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Dec 15th, 09 @ 8am ] |
and i didnt want to, but i started thinking of all the sexual things weve done where i was laying. i looked in his drawer where he kept the condoms and everything, it was strange. i looked around his room and noticed how most of my stuff was still there. i wasnt sure wether i liked that or not, but i decided that i did. when he got out of the shower, he was dressed in a nice black dress shirt, and i wondered if he did that because he knew i liked the shirt on him. he sat down on the bed and started playing video games. he was trying really hard to get to this one achievement and somewhere in the excitement of it all, he grabbed my face and got really close to it, but he didnt try to kiss me. we slowly started to get closer and closer while he was playing, and eventually he grabbed me and put my head under the crook of his arm so that my chin was resting on his ribcage. it was the closest weve been since we broke up, and it felt strange, but good strange. after a while, i told him that if he won a certain achievement, he would make my day. when he finally won it, e were both excited, and i gave him a hug. and just the way we were positioned, he ended up being on top of me and i was laying face up underneath him. he said "i just want to go to sleep now", but then he picked up the controller, and i stayed where i was. eventually though, i figured his parents would come in and i didnt want them seeing me in the position i was in, so i rolled away. from then on during the night, the vibe was different. it was like we never broke up. when we went out to visit with the guests, we joked and laughed, and sat together as we ate. he did things like touch my knee or my hair, and it felt like he cared about me. and i cared about him back. when dinner was over, i helped him clear, and we went outside with marshmellows and sticks to roast them. we sat outside and talked, and he said thank you for coming. and i said thank you for having me. after that, we visited with his family and i watched him have desert. when he was done, we went into his room and talked, by now it was getting past 8oclock and i was starting to get nervous that he wanted me home. but then when we sat in his room and talked, he asked me if i wanted to watch a movie, and i said yes. so we layed in his bed together under the blankets and watched anchorman. we laughed and joked and recited all the lines. he tickled me and i did a half assed job of fighting back. im not sure when, but i eventually rolled over onto my stomach to get comfortable. he did the same thing. we werent touching very much, but i still felt close to him. and im pretty sure he felt the same thing. eventually he flipped over so i was facing his back, and i scooted in so that my torso was pressed against him for warmth, and i fell asleep. i dont think he did, but i cant be sure. when i woke up, it was 11 something. i was half awake, half asleep and i remember him getting up to turn the movie back an hour and a half. looking back on it, that was probably the happiest moment ive had in over a month, knowing that he wanted me to stay for longer. that was when i felt like it wasnt really over between us, that whatever we had wasnt done yet, because he didnt want it to be. I stayed awake and by now we were laying really close, and he had his feet on my feet to "keep them warm" he says. i didnt mind and i rolled over and fell back asleep. i woke up at 1220, and he was awake. i told him i needed to go, and he didnt want me too, but i was going to be in a lot of trouble if i didnt leave soon. so he walked me to the door and he gave me a hug. it lasted for probably 30 seconds, and after a while, i said "okay, friend hug is over" and we seperated, and i got in my car. he waited until i was out of sight to go inside.
looking back on the whole day, i have no idea what to think. that was saturday, today is tuesday. when i left his house, i kind of expected things to be different between us from there on out. like maybe they would go back to the way they used to be, like he realized how good we had it and wants that back. but thats not how it worked, and it was inevitable that i fall on my face after something like that. it felt so good that i just couldnt let go of the hope that he would want me back. but yesterday, when i saw him in class, it was like that whole night never happened. as ruby pointed out, because i am an idiot, i didnt say anything to him on saturday night about where we stood. i should have asked him "why are you doing this" or "what are we now" or "are you happy with this" but i didnt because i didnt want to ruin whatever perfect thing was happening inside me.
i love him so much. i gave him so much of myself, and i really needed him when he broke up with me. the fact that i didnt get into GW is probably the irony of the year. because even though i dont think he broke up with me over college, i think i pushed him away in my quest for GW greatness, and the fact that i didnt even make it kind of makes what i put our relationship through a waste. i regret having anything to do with that place.
we are hanging out today after school, studying for our exam. i think im going to try and talk to him about our weird situation, and hopefully i can get somewhere, because if i cant, its the last time i see him for over two weeks.
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pessimistic