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[26 Jul 2003|04:43pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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So i'm starting to think that I could pretty much sit here all day online, with the exception of playng our set and signing, and not a single person will ever IM me. Call me selfish but I miss the days when I would sign on and get 5 IMs at once "CHUCK I MISSED YOU!". Heh. Kinda figured it wouldn't last. But it was nice. I don't even remember the last time I got invited into a chat, or got to joke around with someone without the conversation starting with a "can I ask you a favor?". Maybe that's all i'm good for..favors and helping get what other people want. *Shakes head* This reminds me all too much of high school. People would pretend to be my friends, use me and then loose me. I thought with everyone being adults and all, that wouldn't happen. But then I think to myself..those same high-schoolers had to grow up eventually, eh? It's a vicious fucking cycle. I'm starting to hate having this journal. I thought it would be a nice place for me to express my feelings and talk about stuff going on in my life. But the truth is..it's just a constant fucking reminder of how much I want to kill myself sometimes.
Kelly, i'm sorry I think i'm going to have to break that promise I made to you a while back in the hotel. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry.
Look no comments. Not that anyone would comment anyways.
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[24 Jul 2003|04:07pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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Drawing Board - Mest |
] |
*stares at laptop for a good twently minutes, thinking, pondering what to write, closing eyes for a moment before typing, not looking at the keys*
I'm starting to believe that love is as fabricated as a boyband. The fluttery heart, the googly eyes, the shortness of breath, all figmets of our imagination. We search our whole lives for that one feeling that will make us feel complete. We get in the car and drive to our destination, never sitting back and looking at the scenery..never thinking about what we are never getting to see because our minds are set only on our destination..love. Love, if a real emotion at all, is not to be searched for, is not to be persued. Love finds you when it's ready. When you least expect it. So until you reach your destination, sit back and enjoy the ride. You'll be suprised how many wrong turns can turn out to be just what you're looking for..
*Opens eyes, correctly all spelling errors, sighing softly to self and pressing post*
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[16 Jul 2003|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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Superman's Dead -Our Lady Peace |
] |
I'm updating. Bleh. I'm still in my funk from a few days ago, what a fucking suprise, eh? B-l-a-h. How is it that reading people's updates can make me feel like abosolute shit and make me so depressed? I mean really, these are other people's lives, some of my friends, they deserve to be happy. Eh maybe i'm jealous. I mean don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love the fact that i'm in this band getting what I want to do. I love the fact that we're on Warped with all these amazing bands that have infuenced us. I love our dedicated fans who would do anything for us. I really do. I just..*sighs, shaking head* I don't fucking know. I guess i'm just lonley in the sence that I don't have anyone to be with. I don't have anyone to kiss and cuddle with, no breath to fall asleep to. Funny how you can be in this crowded place with thousands of people, some whom came there to only see you..yet you can feel lonley. I guess i've always been that way. It's like that movie..I forget the name now, but there's a line that's line "you can be in a room with a thousand men and not like any of them. Or you can be in a room with just one man..and he's exactly what you want". I think that applies for me. I can't find what i'm looking for in crowded places, it just doesn't work for me. Blah blah BLAH. I think i'm the only one of the band who actually still uses this journal, eh? Pierre and David..died off. Lord knows where Seb and Jeff are..and Pat, meh no comment.
I should probably go..sign shit or something. *shrugs* It's been real.
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[12 Jul 2003|12:02am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
I love how I can make myself feel like complete shit in a matter of seconds.
I need to keep my big fucking mouth shut.
*shakes head wiping away a tear* As if I wasn't fucking lonley enough. I hate myself. I want to just..die.
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[11 Jul 2003|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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What's The Dillio -Mest |
] |
Meh. I don't feel all that hot today. Actually I feel like total shit. Eh. I have been meaning to make this big ass update but right now my heart's just not into it. Tony's feeling bad again..and it's got us all kinda down. He keeps going and going and one of these days he's gunna seriously hurt himself. He needs to stop before it gets worse. Bleh. Heh Joshie got a journal..Britney knows what im talking about. If I wasn't in such a shitty mood i'd flirt with him..ha. Or not. I'm ugly, no one wants me. Bleh. I need to not be emo cause it sucks. I got a sun burn. It hurts. Ow. Um..yea..I dunno. Bye.
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[10 Jul 2003|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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whoever's playing now outside the bus o_O |
] |
I'll update soon I swear.
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[18 Jun 2003|05:14pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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See The Light -Riddlin Kids |
] |
*Yawns* I slept in today. My last good sleep for a few months. What's all this aboot, eh? *Shrugs* This morning I told Britney about how I thew my snare drum at Pierre once when we got into a fight. I miss that. Hell I miss them all. No I hate them all what am I saying? I hate how I hate them yet I miss them. Bastards.
You should all go to idobi.com and listen to our new interview. Pierre mentions how he wants Benji to give him head cause he wants to feel his pericings on his cock. He also wants to fuck Joel but he would rather fuck Benji. Joel simply commented with "I'm kinda keep to myself..I would be a very fun guy to date" Psst. No fun. My mother saw my profile on here and yelled at me for putting in "oral sex" as one of my interets. Oops? She also still thinks im a virgin, which is funny. Hey, as long as we can keep my basement as our rehearsel space, eh? *Shrugs*
I'm still exhausted. I should just sleep the rest of the day. Blah. Warped can suck me, i'm not going.
...I wish.
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[15 Jun 2003|12:57am] |
Just jumping on here to say one thing..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILLY :)
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[08 Jun 2003|02:03am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Gone Away -Offspring |
] |
*Walks over the stereo, flipping through a few CD's, pulling out one and putting it in, getting to the right track and pressing play*
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
*Walks over to the computer and sits down, beginning to type*
So. I said it didn't hurt but again, I lied to myself. It does hurt. A lot. I've been pacing around this room all day, trying to find something, anything to take my mind off of it. TV doesn't help, taking a walk doesn't help, playing video games doesn't help. The only thing that helps is music, so I just keep it on to help clear my mind some, although at this point is nearly impossible.
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
I know someone in this situation would probably be thinking "maybe if I did something different I could have changed things". But..it's like..I did everything possible to keep the relationship alive and I got nothing back. I gave him chance after chance, time after time..and I got nothing. I swear if got to the point where we hadn't even kissed in 2 weeks. Two fucking weeks without so much as a fucking kiss. God I can't even believe it. I would just sit around waiting for him but it was always "oh later" or "i'm busy now". Shouldn't I have been your first priority? I know you were always mine.
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
I guess you can call me stupid for still wanting him. Eh, I guess that feeling will go away with time. Funny, usually people get over other people by not seeing them. But what happens when you're forced to see this person everyday? Watch now he'll be around all the time when he should have been around before. Figures. I always get screwed over. But I guess I am still getting what I deserve for perviously hurting someone else. Guess now I know what it feels like to be fucked with. I can't believe I could have ever made anyone feel like I do now, much less my best friend. And please spare me with the fucking "oh chuck it wasn't your fault" or "oh chuck haven't you gotten over that yet?" shit. Yes it was my fault and no I haven't. So fuckoff and spare me your shit, I don't wanna hear it.
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
*Picks up a box and opens it, taking out a silver ring, twirling it inbetween fingers*
I used to think forever actually meant something. I used to think saying "I love you" meant something too. Giving someone a ring and asking "will you marry me?" I thought they all meant something..something real..something that was supposed to mean something. Obviously I was wrong.
*Takes the ting and threads it throw a silver necklace, putting it around neck and tucking it under shirt*
Just a little reminder so I know not to fuck up next time. Actually..there won't be a next time. I'm through with it, through with everything. In the course of a year i've managed to break my best friend's heart, fuck over one of my other friends, get engaged and un-engaged twice and frankly, i'm sick of it. I'm sick of relationships and i'm sick of love. I hate it all. I'm just gunna do what I did before, fuck random groupies, get wasted and party. That's what makes me feel better. Screw this emo shit, i'm done with it all.
*Presses post, gets up and grabs keys, going outside, slamming door behind, hopes in car and speeds off*
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[06 Jun 2003|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Never Again -JT |
] |
K so, who wants to come and fuck me to make me feel better?
No one?
K, i'll just shoot myself then, thanx.
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| AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA |
[06 Jun 2003|09:28pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Give Up The Grudge -Gob |
] |
Can I just say that to this day *this* still amuses me..
Hey Im CHUCK: *snort* And we can leave Seb in the room with the mirrors..he'd go insane in a cardboard box.
david is simple: HAHAHAHA
david is simple: AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
david is simple: Pierre would be like
david is simple: *LOOKS IN MIRROR* HOT DAMN THAT IS ONE HOT GUY OVER THERE
*Snort* good times..
OH and this in Kelly's info..
mOBSCENEManson: I am a pimp
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA.
Done.
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[05 Jun 2003|11:34pm] |
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mood |
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 silly |
] |
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music |
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In This Diary -The Ataris |
] |
Ah. I hadn't gotten a chance to jump on the computer all day but I just wanted to say..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEB!
Even tho he kinda..died off here, haha oops. But yea, happy birthday boi and I love ya.
Mmkay and will someone make Sean William Scott get a journal cause uh yea he's adorable, thanx.
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[03 Jun 2003|03:15am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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Yea okay so would anyone really care if I threw myself into oncoming traffic? No? K cool.
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[30 May 2003|07:21pm] |
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mood |
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silly |
] |
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music |
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On My Own -The Used |
] |
So I finally got to sleep around 8 am..though that was MY time, lord know what the hell time it was in Japan *yawns* But at least I slept for like 7 or 8 hours. I needed some damn sleep after being sick...well I still am sick but whatever. So after I woke up, ate and all that crap I decided to venture off by myself. I went into this record store and looked around for a while, they had our "Addicted" single so I decided to be a dumbass and buy it. I came home and stuck it in my computer and found all the crap Pat decided to put on it. *Shakes head* If you want a good laugh, buy this single. Let's see what kind of crap there is I could hell you about..hmm..It's all from Austrailia, so yea..
-Me looking at fireworks like a dumbass
-David humping his guitar on stage
-Seb spinning and almost falling down
-Us in the aquarium acting like jackasses
-Me chasing a cow (don't ask k)
-Pierre shoving me and almost making me fall
-More with those damn koalas
-Pierre and I slapping each other in the face...muhaha. I won and slapped him hard, you can even hear the sound of my hand hitting his face. Oops? :)
-Followed by..Pierre trying to shove my head down into his crotch after I slapped him
-David and Pierre hugging for dear life on stage
-Me falling down a hill and Seb laughing at me :-/
-David with some weird wolf-like mask running on the bus
-Us all flipping off the camera
Okay, now that I gave you some highlights..buy it, k? Y'know sometimes we get bitchy and hate that camera shoved in our faces, but seriously..when you look back at all the footage and shows we have..it's amazing. It's like our memories are all on tape and we can revisit them whenever we want. Anyyways..i'm bored. I think i'll go amuse myself and make some new icons or something. Peace.
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[30 May 2003|06:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
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music |
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bah |
] |
Oh the insomnia never ends...*le sigh* Did you see..er hear me on TRL? Don't I sound so hott at 5 fucking am. Carson can suck it, k. I still feel like shit and I wonder why i'm not dead yet. Thanx and goodnight.
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| WE WENT GOLD, BABY |
[28 May 2003|05:00pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
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City Of Angels -The Distillers |
] |
Yo okay so the Sorority Life finale thing is on tonight..which means..dun dun dun dun..we're on it :) YES, so watch it, tape it and stuff. Man, I hope Maggie doesn't get in, she's a little backstabber. But I like Nicole, she rocks, k. Oh oh Tim and her kissed last week..I cried okay. WHAT stfu I don't watch this shit.
I got word that MAYBE TRL will show a clip of "Perfect" tomorrow, so yea WATCH k h8ers.
Dude I can't even listen to the fucking Distillers anymore without thinking of Brody and that nasty as fuck QOTSA dude..ew...I mean EW okay. Mmm Tim should come and violate me WHAT. Die. *Changes it to AFI* Mmmm, haha how sad that the ONLY line I know in this song is "followwwwwwww" *snort* shut up.
I'm still sick, btw :-/
Edit: Dude that "sore" icon thing looks like he just got it up the ass. AHAHA..wooo medication...
Edit again: 13 more days till the Mest album comes out! Woo. K done.
Edit AGAIN: Oh yea, we went Gold in USA and Japan :-D I like goooooooold
( AHAHHAA LOOK )
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[28 May 2003|01:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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aggravated |
] |
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music |
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Fighter - CA |
] |
ALRIGHT PEOPLE...
Everyone needs to stop being so fucking emo/pissed off. If you're pissed at someone, talk to them, work it out. Cause being mad and not letting the person know only makes it WORSE.
David and Pierre need to stop lurking.
I feel like shit.
That is all.
Edit: Ditas A Teese: Hee anytime! <--she has been corrupted.
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[27 May 2003|06:02am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
] |
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music |
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your mom bitch |
] |
Yea okay this not sleeping deal while i'm sick..it blows. A lot. I'll lay down and just..stare at the ceiling. You'd think there was a naked guy girl up there or something. My body feels tired but I just can't get to sleep. This has been happening for days *sighs* This sucks. Maybe i'll go laugh at Pierre's hair some more to amuse myself. Gah.
Yea look at my icon. Pretty, eh? Or as David would said..it'sh sho pretty! ;) It kinda looks like an advertisement for "why musicians shouldn't use drugs". They put some dumb message across the screen about why drugs suck and then they show that picture. I look high and David looks wasted. Mm good times.
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[26 May 2003|05:33am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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It's almost 6am and I'm up. WTF. I need to sleep. I hate not being able to. *Groans* And on top of that, i'm sick. Oh golly gee heck.
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[23 May 2003|11:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Electric Baby - Mest |
] |
This update is for Billy because uh yea..it has a bunch of inside jokes that no one else will get LOL.
So today I was bored off my ass and I decided to go to the mall. So I went into Kay Bee(STFU I was bored okay) and I saw this thing like..for the pool. It was this shark fin thing and googles, pretty fucked up if you ask me. But anyways..I look up at the name of it and it's fucking "Shark Attack" except the a was kinda fucked up and looked like an r so I was like omfg it's shrak attack! But yea *clears throat* It was cool okay.
SO then I go into Wal-Mart cause Tony called my cell and screamed in my fucking ear about how he was in the new Guitar World. And for the record Lovato, yes you do look hott and yes I would fuck your brains out. *Shakes head* SO ANYWAYS, I am by the magazines and the books and stuff and I pass the kids section and there is a fucking book sitting RIGHT in front..and what's the name of it? "Shark Attack". I SWEAR, Chda is haunting me :( Before I know it i'll be uncle Suhck....god, save me.
Oh and Kelly....no I didn't see the church again on the way to Wal-Mart. But if I did, I woulda been screaming "HALLELUJA" Muhhahaha.
Done.
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