| Some pills in a little cup |
[02 Feb 2006|11:22pm] |
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i dont know whats been wrong with me. I'm only happy when Dale is here which yeah i guess is a good thing but like I shouldn't only be happy when hes here. thats not normal. when hes not here all i do is sleep. i didnt hang with anyone all week and tomorrow is friday and im going to go thorugh another awesome weekend with him and happiness then the week is gunna come and im going to be depressed and just want to sleep the days away.
like i used to get like this. like i would only be happy when i was with my friends smoking pot. and when i wasnt with them i would mask my depression with other drugs because i didnt want to accept that i was depressed. so i did coke and hero and bad things that pretty much ruined my life and my body. and monday when dale left i was like fuck this shit and took 20 pills. and i didnt like that i did that. but i did it anyways. and that upsets me.
my mom is worried about me. she even offers to watch movies or take me places when i tell her i want to sleep. i tell her no. she even offered to take me to go look at minicoopers. which if you know me you know its the car of my dreams. and i said no. i dont know why either. id rather just sleep and hope everythign is different when i wake up. eventhough i know it wont be, which keeps upsetting me.
i had a dream about things that i used to do. not drugs though. cosola knows. it also upset me, and scared me.
im currently reading mein kampf. its a book written by hitler. it has alot of things in there that are also sort of scaring me. like his ideas and concepts on life and people. because i share the same outlooks. i always knew i was sort of a racist... but i didnt think i shared the mind frames of hitler.
i think i am sort of hiding some things. like true feelings i have. and things that go through my head. memories. and plans. i should start talking about them with someone who has no ties to me. like in the book perks of being a wallflower... he writes letters to someone who has no clue who he is. i think i should do something like that. but i might get like investigated with some of the things i think i might say. they might scare the person.
i need a hot shower. like so hot my first layer of skin burns off. i need some sort of legitimate reason to feel some sort of physical pain.
i dont like how i am talking and i know im going to get some sort of comment like OMG NO NO NO. but those of you who have known me for years know how this is how i used to always be. and i guess its better that im only lke this 4 days a week instead of 7.
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