut myself off from the world. Away from my band, away from my family, away from everyone. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror, why would anyone else want to look at me? I detached myself from everything real. It kept me numb, and then, numb was all I wanted to feel. No more pain, no more anger, no more disbelief, no more betrayal. Just a comfortable numbness that left me not really living through the day, but rather just existing.

When the numbing effect started to wear off, I'd write. I look back on those songs some days, and they chill me. How dark they are. Angry. I look back on them and I wonder who I was then. What side of me had decided to show itself for the first time. Frankly, I'm disgusted with myself for writing songs like those.

Sometimes they took the pain away, sometimes I'd just go numb again, but more often than not, they just ended up as words on a piece of paper, as meaningless and uninteresting as I'd recently turned into. Writing is a theraputic process for me. Only it seemed to work in reverse this time. Instead of relieving me, it only made things worse. I can remember one day being so angry after writing that I nearly threw my guitar into the wall. But an absurd thought came to me then, as they most often do in times when we think humor is far, far away, and I realized that if I did so, the guitar would more than likely break, and I'd have to go get another one. Well, no way in hell was I about to leave the confines of my little 2-bedroom square.

I would lay awake most nights, most usually on my couch, and stare blankly up at the ceiling. If I closed my eyes, I'd feel it again, too harsh, too real, to ignore. So I'd just stare up into the dark, as ugly as the inside of my mind.

Jeff came back sometime later, when I was in a state that nobody would really find endearing. I'd begun to spiral through some sort of severe depression apparently, and I looked it. I hadn't showered or shaved in three days, I certainly don't recall ever finding the need to eat. All I wanted was sleep. Blackness. Dark. Away from it all. But I couldn't sleep. If I tried, it'd come back, and I'd lay awake for hours, trembling, crying, begging for it to go away.

He took care of me that day, showered me, dressed me in fresh clothes and put me to bed. I vaguely remember a conversation, but what it consisted of, I can't recall. I was so tired. I was killing myself, I could feel it. Little by little, my body was breaking down. He held me, and somehow, I slept. Perhaps I just finally gave in to the exhaustion, perhaps it was because I was in his arms, and that told me that I had something to hang on for.

Slowly, things began to work themselves out with us. I remembered to smile again, and the dark fog in my mind began to lift. My memory of those days doesn't serve me very well, undoubtedly because of that same fog that pervaded through me, but a part of me believes it's simply because I'm tired of remembering the struggles.

Recently, I've been able to get closer to him in the physical sense. There was a time following that night that the mere thought of anything remotely sexual relating to Jeff made me nauseous. But with each kiss, each little touch, it seemed to get easier. In the back of my mind, there always existed to me the very real, the very frightening, possibility that any minute, I could end up in the same position as that night, feeling how I did all over again.

Somewhere in the middle of this, life got in the way and threw some swerves in the road. Between Tina's passing, the twins, and...well, a subject we won't even get into....it's been tough to let our concentration lie where it needs to be most. On us. On making us work again. On remembering what it was that we had before and finding it again.

Tonight, though...tonight...I think we made a pretty good stride in the right direction. I've been fighting this for a while, I've been too afraid to give in, I've been too afraid of him to let myself believe that it was only once. That it was a fluke, that it was something that truly would never happen again.

I was petrified again tonight. It felt so alien, to be touched in the ways he touched me, to be kissed in the ways he kissed me. He felt alien to me. I was giving in, my walls were breaking, because alien as it were, it was Jeff. And somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew that. This was Jeff, this was my husband, this was the man I loved; the man I'd swore my life to.

He didn't know that, though, that I was coming to this realization. All he felt was me trembling around him, all he saw was me trying so desperately not to cry. And just like that, he was curled up with his back to me, trembling and crying just as I was. Something about the site made me angry. I was the one who'd been hurt, dammit. But something else came to me. A new confidence. A new belief. A new affirmation that this time, this time it would be like it had been. Like that first time he ever made love to me. Gentle. Slow. And with this epiphany, with this sudden desire, lust...I asked him. And when he refused, I demanded.

I needed to know that Jeff again. I needed to remember that Jeff. And I did. I found him again, in his kiss, in his touch, in his hold. I found the vulnerable beauty that had entrapped me so easily before, that had drowned me so quickly. I found him.

|4| Hold On

04-28-2003 |8:50am|

mood - guilty

music - Hot Hot Heat ; No, Not Now

I want to. So badly. I want to show him.

But I can't. I just...can't.

I can't give him what he wants. And that makes me feel inadequate.

It used to be so easy. One look was all it took. One kiss, one touch. But now...now I loathe that look, I tremble at his lips on mine, my stomach knots at his touch.

I'm afraid of him.

|4| Hold On

04-27-2003 |2:36am|

mood - determined

I don't even know what to say anymore.

It was going okay. Things were looking up. I was starting to get better. We were starting to get better. The pieces were picked up, it just came down to setting them all back into place.
But now it's back to square one. I tried to be nice. I felt threatened, everything felt wrong. But I tried to be a nice guy, because my mom raised me right, and because...well, I'm just really not an asshole.

Now the pieces are everywhere again, and they're broken again. Picking up isn't going to be easy when both of us are at the bottom.

I'm going to fix this.

|5| Hold On

04-26-2003 |5:56am|

mood - confused

music - Once in a Row // Movielife

I'm so confused.

Hold On

04-23-2003 |11:36pm|

mood - worn out

music - A Farewell to Autumn // The Lyndsay Diaries

[mmm...new layout]

Things are crazy. Alyssa's got the chicken pox, Jeff's back with the twins, we're moving into the new house starting this weekend....

Is it wrong to kind of be happy I'm going to be getting away for a few days in a few weeks?

By the way, doing some pimping:

The Lyndsay Diaries

You want emo? That's emo. And this guy is forty million times better than I am. Yeah. Go. Listen.

Hold On

Home is waiting here for you when you return
04-19-2003 |1:31am|

mood - hopeful

music - Wearing Thin ; Further Seems Forever

I've had to learn a lot of lessons recently. I've been pushed over the edge. I've had to live in my own personal hell. But somehow, there was always something there. Some ledge on the cliff, some saving grace there to keep me from spiraling all the way to the bottom with no way back up.

The other day, I had another lesson to learn. Just how beautifully fragile life really is. We all walk on cracked ice every day. One wrong step, and it's hello last sleep. Unfortunately, it's always the best of us who take the wrong step far before anyone could have expected, and despite all efforts to pull them out, sometimes you just have to realize that longer you hold on, that ice may just give beneath you too.

Tina was a fighter. She held out for as long as she could. She held out long enough to give Jeff and I a real chance at our family. She was brilliant in her final breath, and I'll never look back without feeling a overwhelmed with gratitude for what she's given to me.

I'll try to stop speaking so metaphorically, but it tends to help numb the pain a little.

I was there. I saw. I watched my son and daughter being born. I've heard stories of how amazing it is. But to experience that...to finally understand just how magical that very moment is...when you see something that you helped to create...there are no words that could even begin to describe what that's like.

After making sure the babies were safe and healthy, we said our final goodbyes to Tina. I may not have been a real part of their family for very long, but Tina was amazing. It was hard on me. To have to watch her just lay there, a woman who not even a month ago, had been so sprightly, so full of life, so excited to be carrying life inside of her...

I left Jeff with his brother, father, mother and Alyssa, I let them say goodbye as a family. I walked outside, sat down on a bench. I looked up at the sky, and it wasn't much longer that I was openly weeping. It was all built up inside of me, it was overwhelming, and I couldn't hold on anymore. I probably looked absolutely pitiful, just sitting on the bench, leaning over, face buried in my hands, but that's all right.

These last few days have been strange. There's a part of me missing. It feels like there's always something that's just not right. I don't know how long it'll take for that feeling to go away, but I'm sure, just like everything else has, it'll become a part of me. It'll dig into me and make a itself a nice little home.

It's strange though, how despite a loss, Jeff and I continue to live. We have so much to work on, and we know that. I have so many issues I still need to get through. So many feelings to sort through. And still, every day, I'm at his side, and we're going on. We're trying. That's what matters. We're trying. I could live like this. I could live feeling like I do right now. Most days, I can wake up and push it away. It's simple enough. But I don't want to. I want to get over this. I want to be free of it all. And so every day, I have to live through it. I can't push it away, as badly as I want to. I have to make myself feel that way. I have to let myself feel that way.

It hurts Jeff. And sometimes I think to myself, 'he deserves it. He deserves to be hurt by how he hurt me.' But for the most part, I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I wish I could stop hurting Jeff. Especially now. The last thing I need to do is make him worry about us. I try to keep it minimal, just a little day by day, a little step here, a little one there. Things may take a long time that way...but it's worth it. There's just too much going on to let it all out at once. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I always loved that story....

Back onto better subjects. Jeff and I finally settled on names for the two new additions to our family. And both of them have a name that really mean something to us. Our son, Caden Justin. Justin Carrabba...my cousin...who I lost when we were both too young. Who I shared almost everything with, including a birthday. And I made a promise to him one of those birthdays that weren't really ours anymore, but just mine. That I'd always keep him alive. And I can now. And our daughter...Kristina Raine. We'll always have Tina with us now, and I think that's been the one thing that's kept everyone together.

And of course, with a larger family, comes a need for a new house. After, of course, we decided to stay in Florida. But it's been good. For me. For Jeff. For us. To do something, as a family. As us. It's going to be a long time before things between us settle. But we're on the right path, and that's what matters.

.....And, on a completely unrelated note...I was in this band about two years ago called Further Seems Forever, maybe you know 'em...and I've been listening to our CD all night. Go figure. Wow, I hate listening to myself.

|1| Hold On

04-10-2003 |7:40pm|

mood - lonely

music - Shrek

:looks over at Lys on couch, watching Shrek, smiles softly:
:glances down at his hand, twisting the ring around his finger, sighs softly:

Happy birthday, Chris.

|1| Hold On

Feeling so faithless
04-03-2003 |12:27pm|

mood - scared

music - Numb // Linkin Park

The pain was overwhelming. Everytime I thought I could get it under control, it'd come back ten fold.

So I let go.
I shut off.
Shut away.

Now he's back, reaching out, offering a new hold.
I'm terrified to take his hand.

|1| Hold On

03-29-2003 |10:16pm|

mood - confused

It's been a long time....years....since that day that we decided to move on, to perhaps look for something more...to perhaps look for ourselves.

But last night, I needed him. He is the only one who can understand me in moments like those, the only one can make my head stop and my heart ache less.

I spent last night in his bed. I touched his skin, ran my fingers through his hair, kissed his lips, felt his breath on my cheek and whispers against my ear. I slept in his arms, tucked deeply under the covers and into his hold.

And not once did I stop wishing it was Jeff. There is nothing in my life more right than Jeff. And it kills me the thought of going back hurts me just as much as the thought of staying here without him any longer.

Hold On

Won't heal until I'm stronger
03-28-2003 |2:25pm|

music - 97 Ways to Kill a Superhero // Loudermilk

I easily admit that there have been times in my life where I thought I was at the end of my rope, where I thought I just couldn't go on anymore.

I easily admit there have been numerous times in my life where I thought I was at rock bottom, and there was no sun to climb back for.

But now? This is a brand new low. I've gone farther than rock bottom, and I've already dropped from the last strand. I don't know how to build myself up anymore.

I've been bleeding well from this old would
Cleaning it with salt
So it will still feel new
Sometimes eyes turn black
Sometimes scars are tracks
But every time you're gone
I wish that you'd come back

And everyone watched me waste myself
And everyone cheered at last
And all of them found it comforting
It's better it's me...than them

edit: It occured to me today that we got married exactly one month ago...

|1| Hold On

03-25-2003 |8:14am|

mood - numb

The words keep running through my head. It’s like this huge whirlwind of black letters; my brain trying to make sense of it all, trying to find some kind of peace in them; release.

I’ve lived with this ache, this burden, for so long now that it’s a part of me. That dull void in my chest that has held me back, been the reason I didn’t pursue relationships, I didn’t want to have to go through anything like that ever again.

Only now I am. That overwhelming feeling of losing my grip, the intense fear of letting go - of watching it all fall from away from me. Because I wasn’t good enough make it right. I wasn’t enough to keep it from going wrong in the first place.

I hoped to find some sort of solace in the words the first time I read them. To find a way to mend the piece of myself that only continues to break. But I didn’t. I only found more anger. More resentment. More reason to keep up this masochistic game I play with myself every day. Once again, I’m left to question myself. My motives. I’m left to wonder what could have possibly lead me to believe I could test the hands of fate - much less change them.

The grief is unbearable again, and it feels like all eyes are once more on me. On the one person who had a chance but didn’t make it count. Who couldn’t be good enough to be all that he needed. Who wasn’t good enough to help him make it through his struggle. It makes me feel worthless, just as I did then.

And as much as I want to believe in what he wrote, in the words that he left for me, the ones that I’m supposed to take to heart, to believe…I can’t. Because he’s not here now. He’s not here because I couldn’t keep him here. No matter how pretty those words are…they only make me feel uglier.

Hold On

Void of all discretion
03-23-2003 |10:25pm|

mood - numb

music - nothing

So it pretty much came down to either I tell him, or he leaves.

Ironically, now that I've told him, I want him to leave.

|1| Hold On

03-18-2003 |3:16pm|

mood - weird

music - Mike talking with Gil

He asked about it last night.

I guess it was just foolish that I thought I could go through our entire life and not have him ask.

I talk about it the only way I know I can...and even that can be too much. I just...can't talk about it. It happened years ago, and I'm still having my problems coping with it.

He's back in California for the day. And I'm back in the studio, so that's good. It gives me a chance to shake it off. And Mike...thank God for him.

Hold On

03-16-2003 |11:20pm|

mood - discontent

music - How You Remind Me // Nickelback

I don't like fighting. I never have. I don't like my false sense of security to be blown away. I don't like being ugly. I don't like everything I know, everything I feel, everything I am to be exposed all together at one moment.

But it happened. The moment he said those words, everything was gone and I was left open. Open to pick apart.

I don't like not being confident in my capabilities. In myself. But I've never been good enough. I've simply never been enough. For anyone. So what on earth gives me the right to concieve the notion that I will be now? And for someone who is as unbelievably and utterly amazing as he. Love? A ceremony? A name? A ring? What gives me the right to think that I will forever and always be the only one he will ever need; ever desire?

Insecurity comes with love, that's a given. But when you've never truly known it, the overwhelming depth it can have, insecurity becomes crippling. It's a mainstay; it's the part of you that you never like to acknowledge is there as much as it. I go through every day, terrified that just the right person is going to cross our path and everything I hold closest to me will be gone. Forever.

I know he loves me. I believe in his love, I believe in us, in the love that we share. But there's a part of me, a disgustingly large part, that's been bruised, abused, battered, torn, and broken. That part of me is just waiting for that day, just waiting to say, 'I told you so.'

|1| Hold On

03-13-2003 |9:11pm|

mood - horny

music - Jeff...being Jeff....

Things I'm rather fond of as of recently:

- Jeff (okay, I'm a lot more than fond...and for lot longer than recently....but moving on)
- Parks
- Monkeybars
- The roominess of SUVs
- Peanut butter
- Jelly
- Strawberries
- Coolwhip
- Redi Whip
- Jeff's ties
- Movie theaters

Things I've noticed:

- Jeff's really hot when he begs
- Jeff's really hot when he's submissive
- Jeff's just really fucking gorgeous

We withdrew Alyssa from school today. Boca, here we come.

Heh, some new icons, and YES, I smile, thankyouverymuch.

|3| Hold On

03-10-2003 |1:44pm|

mood - nervous

music - Jeff and Lys singing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'

Home. In our home. Sleeping in our bed. In his arms. Of course...I have to go back tomorrow. But I can go back a happy man.

Alyssa...she's ours. For good. No more weekend visits or a few days here and there. Every day. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve this. Jeff. Alyssa. A family.

Today's the appointment. I'm nervous. This is something we both want so badly. I've never had so much ever go right in my life, especially at one time. And I'm really scared that my luck just might run out here. That this could be the end of the line. But I pray it's not. Because this...would be the most amazing thing.

Maybe I'm pressing my luck...I've got everything I could ever dream of...more than that...and now I'm still asking. But this...it's worth asking for...

I just hope the Big Guy still thinks I deserve it.

|1| Hold On

03-08-2003 |11:40pm|

mood - excited

music - The Movielife

Today was the meetup. It went pretty well. The kids were amazed to see us come in. It was great to see the shock and surprise on their face. We played a small set, ten songs. The last song, I decided to play 'A Plain Morning.' I'm really really homesick this time around, and I know that's Jeff's favorite song, and it's taken on a whole new meaning for me recently. It's just...too true now.

Halfway through the song, I got so choked up that I had take a minute and make myself push Jeff out of my mind. It was tough, but I got through it all right. In the end, we sat around for about an hour, talking to the kids who'd come out. All of them pointed out the ring I wore, asked if I was married. I told them I was in a very deep, committed relationship, and that it was our promise. I could have easily told them I was married, but right now, it's just too quick. I'm proud of my relationship with Jeff, but I want to enjoy it before everyone in the world knows about it.

I fly back home tomorrow. Monday's a big day for us, and I can't wait to see what happens. I have to fly back Tuesday, but being home for a day and a half will be worth it. I can't wait to be with my family again.

|1| Hold On

03-06-2003 |8:13pm|

mood - annoyed

music - Jeff cooking dinner

I have to leave tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong. I love my fans, I love the entire DashFan Meetup concept.

But can't I be selfish for once?

Hold On

Whoa...
02-28-2003 |7:47pm|

mood - ecstatic

I'm married....

:smiles big:

I'm married.

Jeffrey, I love you.

|1| Hold On

02-21-2003 |10:29am|

mood - excited

:takes in a deep breath, dials the house, getting the machine, leaves a ( message: )

:grins, climbing into the car with Mike and nodding:

|26| Hold On

02-19-2003 |5:48am|

mood - lonely

music - Stay the Night // Jeff and whoever

I don't like being this far away.

He's handling everything.

I feel like I'm missing out on everything.

I told him no.

Because I'm a fucking idiot.

And I'll still say no. Because I'm still a fucking idiot.

I want to go home.

~~jeffgivesgreatphonesexthanks~~

|12| Hold On

But we're a long way from home today
02-17-2003 |4:40pm|

mood - lonely

music - Was it Something I Didn't Say // Jeff and those other guys

-sighs heavily, setting book in the seat pocket-
-stretches out along the three middle first class seats, digging something from his bag-
-closes eyes, holding the pillowcase close to him, breathing in deeply and trying his damndest not to cry-

Hold On

02-16-2003 |6:00am|

mood - angry

music - Jeff singing Alyssa back to sleep

~~I hate my life.~~
~~I hate my life.~~
~~I hate my life.~~
~~I hate my life.~~

I hate Gil Norton.
I hate Gil Norton.
I hate Gil Norton.
I hate Gil Norton.

|2| Hold On

02-16-2003 |1:02am|

mood - sad

There's nothing like being woken up at six in the morning by the most gorgeous man in the world. And having him horny. I think I could wake up to that every morning.
We talked about getting married, even doing it today. But I just can't go through with it without my mom and brother there. They mean too much to me to just run off and then tell them over the phone. But soon. It's going to be soon.

I hope....

He took Alyssa out grocery shopping with him. I was in the middle of a new song, so I didn't tag along. And I'm glad I didn't. I got a call from Rich and we had a long and extremely unhappy argument. One that I lost.

And now I need to tell Jeff...

|2| Hold On

Valentine's!
02-14-2003 |5:23pm|

mood - giddy

These are to my sweethearts, Jessi and Mandy!

And, to the main man, Joel.

Sorry, I couldn't resist, you guys! Happy Valentine's Day!

I'll go be a sap somewhere else now.

|2| Hold On

Where do you even start?
02-14-2003 |5:00am|

mood - i can't even describe

music - Jeff's light breathing

Warning: I'm being COMPLETELY and DISGUSTINGLY sappy.

You know, for being a songwriter, I'm not very eloquent when it comes to love. Then again, maybe that's because I've never experienced anything like this before. Anyone like Jeff.

We had a second Valentine's day tonight. It was my turn to give him his gifts. I decided I needed to be naughty and got him some...fun. When I told him I had more, he tried to tell me everything was too much. But I couldn't just let this go by. I've never really had love on this day, and for the first time, I do. And I want any excuse to spoil him. The glow in his eyes, the smile, the excitement. I love seeing that. They say the day is commercialized, you don't need a specific day to be romantic. And I used to believe that too. But I have a reason now, and it's worth it.

But his real gifts came after that. I wrote him a song. A song that only he'll hear, a song that only he'll know. I've ever written a real love song, and I'm sure my first attempt was a pretty shitty one. How do you take something that we share and put it into a song that doesn't border on four hours? So I tried. I tried to take everything, the way I feel, the way he feels, the way I lose myself in him and the way he completely consumes me, the days we spend laughing and the nights we spend in each other's arms and the nights we spend in each other, wrapped so deeply in love that I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I tried to to take in the smile in his eyes, the love, the depth, the way I can look into them and see only me. I tried to take in the future we're creating and the family we're building, I tried to take in every part of him that's now become a part of me.

I know I couldn't take it all, I know there were so many things I couldn't even think of to put in. There's so much between us that it's unimaginable.

I strive every day, every hour, every minute, every second, to be a better person. To be better for him, to be deserving of his love in me. He pushes me on, with every kiss, with every touch, every smile, every glance. He is everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. He's the man I was made for. He is my reason. Every part of my life that I've been through, everything I've suffered over, it was to lead me to him.

He is everything to me. If tomorrow I wasn't Dashboard Confessional anymore, I didn't have the money I don't need, and once again I was just a kid with a battered heart struggling to let it all out, I'd know I'd wake up beside him in the morning and I'd smile. Because he is my life. He is my heart. My soul.

He gives me everything. He gives me room to grow, both with him and apart. He gives me the chance to explore myself. He gives me his complete trust when there's something new. He gives me time when I get so caught up to find myself again. He gives me his love fully and unconditionally. He gives me complete support, no matter what endeavor I'm undertaking. He gives me a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. His arms always open and he's always ready to shoulder my burden with me or take it completely.

He brings me to tears while I'm laughing and makes the sunshine break through when I'm crumbling. He gives me hope; he is my strength.

He brought into my life something I never thought existed. I fall deeper every day and I never want to find the bottom.

I gave him his ring tonight. Just like he gave me mine. A ring. A ring that in the scheme of things could mean so little but is symbolic of everything. But no ring, no ceremony, nothing, could ever fully encompass everything that we are, have become, and will be. But it's a nice start.

Jeff...my beautiful baby. There are words, there never will be. You are my everything. We've only just begun.
( I love you )

|1| Hold On

02-11-2003 |11:25pm|

mood - scared

music - The Anniversary // Sweet Marie

I really hate it when someone comes along and fucks up something really special.

I'm not a bad person. I don't hate people. I don't see the point in hating people. Life's too short.

But I'm really beginning to hate somebody.

It's tearing me up inside.

It scares me.

It leaves me feeling insecure...vulnerable.

I'm in a position now that leaves me painfully aware and so insanely hopeful.

I'm so scared to feel safe now, because once you're safe, you're fucked.

I live for this...but there's a constant threat that it's going to kill me.

|6| Hold On

Hmm...right
02-11-2003 |2:54pm|

mood - pissed off

music - Picture in the Paper // New Amsterdams

So Chris has been upset over this for a while, but he's going to finally say something.

There's a certain someone out there who needs to grow the fuck up. I'm so sorry your tender little heart has been broken when you caused it. So that means everyone should sympathize with you, right? Because you're the one who fucked up, and made the person you claim to love so dearly feel cheap, used, and disgusting.

Hey, bravo, buddy. I'm impressed. You're really good with that whole fucking over emotions thing, aren't you?

So you fuck up, made someone feel lower than scum, and then, then have the audacity to bitch and moan when that person actually finds someone who makes them feel like the can conquer the world?

Do us all a favor and grow up. You fucked up, and you didn't get anything from him you didn't deserve.

And you can say whatever you want to me, about me, and about he and I, but the fact is this:
I love him in ways that you could never dream of.

|13| Hold On

Which way's up?
02-10-2003 |1:44pm|

mood - sappy

music - Brand New Day // No Motiv

I realized today that these days I've spent with Jeff....I've finally lived. Breathed. I know now what life is really all about.

I have to go shopping for a ring soon. I get to give him a ring.

By the way, if anyone's looking for a new place to live...mine'll be on the market soon. :grins:

I've had the extreme pleasure of meeting Alyssa...and let me just say, I'm looking forward to many, many more tea parties.

( Jeff )

|29| Hold On

02-06-2003 |9:00pm|

mood - loved

music - Heavens Missing an Angel // 98º

( ramblings about Jeff )

|2| Hold On

moving along

glimpsing - Chris' life

go - This goes back