| Monday is Meat, Tuesday is Trash! | |||
| 08:21pm 17/05/2005 | |||
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Monday, monday....nothing exciting. After school Beth, Mom, and I put cement blocks in the dog's kennel. Got to drive moms explorer to get more blocks that was hilarious because it weighed like and extra 1600 lbs on the way bad from picking them up and it was all swervy and such. Then it rained and I came home. Dad and I went out to dinner at Outback, stuffed my face, got fat, the usual. Came home and studied biology flashcards, dad wouldn't let me go to bed until i got 50 right. That was interesting. Today I was hella tired. (because of my lack of sleep from staying up late reviewing the ventricles of the heart). Came to school, got bored in English 3-took a test, slept in English 4, and participated in US history!! Came home to moms and took a nap - didnt finish CSI (damnit) - then we went to the court house and did that whole ticket thing. Got coldstone and 2 new pairs of summer shoes. Dad got mad so I came home and then all the drama transpired. |
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| 2 kissed me| love me right | |||
| Sunday.... | |||
| 09:09pm 15/05/2005 | |||
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Got up, watched the rest of the Animal with dad. Dad decided that it would be a good job for me to go through our yard...the whole yard, and pick the heads off of dandelions. That was awesome. Then I used the fertilizer thingy and fertilized my yard. Dyed my hair - Zach said he liked it. :-D I hope you're happy thinking that you know everything about me. |
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| Hair Pix | |||
| 06:40pm 15/05/2005 | |||
| ( new_hair ) | |||
| 1 kissed me| love me right | |||
| 10:35am 15/05/2005 | ||||
Then I went to K-mart and got some hair dye and this little $2.00 "eye grooming kit" with an eyelash curler, PINK tweezers, and some other crap. Went out to dinner at Mackenzie River Pizza with dad. Then came home and watched the Animal, but fell asleep. Nothing too interesting. I'm dying my hair today, I will post pix when I get them. :-D |
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impressed| Poem Beth wrote for me | |||
| 06:08pm 14/05/2005 | |||
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take a breath slide the blade emotional relief tears of crimson from her heart seeping through her cuts numb to the feeling of the blade upon her skin cutting away her problems carving up her soul take a breath slide the blade the one thing she can control |
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| Music = Life | ||||
| 11:02am 14/05/2005 | ||||
Got through the whole day without crying or decorating. Pretty good on my part, I'm proud. I'm starting to handle all of this pretty well. :-D Beth and I watched James and the Giant Peach, but I feel asleep. Took my dogs to the ditch, and I made a path through the field. Bonnie fell in like 5 times and it was funny because she would get mad and be like I'M NEVER GOING NEAR THE DITCH AGAIN, and then she'd fall in again. HAHA Then Beth and I drove out to Kelly Island and took Tux and Lindsay to the river. Had to throw Tux in because he wouldn't get in. Lindsay LOVES the water, its so cute. Threw some sticks for her, played in the water and mud. Nothing exciting. I made Beth give me a piggy-back ride across this icky part and then she fell and I got all wet and icky. It was sad. Came home-Ate Papa John's-Went to Hastings....the usual. Today I did nothing. Read something that made me have a sick feeling in my stomach for about an hour. Played Rise Against really loud and it made me really nostalgic. Came up to Dad's - watched Heavyweights. Nothing extremely exciting.... I'm gunna go to the mall now and buy some shoes that I've been obsessing over for a while. SO EXCITED FOR WARPED TOUR AND JAMISON PARKER!!!!!!!!!!! |
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exanimate| WASH THE PAIN AWAY | |||
| 10:53pm 12/05/2005 | |||
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I just talked to Austin, it was hard. I think he still wants to be friends, but he wants to move on with our lives. I told him about what happened. But I don't know if it scared him or made him realize why I acted the way I did...UGH. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ |
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| WOW. | |||
| 09:07pm 12/05/2005 | |||
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So apparently EVERYONE hates me, excluding Caity (which I'm sure she doesn't hate me but I don't think she likes me too much) and Beth, and my fam of course. This really sucks. Time for my wonderful decorations! I STILL miss Austin. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ |
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| love me right | |||
| 03:32pm 12/05/2005 | |||
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Austin cut his hair into a mohawk. Not my choice haircut on him. But I guess it looks pretty good. Except for the fact that he has a huge chunk missing, according to Ryan, which Siiri apparently did on accident. Lol. I miss him. Everyone thinks I'm obsessed with him, which I'm not but I just miss him. A lot. And its really hard to let go of your first love, especially when you know it shouldn't have ever ended. He did tell me he loved me, many times. And he said he missed me when I was gone. I just don't understand what I did do make him so angry and hate me now....I wish I could know!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ |
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| 05:39pm 11/05/2005 | |||
| I miss him so much. I can't stand this feeling. I wish he would talk to me. I need him... | |||
| love me right | |||
| Surviving the Pain | ||||
| 08:04pm 10/05/2005 | ||||
I'm pretty bandaged up. But I'm ok. Not great. Not horrible. Just ok. I keep thinking about him. His smile. His laugh. His kiss. The way he held me. And then I look and Jorj and think about him. I can't help but crying. I cannot believe its over. It upsets me beyond belief. Byron hung out with me for a bit. It was fun. He likes my dad. It was really weird...cuz no one likes my dad. Byron played the guitar for me and my dad at my dad's house. That was awkward, then Byron is all you should play Lauren, and I laughed in his face and put the guitar away. Caity- I'm sorry You are one of my best friends, there is no reason I should be taking this out on you. I love you and I always will, as a friend...haha. Hopefully we can work it all out. Jacci- I haven't talked to you yet. But maybe you will read this. I'm sorry too... Well I'm gunna go attempt to eat. Then I will probably attempt to sleep. But I will most likely puke when I smell the food and cry when I close my eyes.... Austin, I miss you. I love you. Please reconsider. It will be a long time(if ever) before you find someone who cares as much about you as I do. |
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discontent| A Final Farewell | |||
| 02:26pm 10/05/2005 | |||
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Beth - I can't promise you. I told you I couldn't. I'm sorry. Caity and Jacci - Although at one time I considered both of you my good friends, I regret to say that today I do not feel that way. Maybe nothing happened that night, but it was the act that ensured what happened today. You know it. I cannot believe you could be so cruel. You know how much I care about Austin. It's amazing how inconsiderate you can be. Did you not see me today or yesterday? If I saw you in that situation I would rush to your side and help you. But no, you two are too self-centered and narcissistic to think of anyone else. I hope you grow up Austin- I love you. Always will. Please don't ever forget how bad you made me feel. Don't ever forget the times we had together. I can't imagine why it makes you feel so good to see me feel this bad. I saw you smiling today. Amazing... This is all because of you. You amaze me how selfish you are. You know you loved me. What happened? Maybe you need to take a look inside yourself and really see who you are. Because everyone is telling me that they saw this coming from the start, but I didn't. I saw someone who would hold me and love me and care for me. But apparently I was wrong. But I know you are that person. I wish I could feel the way I did before I met you, numb. But you made me happy, something that doesn't genuinely come too often to me. But now I am distraught, and I will be for a very, very long time. I hope you're happy knowing I'm not. I hope you sleep well knowing I don't sleep at all. I hope you live a very perfect life, without horrible memories of your first love. Because I will. ---Goodbye--- |
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| 1 kissed me| love me right | |||
| Why do good things always get fucked up? | |||
| 07:55pm 09/05/2005 | |||
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Spent 90% of today crying. Greg, Amy, Beth, and Byron all tried to comfort me. But its not helping. So apparently he's upset with me because I want to spend all my time with him or something? According to Greg, he wants a relationship like Greg and Amy's where they can hang out but they dont have to be together all the time...hmm pretty sure I'm not wanting to be with him all the time. Greg also said he's thinking of breaking up with me...interesting. I think I would probably go into an irreversible depression that would last well into my freshman year of college. So I found out that on Friday night he slept in the bed with two girls I thought were my friends. Really cool huh? So yeah, maybe they didnt have sex or anything, but I would definately consider that not too nice...i.e. cheating. But I don't understand why he would do that. I mean I love him. I would do anything for him. I do all I can to please him. Physically, emotionally, monetary, I mean what more do I have to do. I've had this sick feeling in my stomach all day. Its like a combination between nausia and cramps. I puked twice, and decorated my leg twice too. Kim Lucostic and Jim Lodge asked me if I was cutting today and made m like strip down. Whoever is telling them that is an evil person, it will hurt me more than if I was cutting....and you should know that |
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| 1 kissed me| love me right | |||
| 10:39pm 08/05/2005 | |||
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New PICTURES!!! ( pix ) |
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| ...Tears will flow like blood from my cuts | |||
| 03:39pm 08/05/2005 | |||
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Do you ever get that feeling that you know something horrible has happened or is gunna happen? No matter who denies it, you just know. I've definately had that feeling since about 5 pm on friday.... Anyways - pointless weekend - went to garnet. That was about it. Byron and I had hot sex and it was fucking awesome. Maybe we can do it again tonight when we hang out, YAY! |
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| 1 kissed me| love me right | |||
| 12:29pm 07/05/2005 | |||
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I just dont get it... I would do anything for him. I DO EVERYTHING for him already... Am I overreacting? Or is this justified. I don't want it to end - I'd never end it - but i'm getting the feeling hes going to end it... I should have known people always hate me... Especially people who fucking pretend to be your friends and then be bitches and exclude you from everything.....GOD. Why do I even try. I love him so much............ |
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| 12:24pm 07/05/2005 | |||
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Mother asked me why I put up with him last night.... It's because I love him. But I can't stand people who lie. Jesus. Am I really that repulsive? Last night sucked I cried and cried and cried and decorated myself. Ryan was over for a bit and we talked about it all because I was so upset (and still am) and then watched Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, which I fell asleep watching... he left. I stayed up and cried... UGH... |
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| SUCESS! | |||
| 08:53pm 04/05/2005 | |||
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Austin and I finally, successfully played with Jorj today.... It was amazing. At first I didn't believe him...but it was true, and awesome. Then we showered and came to school... Austin was mastrubating like a girl in the hallway at lunch and completly and utterly embarassed me haha. Then him and nate almost got in a fight with this dumb guy... and then joce saved the day... Worked on my senior project presentation and im getting really nervous. Finally gave my KKK presentation. Then I gave Austin a ride home and he was sick and I felt bad for him...but hes sleeping now so hes ok. THen I came to mothers and fell asleep watching CSI. Ate dinner and now I'm here at dads procrastinating.... I'm so overjoyed with happiness and everything I'm so glad what happened today happened - I think it came at the right time... |
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| 1 kissed me| love me right | |||
| I SUCK | ||||
| 09:36pm 01/05/2005 | ||||
So on Friday, hung out with Ryan Gramm for a bit at Subway during 3rd period. I'm such a worthless piece of skipping school crap. Didn't work on my senior project. Got sad cuz Austin didnt call me until midnight...that was saddish. Beth came over - we went to Hastins - Caity and Siiri met us there - we rented porn, vag movie, nip/tuck, degrassi, and sid and nancy. didnt really get around to watching anything. fast-forwarded thru the porn - it sucked because they didnt actually have sex. damn it. but there was a trailor for a new movie and it was called spider girl and she shoots web from her vag! HECK YES SHE DOES! Nip/tuck is officially the greatest show of my life. Siiri and Caity stayed the night - Beth went home around elevenish. Caity and I slept in my bed and I got turned on.....*DEVIOUS SMILE* Saturday I slept...like usual. Then went to fathers. Then left and went to this fundraiser thing with him in Bonner for this Hellgate soph. who is going to Switzerland. There was a silent auction and daddy got me 2 scarves that ROCK! Then went to the Casual Drama cd release party with Byron and Nate. I've decided that whatever band was playing when I got there sucked my ass off. And I dont like Casual Drama either - they get boring really quickly. Saw Chris Moss. that was awkward. he was wasted and moshing and that was weird cuz hes a big black gangster guy...yeah weird. the best part of the thing was when they dropped this little kid who tried to crowd surf. HAHA. Then went and picked up Austin and Nate, Byron, Zach and us went to Nates and I was there for 10 min before I left. It was good to see Austin because I hadnt seen him for over 24 hours and it made me sad and lonely for him. I love him so much - Its weird. Byron told me I shouldnt love him. But I do - I'm not IN LOVE with him - But I love him. It most definately makes me sad when I'm not around him and when I am with him it seems like nothing could be better. Anyways -- (longest entry of my LIFE!) Sunday (Today) I woke up - Made cinnamon rolls - Watched part of Bubble Boy and all of Con (the tv show). Then went and picked up Austin at Nates. We went to Zach and Caitys and kind of played halo...but i suck. Then we went and looked for the virgin suicides cd, returned the porn, rented some star wars game for austin, ate wendys, and hung out in the Wal-Mart parking lot and then I took Austin to work.... Austin touched my arm- I'm afraid hes gunna be mad - Maybe he is mad...or sad? or dissapointed. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow....I'm such a fucking hipocrit. Came home and napped - Went to Perkins with dad - got a frickin awesome stuffed toy thing called Kelly Cookie. It rocks!!! Hopefully Austin isnt mad at me cuz that would be devistating. |
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| 1 kissed me| love me right | ||||
confused| LOVE | |||
| 09:10pm 27/04/2005 | |||
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Today was insignificantly uneventful. I was late for school. But Lodge excused me. Hung out with Austin at lunch and got worried about him because of something he did. I almost started crying in front of him. I'm so worried about that kid. But he seems to be doing ok. I love him so much I don't want him to do anything to himself, although I know he never would, but theres always that chance. He makes my day so much better when I see him. He has taken it upon himself to start calling me "babe" and its so cute, haha. Although, it reminds me of Daria and how Britneys boyfriend calls her that, yeah I dunno. :-D Skipped 3rd period and went to the doctor and got my last Hepatitis B vaccine, then came home and showered. Went to Hellgate Elm. and worked on my senior project. Funny how its due in like 2 weeks and I just started it today..... wow. Came home and slept. Missed dinner at Fuddruckers which made me sad. Watched American Idol and they voted off Constantine which was really sad cuz I kind of liked him. I wish they would vote off stupid fat Scott cuz i hate him. THen I called Zach's phone and talked to Austin for like 2.5 seconds because I missed him. Tomorrow hes coming over to play with jorj! YAY! |
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ediciussievol |
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Friends Info Calendar My Live Journal that is retarted |
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