A Little Something - Now & Then

5:33pm: afresh
I have started life afresh. forced by circumstances no one has control over.
but i am here now and i ahve one life to live.

i accept..................

5:33pm: afresh
I have started life afresh. forced by circumstances no one has control over.
but i am here now and i have one life to live.

i accept..................

5:33pm: afresh
I have started life afresh. forced by circumstances no one has control over.
but i am here now and i have one life to live.

i accept..................

12:52am: My Last
it's my last day (night) in Kharagpur and i'm deep in a pile of clothes. have an early morning train to catch to some destination which i don't particularly want to go but that's where i have to earn my bread and butter. I have grown very fond of this place and i've made a few nice friends.



This is also my last post in blurty. I have decided to delete my journal. It's nice to have made some friends.

P.S: No relation between my last day in IIT and my last blurty.

1:32am: I WILL NOT CRIB ANYMORE

11:30pm: wew!
I just got wet......NO that's an understatement..... I just got drench in the heavenly and amazing phenomenon called RAIN!
The road was deserted, misty and two giggling girls (oopss women!) when hippity hop hippity hop.
it's been ages since i did that................

8:33pm: doodling................
I spoke to "MOM" on her birthday. it was after a really long time. "UNCLE" is taking her to New Zealand and Australia for a holiday. Trups is a lucky kid. chatted with her too. she has again changed her email id and now wants me to send her a card to that id. that's life for her now. changing id's is her high point besides getting excited about nail paints and lipsticks that her mom does not approave of at this age :-). chatted again with "6.3". it was nice. I should not get use to it. i miss him. will call again on the 25th. that's "UNCLE's" birthday.
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some of the exams that we are giving is such 'gas'. they are so irrelevant or rather the relevance is lost amist the confuse minds that are chosen to impart the knowledge. today is one such paper. an interesting subject in it's own right, but we don't have the training to realize the true capacity of it's relevance.
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it's sad sometimes that the friends we make and get close to, suddently disappear. and all because of freedom of expression about likes and dislikes and making visible that thin line one is not suppose to cross. if you're reading this i want you to know i ahve no hard feelings about the mail.
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I think i'm getting immune to giving exams. they don't have that same value or fear that we once would associate with while in school. all of us feel the same in this respect. and today i've been writing continuously for 8 hours.
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i love the rain. the weather is marvelous today. I took a long walk with "J". we left our hair open letting the wind play with it as we walked the lanes of our campus, looking nostalgically around with one thought-- " we'll miss this serenity, the peacefullness around and the secured carefree life"
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the hostel manager is such a dodo. he's made the same mistake again with my mess bill. and that too after reminding him that i have made my payment.
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i have no appetite nowadays. good. my waistline will decrease.
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i'll miss the free internet access that i now enjoy.
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have to get back now to more pressing but undesirable matters
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i still get irritated by a few things which i promise myself that i won't let it bother me. but then somethings have their limits even if it is online or on blurty. (NO! i'm NOT referring to you 'adrenalin')
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today something made me feel very inadequate. but then it's not the first time. he has manage to make me feel this way many times, althought i know it's not intentional.
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somehow i'm starting to dislike peotry, not that i had an immense liking for it. But now and then i don't mine reading one or two.
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I have to get back to Ethics or i'll flunk
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hu! such is life......................

12:23am: just .....................
just some nice poems i came across...................

Ice Princess

She alone creates her own chaos
Always blaming she never learns
Looking not at her own self
Only at others imperfections

Walking thru her life with blinders
She truly never sees
No consequence for her actions
Unfair life excuses her ways

Through the fogged realities she wanders
Not seeing the forest for the trees
"I didn't lie on purpose"
So no reason for apologies

Silently she walks among us
Her own perfection, nose in the sky
Too good for anyone's suggestions
Alone each night, does she cry?

A heart without compassion
Her caring ..only a facade
Suffer those who don't stand with her
Hell's fury if she's scorned

Maybe something's lacking
Her soul seems too stone cold
Ice princess she will allow no love
I wonder, will it change as she grows old?
~~~~

Until One Is Committed

There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back,
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),
There is one elementary truth,
The ignorance of which kills countless ideas
And splendid plans:
That the moment one definitely commits oneself,
Then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
That would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision
Raising in one's favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material assistance,
Which no man could have dreamt
Would have come his way.

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

CLICK for more nice poems

11:10pm: I had a long chat with "6.3". I had called up cos it was his sis's birthday and then we chatted for about 20 mins. it was nice hearing his voice. i did not want to put the phone down but then it was better that i did ..................

10:27pm: nice
i feel nice..............(nice in one post and not nice in another. no i'm not weird! )
"SN" just called. after a long time. said he was remembering me and wondering what i was up too. it felt nice, and i just thought "when was the last time i did something like that.........just call up a friend without a reason........????" and ?? "I DON"T REMEMBER". So i took money went to the phone booth and called up 3 people. it was nice. it made me feel good and i'm sure it made them feel good too :-)

now i seriously have to study..........

~~~~
Oh! I just adopted two fetuses :-)
here they are -


I adopted a cute lil' fairy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!


I adopted a cute lil' Scotty fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!


*cute*


~~~~

oh oh oh....i just spoke to my sis and she had a lovely time today. she treated her friends to a pre-birthday lunch (her birthday is on the 21st). i had send her money to enjoy and enjoy they did :-) . this would be a memorable day for her and i'm glad i was a part of it somehow.....

~~~~

7:48pm: what is happiness
what is it?

it's so difficult to define happiness. i was chatting with "S", my bathroom partner and a very sensible person about this, and it struck me that I've not been really happy. not from the bottom of my heart at least as i once was. I don't feel i belong anywhere and all the 'happy' feelings i have, seems temporary. I think i've been the happiest when i was with "6.3", even when we had bad times or when we were away from each other. i miss the conversations with him, both the sensible and the not so sensible ones.
whom will i chat with when i'm old ?....................
I'm not happy.......ok i've said it.......I'm not happy!!

7:46pm: emptiness
I've been having the most amazing afternoon sleep these past two days. I guess the heat added to it, and i've been dreaming too. yesterday I dreamt of "6.3". we were going off for the weekend together to a place that was Hawaii in my dream but the name did not sound like Hawaii :-). Today I dreamt of "MOM" ie "6.3"'s mom. I always call her "MOM" while referring to her and I cannot think of her by any other name. I dreamt that we had a heart to heart talk and I told her i wanted to come home. I hugged her and cried a lot. she was so understanding. I miss you MOM ! I'll never be able to call anyone else by that name. In my dream I spoke to "UNCLE" too, and the way he spoke to me was like nothing had changed. Oh i miss them so. I wish i knew what to do. I miss the conversation with "6.3", his jokes and understanding of mine, his vast store of knowledge on almost everything under the sun, i miss him calling me Batcha and i miss the " I'm short...I'm fat...I'm phussss hahahah" . Somehow I do not feel the same with my other friends too. Maybe it's because we've always been in a group together and now either I'm not there or "6.3" is not there. there are so many unspoken things. we all know it, "small", "huge", myself...........

It feels weird going to mumbai now. It was like going home once upon a time and now I cannot go there without a feeling of emptiness. I know "huge" home is like my own home too, but it was my second home, and going there without "6.3" is not a nice feeling. a lot of memories is attached to "huge"'s house as well. the numerous dinners we had there, the diwali celebrations, the chatting while lazing out on "huge"'s room, the time when we missed going to Matheran becasue i did not sleep the whole night. I miss the aam rass and thepla and long night rides back to 1605/06 with music playing in the background, "huge" in his own world, "small" in her own world, "6.3" and myself in ours. I miss having both of them standing and waiting patiently at the station at all odd times of the day or night as i journey from various corner of the country. I want to go to 1605/06, see the view from the window, cook in the kitchen, sit in "our" bedroom and look out into the night as the lights of mumbai come on.
Why am I living in the past?????? should'nt I moved on....after all, I brought this myself, right? Mumbia will never be home again..........

I wish I had been a little more rationale, a little less impetus, a little more thoughtful......

I'm wiser now.....but at a price.

11:46pm: Jerk!.............
i've been irritable, angry, pissed, pain in the arse, stifled, suffocated, aggravated, annoyed, cold, uncaring, infuriated, indifferent, discontent, numb, impatient, hyper, etc etc etc....GOT THE PICTURE ?????

I been treating "7s" like shit. not talking to him properly, putting down the phone whenever i don't feel like talking, argueing for no reason or for the slightest and smallest issue......on the whole bahaving like a total jerk! i got piss with "J" too today for playing up with me.......and seem to have no patience for anyone. but mostly "7s" has been having the sharp side of the knife.

Reasons (Numerous & probable) :
sunstroke, eating disorder, stress, want a break, done with relationships for sometimes, pre-monthly-mentrual syndrome, high body fat content, playing evil games, lack of exercise, too much stress, tired of being with someone, lonely, missing "comfort", plain paranoid, hormonal changes, need farmiliarity,.....?????????

well whatever is on my small head and whatever is making me this way better remedy itself soon before i get worst...................
i'm sorry "7s". i'll try to conciously be nice & control my mood swings.

6:15pm: this or that ??
If you have to give up either sex or food, what would it be? Why?

I would give up sex ;-). Cos sex makes you more hungry.
I love eating too much and anyways eating gives me a high :-)

3:25am: easter :-)
A very Happy Easter to everyone!

I just got back from midnight mass and it was great. One of my junior, "J", three of my friends who are non-christian and myself had gone together . it felt good that they too ventured to share in this celebration. i like people who are like this.......who don't have a hang up about a religion. these are sensible people and not fanatics. they believe in their own religion, in their own god and their own ceremonies but at the same time they are open to other religion as well and believe in the oneness of god.

i was never a believer, but somehow this last one year has brought some change in me. i have discovered the spiritual side to myself. I guess this comes to everyone eventually. I'm still not a blind believer and i still do not believe in many of the teaching and sermons of the church but i find peacefulness, calm and a sense of direction in that 1 hour I spend in church every week. and afterall it's only 1 hour of our 24*7 busy schedule. we can at least do that much.

veeerrrrry sleeeeeepy now...........zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12:58am: my heart's desire
I want to adopt kids so much.......more than anything else in the world.

my two little cute darlings :-)





I hope I can make this dream come true.....

12:48pm: general stuffffff............
hmmmm...a lot of thoughts has been occupying my mind lately and all of them not necessarily important but nonetheless they are thoughts which i'm thinking and it's occupying my mind space.

i'm having a certain problem and i don't know why it's recuriing again after a long time. I can't talk about it to anyone. well i could talk about it once upon a time to "6.3" but he's not here now and i have to find a solution on my own. it's so irritating.

i hate the bad dreams that i have, they cause me to get up in the middle of the night scared and hurt. I sometimes feel that they'll never leave me alone. But then the other day i dreamt about the same thing and surprisingly it had a happy atmosphere. maybe it's because i'm grown up now and can handle what i once could not. I hope this continues. then dreams won't be so bad after all.

the number 1 spot is difficult to attain, in all respect of life. whether be it academics, relationships or lines at ticket counters. We work hard, sacrifice, and hope, but the results always play a trick. my life is such. the number one slot is taken and is also unattainable. A paradox in itself!

the thought of my new job is exciting but it scares me too.

i have responsibilities and i must be focussed

My mom is such a lovely person and so giving. can i ever be even a little like her.

I'm putting on weight and i hate it.

My PC is giving problems. It's so slow. I have unloaded some softwares but it does'nt seem to help.

Sometimes, even when you dislike a person you make some effort in being nice. for humanity sake at least. but then some people does'nt deserve that as well. they'll never changed from their run down attitude.

my sister is growing up so fast. At her age I was a devil ;-) and so naughty *wink*.

i'm hungry and so will eat a little......................

12:42am: The joy of doing nothing.......
It's been a pretty light day. did nothing much basically, except surf for some information on competitive strategies adopted by companies, that might have an ethical issue to it.
I surfed a lot today and kept in touch with friends. Chatted with some, mailed to others and went for a long overdue ice-cream treat with another. The night was lovely too. the weather has cool down and a beautiful breeze was blowing. perfect for a night walk......
It's nice not to do anything sometimes (contrary to what a FEW might believe). I needed this break. gets me energise to start preparing for my finals, and I know I ahve to get back to the grind from tomorrow.

I had an interesting chat today....interesting because I came to know of few things I never thought, people think about me.

Well... I chatted with two people and both whom I don’t know well. One is this net pal and the other is a sweet junior, whom I joke with and speak or smile often.
A few revelations…….

My net pal says, among other things that My voice turns him on, so that’s why he does’nt call me anymore I never knew I had such a voice ! and then I got the impression that he thinks I’m HOT, correct me if I’m wrong! (well a few ppl have told me this, but they’ve all been people who are close to me and who know me well and I’ve always taken this as a joke, cos they pull my leg all the time :-) )

Then there is this junior who talks to me often and would BUZZ, whenever I’m online. So today I decided to talk with him for sometime, since I’m always busy otherwise.
I don’t know what to make of this thing, but then I’m not trying to analyse it either so it's peaceful......

( Read the Conversation )

3:48pm: This is soooo Amusing
hahaha .....scientific experiment eh! no wonder i'm like this *lol* :-)

doodleaway Weather Loach Agility 8 | Strength 10 | Stamina 3 Battle Rating 21 Origins doodleaway was created by a scientific experiment gone wrong Can your fishy beat doodleaway ?

1:34am: yawnnnnn
i'm sleepy and almost dead. another hour to go before i can rest my head in my soft pillow, huhuhuh. that seems such a distant dream. why does all the work come all at once? *sigh*. 5 cups of tea since dinner time and this is just the beginning of a long week ahead.

there are lots of nice people (i presume) in this world :-). i just got acquainted with one of them. i received in the courier yesterday a beautiful card and some roses (red & pink) for my birthday that was on the 1st of this month. they had come all the way from down south.
now what would you say about someone who goes out of his way, to make a person feel nice :-). i was very touched. Thanks!

i like the words that was on the card

"If I cannot do great things,
I can do small things in great ways"

......inspiring!